The last line

There was evil, and there was memory and who knows when you first meet either of the two. He knew he saw her standing in the woods in the dark when he was little. Her black dress…long hands…

That was when he saw the lights in the sky.

He saw her again when he was house sitting for his grandfather after his grandmother died. He could hear her long dress moving through the hall at night. Always just catching a glimpse of her entering the rooms.

The night his father died, he saw her through the window, sitting in the rocker. He knew then he had passed.

Maybe it was when he drove the long drive to his father in law to tell him he couldn’t love his daughter anymore…

He saw her then…

He kept hearing the words

Sick in the stomach

Weights around his neck

“You’re not the victim here, if you do this, it will end in destruction, you’re on a dangerous road.”

“He’s just lost. He’s lost.”

He sees her now, every night. In his door. Just like he did before…

She just stands there and then floats away. Sucking all of the light and air out of the room.

Who knows when you meet evil…

There was also a different figure

Blonde red hair

Blue eyes like stars

And fire wings

She was there when he had a seizure in a ditch

She was there, reading, when he was in the hospital, she was there always…

But lately she just smoked and made fun of his poetry…

He wondered if he would off himself

Or where any of these were headed

He wondered what any of this was…

If he was going to lose everything

If anything really ended in destruction

If he was even good

Really

He felt empty and numb

He wondered

If it was really possible to run out of time

Because he felt everything ending

And

What any of it was about

Dear you

Origin

Photo origin

I know you feel like nothing

I know you feel like you’re overwhelmed

On your own

Feel it

You’re doing better than you think you are

Alnitak, is the brightest class 0 star in the sky ….found in Orion’s Belt…

1,262 light years from earth

Your light

Even overwhelmed

Even isolated

Is like this blue super giant

I know you think there are thousands just like you….

But this is you

Keep going

You’re doing better than you think you are

You’re unique

You matter

And when I look across the city

When I look across the room

When I look…

I always see you

I don’t know how not to…

-E

Get Born

Photo by Emily Ann Kirby

We didn’t have time to watch tv

But something in the gut was happening with me…

Born under a military flight zone

Just another small town

We watched the towers fall

We watched the world change

Every generation has its pain

You’re not broken

You’re not in pieces

You’re just bruised

You’re still whole

You’ve just been kicked around

—–

The middle class

The working man

The single mom

Take the hardest hits

But they can’t stay down

They get back up

With both feet on the ground

We’re just out here

Trying to find some kind of peace

—-

I had a cousin

Couldn’t take the pain

Shot himself

Just to get away

—–

I don’t care what you think of me

All I need is my queen

But if she kicks you when you’re down

If she only takes …

Then fuck, brother ,

You’ve got to know when to leave the table ….

Know your worth

And don’t accept anything less

—–

We still have room for growth

We still have overcast skies

But we’re still out here

Working through the pain

Trying to figure out how to explain

What the kids are seeing on the internet

When we go to sleep

—-

I had a friend in Tennessee

No where to go

No where to be

Barely holding on

We are not divided as we seem to be

Everyone is hurting

Living in these broken towns

No work to be found

Bills abound

And rent ain’t cheap

Son what am I supposed to do

How am I supposed to sleep?

Oh god now, oh my god now,

I don’t need a bailout

I need a helping hand

Is there still a foothold for a dream?

Is there still room in this heartland

For a working man

I’m just burning down these roads

Working

Burning

Hoping

That tomorrow is gonna be a cool cool morning

For a new dream

And let me tell you

Oh my god now

Oh my god now

Is there room for us in these small towns

To get born now

372nd month (it’s only life)

The sun it rose

The rose it bloomed

The Years they passed

They said it changed in five

But it’s more like twenty

——

The Jester Jest

While

The Joker did his best

The Bishop wept

The proud man lied

While the ego and pride starved

The hippy cried

Meanwhile

The middle class was slowly dying ….

But the working man

The partner

The power couple

They keep their heads down and they keep building

Dylan said

It’s life and life only….

