Fire Hydrants 

I was thinking about fire hydrants the other day. I keep seeing them on the back of trucks, parked on the side of the road. And in every colour.  Like a big box of crayon tops. Reds and  blacks, greys and blues. I always thought they were just red. 

I never realised there was such a market for fire hydrants. I didn’t. But after seeing these trucks I realised…against my childhood dreams…I would not be a good politician or city employee.  

Who thinks about replacing fire hydrants?  

“Well, we put those in after the burning of San Francisco in 1906 …they’re paid for. Why would we need to replace them.” 

But then you have the county and the rural roads….

“That’s what water hoses and ponds are for.” 

I’m just glad someone thinks about those kinds of things… 

 The Burn 

I feel like purgatory is just public service. 

Repeat the same day over and over again …

Screaming children chewing on things and pitching  fits in the floor…

Random adults demanding that you carry things you would never even have in your business…

Transmissions 

Tires 

Flu shots 

Pamphlets for herbal remedies against vaccinations. 

And until you make it through a day without a single negative thought…

You have to repeat the same day . Exactly. 

Hell would be the same. With the exception of the escape route;

Your day just gets longer and longer. You know, that last fifteen minutes that seems like two hours…only it takes an eternity. 

I wish I was making this up

I love my wife.So I recently got one of those Victoria’s Secret credit cards. But they don’t call them that. They call them Angel cards. To make you feel special. Like a rare unicorn. 

I got the card. I don’t know, I haven’t even used it. I always get L gift cards… A hundred dollars or so…they have those nice pajama pants and robes…kimonos…

We really are that easy , just wear it with nothing else. Seriously. 

 I’m pretty sure I’m the only guy with an angel card and here’s why;
I called to activate the card. The guy starts talking on the other side…and when he hears my name…he’s surprised…and he actually almost laughed. Saying “ohhh..ok…so…how’s the weather over there today?”

And I wanted to say. “Ok dude. I’m not some pervert. I’m not going to max out this card and wear an entire catalogue or anything around my house. I’m using this to buy gifts for my wife…

But I didn’t say anything I just let the guy almost laugh to himself. I figured he deserved this moment. 

The bed 
Since I’ve been sharing a bed with a woman. I can tell you. We are all pretty much like tall 12 year olds.We still fight sleep. Just in different ways. Apparently I start making moves on L and she gets pretty annoyed and is like “I’m reading.” So I just set my head on her breasts and she plays  with my hair. And seven seconds later I’m asleep. 

The next morning she is a little annoyed. Because apparently I was just fighting sleep.

I remember when we first started seeing each other. I was like in this old horrible bed. I’m pretty sure Joan of Arc slept in it. Our feet could touch the bottom and it creaked every time you turned over…so you never could actually reach a deep sleep. It was just maybe a full size bed. And then I got this queen size bed. And it was huge. And new. We just laid there in it. Thinking “man…this thing is so much better than that old bed.”

The first time L saw it… She tried to jump up in it but couldn’t and just laid against it and said “how am I supposed to get in this thing?” 

Later on vacation,we stayed in a hotel and they had a KING. It was like a bed inside a bed. There was so much space. We didn’t touch each other. There were moments I forgot she was there. I would turn  over just to look for her. Make sure I did in fact bring her with me. And we both were like…” We’ve got to upgrade to one of these.” 

I’m pretty sure whoever invented the KING was either a king with many women. A recluse with lots of cats, or someone inside an 18 year marriage or on their 4th child. 

I’m only guessing but I assume at some point they are just like “I don’t want to know you’re here or feel you next to me. I don’t care what you’re doing…I’m in my kingdom right here. This is my part of the castle …

A couple could have two television sets at the foot of a king and it wouldn’t even matter. 
The salesman who sold me the queen said he would see me after a few years for a king. Once he went king he never went back. His wife was sitting all the way across the furniture store reading a paper. 

And that’s how I know all of this is true. 

 

The one about air filters

   
  I thought I had Strep for a day or so. Turns out it was only a sinus infection. Which also makes a person look high all the time but without smelling like Colorado.

We have this crazy efficient air purifier. I used to not have issues with anything. But then we got the purifier and I guess it just makes a person weak. Thanks purifier for making awesome air.The filter needed to be changed…I didn’t notice in time. So it quit working. 

