Mr Responsible 

Growing up is weird. You’ve spent your entire childhood being told to  go outside! Don’t sit in front of the TV!  Do something productive! Now you’re an adult, you’ve paid your bills, you’ve got your groceries, going OUTSIDE costs money…it flips. The responsible, Productive thing becomes staying inside and watching Netflix. Hey, you paid the bill. It’s ok. If you go outside it’s going to cost you three months of Netflix…

And face it, if you go outside and play with a stick and climb on swing sets you just end up in prison.

I struggle with this all of the time. I feel like I should be doing something… if I’m reading I feel like I should be writing, or cleaning, or going out and  doing the mysterious Productive…

My wife is always reminding me, it’s ok to sit down and relax. Cook inside, work-out inside and being Productive is taking on a whole new meaning as an adult. Just don’t be TOO productive…

Hey, it’s not my fault the price of college increased over 500 percent and text books shot up 1000 percent since the ’70s. How can you afford college for your kid? You can’t even afford it for yourself!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just a really young old man. I’m not going to have any more apps on my phone. I’m not learning another techno gadget. I can’t- I’m out and not in a good way. I don’t have anymore energy to learn another word processor or app. 

Face it. The only reason FB is still here is because it’s integrated itself within our lives, like Kudzu. Or that third wheeling friend that shows up in all of your photos but you’re  not really sure when you became close. You use fb to sign in and out of everything. It forced you into a marriage you’re not that proud of. And it knows all of your dirt. 

I don’t even have Snapchat. I deleted it for storage space. Why do I need an app that allows me to send text and pictures? Don’t I do that with messenger and my phone already? 

Remember Skype? Whatever happened to that poor thing? Somewhere out there is a little green light saying you’re logged on. It’s just hoping you’ll come back. Also, it probably still has all of those messages you forgot to delete from drunken frat houses. 

Which is probably why someone created Snapchat. . . 

These days we have to constantly upgrade and relearn everything every other  year. I don’t ask for much… just a nice laptop, like a Dell. Remember those? One that will outlive the expiration date on the credit card I used to pay for it. 

A picture of my much older self…


Writer’s Log #15

So I took my wife to see David Sedaris for her birthday. 

She had mentioned him years ago and asked me to get his autograph since she had to work. 

I couldn’t get it back then. 

But he was at Alabama Booksmith in Birmingham. 

They’re a little bookstore with nothing but  signed first editions. 

Awesome place. 

And I thought, hey why not surprise her with this book signing…

I was originally going to just ask her to dress up and then drive her the 87 miles or so…and surprise!

But then my air went out in my car…

After I had done 600 dollars worth of work to it. 

So I thought again…

I better tell her WHY we’re driving so far. 

Or just take her car. 

But then there are all the people that will be there. 

When you work with people everyday- people other than your own people- are the last people you want to be peopling with. 

So I kind of mentioned we were going to see him. 

But she didn’t realise we were getting copies of his new book- along with Ariel Levy’s book.

And he did a reading. For about an hour I guess…it was great. 

And hilarious. 

But no pictures. 

Which is fine. Selfie nation get over it. We got to meet the man. 

I’ll never forget it. 

I always celebrate through the entire month of June.

That way she gets a lot of presents all month, broken up over weeks. 


I got her a cake. 

A Mad Hatter cake. 

I drew it and Simon made it. 

He even wore a little apron…

Not really. 

I thought of it and asked a bakery type person to craft it out of the fires of Mordor for me. 

Now we have cake. 

But I’m afraid to cut it….

Maybe I can get Simon to cut it. 

Beagle in the City#127

Ethan: Shhh you have to be quiet.

Simon: You’re  going to wake her up. I’m not doing anything. Stop pushing me!

Ethan: Don’t drop the flowers idiot.

Together: Wake up! Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s your coffee!

(Looks at each other)

Ethan: I thought you had the coffee…

Simon: ME! I can’t carry coffee!

Ethan: You said…

Simon: Boy one day I’m going to explain thumbs to you.

Ethan: So we just woke her up and none of us have coffee??

 Simon: …


Together: Run!!!

Loving Rachael


He pays for his coffee looking at the girl at the counter 

She hands him his Change 

Her hand folds over his – holding – and then she walks away

He knows her , but he doesn’t know where

He grabs his pack and slips out into the street 

He sees her at all the stops 

Her face in the crowd 

He sees her shoes 

He knows them 

But from where 

Heels with galaxies on them 

Riding the commute 

On the railway 

Her familiar hand squeezes his 

He looks over his shoulder 

But she isn’t there 

She’s walking away through the crowd 

He puts his ear buds in 

Starts Beck’s Dreams 

And walks into his apartment 
He turns on the light 

it’s a hospital lamp over his bed 


Rachael stood waiting 

Watching over her husband 

She takes his hand and squeezes 

He is in a coma 

She doesn’t know if he knows she is here 

But she visits 

Every day at noon 

She wears his favorite high heels 

With the galaxies 


He’s holding a ring in his pocket 

He’s nervous 

He checks the flowers 

And then his watch 

There she is 

Right on time 

He is going to propose 


It’s their wedding day 

There’s a church 

An aisle 

A kiss 

He sees her eyes 

Her galaxies 

Her lips 

Her smile 


Rachael is crying today 

“Do you think he knows I’m here?”

