02/20/2013 (JOURNAL )


I just finished The Time Traveler’s Wife,it’s a good book, you should read it .But now i can’t sleep…I hate this …for someone who can sleep anywhere …I sure  make a habit of not sleeping at night .

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about chapters …and how we change . I close my eyes and I see my life like this….moments„,memories….glances;

Growing up working with dad, preaching with dad

Hyper active wasting 99.9% of all my words 


Always the nightmares and lack of sleep

Dad, his eyes, his face …

his voice echoing 

pinning me to the wall

Suddenly I’m here again back home…on that night….I’m standing in the freezing rain…with my mom and sister..i can see my breath. Numb. Dad died in his sleep .

I think about all that has changed and all that is

I was young and very opinionated , i thought i would be a self made man

I was terrified of living 

i spent my life traveling with dad on the road trying to be perfect

to learn business and how to be the best i could be

my image of god was a blurred image of dad , his voice and shadow looming over my life constantly seeking his approval , his favor …his attention .

Now he is gone and all that has ended….at some point in time I left home and started living , Good men invested in my life and taught me about finances and business  I’m getting to know God . I’m getting to know people . Not deceive them . But I’m sick ..I’m scared ..I don’t want someone taking care of me..so I will probably always be alone I saw my grand-dad use my mom and my dad use my mom …I don’t want to even think  of someone taking care of me  …the thought of sometime in my uncertain future..my needing someone more than they need me? Jeez.. My stomach hurts just thinking about it . and yet  I can’t help thinking…when I was young I was scared of living so much so I often wanted to die..now  that I’m older I’m scared of dying …scared of existing …spinning time..but never touching eternity ..never finding my purpose and what it’s all about  . 

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