——-

I climbed that mountain

To write your name in the wind

So they could spread your seduction

Across Appalachia

Now I’m down from my mountain

To tell the tale

——-

Hear the names

From the ghost

From

The broken life

From the middle class

Who endured so well

We try to forget the earth the clay

That we all return to someday

But god is on that mountain

And

The past cries out with every new morning.

Children remember, there’s a cloud of witnesses watching over you…

Who’ve gone on before you-who knows the path so well….

2021 #1

The American people are hurting

Struggling

Out of work

They are enduring

Strong

Resilient

I’ve watched as professors work door dash every day

Just to keep food on the table

They refuse to give in

They showed up to vote

In the middle of a pandemic

——

I remember the night the president was elected

My wife cried herself to sleep….

I remember “day 1”

I remember

The speeches the statements

I am reminded of all the opportunities

To step off the train

And I’ve been waiting

But no one has stepped off

I asked myself how this was possible ?

It’s like watching an abused partner make excuses for their abuser

—–

It turned my stomach to see a small portion of white American conservatives act like they are being attacked

—–

They have been duped by a con man

A liar

Let there be no mistake

History will record with the greatest astonishment

That they did not walk away

They stood by their man

Until the end

And they will have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives

—-

They have shown

That his behaviour is presidential

For their daughters

And grand daughters

They have made excuses

For this slow build up that culminated

As any cult does

Into hysteria

We have seen every form of it …

They have been lied to.

It is a cult

—–

Make no mistake

Even for conservatives

This is not America

The American people do not have time to buy in

They are struggling

They are and have been in survival mode

I want us all to be able to dream again

I want us all to build again

To win

I’ve watched and worked in cities

All my life

I know the American people

And we endure

We build

We continue forward

I still believe in this America

—–

I believe what happened for Georgia will be possible in any state

If we get the relief and help out to the American people so they can build

They do not want a handout they want a hand up

A foothold

——

I don’t have time for cults

For hysteria

And paranoia

Or conspiracy

—–

Call it what it is

Propaganda

—-/

We’ve seen and lived through the harvest this reaps

——

I believe we can do better

We MUST do better

For our children

And their children

For our neighbours

For ourselves

—–

If you were a 14 year old daughter

You are 18 now

Possibly considering marriage

Would you be ok if she brought a sitting con man, jester , clown, abuser home?

Would you really?

Be ok leaving them in the room with him alone?

Or on a trip with him in a car alone?

——

I’ve sat in the room with men who abuse women and I’ve fired them….

Every single one has had an excuse

There are countless excuses

Everybody has them….

Let me say this

—-

I am tired

And I have no room for excuses

It’s time to build

It’s time to dream

It’s time to heal

It’s time to move forward

This never happened

We have to move forward

We have to get relief to our country

The world is watching

Future leaders are watching

Our daughters and our sons are watching

It’s up to us to discern truth

To discern placement

And value

Not social media

Not businesses

We have to do better

We can

We should

We are Americans

We have a personal responsibility

To bring authentic excellence

For our future

—–

It’s bright

We are going to be ok

If we do the work

If we do the work

We will be moving forward

It’s the small details

It’s the living rooms

It’s the families

It’s the you and the me

It’s the professor

It’s the teacher

It’s the clerk

It’s the associate

Getting up at 2:30 am

It’s the business owner

It’s the pastor

The priest

The Muslim

The Christian the agnostic

It’s all of us

We all are Americans

And we all have made it this far

And we all

Together

Are building

And I’m proud

I’m proud to have worked beside you

I’m proud to have lived among you

I’m proud

To be an American

Because we choose our future

And we can decide.

-E

Writers log #32

I tried writing several posts the last two days….

