Ash

We are all living on the edge of the day
Out here
It’s what we know
If something good
This way should come
Would we even be able to get up to get it
We can’t even afford to make the break
For something better
——
What gold dust promise
Did they feed you
To put your mind to rest in the night
——
Under class
Coming in last
What broken bones
Did you learn to walk on
What pain did you put at the back of your mind
———
We grew up at the back of the line
We’ve always been
On welfare
We’ve always been waiting
For another
Just one more
Week
Day
Next
Next time will be better
Next love
Next job
Next life
—-
Next
—-
Paradise is out – there
Somewhere
——-
If help is out there
It’s too too late
All the power is off
All the food is gone
All the ills
And bills are due
All the panic is strong
All the history is gone
Does it look good on you?
They want you to stay quiet
But your words are all you’ve got
If I should fade
It’s all I’ve got
I’m leaving
I’m out of ideas
My weight left in the night
I’m not even hungry
I tried to get out
But you can’t even make the break
You’re so far behind
They shoot you at the gate
You try
There’s nothing to fall back on
My pulse is gone
My mind is fog
My heart is ash
My tongue is cut out
My blood is cold
It never let’s go
It never lets go
It never lets go
-Regardingsamuel.com

The last line

There was evil, and there was memory and who knows when you first meet either of the two. He knew he saw her standing in the woods in the dark when he was little. Her black dress…long hands…

That was when he saw the lights in the sky.

He saw her again when he was house sitting for his grandfather after his grandmother died. He could hear her long dress moving through the hall at night. Always just catching a glimpse of her entering the rooms.

The night his father died, he saw her through the window, sitting in the rocker. He knew then he had passed.

Maybe it was when he drove the long drive to his father in law to tell him he couldn’t love his daughter anymore…

He saw her then…

He kept hearing the words

Sick in the stomach

Weights around his neck

“You’re not the victim here, if you do this, it will end in destruction, you’re on a dangerous road.”

“He’s just lost. He’s lost.”

He sees her now, every night. In his door. Just like he did before…

She just stands there and then floats away. Sucking all of the light and air out of the room.

Who knows when you meet evil…

There was also a different figure

Blonde red hair

Blue eyes like stars

And fire wings

She was there when he had a seizure in a ditch

She was there, reading, when he was in the hospital, she was there always…

But lately she just smoked and made fun of his poetry…

He wondered if he would off himself

Or where any of these were headed

He wondered what any of this was…

If he was going to lose everything

If anything really ended in destruction

If he was even good

Really

He felt empty and numb

He wondered

If it was really possible to run out of time

Because he felt everything ending

And

What any of it was about

Second Bite (beer with the devil 3)

I had a dream I was drinking with the Devil again…

The bar fell quiet. The crowd of people but I felt some-one else moving through them. I could hear his hard soles on the floor…just shadow and cold.

⁃ I’m so glad you finally made it. It’s really been too long.

He spread his arms wide

⁃ You really out did yourself.

⁃ There is something else. I can feel it.

⁃ Who? Lou? Nah that’s just Death. He’s been here a long time. you’re not wrong. It’s passed the politician and the promises. The light show, you feel it too. You’re an old soul. That’s why I like artist. You feel us before we ever arrive. Like the weather.

⁃ Who is it?

⁃ Death, hates her. She’s a much older evil. She was here before the beginning. Before anything was written. Before the plan. She only serves herself.

I sat back and looked around the room. I felt like I was old. I felt like I was sifting.

I remembered old tent revivals

Dirt on the floor

I remembered thunderstorms

And mountain roads

A thin voice, eaten by tobacco and gin spoke

I didn’t even notice he had sat down.

-You’re sick. I can smell it in your blood. You’re losing weight. You can only endure so much pain.

Another voice spoke at the table. I hadn’t noticed she had sat down. She looked tired. Tattoos. A thick accent. She ashed her cigarette in my drink.

⁃ Shut up. He’s always been tired. You believe everyone is sick anyway.

