The time capsule


So I guess this social media thing is here to stay…
Which is weird for me
Mostly because 10 – 13 years ago it wasn’t a thing …
But then neither was any of us
We were all awkward
Without very much to say
And who knows maybe one day
we can go dig up that home made time capsule from 1999
and retrieve the green screened Nokia flip phone
And return to Tetris!

But seriously
Back then nobody was that social
I remember this because
If you wanted people to know you were having a baby?
A wedding?
You had to make an investment
You went and laid down your satchel
And got a professional picture made
And put that thing in the paper
For ….pretty much your local community to see.
Not the entire world.
But some parents
And people
Always got worked up about it
Shaking their heads
They’d comment on the stupidity
And the vanity
Of it all
“Someone is going to steal that baby,idiots.”
They’d say.
And I always pictured
A creeper van driving through town reading the paper
Taking names
And addresses
Of adorably vain new couples

You have smart phones
In the delivery room
Husbands taking sweaty pictures
Of their wives faces
“Hold your hand??
Hold on,just one more of your vagina
That way the baby knows where it came from.”
Regardless of the sex of said baby
Trust me
At some point in their future
They will be familiar again
With the vagina
No one
Wants to see those pictures

The government
can see those pictures
And trust me
They don’t care about it that much
To prove this
And settle the argument forever
they decided to really slow things down
Through the smart television
Now they can WATCH you
Interesting ….
You would think
All the porn searches
And pictures of cats would have slowed them down
Or at least depressed them…
Now they are going to see you watching Netflix
And crying
While eating Cheetos
And Krystals before passing out
Because Krystals is like thanksgiving
In a little bun.
Where as Taco Bell?
More like black tar Heroin.
Almost kills you…but you just keep coming back for that last hit.

Social media ruined my childhood dream of reading people’s minds
It’s not that interesting
I don’t care about your 5th date/love of your life.
I just want to beat you at trivia crack
Honestly I do.

But regardless …
Whether social media lives or dies
We will probably live to tell the tale
And if we die …
Well it’s our new time capsule for
Extra terrestrial life
And future generations …
Just let that sink in.

One thought on “The time capsule

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