2020 #1

I remember when I was young

2020 seemed like it would be space aged

But it turned out more sci fi

And stranger than fiction

We didn’t get StarFleet

We got blade runner

Everyone’s experience is different

The essentials

Can only discuss among themselves

While drinking

Because it’s becoming part of them

And no one else gets it

While others stay at home

Some may be struggling

For food

For shelter

And others are ok

Enjoying this time

——-

I woke up this morning

I forced myself to get out of bed

In some strange way

I felt nothing at all

Strangely isolated from even myself

I fed my cat

And my dog

They both take naps with me

Looking back

I know I haven’t been to war

But it’s a different stress

A couple of months ago

People were not calling you a hero

You were nudged to go get a better career

Or looked down on

For not having ambition

Now

It’s these jobs

Nurses

Frontlines

They are this glue holding everything together

And they keep putting more and more on the table

But you wonder

Is any of this real

You work the same no matter what

You smile and you bear it

Every day you try and be better than you were yesterday …

And you worry about your team

——-

It’s not going to war

But it’s a mental war

Because you feel yourself changing

And you know when all of this

Is over

We all will be different

Some of us would have

Lost something, parts of ourselves

Jobs

Homes

Family

Someone we know

Someone we love

——-

Some of us would just be glad to be out again.

Some of us will be bitter

Some of us made more money than we ever have before

While others

Worked harder

And longer

For the same pay

Or

Our pay was cut

Raises froze

And hours cut

And some of us won’t have changed at all…

——

I stare into the mirror and I don’t see anything, anything at all. I can’t go to sleep unless it’s drinking myself to sleep….

I wonder if maybe all the things I thought were big deals were just my own bullshit…maybe I did fuck up my marriage, maybe I should have tried harder, maybe I don’t do well by myself, maybe I do use people and things and then throw them away…maybe I am my own enemy….

———

Some of us will be numb

Like a Veteran coming home

Because we didn’t stay home

We’ve been driving through the empty streets of our home towns

We’ve been watching our communities

Taking care of them

Since day one

Some of us will be numb

From what we’ve seen

And from what we had to give

And it will just take some time

For us to come back home to ourselves

Please understand

——-

I try to feel something

While I pour another drink

I watch the sunset and the storm roll in

I feel nothing