maison de verre

Glass House
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Image origin

Among the artist
In the city
The ‘feelers’
They keep bleeding
And all the
Rivers
They keep running
And all your
Headaches
They keep returning
You know you’re not well
Your mind is bleeding
It’s the pressure
Maybe it’s swelling
And all the nightmares
They keep returning
Standing
Just in the corner
It’s a wet blanket
It’s a timeline
It’s a shadow
It’s a legion

And all the rows of books
On the shelves
You keep counting
And all the Dr’s questions
They keep rotating
And you keep counting
And is this normal
Is this safe

And so you’re just asking
Is it worth it?
Will you be enough?
Is this too much?
Is this fair?
Who cares
It a micro issue
It’s a shadow
Madness
It runs in the family
It’s chemical
But influential
And now you’re walking
In the city
The rain keeps falling
But you don’t mind
It blankets
All the static
In your mind
And you don’t feel
Anything
The one time
When you feel normal
Like everyone else

Inception

Hollowed out
Nearly midnight
The city turning
Do you feel alright?
Take my hand
Take my hand
And hold it!

There are millions
There are the potential
For billions
They say
Your body can get sick
But if you lose your mind
There is no help
For that
There’s a bullet in the side table

Is there reaching
Is there a song for
The feeling of falling?

Is there weather
For the season
I’m in
Is there a
Name for
The shadow
That occupies
The corner in my mind

I think it’s scared
Like me
I think it sees things
Like me
And maybe even understands ….

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Image by fan ho

June 27th

I didn’t sleep last night
Instead I called my sister
Or she called me I don’t know
She was sitting in her window
With a cigarette writing
And I was sitting on my counter
With liquor- trying – trying to write
Somedays are like that
We feel like we have to write
We had something but then we lost it

I hate wasting words though
I’d rather listen
Than waste words
You know me though
I still ramble
I still burn my hands
Attempting pancakes in the morning
I’m very much a lightweight
I’m very far from perfect

I texted a friend of mine around 4am
A nurse- I knew she’d be awake
She was
I wrote a long
Overdue letter
Mailed it to HI
And left for work
Somedays
You realize how used to anxiety
You are
You rush
When you don’t have to
You grip the wheel
Look in the rear view
And you don’t have to

I stopped to buy deodorant
Because for everything else
Hey it’s ungodly hot in the south
You can cut it with a knife

I’m staring at the deodorant
What’s cheaper than 5 dollars ?
Everything is 5 dollars …

“Hey,how are you ?”
It was from the end of the isle
The clerk
An Hispanic girl
“I’m alright,how are you?”

Paying for my deodorant mined from
Moria …has to be why it’s so expensive

She looked up at me
“You look nice today”

I slept 5 minutes
I do look nice today
I’m not anxious today
I’m not depressed
Per say
I’ve got my mind made up
These are our years
You know?
And some days
We don’t have to be doing anything
Saving the earth
Writing the next earth shattering
Gatsby
Directing the next Dark Knight
We just need to hear
“Hey,you look good.you’re doing good”
And have a good conversation
It’s ok to breathe
It’s ok to walk away
It’s ok to just
Be
That’s June 27th

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Perspective (what I learned from suicide)

Wingstop
Probably my favorite place for FRIES
And rolls
Their wings are ok too
It was hot
dead center in the middle of summer.
I was planning on going to a movie when I got the text from my sister,
A text that would stop everything
My cousin, maybe a year or two older than me,engaged to be married
A daughter on the way
committed suicide

I want to talk about this clearly
Point blank
Because I’ve been on the brink
And I have struggled with depression

I do not pretend to have the answers
But I can tell you this
I lost two people last year
My best friend
And my cousin
The year before that
I lost my dad

Life is nothing,nothing like we think it will be.

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But you have to keep living
Not in a depressed manner either
But with the understanding
That ANYTHING is possible
It opened my eyes
Now every time I see an auburn football fan I say
” War Eagle” just for Russ.
Because I always drove him up the wall about being a fan.

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I still struggle with depression
It’s a dark cloud
But
I choose to fight
Because
I believe in hope
And the light
I believe it’s worth it
It’s not me

 

 The thing is
If you’re struggling with change
If you’re struggling
You’re not alone
If you feel like you are not where you saw yourself being
You’re not alone
If you feel like you’ve been cheated
You’re not alone
You’re not alone
You are not defined
By your GPA
You are not defined by your job
You are not defined by who loves you
You are not defined by how much money you have
You are not defined by how much of your bucket list you’ve checked off

The important thing is
That you are happy
In your own skin
That you touch someone
That you leave them with good energy
Putting them at ease
That you are the best youthat you can be

I recently realised this
And I really had to struggle with it
But I remember how my mom’s home makes people feel at Christmas
Anyone can touch anything
Anyone can decorate the tree
Bake in the kitchen
Eat the cookie dough
(Burn the cookies)
They feel like they grew up with us
And they are usually more relaxed
Than in their own home

That’s good energy
And mom always gives advice to anyone
Leading off with
” you know what your problem is”
And boom
There ya go
( a southern lady setting you straight)
But I also figured out
I am a writer
I have to write
Everything I come in contact with touches my very soul
And I have to write it out
So I stopped defining myself by my day job and changed my perspective
This is who I am
It’s what I love
I could live anywhere in the world and do this
I remember sitting at work one night and a college kid asked me what I wanted to do
And I looked at him and said
” man, I should be jumping in oceans and documenting riots in Egypt”
He started laughing because he just didn’t get it
” Ethan’s life goal is jumping in oceans”

