New York (2013)

When you think of New York

You don’t think of buildings

Or population

Of the weather …

The smell of asphalt

Wet and burning

Which makes the people

Feel more like

Rodents running


You think of


At least I did
I was telling my sister,Jo 

This at her bar

I great little place

A hole in the wall

I love coming here to relax

play piano at the window

Watching all the people

Moving in and out
She just looked at me

With that expression

And then said

“That’s a whole lot of hyperbole

My bar is getting taxed to death

I can’t pay rent for my apartment

So I’m staying here now …

There’s something to write about.”

Then she stopped and shaking her head poured me a drink.

“Vodka, make sure that’s vodka”

I said pointing (she hates people pointing)

“Don’t give me Rum like last time

I almost died …I could see the world just beginning

As I was falling out …I think that’s actually a quote…maybe?”

I was only giving her a hard time
“It’s vodka” she said dryly

Shooting it down the bar
I always admired her talent
“What’s really bothering you?”

I asked as seriously as I could
She just looked at me

So I went to the piano

And stopped


On the seat

Was a box

Macadamias …
Jo shouted from the bar

“Hey, Annabel came by

she had been baking…again.

She said you seemed upset

So she brought



Was great

The baker and holiday


A great friend

To have in This massive city


it’s where her degree

Brought her

And everybody loves

A getting pulling up their roots

I sat down at the piano

Shaking the rain out of my scarf

Watching the people outside

Shuffling in all their hurry

I began playing my favourite

melody for rain


Prelude in E minor
Counting the colours of scarfs

And shoots of red hair

Poking out from hats

I wondered if anyone

Ever regretted moving here?

You can’t always go backwards

Even something like this

Can sometimes

Leave you isolated

I needed to start writing

I needed to do something

But instead

I stayed

And I played

Until my sleeves

We’re rolled to elbows

My jacket on the familiar floor

And I was on Prelude D flat

“Rain drop”

As the night shuffled in …

Down the alleys

And the corners

And the rain

Long had given over

To snow


Chapter 2

“I don’t know…”
Sara was staring straight ahead with her camera …taking shots of old people in the park

And animals …

Her flaming red hair spraying out

From her hoodie

I looked at her for a second

Shaking my head I asked again

“Are you really ok?”

“No…we were together for 7 years

And then he just left…

I don’t know if I can do this again…”

She was always the strong one

In the group

Her British accent

Tattoos and camera

She seemed untouchable

Until she started dating again

And then reverted back to

This …person…

Who couldn’t make a decision

But in her defence

Her previous relationship

Had been something else

“Jared looked at me like he didn’t know me …and then he just left…”

She took a shot of an old couple asleep on a bench ….
I sighed …

“Well,you can’t stay in bed all the time…you have to get out more …

Turn these pictures in…”

I kicked the curb ….sending pigeons flying around in a panick

You turn in your manuscript??”

She was genuinely concerned

“No…I can’t finish it…”

“Are you still seeing Laura?”

“Yeah,but I don’t know…I think so…she’s a screenwriter …I mean we essentially do the same thing …and I don’t know…it seems to be going well…”

“I think I’m a lesbian…”

I stopped …

“What? I helped you pack when Eric cheated on you…you just got through telling me about Jared having a hard time because…”

She laughed

“I know I know…but I don’t know how to be myself in a relationship…

But with women …I can do that…it’s very freeing…I can breathe …”
“Well,I’m not telling Jared..”

“Neither am I …I’ll just let it run its course..”
“You are insane…a mad woman.”
“Maybe but at least I’m not afraid to turn my manuscripts in or ask a girl to marry me”
I grabbed her camera and shot a bar across the street

“That’s just unnecessary cruelty …I’m not getting married anyway…

You need to talk to Jared

He needs to understand what’s going on he fell in love with

A strong woman who made decisions

And now you’re afraid of upsetting him …you have to talk to him about

What’s going on .”
She stopped, setting the camera down

She started to cry …

In 5 years I had never seen Sara cry

So I just held her

And said nothing
chapter 3
Right here

At thanksgiving

It’s freezing

And all I want is my muffin

That’s it

But a hand flashes in front of

My face

And takes it from me


It’s Rachael

jumping ahead of me

With my muffin

All full of energy

She owns her own

Gym and nutrition place

Or thing

It’s very foreign to me

“If you want it

You have to work for it

Come on!”

