The Refuge of the heart

We were a small gang of nobodies, attempting to become somebodies.

We all had this in common. We had left relationships and careers. Trying to start again. Attempting to find our footing and start climbing again.

They would pat me on the back with understanding and say to just hang in there. It would be worth it in the end.

Everyone had taken a pay cut just to get in.

I was living on rice and bourbon and coffee.

Sometimes I would be asked if I had a girl. I would smile and say, no.

The older I got the more relaxed I got. I didn’t try to rush things. I didn’t try to force things. I had my drive, my goals, yes.

But if there was a girl, that sometimes wanted to talk or send a beautiful picture, that was fine and in turn, I would send a line of poetry if late at night I found I couldn’t sleep.

And I would sit in bars and listen to conversations. And I understood. Finally.

We all hold on to something. And we all need something. It’s much easier if we accept people where they are at when they meet us. If they need good conversation. Acceptance. Arms to hold them. Or just someone to drink with.

And even those who dismantle and repair beliefs still hold to a certain idea and way of seeing things that they secretly hope, will never be dismantled.

I was about to be 31 and I was finally ok with seeing these things.

And I hoped everything would turn out ok for all of us in the end.

Connections take time. Careers take time. Discipline takes time.

You could be so angry about the things a year took from you, or you could let it go. I looked back over some years I spent angry about politics and realized, those years turn to ash. They become useless.

I chose to simply get up and do my best with whatever days I had left. And no matter what, to try and make my art.

It was cooling off, it was September, I poured my coffee. I thought about how many people we meet and how many people do we really know?

There was a motorcycle that drove between all of us, passing by us on the interstate .

I thought about the rush and the haste to get somewhere, anywhere.

I thought about her eyes. And how beautiful she was. And how rare, truly rare it is. To meet someone that can just pull poetry out of you. I hoped she was happy. Wherever she was.

I was old enough to understand, some years you write everyday and night and some years you write once a month.

For now, I was writing. I was drinking, I was laughing, and I was struggling.

And there would be other days ahead.

Death, God, and Coffee

There in the corner

My stack of journals

And notes

Is the bourbon

The perfect line I just wrote

—-

I wonder if you will ever understand

You wonder if I could ever hold you

Like I hold words

—-

How do you separate

All of the salt from the sea?

How do you separate our two hearts

From the beats

——

And wake up alone

In the heat of the night

Out of the darkness

I talk to Death and to God

We drink our coffee

And write notes

But it’s nothing to see

Death is too tired anymore

And God is just a war vet with a broke heart used to the pain …

——

And I’m doing time in these mountains

Afraid I’ll never be happy

Wondering what’s left of me?

Is there anything left to see?

Add title

She asked me

If she would ever really be happy

If she could

Finally have the life she wanted

That night I wondered

if we would never be happy

Really, incandescently happy

What if that’s what made us create

What if we can see and hear other people

But that hunger in us

Would never be filled

And we would always be alone

What if there was always a corner

A piece of us

That would be separate

And we would always have to explain it

Or translate it

—-//

I told her surely down the road somewhere

Both of us could be

And I stood there afraid

That I was wrong

-E

The fall of the year

Look around
All the ghost in this room
Walking these streets
Where our hearts used to skip a beat
Catching a spark
Alone in a cold dark night
Trying to find
Trying to find
The shadow of a love I used to know
Hear all the letters I wrote burning under the floor
With the heart I cut out
Just in time
—-
I don’t know, how to save myself,my money, my time…
—-
Oh woman,oh woman,
We’ve been working…everyday since the world was reborn…
And they’ve been asleep, for so long, now the earth is split in two, those who stayed home and those who got used to the news, and worked anyway, even if it was minimum wage…
Now you hold your lip,
And all of the struggle
I can never forget
All of the ghost
All of the time…
We doubled our words
We cautioned our eyes to the light
I don’t even know you
You don’t even know
Oh my love
Oh my woman
Could you spare
My heart just this once…
We just spend time
Like dollars in a jar
But we never touch
There’s always pieces
Pieces we have to translate
Oh my love my love …
All the ghosts in this room
This town
I can’t save myself, my time, my money…my heart…
I see the things that I don’t even know…
We worked through summer
We worked
Now we smile
We smoke
We drink
And we are numb
To the pain
To the rain
To our touch
To your eyes
To your love
To your curse
To the weight of
You holding me
Through the night
We can’t even hide it
The scars and the mood
There on the floor
All of the darkness
It’s here to be bold
Let us be bold
We are not dead
We are complete .