“There’s not a lot that we can know for sure …this is fairly uncharted territory. I’m sorry. Take all the time you need.”

Today Rachael is taking him off life support. She takes his hand 

Kisses his lips 

One year 

A hundred thousand visits

Uncharted memories …


He is old 


He comes in 

Sees her lying in bed 

Laying down beside her 

He holds her 

And they fall asleep together 

And he thinks of all the times he saw her 

Her face in the crowd

Their life together 

He is thankful 

He loves her

They sleep 

Have a swingin’ Christmas. 

Hey! It’s Christmas. Oh my gosh guys! I love it! I mean, I always write about this time of year. Note years past post Here. Did that rhyme? Thyme? I feel like it did. 

Last year I bought my wife a kickin’ Kitchen Aid Mixer. If you remember, she walked in and I threw boxes at her to distract her. And she didn’t know. Because I’m a genius. 

We’ve been cooking a lot. I love it. We use Blue Apron. I would post more about it, but who wants to be that guy? “I made lamb and salad.” With something like Blue Apron everyone else using it had the same meal that week. We’re on to you Alan. 

If anything I would do a redneck video…”Ok it says to pre-heat skillet with oil. Okay Simon go out to the garage and get me some Castrol but don’t spill it! We gotta use it for the lawnmower next. Aight! What’s next? Test the Ladke  until it sizzles. Looks like a typo there. Simon! Go git me some lake water we gotta test the heat!”

Something like that. 

We get our meals once a week. I always get a text message from Fedex before hand. “Scheduled delivery for Friday…”

Well, I got the text on a wed and they dropped the box on Thursday. It looked like any box. It said Blue Apron on the side,but it was smaller. And across the side it said “Glass Fragile” Simon got his mail off the top of it. A milk bone they always leave him. And I thought Oh boy. We got a bottle of wine for the Holiday. 

I opened the box and didn’t see any ice or food just white boxes. Shit. Oh shit. This is not our box. I’ve ruined someone’s Christmas. I taped the box back shut and left it in the floor. 

When L (my wife) got up later. I was sitting at the table drinking coffee. She walked in didn’t say anything just picked up the box. And carried it into her walk in closet. 

Our box of food. 

Later she texted me after she woke up real good. And was like, “did you open this box and tape it back shut?” 

What am I supposed to say? No, or yes.  Do I ruin everything? I don’t know what’s in the box. Is it cookware? Or a Blue Apron? Or should I pretend that my wife just likes to hide boxes of fresh meat and vegetables in her closet?

I don’t know. Maybe I can still fake it. Maybe it’s not for me. 

I ended up telling her I did open it  And taped  it back shut. Who am I? I’m not running for president. I can’t lie to my wife. 

Maybe I can just pretend to be running for president on Christmas. 

“This is the best box I’ve ever seen. It’s huge! It’s fantastic. I’ve got binders full of boxes!”

Merry Christmas. Now let’s go watch The Santa Clause.


It’s been a crazy ride but I would like to thank you for all of your support. I’m working on new content for 2017. It’s going to be awesome. 

I’ve tried to stay away from the void of blogging or soap boxing (no you can’t find that on Sports Center) but I have tried to write humorously good content. 

I can’t wait for 2017 

Thanks again.


Beagle in the City #105

Simon: Ok, now kiss eachother. Looks great. Beautiful couple. 

Ethan: Thanks,dude.

Simon: You gonna settle up or what? 

Ethan: …

Simon: A treat dad. You gotta pay me,man. I don’t work for free. 

Ethan: Your whole lifestyle is free. You sleep 16 hours on an electric blanket and refuse to walk through water. How can you call yourself a Beagle. 

Ethan: Ok everybody, it’s time for our family Christmas picture. 

Simon: Wait wait. I’ve got to get something.

Ethan: No. 

L: Just one year can we take a decent Christmas picture. 

Simon: I’ve got it!

Ethan: No toys in the family picture. 

Simon: Why not? 

L: Because it looks like a butt plug. Now spit it out. 

Ethan: Everybody smile.

Simon: My toy!

Happy Holidays 

You can’t buy love but you can rescue it. Adopt today.