She’s laughing and running ahead of me – backwards…

“Dammit…” I breathed

“Shhhhit! Come on it’s negative 20 out here ! if I move I’m going to tear something I much rather prefer

Slowly freezing with my muffin.

It’s more acceptable than breaking

Like porcelain ….”

She pouted,her nose crinkling

With disappointment

“Oh fine Achilles …have your muffin

You are quite the warrior”
“I’m not laughing,I’m not laughing…

I’m ready to get to the bar so we can eat Annabel’s food and wrap things

Can we do that? Let’s do that.

No one dies from death temps

And exposure.”
“Oh christmas it’s overrated

I hate the cold but I still run

I make this body what it is.”
She was messing with me
“Listen you communist,I love Christmas and muffins

And fires

I like the cold

I just happen to be aware

Of when my blood is

Frozen,congealed and killing me. Where’s your american spirit?

This is a time for sleeping

And getting fat

Not running and health.

Indulgence! Dammit.

That’s euphoria!”
“Yeah,sounds like diabetes

and no sex to me..I don’t like it”

She laughed and ran

inside Jo’s bar …

I sighed,

“Jesus I need to find some dudes to start hanging out with…”

Chapter 4
The mop splashes across the blood. Mister Sing, slowly moves it around in circular motions left to right. “Does this happen often”, I ask. “Oh yes”, he pauses for just a moment…picking something off of the floor. “Ah! the finger!” He presents it to me on a foam tray, with a grin. “Maybe Allen used to be a ten but he’s just a nine and three quarters,today.”
He continues mopping while talking he’s a good one…I’ve always enjoyed just hanging out and listening to him tell his stories about working with people. His family started the business in the 30’s so he never runs out of them.the stories I mean.
“Butchers are always cutting off limbs.But one time,I had a customer just fall out in the floor reaching for eggs. Just filleted her leg open on a basket. Blood was everywhere. Asked her if she was on any medicine…she said. ‘Oh no! no! Just blood thinner!’ I had to wrap it myself until the ambulance got here.” The floor is clean. You wouldn’t know there was a finger or blood or a screaming Allen fifteen minutes ago.Kicking a trash can in the back of the store…holding his hand between his legs. “I tried to get Allen out here” – Mister Sing continues – “but he took one look at all that blood and walked outside until she was gone.”
Mister Sing hands me a brown bag over the counter. ” Here’s your ground chuck,and fingerless at that! He says laughing and shaking his head. I put some bbq in there also…trust me…(he spreads his hands for emphasis) you’re going to want in on that…goes on everything…put it on a salad…and it turns into meat. Ho-Hey!.” He laughs.

Chapter 5


It’s said

Always want one thing

We want to be heard

We want to be seen

We want to be understood
we say we feel things


We see things differently

Things coming together

Just to come apart

Like entropy

The only difference

Between us

And everyone else

Is that we not only see it

We feel it ….

And we are jaded

Sometimes before it even

A stair case

A closed door

Snow coming through the window

Paint chipping on the walls

You see it all

But you’re outside

Standing with

Sara telling you to go

Take a chance on


Even after your fight

Your drop down drag out

God Laura …

Her blonde hair

Pulled back

Her hoodies

And loose clothes

Her violent schedule

Working with

Local theaters

And dance studios

And writing her


You could see the

Scars along the inside

Of her arms …

The first time we slept


She was nervous

It was like a map for me …

Pieces of doors and windows

That only she could open

If she wanted to

Tell the stories

Behind them

Standing at the balcony with our drinks 

Laura pointed to the 

apartment across the street 

“I’ve always loved her window..she keeps lights in it all year ’round…not just on’s nice you know?.”

