Beagle in the City #263

Ethan: Hey Buddy, how are my boys?

Francis: I’m starving…famished…look at me, I’m fading away! Hello! Hello! Can you see me! I’m still here! Anyone!

Ethan: Francis, you’re so fat, you couldn’t pull yourself up into the litter box, so you pooped in the floor.

Francis: I don’t know anything about that. When is second breakfast?

Simon: Hey dad!

Ethan: Hey man, we need to talk.

Simon: Ok!

Ethan: Listen, you remember when Garf died?

Simon: Yup yup.

Ethan: Well, I told you the truth then, and I want to tell you the truth now.

Oh boy, Sometimes… moms and dads love each other…but they just need time apart and it’s not a failure or your fault. It just is, like when Garf died, it’s a different kind of ending and beginning.

Simon: You mean, like when Francis punches me in the face and then hides for a while?

Ethan: I mean, without the punching, yes…

Simon: Or like when the pizza man doesn’t come around for a while even though I look out the window and hope really hard?

Ethan: Yes, I guess.

But we both still love you very very much no matter what happens.

Simon: Ok dad. Hey I got you a camera for Christmas!

Ethan: this is your toy…and it’s broke…

Simon: I may have practiced too hard.

Ethan: Hey, thanks for being my best friend.

Simon: Murray Chrissmus! Sweater buddies!

Beagle in the City #231

Ethan: ok boys let’s take some pictures. Simon I got you a present. It’s a NEW-

Simon: Bone! Antler! Wait wait ! Chew toy! Brother!

Ethan: Christmas sweater!

Simon: Really!! Yes!

Ethan: Garf, you have to stay still. Still. Be still.

Garf: Hey Lady!

Ethan: This isn’t working.

Simon: Like this Garf. As still as a statue…

Simon: This is why I get the good stuff, like sausage biscuits and peanut butter and jellies…

Lindz: You’re not supposed to be getting any of those things…

Simon: I mean dried kibbles and waters…

Ethan: Good save bud.

Simon: Have a swingin’ Chrissmas…

Ethan: Not yet buddy,

Simon: Oh ok. Have a swingin’ Thursday!

Ethan: It’s Monday but better.

Simon: What’s a Monday.

Beagle in the City #196

Dear doggie journal. Today, was the strangest day. Mom and dad went shopping. At first I thought I would get to go. But like usual, I was wrong.

So I sat in my window.

Later they brought back a whole TREE.

I tried to tell dad. I kept saying. Ahh you’re gonna get iiiiit. We can’t bring sticks inside.

But nothing happened.

I’m not sure what’s going on.

They’ve brought the outside to the indoors.

I was afraid they were going crazy. So I did a test.

First I checked the tree for squirrels.

Then, I ripped up the trash in the bathroom. If I didn’t get in trouble I knew something would be up.

Well. I got in trouble. Now I’m under the table.

I guess I can’t have sticks inside. But they can have a whole tree.

At first I was mad. But then dad told me that it was MY tree.

I mean, that’s a pretty good present dad. All I got you was a slightly used chew toy.

Beagle in the City #112

Simon: Dad,dad,wake up! I can hear rain deers it’s Santa Paws! 

Ethan: What? It’s Riendeer. And we don’t have a roof to hear. It’s just the upstairs neighbor. It’s 3am go back to sleep.  

Simon: I can’t. I’m too excursioned. 

Ethan: Excited. Did mom text me? I’m excited too. 

Simon: Beats me,dad. I can’t read. 

Simon: Wake up! Wake up! We overslept! We missed Christmas! It’s 71 degrees! We slept till summer. Ohhh noooo. 

Ethan: Calm down,crazy. It’s still December 25th.

Simon: So! What’s that mean?

Ethan: It’s still Christmas. You want to help me make fruit salad?

Simon: Fruit salad!

Have a swingin’ Christmas. 

Hey! It’s Christmas. Oh my gosh guys! I love it! I mean, I always write about this time of year. Note years past post Here. Did that rhyme? Thyme? I feel like it did. 

