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Irène

"feu dans le sang"

(Fire in the blood)

"l'attente est érotique"

(The wait is erotic)

I wonder what you wrote just for you?

Between the margins?

Inside your address book?

I wonder how your letters were?

How many did you throw away?

Did you have secret lines

Only one person would understand?

—

I just reached 30

You’re 39

I wish I could ask you how this goes

—-

where loss is

How it feels

Did you feel it coming?

Did you write regardless ?

—-

I feel this guilt, like acid in my chest,

When I think about the things I don’t say

I reserve the right to write whatever I want…

—-

Nothing is permanent

And I think about that heat

I think about that loss

Like words,forgotten unused…

How many did we lose?

—-

I pour her tea

She writes on the sides of the pages of her journal

She has a novel she’s working on

She doesn’t think she’ll finish it

We can hear them coming

And it occurs to us

You can hear and feel

Life around you this

Absurd chess game we try so hard at

love coming

storms coming

These boots coming

She won’t finish this novel…

She’s 39 

feu dans le sang

I drink my tea

She’s here for a moment

I close my eyes

And

She’s gone

Like so many things

Blown away by a storm

—

The sun comes out

And I wonder

If we missed her,

I wonder how many more like her

We lost…

Quotes from

Irène Némirovsky

December (2019)

Maybe it’s a gut punch

Nauseous

Mornings

Hidden

evenings

Do you even taste victory ?

Thorn in my side –

I don’t look for permanence

I don’t look for needle & thread to bring about some kind of strand for hope

I fight to live

My best life

Every day

I play the cards I’ve been dealt

Like it’s the ones I wanted

—–

Gut punch

Hand down my throat

Just to find release

I can’t even sleep

—-

I’ve changed…

—-

Dark earth

I can feel myself getting bad again…

The heart breaks

And it leaves its shadowed scar over my skin…

I wake up and for a moment

I’m cut open again

All of my pain

The flame

Is burning in my gut again

I close my eyes

And my breath is short

My throat is dry

And I’m held down

Swallowing the tube again

Pump this broken heart

Cut it out

I don’t want this

Take this from me

—-

Gut punch

You start to live with purpose and intention

I’m not supposed to even be here…

you hold to things loosely

So you continue to grow…

Shelter

1

When we’re the broken

standing next to the lonely

Are we any better

Than what we came here

To forget ?

—-

I’m just out here

Looking for a shelter

She reminds me

Shelter is also a human touch

2

Are we getting better ?

Has anything really changed?

Children of poor fathers and broken mothers

Repeating the same routines –

She said she loved a girl –

What is Love anyhow-

She said

Don’t tell me you’ll stay forever

Just tell me when you’re ready to leave

—

Have we come here to make these things better, how can we come together…

3

Walk with me

Just a mile

4

Is my flesh so weak

Am I really so broken down

Can I – I would that I could

The storm keeps on blowing

The waters keep on rising

It’s not the swimming

It’s not the drowning

It’s only the breathing

5

She pulls me back together

She settles me down

Red hair

Her lips

Her kiss

And she settles all my broken bones

And

I don’t have to walk these roads

6

Are we getting better?

Or are we just the same …

You know, I can’t remember what I came here to forget…

Post

For just one moment

Turn off the noise

The ads

The articles

The videos

The echo in the canyons of your mind

———

Look at what you grew through

Where we – what we- came from

Look into your own eyes

Here today

————-

Post, 9/11

Post, Katrina

Post, the financial crisis

Post, the war on terror

Post, social media

iTunes

Streaming

What is anyone reading….

————

Look at what you came through

Now, don’t let anyone

Or anything

Not even yourself…

Tell you otherwise….

———

You were built to last

You are a survivor

You matter

And even though the world will never be the same

Those of us who remember

A world before,

We lived through it,

We lived through it,

Cannot be fooled

And we will not abide

Shallow waters

We demand the depths

To wash us clean

And we will rise above it

Into the sunrise

And we will continue to seek out

A better future for ourselves

Because we have lived

A thousand lives

And dreamed a thousand dreams…

And we are still living- still dreaming- still fighting

Yes, even ourselves

But we were built to last…

——–

Through these fires…

We demand the depths…

And I don’t know that our eyes

Look at the world the same

As those who were born, after,

Or even before,

I think everyone carries their own burdens

But this is an old flame

And it changes you…

It can’t help but change you…

It hollows you out

And replaces your thoughts

With echoes of loss

It hollows you out

Bone and marrow

And builds a fire inside you

That only the moon

The ocean

And the stars can understand

I hope you understand

You were built to last

What else is there?

Wildfire

She grew up

Talk of this town

I fell in love

Fell in fast

Before her boots

Hit the ground

And she just said

Nothing’s built to last

She took my love

To the edge of town

Gunning for the city limits

—-

Before the setting sun makes its rounds

My radio

Keeps selling me

The same old broke down songs

For a remedy

My pickup truck

It’s gut broke

Can’t get me outta this town

—-

She took my love

She took me down

Wildfire

She can kill an hour

Kill a year

She’s

Everything

You’d want

And she knows your need

Wildfire

Shell shake the dust of this town

She can’t be contained

But she’ll set you free…

October

I hope you found the love

To settle your nerves

Shake the dust

Of this old earth

Of this worn town

He loved a boy

With a smile

From the lost and found

But lately we’ve not seen him around

And I wonder

If we would ever grow past

what we know

And woman

Oh woman

I hope

You know

I love you body

And soul

And all the fires

That fill this winter

Oh woman

Oh woman

I would that I could talk with you tonight

Shake the dust of this earth

From these bones

And make it alright