“Every night is like New Years then?” “Exactly…the possibility of beginning all over again in the morning.”

She smiled-covering her face with her hand.”it’s ridiculous, I know.” But I didn’t think so at all. And I told her just that.

We stood in her theatre work shops 

And she wrote letters on the backs of photographs 

Sliding them across to me 
But the staircase

And that door

My heart didn’t feel right

There was an echo to its beat

As I walked in

The fan (spinning lazily with a slant)

The heater (burning)

I could hear the shower

On the other side of the door

I opened it…
Doors like boxes

And safes

Hide things

But it’s really just a psychological

Thing because we have the ability

To look inside them

there are always secrets

There will always be secrets

Your father wasn’t the guy

You thought he was

Your wife is a lesbian

Your boss is actually into

Hard core porn

And Heroin ….

Secrets are little rooms

That we have a hard time


But when it opens

It’s open

And all you can do

Is read it

Even though

It sometimes

More often than not

Is like the aftermath of a storm …
the shower (steam and water hissing)

The mirror (fogged over)

The curtain (torn from its hangers)

And Laura …

on the floor (facedown)


Trapped between the toilet and the sink

She’d suffocated from a seizure ….

No one there to help
It’s been said that artist

Always want one thing …

Sometimes all you have is

The need to be seen

I guess that’s what we have

In common

That need …

Artist just say it louder

We feel it

Maybe or

Maybe we keep it in….

like Laura

Who never told me about

Her epilepsy

It’s just a room

Waiting on the

Courage it takes

You to open it

With files and folders

we foolishly think only

We can read

but it’s there
It’s not a door

It’s our lives

It’s a window

And everyone is looking

And no one at all

Chapter 6
Did you know,that in WWII…Hitler wanted his generals to burn down Paris …but they looked at the city…and they just couldn’t….the idea of saving it ‘s historic pieces …was to great.To be able to look at them…years later…and know…’I could have destroyed that…but I chose to save it instead.’
Too bad they couldn’t all feel the same about saving a race of people ….
I’m sorry I’m rambling again 
I was just looking at a photo Sara took…it’s hanging above her couch…Her place is small,but nice.’efficient’ is the term she uses.Doesn’t believe in wasting space. 
She walks out of her room, red hair,pulled back into a messy bun.Hands me a large Yellow envelope….and just stairs at me with her big green eyes. 
“Take it…it’s nothing…I just thought you might want them.”
I tear open the corner 
And there they are
Black and white images 
Of Laura, working on stage…directing actors….Laura …sitting in a window…looking out at the people of New York 
My chest feels heavy….
“When did you take these??”
I ask 
Sara just shrugs and pours some coffee 
“A few months before the accident…how are things with you? We haven’t exactly heard from you and it’s been a while since I see you around.”
She sat down on the floor beside the window ,crossing her legs…lighting a cigarette.
“I’m ok.i took a journalism internship…but i had to go to Louisiana… Just a bunch of old jobs …stories on culture…things like that.”
“Sounds good”
“It was…I really needed to get away,ya know?”
“Yeah….I can’t really take much photographs anymore…I have this thing with my eyes…I just can’t see.”
“What?,why didn’t you say anything? Have you had it checked out?”
“No,no,I don’t have to…it’s genetic …I know how this works.”
She shrugged and got up,crossing the floor.
“Sara,look,I’m sorry…I know I haven’t been around…I left real,real fast.and I’m sorry. But…I had to….I just want to be a good writer…I want to write something that matters…something good.and I’m really sorry,you should have been able to reach me.”
She turned around and looked at me.
I kind of felt sick then 
Because I realised 
Everyone is older now 
and some of us are dead 
Some of us are going blind 
And for me 
The world just kind of felt numb 
And I just kind felt stuck 
And I felt real selfish
And ashamed 
“You could always tell me anything, didn’t have to leave like that….and all of us had plans…I don’t know what I’m going to do…I have seen wonderful things …I regret nothing…I don’t have to see anything else.especially if i have you two.” 
Sara looked out the window 
And I realised just then 
How there’s so many people in New York 
But yet 
We still have only a few 
And we still feel alone sometimes 
And if we are lucky to have these few …who stay close …we should definitely keep them.

