Ethan: Sleeping on the couch so I can watch my buddy Simone. He’s not feeling well. Person: you have a kid? Person: a roommate? Ethan: no, Simon, my dog. Person: …. Ethan: We are best buds for life. What else am I supposed to do? He helps me eat pasta and cheesecake, and sandwiches wait, ohhh I think I know why you’re sick.
Simon: no it’s ok,it was the legos
Ethan: you didn’t eat LEGOs
Simon: the dog bones you hid for me?
Ethan: Ohhhhhh
Ethan: I think it was the trash you got in -Again
Simon: No I think it was the pretzels…
Ethan: …..
Ethan: hey France you want to watch a movie? It’s Richard Gere and Diane Lane
France: What the fluff is this? How about Chicago?
Ethan: Francis! Come here, you can’t run off like that.
Francis: No! I’m going to roll in this dirt.
Francis: Help I’ve fallen and can’t get up.
Ethan: Here let me help you,
Francis: Ha! I’ve hopped to this tree. You cannot touch me.
Ethan: (sigh) Francis, again, that’s, that’s not how you climb a tree…
Ethan: I need a vacation from my animals…
Simon: Vacation! Let’s go to the Cheesecake Factory!
Francis: No, I can’t have dairy…let’s go to the tuna factory!
Ethan: omg…guys! Let’s watch the lion king…I saw the play…it was great…we were in the balcony and all of these puppets go flying out around you …
Francis: Oh boy! Is it good? Is it like the cartoon?
Ethan: well, yeah, like the cartoon came out in the 90s I had the T-shirt and pajamas and the Broadway came out right after that I think…it follows the movie word by word …
Francis: yeah I don’t know, I’ve never seen the movie.
Francis: what’s to eat! I put my order in days ago. Who’s running this joint anyway. Ethan: Hey now, you big jerk… Simon: Hey I was thinking we could eat sandwiches. Pastas. Oh wait wait…pasta sandwiches… Ethan: (gags) it’s ok (gags again) how about a spinach salad…with salman…maybe- Simon: what’s a s-s-a-lad?? Ethan: ….it’s spinach and greens…with oil and vinegar…salt and pepper…don’t use ranch it ruins it…like axe body spray… Simon: I don’t get it? France: Yeah me either, with all the oil and vinegar? Where do you put the lasagna? Ethan: Great day, Simon, a salad is all the stuff you eat outside. And Francis, we are not having lasagna… Francis: ( big eyes) Ethan: we’re compromising for spaghetti and garlic toast… Simon: Yeahh Toast!
Francis: Hit me with the lasagnas. Simon: I call breadstix!
If you want to really know the difference between a cat and a dog. Adopt both.
Just close your eyes and get in there.
What’s the worst that could happen. It’s not like they’re going to be different… and if they are? It’s not going to be a big deal.
I’m lucky, France is very much like a dog. He wrestled with Simon, he lays around a lot…when it was just me and him for a few months, he was there every day. Checking on me to make sure I was still employed so I could buy him snacks
But there are differences,
When I go to bed
Simon is usually already asleep.
Under his blanket, and sheet, with his pillow, because he’s lame and spoiled.
France stops and looks in the door, I tell him goodnight, call him, he just sits there, I give up and say, “good night bud, let’s go to bed, or don’t, I don’t care, you’re a cat, do what you want.”
30 minutes later. When I’m drifting off to sleep? He jumps on the bed, “ I have decided! To ask about your day.”
Later, around 3 am he starts his olympics…jumping from the corners of the bed and launching into oblivion.
I get up around this time every day…Simon? He doesn’t start his day until 10:30 am every day. He doesn’t even say good bye anymore.
So there are big, tiny little differences.
Simons favourite food is sandwiches
Francis is convinced he enjoys coffee and alcohol. He’s probably a smoker too. But he’d never admit it to me.
Adopt a cat, adopt a dog. They’re good for you. You can walk one and stay healthy, outside.
While the other regularly criticises you on all the things you’re most sensitive about, which keeps your ego in check.
It’s a pretty good arrangement, Simon is down for whatever is the mood. Naps, movies, guitar, reading, walks.
Francis is very selective. He watches the X Files and documentaries.
Simon lives for meeting people and friends. He forgets no one.
Francis is selective, again reminding us that if you’ve met a cat and still don’t understand consent, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Will they help you write?
That remains to be seen.
Simon: Wait! you’re a writer?
Francis: I’ve never seen you write!
Ethan: I have a website
Francis: I thought that was just a really sad inspirational essays thing. (Waves paws) I didn’t know it was permanent.
Francis: ugh I knew this would happen. You lost your job didn’t you?
Ethan: No, I’m on vacation.
Francis: So I still get snax?
Ethan: Yeah, you still get snax.
Francis: What are you going to do on vacation?
Ethan: I’m going to look at self publishing. You know , I was hoping I guess, that some publisher would notice my blog and publish that, but I’m just going to go ahead and start taking the initiative.
Francis: (coughs) ugh…I mean I don’t know to tell you this…but sure…your inspirational poetry is kind of really dark and heavy…I’m sure someone will buy it.
Ethan: Ooof. Hey, look who shared my post on Instagram…
Ethan: Here taste this, tell me that’s not a good burger. Simon: Mmm that’s delifuss. Ethan: you ready for the kicker? Francis: Lay it on us. Ethan: it’s not a beef. It’s plant based. Francis: is it the mustard? It’s gotta be the mustard. Simon: Get outta here? That’s a plant? Simon: So how do we grow these?
Francis: I’m working on my Napper glider. Ethan: first, its a total gym. Second: you’re using it wrong. Francis: Sooo it’s a flubber buster? I feel healthy already.