Last year I bought my wife a kickin’ Kitchen Aid Mixer. If you remember, she walked in and I threw boxes at her to distract her. And she didn’t know. Because I’m a genius. 

We’ve been cooking a lot. I love it. We use Blue Apron. I would post more about it, but who wants to be that guy? “I made lamb and salad.” With something like Blue Apron everyone else using it had the same meal that week. We’re on to you Alan. 

If anything I would do a redneck video…”Ok it says to pre-heat skillet with oil. Okay Simon go out to the garage and get me some Castrol but don’t spill it! We gotta use it for the lawnmower next. Aight! What’s next? Test the Ladke  until it sizzles. Looks like a typo there. Simon! Go git me some lake water we gotta test the heat!”

Something like that. 

We get our meals once a week. I always get a text message from Fedex before hand. “Scheduled delivery for Friday…”

Well, I got the text on a wed and they dropped the box on Thursday. It looked like any box. It said Blue Apron on the side,but it was smaller. And across the side it said “Glass Fragile” Simon got his mail off the top of it. A milk bone they always leave him. And I thought Oh boy. We got a bottle of wine for the Holiday. 

I opened the box and didn’t see any ice or food just white boxes. Shit. Oh shit. This is not our box. I’ve ruined someone’s Christmas. I taped the box back shut and left it in the floor. 

When L (my wife) got up later. I was sitting at the table drinking coffee. She walked in didn’t say anything just picked up the box. And carried it into her walk in closet. 

Our box of food. 

Later she texted me after she woke up real good. And was like, “did you open this box and tape it back shut?” 

What am I supposed to say? No, or yes.  Do I ruin everything? I don’t know what’s in the box. Is it cookware? Or a Blue Apron? Or should I pretend that my wife just likes to hide boxes of fresh meat and vegetables in her closet?

I don’t know. Maybe I can still fake it. Maybe it’s not for me. 

I ended up telling her I did open it  And taped  it back shut. Who am I? I’m not running for president. I can’t lie to my wife. 

Maybe I can just pretend to be running for president on Christmas. 

“This is the best box I’ve ever seen. It’s huge! It’s fantastic. I’ve got binders full of boxes!”

Merry Christmas. Now let’s go watch The Santa Clause.

Beagle in the City #106

Ethan: You want to to take the trash out with me?

Simon: Wait! I have to get my sweater. Ok – I’m ready. 

Ethan: I have to get started on our Christmas cards,man. 

Simon: We should give one to the trash man. They have the coolest job! 

Ethan: Think I should get mom some socks…is that a good present? The big fuzzy ones.

Simon: I don’t know, I don’t wear socks. 

Simon: Hey,wait! Close your eyes. Ok now look dad. I’m a Gnome!

Ethan: That’s awesome man. 

Simon: Really? We’ve been practicing. 

Ethan: Practicing?

Simon: Yeah, the new house cat said I would look like an idiot. But I said ohhh no I wouldn’t. My dad would think it was hilarious. Can we have cheeseburgers? With Oreos and bacon! 

Beagle in the City #105

Simon: Ok, now kiss eachother. Looks great. Beautiful couple. 

Ethan: Thanks,dude.

Simon: You gonna settle up or what? 

Ethan: …

Simon: A treat dad. You gotta pay me,man. I don’t work for free. 

Ethan: Your whole lifestyle is free. You sleep 16 hours on an electric blanket and refuse to walk through water. How can you call yourself a Beagle. 

Ethan: Ok everybody, it’s time for our family Christmas picture. 

Simon: Wait wait. I’ve got to get something.

Ethan: No. 

L: Just one year can we take a decent Christmas picture. 

Simon: I’ve got it!

Ethan: No toys in the family picture. 

Simon: Why not? 

L: Because it looks like a butt plug. Now spit it out. 

Ethan: Everybody smile.

Simon: My toy!

Happy Holidays 

You can’t buy love but you can rescue it. Adopt today.

Beagle in the City #104

Simon: The decorations look great dad! Go up one more I’ll spot you. 

Ethan: Simon, if I fall on you, you die. 

Simon: Good point. I’ll get mom. 

Ethan: Don’t just leave me up here! Simon!