And I knew we would make it. I knew we would be ok. What else is there?


Beagle in the City #14

Simon: Hey dad. What are you doing?

Ethan: Writing a letter for mom. 

Simon: (((sighs)) I miss her so much. 

Ethan: Me too,buddy. 

Simon: I like our pack. We have a good pack. 

Ethan: it’s only cool because mom is in it. Trust me. 

Simon: is it true that you couldn’t cook before mom?

Ethan: well, I burned things. But only difficult things. Like pizza and popcorn, a lot of water. 

Simon : When does she come home?

Ethan: in  just a few hours 

Simon: Oh that’s sooo many days. 

Ethan: I know, buddy. 

Beagle in the City #13

Simon : it was a dark and stormy night…

Ethan: Be still.

Simon: shh dad…I feel  art coming on…

Ethan: Simon what are you doing?   
Simon:  (((sighs)))

Simon: my bowl, it’s empty…surely I will never eat again!

Ethan: good job. We’re having spaghetti. 

Simon: it looks likes worms…

Ethan: well, it’s a good thing you’re not eating then. 

Simon: I don’t want any, I’ve had that meal before. 

Ethan: you need to stop hanging out with the cat. 

Simon: Hey! Where’s your yellow sock?

Ethan: I don’t know…why?

Simon: ok I’m just making sure you still haven’t found it. 

Ethan: hey! Wait a minute !

Simon: Skills dad. I’ve gotta keep them sharp. 

Beagle in the City #12

Simon: What’s in the box!

Ethan: a typewriter. 

Simon: I need to smell it! 

 I’m sitting 


show me how to help, I can use my nose.

Ethan: It’s easy. Like this. My old one was the first journalism typewriter. Silent and light for the Second World War. Really cool. 

Simon: That’s cool dad. What’s a typewriter?

Ethan: it’s right here. 

Simon: PERSON! in the hall! PERSON!! 

Ethan : ….

Simon: I am your protector dad! Protecting.

Ethan: Ok. Did the mail run today?

Simon: Oh yeah! They left me a treat and everything! 

Ethan: Ok smile for mom.

Simon: I’m not smiling. 


Ethan: You know you want to smile. 

Simon:  I’m 30lbs I’m kind of hungry. I only ate three times today. 

Ethan: We will eat manwhiches after this. Now smile.

Simon: manwhiches!!!

Ethan: See that wasn’t so hard.

Simon: Sorcery…

Beagle in The City #11

Simon: I’m just saying I don’t think you can cook it.

Ethan: I can cook Cod.

Simon : Did you get the picture?

Ethan: yeah I think…your ear Simon. 

Simon: That’s called Art.

Simon: Send it to Dogue 

Ethan : I’m sending it to mom

Simon: ….she’s seen us before. What about Dogue. 

Ethan: Dogue doesn’t exist.

Simon: yes it does. I can sense it. 

Simon: are we going to go see mom? It’s Friday….on Friday we go see mom. 

Ethan: we have to cook first. Then we go see mom. Besides, she may still be mad at you for bruising her eye. 

Simon: what! That was an accident. I licked it to make it better And besides…it looked to me,like something a white male would do. Not – a- beagle.

Ethan: you still shouldn’t be jumping on the bed uninvited.

Simon: ….but it’s so soft…like a cloud….

Ethan: it sure is since you stopped hogging all the covers.

Simon: there’s witch craft there dad. It’s suddenly as hot as the sun. I thought I was going to suffocate!! I barely made it out alive! My fur was simmering. 

Ethan: yeah it’s an electric blanket.

Simon: sorcery!!! 