But my body noticed and Simon noticed. He’s walking around sneezing like “Dad, is there a dog in this house, I’m allergic to dogs.” 

It’s a real problem. 

We also have this great organic peppermint body wash.No sulfates, yadda yadda. It really opens your sinuses. So I poured some in a steaming (boiling it was boiling) bowl of water and steamed my face under a towel. Simon comes up and just sticks his head under the towel too and sits down beside me,sniffing the steam like “yeah,this is the stuff. I can breathe again.” 

The wash is really great though. I wish I could remember the name of it. You can clean your body, your clothes, you can use it for toothpaste, although it is not recommended. 50/50 in water and it kills bugs safely in your kitchen. 

The first time we used it. The peppermint was so cold it burned. Which is not the kind of shower your genitals hoped for.  I dreamed I used it as shampoo and all my hair fell out. . . 

My wife says it wasn’t this bad. I say, yeah, neither is a Hot tub filled with salt water. But put a guy in there that just shaved down under, He’s probably going to have a different experience. And I know  we all shave down there too. 

But women are built like the presidents bunker. You can take a pounding. Unless all the blood has went to my “head” You start pounding me like that…I’m gonna black out,vomit and die.

Needless to say. The idea to steam my face with this wash,was not my first idea. It was my wife’s. And ultimately, the desire to breathe won out.

You put the Fun in Comedy 

We all like comedies,right? 

Of course you do. 

Even Dick Wolf probably likes them. 

But 

You know,

Like life 

they sometimes fall apart for the second half…

Brad Pitt is a fun guy   

 
George Clooney is ok too.

It’s all just a mid life crisis. Right? 

And then things get weird. 

Not unlike life.

But I  think I’ve figured it out.

Some college genius was like 

“Hey,you realize everyone is going to be getting laid by this point of the film, right? We could literally throw in anything we want and no one will be the wiser. Hahaha.”

Which makes you reconsider every movie you’ve ever watched. All the sex that probably happened all over the world. And then you. Sitting there wondering what the hell you’re even watching.

Either that…or LSD happened.

Because now, they’ve got the nice Cat Lady getting axe murdered in her suburban street. In the afternoon. Which has caused me to hold my pet closer. 

A couple more murders by gunshot to the face...

A random sex fetish/addiction involving machines…. I bet some first dates  just got awkwardly silent. While someone thought…”Man,sobriety sucks.”

But hey, you know what?

It’s ok. 

Because at the end of the day…We’re the comedy.

Everyone is in some kind of interview for sex. Or sparking things up.  Reconnecting. That’s a date. It doesn’t matter if you’re at a club or at home. 

And if you’re married with children…it’s shopping together 5 minutes before closing…without the kids. “you want to try the hummus? Let’s be adventurous.No dear, read the label. We have two minutes.”

Because at most of the points,if you’re like me.You’re just going to bed at 9pm. Convincing yourself that you’re  still dangerous…but reminding yourself to take a Tums because Chinese. Ibuprofen,  because if you stay on your side too long your hip wakes you up. And even though you know this, you can’t help it because you’re asleep. 

Now pass me my mimosa, I can’t drink Vodka anymore.

 

I’m Serious

We recently went to Mississippi, and by ‘we’ I mean my lover and I. More formally known as wife,best friend,partner in Netflix binges,fellow dog walker,and sometimes, partner in dog hair removal from chairs.

Mississippi is the deadest state. There’s nothing there, nothing. Just Family Dollar and a couple of Wendy’s, and not even the good ones. More like the ones that all the left over food got recalled to. It’s so poor even Walmart won’t touch it. 

But they have these great casinos. And that’s why we went. For the casinos, just in case you were thinking it was the Family Dollars.

Casinos are filled with retired people. Really really retired people. People that retired from retirement. They expect these people. I can say this because when you go to the bathroom, they have sharp boxes on the walls, you know, to throw your Insulin needles in. I really,really hope that’s what they are being used for…because otherwise,Heroin.

 I kind of felt like I was in a Stephen King novel because they never close. You wander down the stairs in the middle of the night,there are all these lights and smoke and this machine is still going like Gatsby…only everyone is old and drinking and the drinks are free but they’re refusing to tip the waitress. Suddenly you realize you’re possibly in the Shining.

On our journey back, we started to almost miss Alabama. Because there’s nothing in Mississippi. Absolutely NOTHING. Until we stopped at a lone O’Charley’s and I saw on the menu,on this blessed Sunday, the words …”try our weekend Mimosa for brunch.”

