Midnight

I’m sorry
I’m just a churning mess inside right now
And I have no idea what to do

I’ve been here before
It’ll get better
If I run
Run like crazy
And work out
God
It starts inside
And works it’s way to the surface
Like
needles picking
Picking
And then I get sick
Shaking
And I can’t breathe
I wish I could sleep
But I can’t do that either
So I write
And I pray
Which isn’t really praying
It’s just me walking and talking
I’ve never been able to pray
Like I did when I was little
And super religious
Now I just
Talk
And listen
And write
But more often than not
I find myself crying these days

I feel completely
Completely useless
Worn
I’m tired
And I’m afraid I’ll never catch up

Depression is not new to me
Anxiety is not new to me
Sickness and hospitals are not new

I’ve grown up around it
With it

The long nights
Everything I’ve just described
But there’s this dream of an older me
I’m so afraid I’ll never catch you
Reach you
The dream
The light
The promise of a life ….
Where I make you happy .
And that’s when I realize it
I just want to be happy
And if I can help someone else be happy …. Breathe easier …
It gets better

it gets better
It does
It comes and it goes
It scary
You start crying after you wake up from a dream …
A dream …
And you can’t stop .

The images flash across your eyes
The voices from the past …
And you’re froze
Petrified

I’m not the best at this
I try to hide this
But then I thought
Maybe you could use this
Even this
Because it gets better
I have to believe that