I wish I was making this up

I love my wife.So I recently got one of those Victoria’s Secret credit cards. But they don’t call them that. They call them Angel cards. To make you feel special. Like a rare unicorn. 

I got the card. I don’t know, I haven’t even used it. I always get L gift cards… A hundred dollars or so…they have those nice pajama pants and robes…kimonos…

We really are that easy , just wear it with nothing else. Seriously. 

 I’m pretty sure I’m the only guy with an angel card and here’s why;
I called to activate the card. The guy starts talking on the other side…and when he hears my name…he’s surprised…and he actually almost laughed. Saying “ohhh..ok…so…how’s the weather over there today?”

And I wanted to say. “Ok dude. I’m not some pervert. I’m not going to max out this card and wear an entire catalogue or anything around my house. I’m using this to buy gifts for my wife…

But I didn’t say anything I just let the guy almost laugh to himself. I figured he deserved this moment. 

The bed 
Since I’ve been sharing a bed with a woman. I can tell you. We are all pretty much like tall 12 year olds.We still fight sleep. Just in different ways. Apparently I start making moves on L and she gets pretty annoyed and is like “I’m reading.” So I just set my head on her breasts and she plays  with my hair. And seven seconds later I’m asleep. 

The next morning she is a little annoyed. Because apparently I was just fighting sleep.

I remember when we first started seeing each other. I was like in this old horrible bed. I’m pretty sure Joan of Arc slept in it. Our feet could touch the bottom and it creaked every time you turned over…so you never could actually reach a deep sleep. It was just maybe a full size bed. And then I got this queen size bed. And it was huge. And new. We just laid there in it. Thinking “man…this thing is so much better than that old bed.”

The first time L saw it… She tried to jump up in it but couldn’t and just laid against it and said “how am I supposed to get in this thing?” 

Later on vacation,we stayed in a hotel and they had a KING. It was like a bed inside a bed. There was so much space. We didn’t touch each other. There were moments I forgot she was there. I would turn  over just to look for her. Make sure I did in fact bring her with me. And we both were like…” We’ve got to upgrade to one of these.” 

I’m pretty sure whoever invented the KING was either a king with many women. A recluse with lots of cats, or someone inside an 18 year marriage or on their 4th child. 

I’m only guessing but I assume at some point they are just like “I don’t want to know you’re here or feel you next to me. I don’t care what you’re doing…I’m in my kingdom right here. This is my part of the castle …

A couple could have two television sets at the foot of a king and it wouldn’t even matter. 
The salesman who sold me the queen said he would see me after a few years for a king. Once he went king he never went back. His wife was sitting all the way across the furniture store reading a paper. 

And that’s how I know all of this is true. 


2 thoughts on “I wish I was making this up

  1. Oh my GOD I want a king so bad. My partner and I struggle so much in sleep, especially now that it’s getting hot out cause it’s summer, we’re both dying, and sticking together and slowly becoming more hateful that we have to share a sleeping space. So grats on the king, jelly.

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