But none of them seemed good…

I’m trying to stay positive

But I’m behind on all of my bills

I mean, who isn’t…

I’m working from 1:30 am to 9pm

Two sometimes 3 jobs and I no it will work out

But I keep waking up with pain in my face and chest…my heart racing …

I can’t sleep…

I am so worried

And I feel like I’m impatient

And I need to slow down

But I (sigh) I don’t know what to do …

I’m trying to stay positive and not worry and not vent

I know i can vent and overload

The plan is working

It’s just slow

There’s progress

It’s just slow

And it will be ok

It will be ok

Gratitude

I’m thankful

Grateful

Living with crohns

Is like well, yeah.

But I’m thankful that I’ve made it this far.

That I’ve been able to keep working

That I’ve not had a flare so bad I was forced to stay home or go to the hospital

Or pass blood

Or any other number of things that are far too gross to go in to detail about…

I don’t have insurance right now

I can’t take medicine right now because of that…

So I’m thankful

That I’m able to keep working

Towards my goals ….

For all the good.

I’m thankful

For the mornings

I’m thankful for the beauty

I’m thankful

And if I’ve been harsh

Or volatile

Or fixed in my vision

I often feel the need to apologise

But

I think I will always be hungry

I will always be chasing

I’m not the same as

Other people I’ve known

I’m restless

And I’m at a pivotal moment in my life

Other people want to buy cars

And homes

I just want food

And to invest in something that will grow

Not buy a car….

My hope is that my future self

Will be thankful too

That my future self will be proud.

I went to Cleveland to make contacts

In six months I could be anywhere.

Making more money than I’ve ever seen.

But this morning I counted out four dollars in change to get gas.

I think it’s important to remember where you came from.

I remember working with my dad when I was six. We would get up early in the morning and go sell produce. You could smell the corn and the tomatoes and the watermelons. We cut grass and we sold tools. We did whatever we could.

I remember going to food banks and the cans had government labels on them. They were not attractive or marketable. They were blank. Bland colours.

We pretended we were soldiers and it was our rations.

I keep remembering all of these things from the past…

And I’m just thankful.

That I’ve made it this far.

No matter what happens.

The Works of Man

The bible says somethin’ about the Holy Spirit leaving the earth near the last days…how hard it is for man after that.

That’s what I thought of when I saw her…

Her face was black and not even blue, just broken and taped back together…

She couldn’t even wince from the pain of walking, she was stiff like our grandfather…and stood like a crow bar.

She was 25.

When we left the hospital, we went to get her things. From the garbage excuse of a trailer, he was supposed to be at work…

But I guess that’s how these things and men and the way of young love goes…

They’re accountable for nothing…not even an 11 dollar an hour job.

I remember her clothes had black patches of sweat and mold in them.

They smelled of cigarettes

The kitchen table was dirty from the residue.

The place smelled of that smell you only get from a broken refrigerator…

I opened it just to make sure ,

There in the center of all that rotten was last nights box of take out…

“Ugh What the hell…”

I had to find the bathroom and quick

There were holes in the wall all the way down the hall…I turned in to wash my face….

The shower was black and molded

The water was off…

I kicked the lid to the toilet open

Before I started vomiting

It hit me in the face like a train

No water

Packed full of shit

——

Why the hell did she stay here?

He kicked her around and around

——-

He came stumbling in angrier than a starved dog…

Knife in his hands

Gun in his belt

I grabbed the knife by the blade and kicked him across the room

He took off in his car, but didn’t make it far…

He wrestled for a while with the locals and kicked a few down

He drew his gun

And started cursing about my sister and how he owned her

There was a fence he had crashed into

A tamping pole or rod leaning against it

I picked it up and ran it through his foot

“Shut up for once in your life.”

He cried all the way to jail.

I kept thinking about that verse

All of her hurts

Why men do what we do

And what kind of man

Can live with that?

Maybe it’s a different kind of evil…

My father killed men in the war

And his father too

I thought about that as I set another charge on a tree.

——

He was spitting and cursin’ as we brought him down in the thicket.

“You can’n’t kill me! They’re gunna fine out ‘bout it! Yew stupid idgit! She’s MINE I will have what’s MINE!

