Irène

"feu dans le sang"

(Fire in the blood)

"l'attente est érotique"

(The wait is erotic)

I wonder what you wrote just for you?

Between the margins?

Inside your address book?

I wonder how your letters were?

How many did you throw away?

Did you have secret lines

Only one person would understand?

I just reached 30

You’re 39

I wish I could ask you how this goes

—-

where loss is

How it feels

Did you feel it coming?

Did you write regardless ?

—-

I feel this guilt, like acid in my chest,

When I think about the things I don’t say

I reserve the right to write whatever I want…

—-

Nothing is permanent

And I think about that heat

I think about that loss

Like words,forgotten unused…

How many did we lose?

—-

I pour her tea

She writes on the sides of the pages of her journal

She has a novel she’s working on

She doesn’t think she’ll finish it

We can hear them coming

And it occurs to us

You can hear and feel

Life around you this

Absurd chess game we try so hard at

love coming

storms coming

These boots coming

She won’t finish this novel…

She’s 39

feu dans le sang

I drink my tea

She’s here for a moment

I close my eyes

And

She’s gone

Like so many things

Blown away by a storm

The sun comes out

And I wonder

If we missed her,

I wonder how many more like her

We lost…

Quotes from

Irène Némirovsky

Bleeding Ink (drowning)

This room slowly fills with water

I’m adrift

Not at peace

Just adrift

Hollowed gray

My insides have long burned out

As have my eyes

I listen to the words in my head

The birds of prey

Fall from this night sky

—-

Similar

(Whispers)

(Voices)

Echoes

From outside the door

I can feel myself

Getting bad again

I am becoming

The me

That you never

knew

He hasn’t been around much

I am trying

Against all pain

The room drowns out

All the daylight

I keep giving away …

Giving away

I’m going away

(I’ll never say)

(Hiding)

It’s all so clear

The room disappears

—-

And all the time

Falls from the clock in the kitchen

Where we hid our weapons

Even you

Can use

And

I won’t confess

It’s a drowning

I’ll write no words

All this time

All this time…

While the words remain

Why is there no happiness …

I’ve only found true happiness

While writing.

Take me away

With your x-ray eyes

Tonight

Don’t look away

Out of the moon

I heard

The devil say

—-

Don’t lock me away tonight

Paths of destruction

We need a revolution

Dylan said a hard rain’s gonna fall

Why is there no happiness

Why is time a sleeper

When our soul’s on fire

Hearts desire

There’s no answer

And the words remain the same

We can walk these streets

All night

The words

Remain

The same

Bleeding ink #1,368

The sky is white

But you can taste the darkness inside

This hollow

This void

These eyes have been empty for sometime ——

These weapons

These sharp objects

Too too many

That we hide behind —-

Let this go

This hurt

Let this go

This pain

Let this go

Gently ——

Like the leaves

With their colours

The trees

Lose their leaves

The ocean with it’s tide

It always comes back in

The sunrise

Gives way for the

sunset

The moon

For the sunrise

We have to let go of things gently ——

We are meant to walk together

To love

But go boldly

Go strongly

And let go

Of things gently

So they can come back to you

Writers Log #22

I’m currently

Spending the week

In a quiet retreat

To write and study Master Class.

I’m hoping to put some really new thoughts

Down…

We will see…

—-

I don’t think I’m going to ask anything of 2020

I don’t want to make a list against myself or God or the universe…

I’m going to keep the same goals

The details

The consistency

Less processed foods

Less drinking

Gym

Water

Meditate

It’s in the details….

I’ve been writing more

And I’m getting a book published

So I’m working on more manuscripts

I’ve been learning music

So I will probably stay with that…

I’m not going to tell you what to do…

But if you’re not going to give yourself your best

What’s the point

Why love everyone else more

Or expect anything from a year

Or prime ….

Keep it together

And see where you are

How far you’ve come

It might feel the same

But when you look back

You ran it well

Shine a light

It’s the universe pulling you together

It’s there in the growing

You know, you’re going to be fine.

What else is there?