It’s fine
Don’t expect people to get excited about what you do
It doesn’t matter
All that matters is that you love it
When you get excited
The people you need
Will be attracted to you
That’s when connections are made
So drop your fear
And take a chance

One day I will move
Maybe not this day
But one day
I will have tea with my friends in the UK
One day I will write about drilling wells in Africa
Dreams are good
One day I will write a screen play
Dreams keep you moving forward
But Be flexible to change
It’s how you accept it that matters

I refuse to live in fear
I refuse to feel like less of a person
I refuse to give up
This is my life
And this is mine

Midnight

I’m sorry
I’m just a churning mess inside right now
And I have no idea what to do

I’ve been here before
It’ll get better
If I run
Run like crazy
And work out
God
It starts inside
And works it’s way to the surface
Like
needles picking
Picking
And then I get sick
Shaking
And I can’t breathe
I wish I could sleep
But I can’t do that either
So I write
And I pray
Which isn’t really praying
It’s just me walking and talking
I’ve never been able to pray
Like I did when I was little
And super religious
Now I just
Talk
And listen
And write
But more often than not
I find myself crying these days

I feel completely
Completely useless
Worn
I’m tired
And I’m afraid I’ll never catch up

Depression is not new to me
Anxiety is not new to me
Sickness and hospitals are not new

I’ve grown up around it
With it

The long nights
Everything I’ve just described
But there’s this dream of an older me
I’m so afraid I’ll never catch you
Reach you
The dream
The light
The promise of a life ….
Where I make you happy .
And that’s when I realize it
I just want to be happy
And if I can help someone else be happy …. Breathe easier …
It gets better

it gets better
It does
It comes and it goes
It scary
You start crying after you wake up from a dream …
A dream …
And you can’t stop .

The images flash across your eyes
The voices from the past …
And you’re froze
Petrified

I’m not the best at this
I try to hide this
But then I thought
Maybe you could use this
Even this
Because it gets better
I have to believe that

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Paperless Love ( These Days )

Everyone’s active everyone’s  free

Everyone’s a lover everyone’s lost within the vortex of  dream 

Look a little closer – spend a little time  

Outside the world’s drunk on disappointment 

The world’s weary from the pain

 

We race to believe in something new

  it’s paperless love

we have no time to form a thought

to write it out

we push until we wear ourselves down

we struggle to save the day

we struggle ‘till we waste away

we  struggle much afraid

Everyone’s a savior 

Everyone’s in chains

Everyone’s a lover

Look at everyone  alone

Consumed  by the weight we’ve accepted as These Days 

 

These Issues We Face ( The Journal post in which I am in the Hospital )

FROM MY JOURNAL ( 02-22-13)

I was dying …this was it…it wouldn’t be historical..life changing or cool ..it would be boring and slow – quite uneventful – like everything else in my life …the funny thing was I didn’t even know it until it was too late..but this was it.I wouldn’t be able to change it ..I was dying ..that’s the thing about death it’s like  facts ..they don’t ask  now what do you think? you like it better this way or some other way?.No sir they just are regardless of how much people hate them they carry on ., stepping into peoples lives ruining their schedules and everything else…we should really be more like that , like death..just Be .

I couldn’t help thinking about all the things i’d never write…

About all the things I’d never see

All the stress that didn’t matter now, all those pressures,  like gravity and glass pressing against my skin , making my head hurt like a vice …I hate that it got like this…but in my defense I didn’t know I was dying …I didn’t know that not sleeping could kill a person and that along with poor diet and stress and anxiety all of those things would cause my body to literally fall apart inside .

What I DID know was this;

I used to be afraid of living…terrified of it to the point I wanted to just stop time …just freeze it …or stay in bed all day …maybe I could pause the world and just walk around and see what everybody is really like.Because I was terrified, terrified of living and making decisions or making a life for myself..i felt like I was a failure at life and could never measure up. 

but anyway..regardless

just as soon as my head got cleared up my body backed out of the deal . and here I was dying .Now I was afraid of dying and wanted to live……

Funny how that worked out huh. 

02/20/2013

02/20/2013 (JOURNAL )

 

I just finished The Time Traveler’s Wife,it’s a good book, you should read it .But now i can’t sleep…I hate this …for someone who can sleep anywhere …I sure  make a habit of not sleeping at night .

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about chapters …and how we change . I close my eyes and I see my life like this….moments„,memories….glances;

Growing up working with dad, preaching with dad

Hyper active wasting 99.9% of all my words 

Terrified

Always the nightmares and lack of sleep

Dad, his eyes, his face …

his voice echoing 

pinning me to the wall

Suddenly I’m here again back home…on that night….I’m standing in the freezing rain…with my mom and sister..i can see my breath. Numb. Dad died in his sleep .

I think about all that has changed and all that is

I was young and very opinionated , i thought i would be a self made man

I was terrified of living 

i spent my life traveling with dad on the road trying to be perfect

to learn business and how to be the best i could be

my image of god was a blurred image of dad , his voice and shadow looming over my life constantly seeking his approval , his favor …his attention .

Now he is gone and all that has ended….at some point in time I left home and started living , Good men invested in my life and taught me about finances and business  I’m getting to know God . I’m getting to know people . Not deceive them . But I’m sick ..I’m scared ..I don’t want someone taking care of me..so I will probably always be alone I saw my grand-dad use my mom and my dad use my mom …I don’t want to even think  of someone taking care of me  …the thought of sometime in my uncertain future..my needing someone more than they need me? Jeez.. My stomach hurts just thinking about it . and yet  I can’t help thinking…when I was young I was scared of living so much so I often wanted to die..now  that I’m older I’m scared of dying …scared of existing …spinning time..but never touching eternity ..never finding my purpose and what it’s all about  .