And that’s when I looked at our waitress and asked “excuse me, I can order alcohol on a Sunday?”and she looked at me and went “pff” just like that, “pfff of course,where do you think you are?” and I thought, I don’t know, Alabama, where you have to seek out Sunday beverages like the Holy Grail.
The state with the least amount of anything has the least restrictions on alcohol.I don’t know why,perhaps it’s because everyone is depressed over Wendy’s and their three bean chili. I didn’t ask.

But I was astounded and delighted. So I ordered a Mimosa,because it was made of my favorite things, champagne and champagne.

I did not know 
They bring these out  in a very feminine glass …

I’m drinking it when I notice this older guy down the aisle,you know, a couple of booths away. 

Glaring at me and my feminine glass. 
And I glare right back. 

And ordering another Mimosa I notice…

…he’s eating a salad…and reaching under the table. Before every bite, he reaches between his legs where, interestingly enough, he has brought his very own personal plastic bag of nuts. For his salad.
 

Now, this would be ok …IF he was simply dumping them ON THE SALAD.

 But no. 

He is reaching and picking. Sprinkling for each bite. 
I almost laughed. Thinking, “you’re glaring over at me with my feminine glass of champagne and OJ while you reach between your legs for nuts to top your salad. Sir, I am not the most interesting thing happening in this restaurant right now. That would be the Ziplock of personal nuts between your legs. Maybe.”

  

The Mexican ( and other stories)

1

So I’m pretty sure my Dog is a racist. Either that or he has been watching far too much Fox News or Facebook. Gosh dang it, he’s probably a Republican too. 

If you’re new here. Understand. I live in the south. You know, the ones offended by all the things. 

I’m only writing to help you escape. It’s ok to laugh. Anything else gives you cancer. Or something worse,hemorrhoids. And neither of those are good for your sex life…Always feeling like you have to go to the bathroom. Nauseous from your chemo. It’s just really difficult to stay in the moment. Or so I’m told. 

Hey, if you live long enough. You don’t have to have sex anyway. You’re back to just living for Saturday cartoons. But you’re older now, so you call them Fox News and Republicans. Or just those people on Facebook. 

See what I did there?

Anyway, my dog. 

The fierce protector. 

I was letting him use the bathroom and it was late at night. A little bit of rain going on. He always has to go in the tall tall grass where no one can see that he too has to take a dump. He always pops his head up so he can see that I’m still there though. Because, he’s a fierce protector. 

His bark is scary. I’ve learned this from all the barking moments at 2am. And he’s a fierce protector, because he stays under the blankets while barking. Never having actually left the bed. 

But the racism was new to me. 

It was dark and raining. And he was in the grass doing his thing. 

And I looked over and saw this Hispanic walking up with a hoodie (you see where this is going) and he had his ear buds in listening to his tunes. And I thought, oh Crap. 

Simon’s head pops up looking for me. And he sees this guy walk right passed us…and tears out of the grass, razor back fur… Barking and whaling…

The guy just freezes mid walk.

And our fierce protector runs…not towards this guy. But passed him. And straight for the apartment. Screaming like “Mexican. Hoodie!! Run!!! Dad run!!”

I’m standing  there just staring. The guy shrugs his shoulders and actually shakes his head because my dog is too chicken and afraid of the dark to actually do anything. He starts walking again. And Simon looks over his shoulder, realizes I’m not panicking like him. And skids against the door circles around and runs back,still howling. 

I was so mad. I mean thanks for all the protection,bud. 

2

I’m going to be 27 this year. I actually remember the first time I used the Google. I was so amazed. I just sat there and tried to think of what to search for. So I typed in cars. And then I was at a friend’s house and he accidentally showed me porn hidden in his minimized screen and I never searched for anything else again.

No. 

I actually continued thinking of things throughout the week to search for at the library. Because one, I was that kid and two we didn’t have the Internet. 

Yeah, Cell phones  were flip phones with green screens. And Facebook wasn’t here yet. And when it did hit, man, only college kids could use it . And they changed that…and then they had that clever “what’s on your mind or how are you feeling? ” And everyone had some funny status just hanging like a banner at the top of their page.

“Nothing” 

This showed how smart we were. And China and Japan how comfortable we were with computers. 

But it’s amazing how much it’s grown.Have you seen people’s status’ this year?? 

