The story about Waffle House

my brother
Asked me to go with him
For waffles last night
I thought
It’s like 1am
I might as well eat something
While I’m doing nothing”

We get there
And it’s freezing!
I mean 5 degrees
I can’t feel my hands

I sit down and start ordering
You know
Your basic Waffle House meal
grits and scrambled eggs

When my brother sits down
The nice waitress
“Are you ready or..”
He looks at her coldly
And snaps
“No, i’d like a minute thank you.”
He looks around and says
“This is fucking not ok
This is ridiculous
It’s fucking cold.
And I’m not going to
Scarf my food down trying to keep
It from getting cold!”

When the waitress returned
He almost immediately said
“What can we do about this cold air going on?”
And she apologizes
Like “I’m so sorry”
and runs to turn it off and turn on the heat.
He starts mumbling about how they’ve let the place go
And it’s just a horrible place
I got my food
He stopped her from leaving
Looked at me
And said
“Now,check that.are you ok with that?
Those eggs?.”
I stopped with my fork in my hand
and looking from the waitress
To my brother
To my plate
I said
“Yeah. It’s all good dude.”
But I did ask for orange juice
Because I had a horrible headache
Just massive
And he was all like
“How can you eat those eggs like that?”
And I said
“Well,they’re eggs…they’re scrambled
I ordered scrambled eggs.”
Then he says
“I’ll order now …
I’ll have the same thing
But keep the toast…”
She knew what was coming
I knew what was coming
When I saw the smirk on his cold dead face
And she said
“You want me to do anything …”
And he looked surprised
And raised his hands
Now picture Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire
The scene where he grabs his jacket
And shakes his hands
And makes the comment
“You like this jacket ? Cause I don’t need it!”
Or something like that
That’s exactly what I saw
When my brother
Raised his hands and looking surprised said the words I’ll never forget …
“Oh no! Now please don’t miss understand all of that
HE! Is ok with the eggs …he is ok with them
But let’s be real
Those aren’t scrambled eggs
And we both know it
That’s I turned my back
And forgot about the eggs
So I chopped them up and threw them
On the plate anyway..”

I Died
Right there
I died
And he knew it
He was grinning
I’m not a confrontational
I looked at my eggs
Looking for marks of abuse
I saw
That’s what I saw
He gave his order :
Bacon – pressed, but only on the left side…and many other things
I didn’t understand
I’m an idiot
When it comes to food
I told myself
This is some language
between those who
Can cook and the rest of us
And let’s face it
I’m the guy who tried
To spread vegetable oil
With a coffee filter and
Burned his hand

When his waitress stopped shaking
Her head and tapping her foot
And the order pad
Stopped soaking up
The blood from her hand
Because she was pressing
So firmly with her pen
And he,Lenin
Stopped dictating his order
I realised
I miss heard him
He must not have said
“hey man ,let’s go eat Waffle House ”
He said
“Hey man
Let’s go sit in hell
And watch me go Stalin and Lenin
Over my order…for I will be served”

I even looked around to make sure
This was in fact a Waffle House
And not
A disguise
Like with parking
And wine
And shit
Just a Waffle House
You know the
Place you can go when
You Shit your pants but you’re still hungry
Or you need to quickly deplete the number of children in your household
Just before Christmas
There is no expectation here
It’s food fixed like at home

But he kept picking at things
The salt shaker
Didn’t give enough salt
The syrup for my waffle
Was on the napkin holder
“Probably hadn’t been cleaned in months …look at that syrup all over those napkins”

I poured my syrup
Onto my cold waffle
Because that’s the way I like it
And I slowly chopped it
With my fork

He started picking it apart
“I made them hold my waffle until I ask for it.yours is probably cold.
How can you eat it like that?
Your eggs and your waffle?
There’s a line for food
A mark
And I can hit that mark
Your food is a disgrace
When you pay for
Food you should get food”

I looked at him
“No,you’re being a dick
An ass
A fucking ass hat.
I can eat my food
Because my eggs
They are scrambled
They are eggs
And that’s what I ordered”

“That’s burned”

“I like burned
I burn popcorn
I burn coffee
I burn eggs
I eat burned
It’s done
Burned is done
But this is more like rare for me
But it’s eggs so I’m mixing it
With my grits
And I don’t care”

I got up
Pulling up my sleeve
So if anyone could see my tattoos
They would know that
I am strong
I am creative
I can handle pain
And we are not gay
And he is not
The stronger partner
Because unlike My brothers
Which signify some
Random Japanese shit
That means nothing
Mine have meaning
I thought about mine
And endured it

At some point
I was asked if I wanted more
I said
No I’m fine,thank you so much though

And he was all like
“I’ll have some…it’s cold already.”
She asked if I was sure I didn’t want
her to warm
My cup ….

I smiled and said
“Oh no,mine’s just perfect”
I raised my glass
And drank it cold
Swished it through my mouth

While he was dictating his new
But looking at me
His left eye twitched
With pain and suffering

You see
I like cold coffee
I forget things
And so I learned to like
It cold
You taste it better that way
It’s not burning you down
Just right
And coffee beanish

I set my glass down

And raised my eyebrow
I really believe he thought
He was having
An intellectual discussion
On the preparing of food
What he was having
Was the quickest route
To getting foreign body substances
In your food

He will have that waffle now

Just next door to hell
“Russian roulette ”
‘Serve me peasant
And you might live ‘


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