I’m here,in the laundry room that is. It’s where I have always read books and written best.So get ready,ready for some things you didn’t know about growing up. Or at least turning halfway fifty.
I was 18 and spread out like Braveheart across an emergency room surgery table. Counting down from ten …nine…eight…everything was going blurry when the ER Doctor walked in and touched my arm.Prepping for an exploratory surgery.
“It’s all going to be fine,buddy.” He said. (Six…five …I’m falling asleep.) And the last thing I hear the Doctor say,looking to his assistant:
“It’s such a fucking shame.He’s so young.”
I don’t care how free healthcare is. It doesn’t pay for that heart attack.
I hate sports.No,really I do. I played baseball and golf. But was terrible at both. Growing up I always liked motor cross and the X Games. I remember buying a skateboard after playing about 180 hours of Tony Hawk on the Nintendo 64. Believing I truly had developed some rad skills…I took off with it. And immediately broke it – in half.
Baseball was just as bad. I don’t know why or how…but I’m pretty sure,when you throw the ball…it’s supposed to go forward…not backwards. And well. My throws never did that…they always buried themselves in the sand behind me and I couldn’t quite find them.
Golf was just a bad investment one summer. That was so bad. You really lay down your satchel for that one. But I understand why there is so much drinking involved.
When you get older. It’s funny what you get excited about. Things like New bed sheets.IRA’s.Vacations…where you do absolutely nothing. I would love to tell you great advice on being married or living together or whatever it is you would be doing…but I’m not going to tell you that. I’m going to tell you this.
There will be moments when you open the fridge and there is a glass of milk there. It’s not yours, Because you are lactose intolerant. And it’s not hers,Because she drinks from the jug. This will remain a mystery between the two of you.
You will start taking vitamins for good health. Which will make you wake up at 4am feeling energized and optimistic about life. You will hate this. Hahaha. But you will work out. And you will love coffee. You will order coffee for your coffee.
Sometimes,She will be fascinated by your Eyelids…or blow in your mouth while kissing you…you know ,like a blow fish.This would be fine…if you were awake. But you are asleep. And as it turns out.it was the earthquake (her shaking you) that woke you. None of the rest.So I guess you’re a pretty deep sleeper after all.
There’s a competition,see who can go the longest without coming on to the other. This is stupid.What’s the prize for that anyway?. Food!?. Get the banquet table ready babe. I will own this.Bacon.Bacon and pasta.
I lost. But It was a different kind of banquet table.and it was good.
You will start saving recipes.Trading recipes. Cooking. Which has never been a talent. But what do you know. It was there all along.
I’m not good at moving things.once there was a piano I tried to move.I felt like one single tie down would be good enough. It was not. It fell on its side in the back of the truck. And after getting it to the building,I wasn’t quite sure how to get it out of the truck . So,we just tried to catch it. This was a mistake.I don’t know if you have ever tried to catch a piano….but boy…let me tell you…we went through a drywall.Crushed someone’s arm…I was shocked.amazed.
I made the same mistake years later. Moving again. This time with a favorite antique chair. This chair was not as heavy as I first believed.Mostly because,well, I didn’t actually pick it up. So we didn’t tie it down.it quickly fell out of the truck.
So.if you’re ever moving things.Tie them down.and don’t ever-ever try and catch a piano off a truck. ‘Cause shit’s heavy.
Last but not least. I can say this. I met my Nurse. 7 years ago. We hung out a bit…we were in the same strange group of friends. And then I fired her. Because I was young. And I was her boss. And then we stopped hanging out.She was always her own woman who took no shit from anyone-not even me. A couple of years later. We started hanging out again. And she blew me away. You can not replace someone who loves you. And supports you.Someone who feeds your soul.Someone who believes in you.in that closeness,where you fight for each other.
So you will want to be together. You will want all of your tomorrows to be together. This is it. You can’t put a price tag on it.
Embrace it.Don’t run. Life moves forward.