⁃ You see, your vanity has you thinking the good is even with the evil. There’s no balance. You’re just as selfish as me. You want to be remembered and you want your Guardian here to be all powerful but we don’t work like that. Time is not linear. It’s brief and it’s quick and it’s over before you begin. And people will always choose the easiest paths. The comfortable. What they know. Thin love and a little poverty with a cold comfort.

⁃ I don’t think you really know people. I think people endure and grow and evolve.

⁃ Your vanity is showing…you have more of me in you than you realise. Hell is not a destination it’s here…demons are in you…heaven is just a warm memory…

I finished my drink…

-it’s always nice chatting…but we did make it. We did endure and we are still.

– I’m growing on you. You’re getting comfortable and alone. You don’t even see the changes. But I do.

I looked at Syl. She lit another cigarette. I looked back over and they all were gone. Per usual.

Sureness

Trust me
When I say
There will be things in life
You will be unsure of
Tax returns
Hummus
Avocados
Speed limits
Correct dates of Apts
The spelling of wed- whatever
But there are somethings
That you will NOT be unsure of
Love is one of them
What you bring to the table
Is one of them
You deserve

Chicken soup
On sick days
Massages
Sweaters
Dances in the kitchen
Showers together
Month long birthdays
And month long valentines
Sunday brunches
Christmas
Letters
Fresh flowers
Always
But uncertainty in love
And yourself
Is not one of them
So if they are uncertain
Just leave
Because you deserve sureness
You deserve
Everything you bring
And more
-Regardingsamuel.com

Sold down the river

But oh
When the kids ask
About the pictures
Stained
From the dirt and ash and tears and blood
You tell them the truth
——
From the dirt
We rose
Hearts of dust and rust
And thorns
And the banks kept calling
And all you had is what you had left
And any touch you had
Was just too far off
——
The love you had
Whatever love you held
Checked out
And you kicked them out
And patched the holes in the walls
They don’t come around here anymore
——
And we drank
To hide the shame
And the pain
And to feel nothing
——
That’s the thing
About being that far behind
They’re loading the chamber
You’re on the line
The bullseye
——
Sure it levels every man
Sure
It evens out in the end
If you survive
——
But out of time is out of time
Dust is dust
Whatever help
Was coming
Took too, too long
So you had your breakdown
You burned out
Because that’s the thing
Too late is too late
Out of time is out of time
——
Tell the kids that
You tell them how it really was
How you had to rebuild
Making bricks from mud and ash.

-E

Freedom

Maybe it’s too close
To the chest
We pick the weapons we know best
I’ll take the knives
That cut at my sides,
The dream.
She’ll take the chains
That she can break through,
Run.
Give us freedom,
Like the crow flies.
Give us freedom,
Like the sunrise.
Give us freedom,
From our nightmares,
Trash in the floor,
Because of a credit card accidentally thrown away.
Raised voices
Thrown chairs,
Slamming doors,
And words…
Words that you live and die by
Used against you.
Used to hurt eachother
In the darkness.
You get what you have,
Worse,
You get what you are
What you really are
And multiply….
Give us freedom
Like the crow flies
Give us freedom
From our last past, worse self
Give us freedom.
To live and die
Give us freedom from
My sickness
Freedom from
Lying in a bathtub with my own blood
Freedom from the weight loss
Freedom for my mind
Freedom
Give us freedom
Because I’m building
I’m working
I’m winning
And I refuse to give in
Freedom
-E

Dear you

Origin

Photo origin

I know you feel like nothing

I know you feel like you’re overwhelmed

On your own

Feel it

You’re doing better than you think you are

Alnitak, is the brightest class 0 star in the sky ….found in Orion’s Belt…

1,262 light years from earth

Your light

Even overwhelmed

Even isolated

Is like this blue super giant

I know you think there are thousands just like you….

But this is you

Keep going

You’re doing better than you think you are

You’re unique

You matter

And when I look across the city

When I look across the room

When I look…

I always see you

I don’t know how not to…

-E