For The Clumsy


So we just got a new bathroom floor.I’m pretty excited about it. I could write a thirty page thesis on it…but I’m holding myself back.That’s the thing about “adulting”, you get excited about things like floors.But never doors.I’m a clumsy person…which makes navigating everyday normal  things (like doors) a real catalyst for pain with me.

But what about showers,and bathing you ask?.Oh we can walk on water.Us the clumsy,but we can’t handle immovable objects.

    Small things give it away.My watch for example,it looks like it should belong to Han Solo, it has smitten so many objects. The other day, I was attempting to carry heavy things…you know,to look busy. Well I fell all over the place.Arms fully loaded. By all appearances,according to the evidence of video tape, and any  Hypochondriacs there that day…I may  have ALS. 

  My dad used to tell me to get my head out of the clouds and stop waving my arms around like a “Cartoon”. I guess he was on to something. It was so bad when I played baseball ( I know,that’s a real kicker ) that when I tried to throw the ball, would you believe it actually went behind me?. I do not lie. Now THIS was really the apex of all humiliation…a small child can swallow down…running into fences…missing pop flies…walking face first into a hand dryer and falling out in the women’s restroom half dead, because they were staring at a model that walked by …

But to throw a ball…fully extending the right hand …and it go with force,behind you. Well,that’s just the end of everything. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen…then you just look stupid.So,you have to turn around and look in the sand…because that’s where it’s buried…in the sand …like a bullet…directly behind you.

   Anyway,it drove my dad Crazy!. Looking back..I think it’s kind of funny. And it follows you around like a family curse.The first time you sliced an orange,you did everything right…only your hand was directly under,palming, said orange. That was the day you learned citrus and flesh wounds do not mix. 

And moving…

couches,pivoting couches,Closing car doors, Washing machines. If you’re clumsy or easily distracted and find yourself living in a world,surrounded by these objects?. You too may have The Great Turkey slicing story of  ’96. And many other scars. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s