I wish I could see some more  witty and emboldened “nothing Facebook stop asking.” 

 I’ve always written and even built this site from my phone. 

It was difficult and I was sometimes encouraged by the champagne. 

Tumblr was an event . Before it was cool, whilst it was cool and had its secret code language like wind talkers to tell people you were on there. And then it faded a bit. 

I was homeschooled,man. 

But with social media like that ?

You met cool kids all over the world. 

And even the tamest coolest and lamest got scared and worried or infuriated about the same things as you. 

And everyone all over the world got super horny  and weird every Friday. Everyone. And then tumblr was like, ” we should probably  add some firewalls or something” But the cool thing was , everyone voiced and debated and it was safe. So you learned and you were like “holy shit this rape thing is a big problem. Gays should be able to just get married. We should talk about this.” 

And then you walked outside and remembered you lived in America and we’re still uncomfortable with the fact that women masturbate and enjoy sex …we use it to sell things  but we will not talk about it. Pass laws,yes, take away birth control, hell to the yeah, I mean everyone thought that if it was rape the body just shut that down. Or …that it was ok because you were there. And if you show up?? You had to be ok with it. Or whatever happens in a marriage bed is ok. 

By everyone I mean, all the men. 

No one really said 

Hey, if she isn’t having fun. It’s not ok. 

Or if she isn’t in the mood, it’s not ok. 

Or if she changes her mind, It’s not ok. 

Or hey,it’s actually not supposed to hurt your first time. If it does, they’re going too fast and need to slow down until you’re really turned on. 

We’ve come a long way 

And I feel incredibly old 

And now 

That I’m older and funnier 

And actually cool 

My wife has reminded me…. Another perspective 

We still need to be talking about things. 

About what we like. About our expectations when we get older. About the fact that when I walk our racist hilarious dog. I’m just walking a dog and people wave. 

When she walks him,she has to wear earbuds and music so she doesn’t hear the dumbasses cat calling and blowing their horns. 

And we’re taught to expect this. 

A lot of rapes are happening inside marriages.

and that’s not ok. These are things that are not ok. And we should just keep our hands off women’s rights already. We will never as men understand their walk. Not fully. We should protect and fight for and beside them if anything. But leave their healthcare alone. And their rights alone. 

Moving on 

My dog is still afraid of milk bones. He also loves butterflies…and smelling flowers. Dirty Dancing and Gilmore Girls. 

But he did throw up on a brand new rug…so there’s that.  

And we’re working on the racist thing.

 

The one about Shrinks I mean Sinks.

Recently I had a mammoth sized clog in my kitchen sink. And by recently I mean – today – like, two hours ago. Actually, I am fairly certain the clog is still there. 

Because I didn’t manage to get the thing. 

And here is why

Usually I call maintenance to come fix things. Because it is their job and I don’t live in a home. So why would I try to break it further. 

But this was just a clog,right?

I got this. 

I was going to be cleaning. And I really really do mean clean. Not the other kind of clean, which ends with Meth. No matter how many chemicals you read from here on. 

Only I noticed both kitchen sinks were blocked up. And had standing water. So I went and got some liquid Plummer. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do. 

Only it didn’t work. 

So I got more. 

And when that didn’t work.

I remembered seeing someone plunge a sink in an old movie once…

Now, you know how sometimes you see things and think…I bet that’s not so bad. Or  I could handle that. 

Well. It is so bad and you can’t handle it. 

My sink is a double sided Joan of Arc. She has more chemical stains than the Original CSI Lab Room. 

And that was before what’s about to happen happened.

I managed to plunge it until I heard the water go down. And I let myself get really excited. Mistake number Uno. Because when I looked over I saw that all the water from the side I was plunging had migrated to the other side of the sink. Like, I hadn’t seen syphining like this since my dad showed us how to steal gasoline out of his old junk cars… I’m still not sure why we had to learn that actually. But I remember it involved putting your mouth on gasoline and I was not into it. 

My sink on the other hand ….

Luckily, I got another idea. I plunged the opposite now full side. Which totally did nothing. The water just moved from sink to sink. Like I was the missing fourth stooge. 

I’m all out of fucks at this point. I just plunge it out of one side and pour the powder Drano down the empty side. 

Do not pour the powder Drano. It mixes with the liquid and you have a gas storm that burns all of your senses. 

