Hell and Living

We were young
And
We didn’t have expectations
We thought that made us better
But it was a lie
Everybody has expectations
Even if it’s expecting us NOT to have them…
But it was really just saying
I’m afraid I’ll let you down
And then you will leave
—-
People stay with what they know
We dated people that would date us for 7 years while looking for their soulmate
And we dated people who didn’t have any goals or ambition
But why ?
A friend from out of town asked me one night …
I told them it’s just easier because
If you’re with someone who knows exactly what they want
Where they are headed
You’re suddenly afraid
Because you might not be what they need
And you might not get a second chance with them if you let them down or hurt them
But with these other people
You can waste decades
And there’s no risk
It’s just what we know
What we are comfortable with
And used to
Like anything else ….

They just looked at me
Shook their head
Poured another drink…

I thought about how life is….
How we are….

And how nice it is we can change .
At any moment.

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Locals

If winter is cold and empty

Summer

Is fire in the blood

Bourbon on the lips

Out here

On these mountains

Where the dust settles

In the valley

Like the floor of the churches

Along the tracks in your hometown

We learned

About fire raining down burning the alter and the dirt around it

Survivalism is our anthem

Overcoming

Is what we are

And we didn’t have much

But it was enough

authenticity is learned

Like intimacy

And truth

She teaches herself

How to live

How to overcome

How to be anything

And you are earth

Grounded

She is sky

Higher than

What they are selling

She’s ok with the finer things

She’s ok with the little things

She’s always growing

Alright

You have to keep going

You have to keep growing

You have to understand

Anything can change

Anything can happen

There’s no rules

summer

On the mountain

It used to be the kind of

Thing

You were carefree

Trains on the track

Gas in the Datsun

You were and you weren’t

Time after time

It’s alright

We become as we grow

Fire in her eyes

Lonely isn’t empty

You get knocked out

Broke down

Let down

Time after time

You build yourself back

You build yourself back

You pour out the bitter

You cut out the root

You keep growing back

Like these mountains

Like these roads

Only local understands

You continue

She continues

You continue

We continue

Go

-E

Regardingsamuel.com

Ash

We are all living on the edge of the day
Out here
It’s what we know
If something good
This way should come
Would we even be able to get up to get it
We can’t even afford to make the break
For something better
——
What gold dust promise
Did they feed you
To put your mind to rest in the night
——
Under class
Coming in last
What broken bones
Did you learn to walk on
What pain did you put at the back of your mind
———
We grew up at the back of the line
We’ve always been
On welfare
We’ve always been waiting
For another
Just one more
Week
Day
Next
Next time will be better
Next love
Next job
Next life
—-
Next
—-
Paradise is out – there
Somewhere
——-
If help is out there
It’s too too late
All the power is off
All the food is gone
All the ills
And bills are due
All the panic is strong
All the history is gone
Does it look good on you?
They want you to stay quiet
But your words are all you’ve got
If I should fade
It’s all I’ve got
I’m leaving
I’m out of ideas
My weight left in the night
I’m not even hungry
I tried to get out
But you can’t even make the break
You’re so far behind
They shoot you at the gate
You try
There’s nothing to fall back on
My pulse is gone
My mind is fog
My heart is ash
My tongue is cut out
My blood is cold
It never let’s go
It never lets go
It never lets go
-Regardingsamuel.com

The last line

There was evil, and there was memory and who knows when you first meet either of the two. He knew he saw her standing in the woods in the dark when he was little. Her black dress…long hands…

That was when he saw the lights in the sky.

He saw her again when he was house sitting for his grandfather after his grandmother died. He could hear her long dress moving through the hall at night. Always just catching a glimpse of her entering the rooms.

The night his father died, he saw her through the window, sitting in the rocker. He knew then he had passed.

Maybe it was when he drove the long drive to his father in law to tell him he couldn’t love his daughter anymore…

He saw her then…

He kept hearing the words

Sick in the stomach

Weights around his neck

“You’re not the victim here, if you do this, it will end in destruction, you’re on a dangerous road.”

“He’s just lost. He’s lost.”

He sees her now, every night. In his door. Just like he did before…

She just stands there and then floats away. Sucking all of the light and air out of the room.

Who knows when you meet evil…

There was also a different figure

Blonde red hair

Blue eyes like stars

And fire wings

She was there when he had a seizure in a ditch

She was there, reading, when he was in the hospital, she was there always…

But lately she just smoked and made fun of his poetry…

He wondered if he would off himself

Or where any of these were headed

He wondered what any of this was…

If he was going to lose everything

If anything really ended in destruction

If he was even good

Really

He felt empty and numb

He wondered

If it was really possible to run out of time

Because he felt everything ending

And

What any of it was about

Second Bite (beer with the devil 3)

I had a dream I was drinking with the Devil again…

The bar fell quiet. The crowd of people but I felt some-one else moving through them. I could hear his hard soles on the floor…just shadow and cold.