Simon: I didn’t want to tell you guys. But the spirit of Christmas has got to me. 

Ethan: is this a ghost story? Because I have to prepare myself…

Simon: I got you a present not a ghost. I know it’s early. But it’s round and it’s green and it definitely doesn’t bounce but it fits under the couch!

Ethan: ….

Simon: Ok it’s a ball! I got you a BALL!

Ethan: You’re not supposed to tell us what it is,man. 

Simon: I better show you how to use it, you can put it in your mouth and carry it around. Or throw it across the room…go ahead and try it.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal

and other things …

It’s Christmas time …that time of year…you know,just after Thanksgiving …you’ve kind of dealt with all of your family but you can’t completely say goodbye …because …in just less than 30 days…

You have to deal with it all over again.

But every family has fruit cakes. 

And it’s not just families it’s everything…

It’s not late enough to say happy this and have fun with that…

But after this specific date …you can go to town with it. 

Like a bunch of parents preparing their children for a parade…”don’t throw that candy!! Wait for it…”

Heck…I’m indifferent about a LOT of things…I have to be just to survive as an American ….it’s ok to laugh at that. But everyone knows…as soon as September hits…and we make it past Halloween…I’m all over it. Like a child with a Xanax addiction but not fully understanding any of it 

Happy Holidays you bunch of crazies. 

I hung up lights this year…which was pretty significant-considering I don’t even own a hammer…and I nail things with hard covered books. 

And I’m not a handy man at all.

But I think I did pretty well.

It helps though,when you’re in a relationship. Because you start to do things you never did before. Like have an opinion about things. Be a little bolder…and take care of things. 

For example, I used to have this refrigerator that would freeze up. It was so bad it kept a sheet of ice in the bottom of it. I was ok with that. I was a non confrontational person. I left that and many other things for two years…

But now…

Like when the shower breaks 

And shoots pieces at my face…

Or when the dish washer breaks 

And floods the room 

I let people know…

And they actually fix it pretty fast. 

It’s an amazing thing. 
Having a dog is pretty cool 

Not many things in life 

Not even a cat…is going to jump down and shake their butt every time you walk in. 

It’s pretty great. 

And Simon wasn’t too bad to house train either .

He woke me up when he had diarrhea   that one very emotional time and this morning;when he kept pawing at my face and licking me…I thought “oh he has to go…ok.”

And so I’m putting on pants…

And he stood there looking at me…with his big dog  beagle eyes and ears…

And then proceeded to vomit 

Right beside my leg 

The biggest pile I have ever seen 

It had to be like twice his body mass 

It could have rivaled horse shit. 

But it was not….it was vomit. 

So yeah other than that he does really well about waking us up. 

And he loves the decorations. He just stares at them adoringly….

And I’m like “dude,you can’t even see colour.”  And he’s like …”so what …it glows and by the way, you don’t even have fur on your body…that’s pretty weird.” 

He loves the window 

Everyday when L goes to work he jumps up there and watches her leave. 

It’s really touching. You know what he does when I leave? 

Nothing, he jumps in the bed and naps with L. But he does love me. We cook together. 

And look for the UPS man.

You know how you sometimes buy things on line and say to yourself 

“It’s safe to ship to my house . She won’t see it.” 

Well, my super secret gift was not like that at all. I saw the truck and ran in ….Simon behind me. 

I get there and L had already carried them in. One huge box….with its name branded on the side so dark – cattle on the moon could read it.

Luckily there were two other packages. They meant  nothing to me. I tossed them at her as she walked in the door. Because I’m cool under pressure like that. And I quickly wrapped the gift. 

Luckily L does not wake up until she’s had five cups of coffee. 

Either that or she’s a really really good liar. But she maintains she saw nothing. Walking in hands spread with a “hey babe!” Me throwing boxes at her. How could she ? 

I’m a genius 

Not really.

But Christmas is going to be super. 

So just have fun with it.

And watch all the films 

And drink all the drinks.

I hope you all have a great one.

Thanks for all you do. 

And drink butter rum it’s pretty great. Even Simon stold some from my cup.