Simon: Oops 

Simon: Dad…dad….dad… 

Ethan: yeah ? 

Simon: I dropped my ball in my water bowl. 

Ethan: well, get it. 

Simon: It’s like it’s own little island…

Simon: Are you sure you can cook Cod?…I don’t think you can cook Cod. Let’s bring it to her fresh. Don’t cook it. I feel like that would be better. 

Simon : Can we add milk bones!! She’ll love that!

Ethan: Negative. How about bread instead.

Simon: oh I like bread!




Drop some on the floor,dad. 

The one about timehop

If you’re feeling extra positive today. Before you post that Friday selfie. Check your “timehop” updates. You know,the thing that shows you everything you posted on this day…for every year you have been with Facebook. 

that’s the one. Facebook is relentless with it…

I can’t even remember where I left my glasses five minutes ago. They expect me to remember something I posted six or more years ago?

Some things you just shouldn’t have to see twice. 

I was hating it…

But then I started seeing where my other half had commented on things…little discussions I had long forgotten. 

Granted her attitude was more of 

And my attitude was more like

“I have hot sauce in my eye…I have hot sauce in my eye!”

There is no meme for that. 

I have no idea how we ended up together…
Believe it or not I haven’t always been as cool as I am now. 

Just a few blood oaths …

Some shaved unicorn horns …

And a handful of years later 

Here we are

So these days  I check timehop, just to see our old senseless debates.  Or just to feel better about my writing. (If you think it’s poor now? You haven’t seen anything.)

Now… If you insist on posting your Friday selfie. Just remember, FB will insist on reminding you of it. 

Have a killer weekend. 

The one with the blizzard 

This may be a bad time considering all the winter storms. But look! I found a florist that was open. Isn’t that cool. 

I recently had a small procedure done at the hospital and wanted to say thank you to my wife for taking such good care of me. Let me just say…you dream some lunatic things when you have to fast.

I dreamed about one of those food network shows. Where celebrities had to cook meals by following specific instructions. 

And they had like this one guy called Angel who was all jazzed out with sunglasses like Tom Cruise or something And J Lo was there. And a couple of other people. Jay Lo ruined some kind of salad. Trying to add culture to it. And Angel, his salad was just great. He followed the ingredients. J Lo looks at him and says “I’m a risk taker. You have three kind of people, risk takers, goody too shoes who follow all the rules. And you have losers.” Angel looked at her. “No, you have winners. And you have artist who can’t cook themselves out of a recipe that has ingredients layed out before them.That’s called…losing.” Then the announcer says they have to cook Catfish…a southern favorite (I’ll call it Kelleys Katfish.) A special breading  involving a lot of grease never changed throughout the day. (Keep in mind this is only a dream)

Everyone hated it. The judges couldn’t finish it. “What is this? Seafood or casserole? There’s so much breading and grease.” 

“It’s Kelleys Katfish.”

“You mean,Satans’ Tankfish.”

And then I woke myself up laughing.

And immediately had to do hospital related things. I will spare you from. But I got good drugs . Like the stuff MJ was on and said loudly “shit! No wonder he got addicted this stuff is fantastic! And asked for my wife. Saying “go get her. You can’t miss her,she’s the prettiest girl in the waiting room.”

Speaking of drugs I’ve never paid for drugs before. You know, the illegal kind. But a lot of people do. And they pay for sex.or cable or possibly those blue tooth neck speakers that they soon regret. But I have gone to the pharmacy and had to walk past the regular Allegra and ask for the Allegra Decongestant at the counter, you know where they make you feel like you’re doing something illegal like “would you like an eight hour session? Or a 12 hour session? that’ll be 30 dollars” and You hand them 30 and then have to walk past the regular Allegra again.Always with guilt somehow. You say things to the regular Allegra  Things like; “I’m just here for the D.”  And you somehow feel like you’ve paid for a hooker but you just need some relief and the D really just knocks it right out of there. Regular Allegra just doesn’t work And even while you’re justifying spending such an amount? It never really makes you feel better. Until you lay down and take it.

that’s a  lot of  innuendo for sinus decongestant. But 50 shades is a lot of shading especially for gray. Just go for black. At least then you won’t come back. (((Boom burn)))  I saw this old lady reading it once and she was like “I don’t think this guy is a Christian at all.”  And I was like “have you Seen the news?” 