I took the plunge out. 

Water starts going out of the sink. I had finally ….what the ??? …

The water was pouring out from under the sink. The pipe came off the bottom of the sink and flooded both sinkfulls of water and now mixed Drano all into the cabinet and floor. 

Good thing no one ever keeps anything under their sink…

Like, dish washer pods. Or trash bags. 

I just stood there. Water running into my shoes and under the fridge. I looked over to my dog Simon for support. Just in time to see him turn running into the bedroom as if to say, you’re on your own dad.

Many small passing minutes later and a lot of burning skin. 

I had all of the drying done. One broke sink with a remaining clog. 

I have no idea how  but the funny thing is. The whole time I was working on this…I kept thinking man you’ve got to hurry so you can write this down. 

So I hurried and called maintenance and asked them to come by in the morning and apologised for trying my best.

Then I took a nap and a really long shower.  

 

Sleeping Beauty talked in her sleep

   

Young love is great,everyday is national lipstick day…

  And you get to wake up the woman of your dreams….

Before I make you sick from cliche’s I’ll change the subject. 

My other half talks in her sleep. She’s a deep sleeper. I would say it is because of night shift. But I knew her when we were teenagers. Young and unafraid. She slept the same back then.

“Back then” doesn’t seem that far. But we had flip phones,toms was just coming out, and kids born in 2000 couldn’t drive yet. So I guess it was maybe just a minute ago. 

She’s always said funny things awake…

“That is mahogany!”

“What’s up nerd”

“Being a reindeer is ok, excluding and bullying other reindeer because he has a shiny red nose is NOT ok.”

“Can you do it with no hands?”

“Cotton candy? Mhhmm where did you meet this stripper?”

“Whatever, I know about you and all your whores”

But asleep…

Or waking up…

She is just too much 

I tell her I have to go to work …

I kiss her 

And she looks at me 

And says 

“No no they’re all dead.”

“She needs to get a home kit, then she can de-lice at home like everybody else.”

And then there was that one time 

I woke her up 

And she struck me 

And said 

“Don’t touch me.”

But she denies that ever happened.

I stand on the fact that I was awake 

And she was asleep ….

But like Atwood said…

in the end

We all become stories.

So just remember 

The next time you’re watching or reading fairy tales…

All was not quiet while the castle slept…

Sleeping Beauty was most likely talking in her sleep. . .

There’s water in the sky

  

So 

Today a funny noise woke me up and I thought oh crap no it may be Simon eating plastic – again. So I jumped or fell out of bed, only to find him sitting in the middle of the floor, staring at the ceiling. 

As a waterfall came down like rain from the apartment above making a small pond beside him. 

It was getting all in our Christmas decorations. (Hence the plastic noise) so I made the appropriate phone calls…and finally grabbed a chair and got the boxes down, drenched now in strange water (Simon still sitting,still watching) I dumped them in the floor and set the boxes out to catch the fall…only the water was getting worse….

Sometimes I get angry…this was one of those times…it’s like waiting for a comet. Doesn’t happen often but it does happen. I knew I shouldn’t be, mostly because,I used to live upstairs, and I was that guy,the guy you don’t want living above you, I flooded people all the time…dish washing accidents…etc etc. 

but still

Who could not be aware of THIS MUCH WATER?

I was set to knock on some doors. I knew it was very 80’s 90’s whatever. Who does the direct approach anymore? As far as Simon was concerned, we were the only people living in this building. 

And after 5 years ? I myself have only seen three. Maybe someone died. Maybe they were there in the shower….

I left to kick in some doors 

Barefoot, wet, and shirtless. 

And slightly mad. 

 There was a waterfall  coming down the stairs outside. 

I was sure this must have happened before. But I met the maintenance guy in the hall. And the look on his face told me. No. 

You know how sometimes your shower floods or your washing machine and you don’t know about it until you walk in the room? 

This was one of those times for the woman inside…

She opened the door and saw maintenance guys face 

Me shirtless 

And then looking down saw the water running out her door. And I’ll never forget it….put her hands to her face and said “howwwww??”

And maintenance guy stepped in the door and said 

“That’s what I’m here to find out.”

Later

After I cleaned up everything and took a shower in my own clean water. I walked outside to go to work. And it started raining. Because when there is something above you?

Karma 

A ceiling that’s also a floor or a sky that looks a lot like an ocean….there’s also water.