Tag: depression

Solitude

I pulled the root out
I burned the ends of the rope
I carry the words
That hurt
The memory
Like compost
Made of cigarette ash
Inside of me
——-
I try to think long term
To make a plan
To have a vision
——-
Back and forth
I scrolled
With my hesitation
Like a newsfeed
Time,
Years slipped like sand
Into eternity
I watch the storms
I settle here
Like the earth
I sleep
Praying
Praying
To just be
Something
Better
Something other
than this
This fractured –
I hate this – ache
This selfish – pain
This – hurt
I walked in here
I will walk out
I will not be here
I will not die here
—-
I will sit with myself
What is it I am trying to say
What is it I am feeling
What is it
I want to leave behind
——
What is it
Who am I
Never again
Never again
Never again
——
The single note
Rings
From the piano in the attic
It echoes
One note
Solitary
Solitary
Solitude
-E

Interior blue

We make from the interior of sadness

Poetry

From the fires of life

We create art

I was inspired

To write this

After

Wanda Coleman’s poem “Wanda Why Aren’t You Dead”

It is not an attempt to replicate

It simply opened my eyes to bringing our demons to light

——

I am intrigued by you

I am curious about you

You make me nervous

I cannot put a label on you

Why do you dress the way you do

You always dress up

Why don’t you just relax

You’re not like anyone around here

Why are you still here

Why are you here, why haven’t you left yet …

You are not a writer

Don’t write about your pain

Write what you want to write

You don’t want to be a burden

Don’t whine

You stupid fuck

You’re not a real writer

You’re just like your father

You’re a failure

You’ll probably die young

You’re vomiting randomly

You’re probably dying

Crohns

Don’t be picky about your food

You ate potatoes growing up

You know, no one is really going to love you

No one is really going to be attracted to you

You’re too fucking weird

You’re probably even bad at sex

You’re a quitter

You quit your career

You left your marriage

You left your town

You’re running

You’re less than nothing

You will never be happy

Why are you still here?

You’re going to keep faking it

You’re too much for people

They are merely curious

Nothing else

Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

You know, no one else will ever want to sleep with you…

You’re too awkward

Your stomach

Your scar

Why does your stomach growl so much ?

Can’t you make it stop?

You’re too thin

Omg I hate thin guys

Why don’t you just let yourself have a dad bod

You work too much

You should relax

Just take all of your sleeping pills

Then you can relax

You know I’m going to kill you right?

You will probably die alone

Like your dad

Why are you even still here

Didn’t you go to college?

Oh my god, I feel so bad that you didn’t go to real school

You must be so dumb

There is nothing here for me

There’s no reason for me to be here

I hate everyone here

I feel like you’re suddenly your own person

You want your secrets and your life

You walked out

Quitter

You gave up

I thought you were different but you ended up being just like the rest of them, selfish trash.

You will never have a marriage like your grandparents

It’s not your fault

It’s not your fault

Love doesn’t have to hurt

You can let yourself have a flare up

You don’t have to write it funny

You can vomit as soon as you get home

And it just be a flare up

You can eat cheesecake

You can write how you feel

You are still you

You’re going towards something good

You are ok

You don’t have to be perfect

You don’t have to be perfect

You can be good

You can be good

You are enough

You tried your best

Your best was more than enough

Because it was still – you

You

Are

Someone’s

Something

Make someone’s day easier

Let them know when you think about them

You never know who you will lose

Let it go

You never know what’s coming for you

You are broken but still whole

Be here now

The lives we lived

All I know is how to be me
I know what I want
I know where I am going
I’m going forwards
——
I remember the night the tornadoes wrecked our home towns
I remember the night my dad died
I remember
Sitting in my car and making myself walk in the funeral home to look at my best friend who had died three days before …
I remember my grandmother dying from cancer and telling me about WWll
And my grandfather dying from heart ache after she passed
——
I’ve noticed everyone is into self help and therapy
And that’s great
——
But don’t forget to live
We are are promised nothing
You have to live -well, no you don’t…
But if you hope to at some future point
When things are better
When life is easier
After your healing
After the storm
After the divorce
Stop
Start today
Time is all we have and it’s Always running …

Keep your courage
Keep your strength
And face it

Live

Things that don’t suck 2

Things that don’t suck

Realising

You can still make amazing dinners

But for yourself,

Champagne, The Rat Pack, steak…

Not having the dinner thrown in the trash…

Not having someone get up and just leave or go to bed after you make it

Ties, tie clips, waistcoats, fedoras, hardsole shoes…

New jeans…

A cigar dipped in bourbon

Hennessy

A classic sidecar recipe

Jazz

Asus chord

Guitar

Cheesecake

Buying yourself flowers every month instead of someone else

Writing letters

Thunderstorms

Pasta (always pasta)