  Have a great weekend. And be safe . 

The Wars are upon us.

So I guess this Star Wars thing is going to be around for a while. 

I heard that a guy actually legally changed his name to Darth Vader…

Can’t imagine what his Halloween costume is going to be for 2016….or any prospective children will be named ….

Christmas is over with 
So now 

Instead of reading 

The 12 or 30 days of Anna being greatful in your newsfeed …..

You get to read her resolutions 

And pictures of her food 

You know 

Just before she gets pregnant 

Which probably happened because 

Of  Steve’s gym selfies 

I mean 

That guy was working really hard 

He posted every day 

Can we talk about progress.


Seriously ….

I was at work the other day 

And someone asked me how I keep working around people for so long 

And I just said 

“Hey man, Donald Trump sends me motivational text messages through out the day ….” 

But I was only joking 

I’m still waiting on everyone in my newsfeed to tell me they too are only joking ….

Someone else posted lists from Google 
“The top states and what you googled …in 2015”

And it wasn’t too far from what we talk about everyday 



People names 

That start with the letter O

And I was like 


If you’re THIS stressed 

There has got to be another list 

Like I want to see the hidden list 

The one with that other word that starts with the letter O 

I live in Alabama 

We had the most names on the Ashley Madison thing 

I know I know we are incredibly 


But still 

There’s another list out there

I know it 

And so then they handed me 

Montana and their top search 


Way to keep it real Montana 

Thank you.

I went to a book store 


Did you know 

Coloring books are back 


Adult coloring books 

Not that I ever stopped coloring 

But damn 

I’ve been sitting around 

Coloring Dora 

And never knew 

I could be coloring Paris 


And lingerie ….

For real. 

I felt strange though 

I paid like 

10 to 16 bucks for them 

And I actually thought to myself 

When I was younger these things were only 2 bucks 

It’s funny the things you get excited about after you grow up 


Coffee makers 

Kitchen knives

Kitchen knife sharpners 

Kitchen knife sharpners 

That actually work 

A good nap 


Bath towels 




A good recipe 


Champagne is really good 

Beer is good 

But you feel bloated 

And weird after 

Vodka is good too 


Just really cranks in there 

Like a navy seal 


But champagne 

Walks in with lights 

And a red dress 

And it just seduces you 

It’s slower 

And you taste it 

Because it lingers 

You know 

Like  the internet 

And Star Wars 


That bad red Light 

But it’s ok 

Because champagne 

Beagle in the City #7

Hello Person!

I’m at the vet.

There’s treats on that counter

I weigh 28lbs now 

I think I’m big enough to jump on the counter…

the vet is cool because I get to sit on the table. 

And  let me tell you 

When you go out 

You can do a lot of things 

That you cannot do 

Any other time 

For example 

I cannot sit on the table at home 

I’ve tried.

Hey, I got a new sweater 
I have a hat too 

But I tried to eat it,so dad put it away 

 It’s almost Christmas!!! 

There are so many lights 



And I know 

What everyone is getting 

Because I get to watch the wrapping 


I may have got distracted by the paper 

And the tape 

It’s soooo sticky!!

But now that it’s all in boxes 

I’m pretty sure 

They all have treats for me.

The Tom Cat at the vet said 

If I were a cat,

They would definitely be all for me 

But instead I’ll probably just get leftovers….

I don’t understand the insult 

I love leftovers 

I hope it’s manwhiches.


