Phantom touch

Today is what would have been another wedding anniversary

And you feel a certain kind of way

You wake up with a pain in your gut

And it’s strange because

None of these things were supposed to matter


It was just a paper

It was just a license

Nothing would have been different


Everything is different

Your body has a phantom memory

Of presents hid away for this day

Of good small memories

Because it was a life that was tangled up together

And you’ve spent a year

Trying to untangle it


You finally pay the lawyer

And sign the paper

And sit at home

You don’t go out

You don’t get drunk

The crowds didn’t help

The distractions didn’t help

The fasting didn’t help

But you just know

That somehow

It’s going to be ok

At some point

You rearrange your furniture

You take some pictures down

You start playing guitar again

You walk your dog

You cook for you and the cat and the dog

You know better now

You are simply


Changing into something you’ve never been

You are becoming

And it hurts

But you know you will live….

You’ve moved

You’ve changed jobs

And this phantom memory

One day


Won’t hurt

Sacred things

You feel up ended


Clenching your jaw

Your fists

Certain that the all of things

Are ending


And what have we learned

What habits are tuning


Are we

Slowly becoming


I can’t ask for you to help me

And I won’t let you see me

And the world

We are certain

Is slowly burning


We sat by

While the planet suffered

And we said we had time

Now our attention

Is the product

They are selling

And we say we don’t suffer



Look how indifferent I am

And what agonies endure


Have I wasted your time?

Have I made sure


That you know

Just what you are?

And that you’re sacred?


Is there anything

More than this?

Being here

Just being here

Right now

With you

We look for the

Way out

The way through

All along

That alter

Has been

A private song

A souls light

Of just living

And living


With you


You are sacred

As you are

Your light

Still shines

Even when you’re silent

You’re beauty still shows

Even when you feel like less

There is beauty in storms

There is light in

In the most overcast days

All of the things I love

I am reminded of

In you

-Ethan Bethune

Holy Vessels

The turning
Of the days
Maybe I am an enemy of this place
This room this heart this love
We took things so flippantly
Like it was not priceless
But a $5 dollar buffet
We recited self work
And self help
And demanded a receipt
Of you and yours
To protect ourselves
And we forgot somewhere
The divinity of this room
When she invites you in
Maybe for a time
For a moment in time
We will be fine
If we can get back
To the divinity
The soft heart
The shadows and the light
While she’s undressing
And the wine
And even if it’s just for tonight
This is a special place
And a timeless hour
And maybe
We stumble
Flesh and bone
We are not angelic
But we continue to try
Night after night
To hold eachother
To fight the dying of the light
To keep the memory
To drink the wine
And I will
Hold my heart
I will hold my voice
If you just ask
I live and die
In the space
Between the words
We say there are no more
Holy things
But we forget
The burning hearts
When eyes meet
When souls weep
When morning
Meets the earth
And the waters deep
Even in this night
Even in this light

-Ethan Bethune

Interior blue

We make from the interior of sadness


From the fires of life

We create art

I was inspired

To write this


Wanda Coleman’s poem “Wanda Why Aren’t You Dead

It is not an attempt to replicate

It simply opened my eyes to bringing our demons to light


I am intrigued by you

I am curious about you

You make me nervous

I cannot put a label on you

Why do you dress the way you do

You always dress up

Why don’t you just relax

You’re not like anyone around here

Why are you still here

Why are you here, why haven’t you left yet …

You are not a writer

Don’t write about your pain

Write what you want to write

You don’t want to be a burden

Don’t whine

You stupid fuck

You’re not a real writer

You’re just like your father

You’re a failure

You’ll probably die young

You’re vomiting randomly

You’re probably dying


Don’t be picky about your food

You ate potatoes growing up

You know, no one is really going to love you

No one is really going to be attracted to you

You’re too fucking weird

You’re probably even bad at sex

You’re a quitter

You quit your career

You left your marriage

You left your town

You’re running

You’re less than nothing

You will never be happy

Why are you still here?

You’re going to keep faking it

You’re too much for people

They are merely curious

Nothing else

Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

You know, no one else will ever want to sleep with you…

You’re too awkward

Your stomach

Your scar

Why does your stomach growl so much ?

Can’t you make it stop?

You’re too thin

Omg I hate thin guys

Why don’t you just let yourself have a dad bod

You work too much

You should relax

Just take all of your sleeping pills

Then you can relax

You know I’m going to kill you right?

You will probably die alone

Like your dad

Why are you even still here

Didn’t you go to college?

Oh my god, I feel so bad that you didn’t go to real school

You must be so dumb

There is nothing here for me

There’s no reason for me to be here

I hate everyone here

I feel like you’re suddenly your own person

You want your secrets and your life

You walked out


You gave up

I thought you were different but you ended up being just like the rest of them, selfish trash.

You will never have a marriage like your grandparents

It’s not your fault

It’s not your fault

Love doesn’t have to hurt

You can let yourself have a flare up

You don’t have to write it funny

You can vomit as soon as you get home

And it just be a flare up

You can eat cheesecake

You can write how you feel

You are still you

You’re going towards something good

You are ok

You don’t have to be perfect

You don’t have to be perfect

You can be good

You can be good

You are enough

You tried your best

Your best was more than enough

Because it was still – you





Make someone’s day easier

Let them know when you think about them

You never know who you will lose

Let it go

You never know what’s coming for you

You are broken but still whole

Be here now


It’s ok to feel what you feel

It’s ok to be right here

I’m not going to tell you

About some positive quote

I don’t want to do that

You know,


All I know

Is we feel low

And we feel overwhelmed

And sometimes

We just don’t feel like enough

We feel like we are not worthy

And that’s ok too

If all the leaves tried so hard to hold on to the trees

We would never have seasons

So all I know

Is right here

But I’m hoping for a better tomorrow

And I’m doing my best to plan for it too


Damn these words

They’re never bullet proof

I’m in my head

Start writing from a certain point of view

The world is filled with memory

Take back your certainty

I never know just what I need to know

I feel out of place

Inside the echo

Damn these words

They’re never foolproof

And I’ve been the fool

Too many times before

The world is burning down

Hear our Excuses in the background

We’re busy healing

Killing ego

Checking eachother

60 billion of us

There’s plenty to choose

But careful child

You’ll end up on your own

You need some kind of love

That chooses you too

Your odds just got smaller

Oh damn these words

Damn this heart

What good am I

What good am I

I feel out of place

Starting over

Do I say what I want to say

Do I say, what do I say….