I’m Serious

We recently went to Mississippi, and by ‘we’ I mean my lover and I. More formally known as wife,best friend,partner in Netflix binges,fellow dog walker,and sometimes, partner in dog hair removal from chairs.

Mississippi is the deadest state. There’s nothing there, nothing. Just Family Dollar and a couple of Wendy’s, and not even the good ones. More like the ones that all the left over food got recalled to. It’s so poor even Walmart won’t touch it. 

But they have these great casinos. And that’s why we went. For the casinos, just in case you were thinking it was the Family Dollars.

Casinos are filled with retired people. Really really retired people. People that retired from retirement. They expect these people. I can say this because when you go to the bathroom, they have sharp boxes on the walls, you know, to throw your Insulin needles in. I really,really hope that’s what they are being used for…because otherwise,Heroin.

 I kind of felt like I was in a Stephen King novel because they never close. You wander down the stairs in the middle of the night,there are all these lights and smoke and this machine is still going like Gatsby…only everyone is old and drinking and the drinks are free but they’re refusing to tip the waitress. Suddenly you realize you’re possibly in the Shining.

On our journey back, we started to almost miss Alabama. Because there’s nothing in Mississippi. Absolutely NOTHING. Until we stopped at a lone O’Charley’s and I saw on the menu,on this blessed Sunday, the words …”try our weekend Mimosa for brunch.”

And that’s when I looked at our waitress and asked “excuse me, I can order alcohol on a Sunday?”and she looked at me and went “pff” just like that, “pfff of course,where do you think you are?” and I thought, I don’t know, Alabama, where you have to seek out Sunday beverages like the Holy Grail.
The state with the least amount of anything has the least restrictions on alcohol.I don’t know why,perhaps it’s because everyone is depressed over Wendy’s and their three bean chili. I didn’t ask.

But I was astounded and delighted. So I ordered a Mimosa,because it was made of my favorite things, champagne and champagne.

I did not know 
They bring these out  in a very feminine glass …

I’m drinking it when I notice this older guy down the aisle,you know, a couple of booths away. 

Glaring at me and my feminine glass. 
And I glare right back. 

And ordering another Mimosa I notice…

…he’s eating a salad…and reaching under the table. Before every bite, he reaches between his legs where, interestingly enough, he has brought his very own personal plastic bag of nuts. For his salad.

Now, this would be ok …IF he was simply dumping them ON THE SALAD.

 But no. 

He is reaching and picking. Sprinkling for each bite. 
I almost laughed. Thinking, “you’re glaring over at me with my feminine glass of champagne and OJ while you reach between your legs for nuts to top your salad. Sir, I am not the most interesting thing happening in this restaurant right now. That would be the Ziplock of personal nuts between your legs. Maybe.”


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