Winter

It’s ok to feel what you feel

It’s ok to be right here

I’m not going to tell you

About some positive quote

I don’t want to do that

You know,

Sometimes

All I know

Is we feel low

And we feel overwhelmed

And sometimes

We just don’t feel like enough

We feel like we are not worthy

And that’s ok too

If all the leaves tried so hard to hold on to the trees

We would never have seasons

So all I know

Is right here

But I’m hoping for a better tomorrow

And I’m doing my best to plan for it too

-Regardingsamuel.com

Glass

Damn these words

They’re never bullet proof

I’m in my head

Start writing from a certain point of view

The world is filled with memory

Take back your certainty

I never know just what I need to know

I feel out of place

Inside the echo

Damn these words

They’re never foolproof

And I’ve been the fool

Too many times before

The world is burning down

Hear our Excuses in the background

We’re busy healing

Killing ego

Checking eachother

60 billion of us

There’s plenty to choose

But careful child

You’ll end up on your own

You need some kind of love

That chooses you too

Your odds just got smaller

Oh damn these words

Damn this heart

What good am I

What good am I

I feel out of place

Starting over

Do I say what I want to say

Do I say, what do I say….

Hurricanes

Today
Six years ago

I had just got out of the hospital when this was taken.
Six or seven years ago.
I prob weighed 140 lbs
It gets dark and it gets hard
But there is poetry even in hurricanes

Keep going
It gets better

-E

I don’t know what you’re going through

Maybe you’re working three jobs

Or two

Or working 80 hours a week

Maybe you’re beat down and broken

Tired

Think about this last stretch of the year

What is here

Right here

Where we are

You’re living

What this year has made you

The strength you hold

You will walk out of this rubble

Stronger

With eyes burning

You will carry this loss this hope this strength with you for the rest of your days

You can’t go back, you’ve seen too much

Lived through too many nights

And if trouble confronts you down the road

When you are alone

You will turn and it will see this year

Burning in your eyes

It will see the fires that made you

And when it backs down

And proclaims, it was just a mistake or a joke and it was just kidding …

Like doc holiday you can say

Calmly

“I wasn’t.”

Because you know what and who you are …

You know the strength you carry

And how you carried this year and did not break.

Keep going.

-E

New moons

How many times

Did we check out

Just to keep

from reading the signs

How many days

Felt the same

How ways did we pass the blame

We don’t have to

We don’t have to say this

Is our lives

—-

I know you’re

Fearing the fall

Tired from it all

This doesn’t have to be

The way we live and die

—-

Stop the sky

From raining down

Tell the lies

If it makes you feel better

Somehow

But we don’t have to live and die

—-

I know you’re tired

I know you’re wired

I know we checked out

Just to keep from reading the signs

But the world is tilted

And we are not permanent

Rest your eyes

If it heals your soul

I’ll hold you through the night

We will live

We will live

For another day

Regardingsamuel

Beagle in the City #288

Ethan: Simon! Come ON

Simon: (sniffing absolutely nothing. Looks back at Ethan)

Ethan: (Opens arms.) what the heck are you even doing?? I have to go to bed. It’s 8:30

Simon: Oh ok. My bad my bad. Oh also, if there’s bones in the bed. It’s not from chicken wings it’s from aliens…

Ethan: omg…are you serious?

Francis: oh hey, guys, I don’t know if you’ve noticed. But I just got a NEW scratcher scratcher upper. It’s brand new.

Ethan: Francis, I just gave that to you. Are you going to sleep beside it?

Francis: What’s it to you? Maybe I love this , maybe I don’t. I haven’t decided.