Setting goals

Crushing goals

Walking your dog

Accepting that you were a good husband

And forgiving yourself for what you did in survival mode…

Watching the sunrise

Bleeding Ink #1,477

Some years ask questions

Some years ask for sacrifice

Hold on now, the truth is coming in

——-

Like the tide now,

Some water is deeper

Some hearts are stone

Sunlight is easy

When it’s on her face

Sometimes your city

Burns before your eyes

——-

Some years ask questions

There’s a kid with batteries

He’s playing Star Trek

Red on black

Black on gold

He doesn’t know he’s poor

He just knows he’s happy

When the sun goes down

———

I’ve carried this darkness

Since before my father died

I was there that night

I read his old letters

I cast his demons aside

Some questions get answered

Some you just have to lay down

———

I still see this darkness

I know it will take me

It’s just a matter of when

Some things I won’t understand

But we all are running out of time

I just keep laying words down

——-

They said they found him

With two shotgun shells

Some things are too too heavy

I stood there asking

Was it the darkness

Or was it his heart?

Sometimes you’re happy

And lady

When you smile….

Half of me is sun

Half of me is moon

I learned to live with this darkness

Some days are nightfall

Some days you just have to look for the light

——-

Some years….

Some years

Lady you’re a free girl now

You just keep walking

You’ll make it

A pocketful of questions

A handful of stones that you lay down….

Bleeding ink 1,462

I’ve been writing every single day since 2011
Over 1,500 (roughly, it could be more like 3k) scraps of paper,notebooks, and posts…

Life is going to happen
But you get back up
You keep walking forwards
I try to make art
No matter what
Whether I’m ready or not
Most of the time
I’ve been terrified
Depressed
And felt very alone

You can’t listen to those voices

You have two people inside you
Everything you believe you can be
And those other voices …

Go make good art.
Your art.

Surround yourself with people who lift you up. I’m thankful for my circle.

Dear you

Dear you

Take a moment

To celebrate your wins

You’ve made it this far

Be proud of yourself

And your success

The goals you’ve crushed

This is your life…

You’re living it

Right here, in the now

And if you’re wondering

You’ve been heard

You’re not alone

Your feeling are valid

Even the earth is overwhelmed

at times

And drops a storm for 72 hours

Flooding

Just to wipe the slate clean

And start again

You’re not alone

Even stars burn out

They have to die

To be born again

These do not quietly fade away

The do not sit alone in the dark night

They must be heard

They must be seen

They shake the heavens

With a supernova

Giving birth to other stars

You

You matter

You have more atoms in your eye

Than all the stars in the known universe ….

Maybe this is why we feel so young

Maybe this is why

We feel so old ….

We’ve been here before

But this love

This life

This heart

The fire in your eyes

Has burned with the sun

You matter

This is what legacy’s are made of

These victories

I want to celebrate with you

I want to guard your dreams

Dear you

Keep moving forward

That’s how progress is made

Three steps forward

Two back

Overall

Progress

Bleeding Ink (drowning)

This room slowly fills with water

I’m adrift

Not at peace

Just adrift

Hollowed gray

My insides have long burned out

As have my eyes

I listen to the words in my head

The birds of prey

Fall from this night sky

—-

Similar

(Whispers)

(Voices)

Echoes

From outside the door

I can feel myself

Getting bad again

I am becoming

The me

That you never

knew

He hasn’t been around much

I am trying

Against all pain

The room drowns out

All the daylight

I keep giving away …

Giving away

I’m going away

(I’ll never say)

(Hiding)

It’s all so clear

The room disappears

—-

And all the time

Falls from the clock in the kitchen

Where we hid our weapons

Even you

Can use

And

I won’t confess

It’s a drowning

I’ll write no words

All this time

All this time…

Post card from desolation road (it’s all over now)

She called me late

rain

Settled in her hair

The cool cool air

chilled me inside

my bones

And I kept thinking

About the ocean blue

Where the sun warmed our skin

but now

it’s all sold

And it’s so cold

we’re all so lonely now …

if it’s just the same to you…

And she was calm and she was cool

Her face was set

She lit another cigarette

Against the coming storm

You couldn’t help but think about all of the men

Who let this beast of burden in

The blatant loud disregard hung in the air like cigar

Filling old newspaper rooms

They’re empty now

Just like me

Just like you

You know we can’t go back

We’ve crossed all of these old bridges

We’re fighting ghosts

In our restless hands

She wrote me

And she didn’t know what to say

She only knew the way she felt

And

How everything has turned to grey

And there’s one too many full moons

In the sky tonight

Still

Here I am

My pen and my Gin

Thinking about how there

Was a time

A brief time

When we

Looked bright

In the springtime

But now

I think

We are destined

To be the lonely

Filling the empty

Shells of buildings

With dreams of a future

Foreclosed

On desolation road

That Golden Highway

Runs from here to the salt in the sea

Don’t look now

It’s turned to desolation road…

And all of our daughters

And all of our sisters

Woke up today

With less than they had yesterday

Better not think too much about it

Better not get too used to it

it’s just life on desolation road.

Photo by Ethan Bethune