⁃ I’m so glad you finally made it. It’s really been too long.

He spread his arms wide

⁃ You really out did yourself.

⁃ There is something else. I can feel it.

⁃ Who? Lou? Nah that’s just Death. He’s been here a long time. you’re not wrong. It’s passed the politician and the promises. The light show, you feel it too. You’re an old soul. That’s why I like artist. You feel us before we ever arrive. Like the weather.

⁃ Who is it?

⁃ Death, hates her. She’s a much older evil. She was here before the beginning. Before anything was written. Before the plan. She only serves herself.

I sat back and looked around the room. I felt like I was old. I felt like I was sifting.

I remembered old tent revivals

Dirt on the floor

I remembered thunderstorms

And mountain roads

A thin voice, eaten by tobacco and gin spoke

I didn’t even notice he had sat down.

-You’re sick. I can smell it in your blood. You’re losing weight. You can only endure so much pain.

Another voice spoke at the table. I hadn’t noticed she had sat down. She looked tired. Tattoos. A thick accent. She ashed her cigarette in my drink.

⁃ Shut up. He’s always been tired. You believe everyone is sick anyway.

⁃ You see, your vanity has you thinking the good is even with the evil. There’s no balance. You’re just as selfish as me. You want to be remembered and you want your Guardian here to be all powerful but we don’t work like that. Time is not linear. It’s brief and it’s quick and it’s over before you begin. And people will always choose the easiest paths. The comfortable. What they know. Thin love and a little poverty with a cold comfort.

⁃ I don’t think you really know people. I think people endure and grow and evolve.

⁃ Your vanity is showing…you have more of me in you than you realise. Hell is not a destination it’s here…demons are in you…heaven is just a warm memory…

I finished my drink…

-it’s always nice chatting…but we did make it. We did endure and we are still.

– I’m growing on you. You’re getting comfortable and alone. You don’t even see the changes. But I do.

I looked at Syl. She lit another cigarette. I looked back over and they all were gone. Per usual.

Sureness

Trust me
When I say
There will be things in life
You will be unsure of
Tax returns
Hummus
Avocados
Speed limits
Correct dates of Apts
The spelling of wed- whatever
But there are somethings
That you will NOT be unsure of
Love is one of them
What you bring to the table
Is one of them
You deserve

Chicken soup
On sick days
Massages
Sweaters
Dances in the kitchen
Showers together
Month long birthdays
And month long valentines
Sunday brunches
Christmas
Letters
Fresh flowers
Always
But uncertainty in love
And yourself
Is not one of them
So if they are uncertain
Just leave
Because you deserve sureness
You deserve
Everything you bring
And more
-Regardingsamuel.com

The discourse (seen in eden)

Oh where did the weather
Land on your houses?
Thousands of notes
photos
phones
Decades of social media
Heart ache
Alone
——-
Oh where did you rest
Vulnerability ?
Is there room here
At the table for
For empathy
Is there room now
For the divorced
The discourse
The poets
The love that miscarries
The sketches of little hearts
Broken by time
Mouths hungry for feeding
Hearts aching for connection
——
We have so much riding
on tomorrow
But no trust for today
Did you keep that knife
In your hand ,
Try so hard,
But we don’t understand
How is there courage
Without trust
Vulnerability
——
The arena of time
Your dreams cast down
On
Blood
And stone
——
Where did it come down
on your houses
Did you ever lose
Did you ever try
Did you ever meet someone
Beyond the masquerade
Who was real….
——
Oh where is your profit for your stone face
And cold hand
Where did the hard rain fall on your land
Where did the concrete touch your heartland
What moment did your childhood end
What moment did they pack your
Risk and your vulnerability and leave you a check…
——
We say we don’t care
We say we don’t feel
We say we move mountains
But we are not real
——
And in the morning
See the sun break through
see your love and loved
Move with grace and peace
And know we all struggle
We all have pain
We all come from nothing
And we can remain
We can reach across
Those walls
We can stand side by side
We can do more than live hard
We can love we can try
We can see we are in the arena
And the cheap seats
Are casting their own bets
But there is no courage there
There is no risk
We can be the moment
For what people can do
The love and vulnerability
The risk
The trust
To break these chains
To begin again
To begin again
——
There’s no use
To look back
All that won’t last has past
And all we have is time
All we have is time
Don’t think we have time
Let’s meet again
Beyond the
silhouetted masquerade
Cast away your perfect image
We can be real for just a moment
And trust what we must become
To be living…

-Regardingsamuel.com