I had a busy week you know, the holidays and all 

Dad leaves early 

We walk when he comes home 

Try to find the Christmas presents 

But then get tired 

And take a nap

Then I take a nap with mom 

When she comes home 


I cook with dad 

Today I helped dad clean 

Let me just say 

Watching him fold laundry is exhausting 

I took a nap 

Then mom came home 

But I was too tired from 

Trying to eat my rope 

So I stayed in bed 


I’m back from the vet 

And dad left again 

I guess I’ll take another nap 
Merry Christmas! 

See you next year!!! 

I hope there’s popcorn and cookies in 2016…. 

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal

and other things …

It’s Christmas time …that time of year…you know,just after Thanksgiving …you’ve kind of dealt with all of your family but you can’t completely say goodbye …because …in just less than 30 days…

You have to deal with it all over again.

But every family has fruit cakes. 

And it’s not just families it’s everything…

It’s not late enough to say happy this and have fun with that…

But after this specific date …you can go to town with it. 

Like a bunch of parents preparing their children for a parade…”don’t throw that candy!! Wait for it…”

Heck…I’m indifferent about a LOT of things…I have to be just to survive as an American ….it’s ok to laugh at that. But everyone knows…as soon as September hits…and we make it past Halloween…I’m all over it. Like a child with a Xanax addiction but not fully understanding any of it 

Happy Holidays you bunch of crazies. 

I hung up lights this year…which was pretty significant-considering I don’t even own a hammer…and I nail things with hard covered books. 

And I’m not a handy man at all.

But I think I did pretty well.

It helps though,when you’re in a relationship. Because you start to do things you never did before. Like have an opinion about things. Be a little bolder…and take care of things. 

For example, I used to have this refrigerator that would freeze up. It was so bad it kept a sheet of ice in the bottom of it. I was ok with that. I was a non confrontational person. I left that and many other things for two years…

But now…

Like when the shower breaks 

And shoots pieces at my face…

Or when the dish washer breaks 

And floods the room 

I let people know…

And they actually fix it pretty fast. 

It’s an amazing thing. 
Having a dog is pretty cool 

Not many things in life 

Not even a cat…is going to jump down and shake their butt every time you walk in. 

It’s pretty great. 

And Simon wasn’t too bad to house train either .

He woke me up when he had diarrhea   that one very emotional time and this morning;when he kept pawing at my face and licking me…I thought “oh he has to go…ok.”

And so I’m putting on pants…

And he stood there looking at me…with his big dog  beagle eyes and ears…

And then proceeded to vomit 

Right beside my leg 

The biggest pile I have ever seen 

It had to be like twice his body mass 

It could have rivaled horse shit. 

But it was not….it was vomit. 

So yeah other than that he does really well about waking us up. 

And he loves the decorations. He just stares at them adoringly….

And I’m like “dude,you can’t even see colour.”  And he’s like …”so what …it glows and by the way, you don’t even have fur on your body…that’s pretty weird.” 

He loves the window 

Everyday when L goes to work he jumps up there and watches her leave. 

It’s really touching. You know what he does when I leave? 

Nothing, he jumps in the bed and naps with L. But he does love me. We cook together. 

And look for the UPS man.

You know how you sometimes buy things on line and say to yourself 

“It’s safe to ship to my house . She won’t see it.” 

Well, my super secret gift was not like that at all. I saw the truck and ran in ….Simon behind me. 

I get there and L had already carried them in. One huge box….with its name branded on the side so dark – cattle on the moon could read it.

Luckily there were two other packages. They meant  nothing to me. I tossed them at her as she walked in the door. Because I’m cool under pressure like that. And I quickly wrapped the gift. 

Luckily L does not wake up until she’s had five cups of coffee. 

Either that or she’s a really really good liar. But she maintains she saw nothing. Walking in hands spread with a “hey babe!” Me throwing boxes at her. How could she ? 

I’m a genius 

Not really.

But Christmas is going to be super. 

So just have fun with it.

And watch all the films 

And drink all the drinks.

I hope you all have a great one.

Thanks for all you do. 

And drink butter rum it’s pretty great. Even Simon stold some from my cup.