When you think of New York
You don’t think of buildings
Or population
Of the weather …
The smell of asphalt
Wet and burning
Which makes the people
Feel more like
Rodents running
No,no,
You think of
Opportunity
At least I did
I was telling my sister,Jo
This at her bar
I great little place
A hole in the wall
I love coming here to relax
play piano at the window
Watching all the people
Moving in and out
She just looked at me
With that expression
And then said
“That’s a whole lot of hyperbole
My bar is getting taxed to death
I can’t pay rent for my apartment
So I’m staying here now …
There’s something to write about.”
Then she stopped and shaking her head poured me a drink.
“Vodka, make sure that’s vodka”
I said pointing (she hates people pointing)
“Don’t give me Rum like last time
I almost died …I could see the world just beginning
As I was falling out …I think that’s actually a quote…maybe?”
I was only giving her a hard time
“It’s vodka” she said dryly
Shooting it down the bar
I always admired her talent
“What’s really bothering you?”
I asked as seriously as I could
She just looked at me
So I went to the piano
And stopped
There
On the seat
Was a box
Macadamias …
Jo shouted from the bar
“Hey, Annabel came by
she had been baking…again.
She said you seemed upset
So she brought
Cookies.”
Annabel
Was great
The baker and holiday
Coordinator
A great friend
To have in This massive city
Fortunately
it’s where her degree
Brought her
And everybody loves
A getting pulling up their roots
I sat down at the piano
Shaking the rain out of my scarf
Watching the people outside
Shuffling in all their hurry
I began playing my favourite
melody for rain
Chopin’s
Prelude in E minor
Counting the colours of scarfs
And shoots of red hair
Poking out from hats
I wondered if anyone
Ever regretted moving here?
You can’t always go backwards
Even something like this
Can sometimes
Leave you isolated
I needed to start writing
I needed to do something
But instead
I stayed
And I played
Until my sleeves
We’re rolled to elbows
My jacket on the familiar floor
And I was on Prelude D flat
“Rain drop”
As the night shuffled in …
Down the alleys
And the corners
And the rain
Long had given over
To snow
Chapter 2
“I don’t know…”
Sara was staring straight ahead with her camera …taking shots of old people in the park
And animals …
Her flaming red hair spraying out
From her hoodie
I looked at her for a second
Shaking my head I asked again
“Are you really ok?”
“No…we were together for 7 years
And then he just left…
I don’t know if I can do this again…”
She was always the strong one
In the group
Her British accent
Tattoos and camera
She seemed untouchable
Until she started dating again
And then reverted back to
This …person…
Who couldn’t make a decision
But in her defence
Her previous relationship
Had been something else
“Jared looked at me like he didn’t know me …and then he just left…”
She took a shot of an old couple asleep on a bench ….
I sighed …
“Well,you can’t stay in bed all the time…you have to get out more …
Turn these pictures in…”
I kicked the curb ….sending pigeons flying around in a panick
You turn in your manuscript??”
She was genuinely concerned
“No…I can’t finish it…”
“Are you still seeing Laura?”
“Yeah,but I don’t know…I think so…she’s a screenwriter …I mean we essentially do the same thing …and I don’t know…it seems to be going well…”
“I think I’m a lesbian…”
I stopped …
“What? I helped you pack when Eric cheated on you…you just got through telling me about Jared having a hard time because…”
She laughed
“I know I know…but I don’t know how to be myself in a relationship…
But with women …I can do that…it’s very freeing…I can breathe …”
“Well,I’m not telling Jared..”
“Neither am I …I’ll just let it run its course..”
“You are insane…a mad woman.”
“Maybe but at least I’m not afraid to turn my manuscripts in or ask a girl to marry me”
I grabbed her camera and shot a bar across the street
“That’s just unnecessary cruelty …I’m not getting married anyway…
You need to talk to Jared
He needs to understand what’s going on he fell in love with
A strong woman who made decisions
And now you’re afraid of upsetting him …you have to talk to him about
What’s going on .”
She stopped, setting the camera down
She started to cry …
In 5 years I had never seen Sara cry
So I just held her
And said nothing
chapter 3
Right here
At thanksgiving
It’s freezing
And all I want is my muffin
That’s it
But a hand flashes in front of
My face
And takes it from me
“Hey!”