Married before GOD and everybody ! “

“Oh I’m not going to kill you…God might…but I won’t …the wolves might…but me? I’m just going to hurt you…if you die…it’s up to a higher power than me…now the sheriff, he’s gonna think you ran again, You know, like you did my sister…when you made her run and you played your little hunting games?….you better run…”

I raised my gun…and the headlights…

He made it a few paces I guess…

The last I heard were some obscenities

Then I charged the blasts

the trees exploded around him

I thought about her and the Holy Ghost and the war and the 4th of July…

beyond the light

Just beyond the light

There is tomorrow

Another line

Another page

A story yet untold

That only you can tell

In your unique way

——///

Our youth

Fields of grain

Too many intersections

And not enough time

——-///

We lived and we tried to feel love

As it was sold to us

We tried to be something

Nothing

Anything

——///

I felt the shift

I felt myself losing tune

Yes tune

We rang loud

And out of tune

We lost touch with people

Humanity

We looked to our palms

And our timelines

But it told us nothing of our times

Twitter is not real

Facebook is not real

It does not give you the supper table

The summer mornings

In the south

The green stalks of corn

The ice storms in winter

The kerosine Heat

——///

We live and die in the hashtag

But we haven’t grown up to maturity

Poverty is more than we can comprehend

It’s a relationship to money

It’s habits

It’s not just wanting and not having

——///

These lives just beyond the light

The gift of life

Look past the last headlines

What we are

We are here

Now

Alive

—-///

More than politics

More than religion

More …

——///

“Be what you were…”

I look at art

At words

Films

From the 90s

And I feel a disconnect

I don’t know this person

This person doesn’t know me

I can’t see the tv from across the room

I keep moving my couch closer and pretending it doesn’t matter ….

Pictures give us words

——///

We are textured

Quilted

Struggled

Immigrants

—-///

Downsizing

Can you downsize the American dream?

We can find answers in 5g speed

We are born with a cellular plan

But we don’t know our neighbour

A pastors struggle on Monday morning

—-///

Are we red and blue state ?

Disconnected

People vote, or don’t vote, for various reasons.

One Party is the single issue party. Or the anti vax, anti mask, lower tax…don’t take my guns?

No, one party is the American dream, Reagan party, read, communicate, write, dream, love your country, write your wife love letters from across the room. You’re groomed from a young age to vote red.

The business owner. Trying to dream.

The other is college kids, millennials, like it or not, woke, sensitive to every issue, minority, apologising, how will the kids make it during this economy?

Most of us are somewhere in the middle not on the fringes…who’ve lived through a handful of economic collapses…

Most of us have lost someone to this virus…

I was talking with a nurse and she was telling me of the horror of a patient dying…of the horror that people still think this is a hoax, the fact that these patients are protected by privacy laws and this creates a gap…and we will never know…but they know…and for them…this is a nightmare…

Now, what do people vote on?

Somewhere in the middle.

We have more in common than we think.

The whole silence is violence

be woke to every single new thing ….

that’s a big tab…

the answer to winning votes and states

is not be the most liberal…

it’s connecting to the country.

We are all Americans.

Unplug from social media,

You can block and unfollow each-other all day long but these are real people with real lives and real votes and they are not going anywhere, they’re our neighbours our mothers our siblings.

what do we all have in common.

Return to the vision. Return to common sense, adulthood …

you can build a platform and a table with room for everyone.

We can’t go back…we go forward…beyond the light…or we fade into oblivion…

Francis Cash #17

Francis: have you seen the news!

Ethan: What did I tell you about watching the news…

Francis: It’s the end of the worlds…there’s no point of snax anymore.

Ethan: Then don’t read the news.

Ethan: Listen, your reason for snax, was made up by guys like me. To sell snax. There’s never been a point to anything.

Francis: You stole that from Adsmen.

Ethan: 1st it’s madmen and yes, because it’s true. The only thing you’re competing with is yourself.

Francis: So I should zoom faster and take more naps?

Ethan: sure: