Writers Log #33

Origin unknown

It’s time to kill our demons

I know we are just our decisions

Our stories

Our faults

Our moments

But there ain’t no grave

can hold my body down

If you will

We’ve been playing

With the devil

Drinking

Toying

Fucking

I had one too many hangovers

And a three day flare up that almost sent me to the hospital

It’s still not over

—-

I’m through

31 –

I’m not drinking in feb

And I’ll go from there

I’m going to start taking time off from work and actually be off rather than work other jobs…

I’m going to work out

I have a whole room I never use

I’m not mad at anyone

I haven’t lived the life you have

You can’t control people

But I’m tired of hating myself

Because I do

I hate myself

I hate everything I write

I hate that I care – even when I know how it’s going to end

I’ve always felt that I’m running out of time ….

I remember when my grandfather died …

I was standing in the trailer

Thinking about how my mother lost her father …

And when my father died

I was thinking about how everyone else must have felt…

I’ve never really considered myself …

I’m just gathering storms and rivers

Placing them in my toolbox for later…but I’m through. I have to build. I have to keep moving forward…my life has to move forward. Whether I hate myself or not. We don’t get what we deserve, we get what we got. It’s up to us to build.

What else is there?

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