It’s Rachael
jumping ahead of me
With my muffin
All full of energy
She owns her own
Gym and nutrition place
Or thing
It’s very foreign to me
“If you want it
You have to work for it
Come on!”
She’s laughing and running ahead of me – backwards…
“Dammit…” I breathed
“Shhhhit! Come on it’s negative 20 out here ! if I move I’m going to tear something I much rather prefer
Slowly freezing with my muffin.
It’s more acceptable than breaking
Like porcelain ….”
She pouted,her nose crinkling
With disappointment
“Oh fine Achilles …have your muffin
You are quite the warrior”
“I’m not laughing,I’m not laughing…
I’m ready to get to the bar so we can eat Annabel’s food and wrap things
Can we do that? Let’s do that.
No one dies from death temps
And exposure.”
“Oh christmas it’s overrated
I hate the cold but I still run
I make this body what it is.”
She was messing with me
“Listen you communist,I love Christmas and muffins
And fires
I like the cold
I just happen to be aware
Of when my blood is
Frozen,congealed and killing me. Where’s your american spirit?
This is a time for sleeping
And getting fat
Not running and health.
Indulgence! Dammit.
That’s euphoria!”
“Yeah,sounds like diabetes
and no sex to me..I don’t like it”
She laughed and ran
inside Jo’s bar …
I sighed,
“Jesus I need to find some dudes to start hanging out with…”
Chapter 4
The mop splashes across the blood. Mister Sing, slowly moves it around in circular motions left to right. “Does this happen often”, I ask. “Oh yes”, he pauses for just a moment…picking something off of the floor. “Ah! the finger!” He presents it to me on a foam tray, with a grin. “Maybe Allen used to be a ten but he’s just a nine and three quarters,today.”
He continues mopping while talking he’s a good one…I’ve always enjoyed just hanging out and listening to him tell his stories about working with people. His family started the business in the 30’s so he never runs out of them.the stories I mean.
“Butchers are always cutting off limbs.But one time,I had a customer just fall out in the floor reaching for eggs. Just filleted her leg open on a basket. Blood was everywhere. Asked her if she was on any medicine…she said. ‘Oh no! no! Just blood thinner!’ I had to wrap it myself until the ambulance got here.” The floor is clean. You wouldn’t know there was a finger or blood or a screaming Allen fifteen minutes ago.Kicking a trash can in the back of the store…holding his hand between his legs. “I tried to get Allen out here” – Mister Sing continues – “but he took one look at all that blood and walked outside until she was gone.”
Mister Sing hands me a brown bag over the counter. ” Here’s your ground chuck,and fingerless at that! He says laughing and shaking his head. I put some bbq in there also…trust me…(he spreads his hands for emphasis) you’re going to want in on that…goes on everything…put it on a salad…and it turns into meat. Ho-Hey!.” He laughs.
Chapter 5
Artist
It’s said
Always want one thing
We want to be heard
We want to be seen
We want to be understood
we say we feel things
Differently
We see things differently
Things coming together
Just to come apart
Like entropy
The only difference
Between us
And everyone else
Is that we not only see it
We feel it ….
And we are jaded
Sometimes before it even
Happens
A stair case
A closed door
Snow coming through the window
Paint chipping on the walls
You see it all
But you’re outside
Standing with
Sara telling you to go
Take a chance on
Laura
Even after your fight
Your drop down drag out
Fight
God Laura …
Her blonde hair
Pulled back
Her hoodies
And loose clothes
Her violent schedule
Working with
Local theaters
And dance studios
And writing her
Screenplays
You could see the
Scars along the inside
Of her arms …
The first time we slept
Together
She was nervous
It was like a map for me …
Pieces of doors and windows
That only she could open
If she wanted to
Tell the stories
Behind them
Standing at the balcony with our drinks
Laura pointed to the
apartment across the street
“I’ve always loved her window..she keeps lights in it all year ’round…not just on holidays.it’s nice you know?.”
“Every night is like New Years then?” “Exactly…the possibility of beginning all over again in the morning.”
She smiled-covering her face with her hand.”it’s ridiculous, I know.” But I didn’t think so at all. And I told her just that.
We stood in her theatre work shops
And she wrote letters on the backs of photographs
Sliding them across to me
But the staircase
And that door
My heart didn’t feel right
There was an echo to its beat
As I walked in
The fan (spinning lazily with a slant)
The heater (burning)
I could hear the shower
On the other side of the door
I opened it…
Doors like boxes
And safes
Hide things
But it’s really just a psychological
Thing because we have the ability
To look inside them
there are always secrets
There will always be secrets
Your father wasn’t the guy
You thought he was
Your wife is a lesbian
Your boss is actually into
Hard core porn
And Heroin ….
Secrets are little rooms
That we have a hard time
Opening
But when it opens
It’s open
And all you can do
Is read it
Even though
It sometimes
More often than not
Is like the aftermath of a storm …
the shower (steam and water hissing)
The mirror (fogged over)
The curtain (torn from its hangers)
And Laura …
on the floor (facedown)
Naked
Trapped between the toilet and the sink
She’d suffocated from a seizure ….
No one there to help
It’s been said that artist
Always want one thing …
Sometimes all you have is
The need to be seen
I guess that’s what we have
In common
That need …
Artist just say it louder
We feel it
Maybe or
Maybe we keep it in….
like Laura
Who never told me about
Her epilepsy
It’s just a room
Waiting on the
Courage it takes
You to open it
With files and folders
we foolishly think only
We can read
but it’s there
It’s not a door
It’s our lives
It’s a window
And everyone is looking
And no one at all
Chapter 6
Did you know,that in WWII…Hitler wanted his generals to burn down Paris …but they looked at the city…and they just couldn’t….the idea of saving it ‘s historic pieces …was to great.To be able to look at them…years later…and know…’I could have destroyed that…but I chose to save it instead.’
Too bad they couldn’t all feel the same about saving a race of people ….
I’m sorry I’m rambling again
I was just looking at a photo Sara took…it’s hanging above her couch…Her place is small,but nice.’efficient’ is the term she uses.Doesn’t believe in wasting space.
She walks out of her room, red hair,pulled back into a messy bun.Hands me a large Yellow envelope….and just stairs at me with her big green eyes.
“Take it…it’s nothing…I just thought you might want them.”
I tear open the corner
And there they are
Black and white images
Of Laura, working on stage…directing actors….Laura …sitting in a window…looking out at the people of New York
My chest feels heavy….
“When did you take these??”
I ask
Sara just shrugs and pours some coffee
“A few months before the accident…how are things with you? We haven’t exactly heard from you and it’s been a while since I see you around.”
She sat down on the floor beside the window ,crossing her legs…lighting a cigarette.
“I’m ok.i took a journalism internship…but i had to go to Louisiana… Just a bunch of old jobs …stories on culture…things like that.”
“Sounds good”
“It was…I really needed to get away,ya know?”
“Yeah….I can’t really take much photographs anymore…I have this thing with my eyes…I just can’t see.”
“What?,why didn’t you say anything? Have you had it checked out?”
“No,no,I don’t have to…it’s genetic …I know how this works.”
She shrugged and got up,crossing the floor.
“Sara,look,I’m sorry…I know I haven’t been around…I left real fast.like,real fast.and I’m sorry. But…I had to….I just want to be a good writer…I want to write something that matters…something good.and I’m really sorry,you should have been able to reach me.”
She turned around and looked at me.
I kind of felt sick then
Because I realised
Everyone is older now
and some of us are dead
Some of us are going blind
And for me
The world just kind of felt numb
And I just kind felt stuck
And I felt real selfish
And ashamed
“You could always tell me anything,Josh.you didn’t have to leave like that….and all of us had plans…I don’t know what I’m going to do…I have seen wonderful things …I regret nothing…I don’t have to see anything else.especially if i have you two.”
Sara looked out the window
And I realised just then
How there’s so many people in New York
But yet
We still have only a few
And we still feel alone sometimes
And if we are lucky to have these few …who stay close …we should definitely keep them.
And I knew we would make it. I knew we would be ok. What else is there?
End
Regarding Samuel 