On our way

1

You think the Apex of all pain is losing a parent…

You tell yourself, ok, this is it…nothing could hurt more than this – (losing a parent or a divorce etc)

And then you lose a brother…

And there’s such fresh pain

Pain you can’t even understand

It’s just there…

In such a way

That it feels so unfair

it levels the field

You feel

Cheated from something

You don’t even understand

——

2

There’s no order

To this madness

You think

Ok, there’s parents you’ll lose

You prepare for that

But losing a sibling

Is so different

Whether you’re close or not

You really understand the brevity of everything

It wakes you up

From the grind

From the hustle

And you look around you

And you see

How quickly and randomly

All of this can go away

——

3

This funeral home

Where our father was

Where all of us end up

Through our history

Whatever we may do

We end up here

How strange that

We won’t be living

This ache

This invisible target

We really don’t know

—-

4

How complex

How layered

We take things so personally

I remember losing our father and I thought it was all so personal

And it was

In its way

But there is always hurt

Beyond what you see

There is always layers

There are years

Entire decades

Of complexities and issues

That we know nothing about

It’s all so blurred

The lines

We think it starts and ends with us

A moment in time

But it’s layered

Traits, ethics, work, talents, looks, pain, old pain, new pain, life …

I lit a cigarette and I smoked it

I probably shouldn’t have

But I wanted cheesecake

And didn’t have it

And I felt that I was overthinking

——

-E

Regardingsamuel.com

Seasons

They would have you believe
That you are somehow broken
Or less than …
That your healing must be purchased
This program
That therapy
the receipts of your self work
Don’t hate them for it
Everything is marketing
But know
Some things are still free
Are still yours
Autonomy
Pride
Responsibility
Ownership
You have control of your life
How great that you can change
In a moment
You can begin to live the life you see for yourself
Divorce cost more than marriage
And it gets stuck in your head
That the key to your freedom
can be bought
That your freedom is somehow in someone else’s hands
Therapy
Yoga
Religions
Diets
Gyms
Ads
Relationships
Dating apps
It’s all like a Rubik’s Cube
Of self help and programs
But it’s – maybe- giving away your power
——
Some things just take time
Accept that the you in today
Will still be with you somehow
In the you of tomorrow
Make peace with this
And begin
It just takes time
But you do arrive
There is no short cut
Change happens slowly and all at once
You were the best in that moment
wife
Husband
Partner
Parent
Etc
That you knew how to be
And you will be a little better tomorrow
But it can’t be purchased
The mistakes
And missteps
The losses
They all make you better
The people who know you
And help you
Make you better
Everything takes time
Brick by brick
Step by step
Little by little
Day by day
Word for word
Habit for habit
But you can begin
And your soulmate
If there is such a thing
Is not out there waiting for a journal of all your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them
And notes form your therapy sessions
They are not another purchase
Or exchange to be made …
That’s a transaction
They are on the journey
They are building
Time
Time
Like a garden
Growing
There is no short cut for the seasons
—-
What life do you want
What life do you see
You get to choose
every day
You get to begin
—-
-E
Regardingsamuel.com

High

We say we want and deserve
High value partners
Premier standards…
But do we even deserve that?
What assets do we bring to the table? Really?
Look at who we surround ourselves with?

It’s easy to be with partners with no vision and no goals and no standards…

You know what to expect
And there’s no standards
You’ll never let them down
And you look pretty great in their environment

But a high value partner
Has standards
Suddenly
Having your shit together
Showing up on time
Doing the bare minimum ?

Is it not called the bare minimum for a reason ?
Really…
You have your own place ?
You listen and support?
You show up on time?
You can cook?
You can dress yourself?
You have a job?
Your car doesn’t impress them?
X Y Z etc

You’re supposed to have those things together
It’s just being an adult …

What else do we bring to the table
Why should they be with us?
What do they really gain

The bare minimum requires zero talent

How am I getting better every day
How am I growing
What am I doing
Really
What are my assets

Becaus whatever I’m doing
Is direction
That’s the path I’m walking
Not what I’m thinking while I’m walking it
Not what I’m saying
But what I’m doing

It’s terrifying

High value requires greatness from us
It pushes you
It does not let you sit still
It does not allow you to just be good enough
It requires the best from you
Every day
Consistency
Not convenience
Not your bad habits
Not your moods
Not your selfishness

It’s easy to let high value down
It’s easy to mess up
And realize you may not be
Everything you think you are

Do we really want what we think we want?
Really?
Or do we want to stay comfortable
In a environment that asks nothing from us
But to just show up – maybe – IF we feel like it…

Go ahead
You can shoot your shot
And get the date

But are you ready to be consistent
Do you really want what you think you want …

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Work

We romanticized the work
—-
Relationships and love
It’s such a shame
The game
Saying
fooled again
But who’s to blame
When the weapon’s
Hid in both our hands
All is fair in love and war…
——
Love
Passion
And desire
Broken heart over fire
——
Wasted on the young
Broken hearts and casual casualties
——
Someone new this way comes
Out of touch
Out of time
Better hold yours and mine
——
The work is work
And it hurts
To hurt
to die
Time after time
Ache in the decades
Try to understand
Try to understand
We don’t know what we become
Where we will be
You
Me
It’s gonna be
Work
It’s gonna be work
It’s gonna be a long time
To get what you really want
What you really need
—-
There’s no quick wit
Remedy
Yoga trick
Fast tongue and cheek fantasy
——
It’s a short hour from here to eternity
But it’s a long walk
Covering eachother from the weather
If you get what I really mean

-Regardingsamuel.com

Night is down

Full dark
No stars
The mind is lost
When
Love is blind
The night is down
She took me to Venus
With tea in her room
I’ve tried to get to you
You tried to figure me out
She said she’s got to get out
a new scene
A new town
Everything changes
When everyone stays the same
——
Full dark
No stars
The night is down
New streets
New names
But you’re still you
Is it really better now
——
I’ve got to get to you
I’ve got to get to you
The mind is lost
When love is blind
Is it really better now
Is it really better now

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

These mountains (oh children)

I was young

So much younger

Younger back then

A four minute sermon

In that church in the valley

Struggling to keep the words from running away

Like my soul

So often will

——

See that young man

In my mind

I am still him

Selling things on the highway,

as a child,

See

The couple, they are fighting…

And she hands me a notepad

Asking for me to write words

That I can not find …

Love is a garden, and you can’t harvest what you won’t grow…

—-

See the man

Trying to drown

All the pain in his eyes

My son

My daughter

My children

——

We were young

In that country

the storm’s rolling over

Putting words in these hands

The notebooks

And a broke piano

To keep them hemmed

—-

Now the world keeps on changing

Emotions,they are re-arranging

And the high doesn’t last

She’s intrigued

And curious

She’s never met an artist

With a southern sound

the ability

To outlast her California high

But I’m afraid

That I can’t stay

For my mountains they call me back

It’s in the highways

And the valleys

It’s a grit from my families old stills

And I’m afraid

She doesn’t understand

Some things

You can’t grow out here…

my sons

My sons

Don’t give yourself away

Keep your grit

Keep your faith

Keep your eyes

On these mountains

Even while you are away

Let me see

Let me stand

Let me find

My heart in my homeland

The old moonshine country

Where we live what we feel

Where we outlast

What would kill

Oh my son

My daughter

My foolish youth

I wish I could shield you

From

How a heart

Caves in like the coal mines

Standing in your empty house

Where your dreams

Your ideals

Your heart beat

And your breath

Held its last

And you swore you would not become a tombstone

As you pack all the boxes

With fractured breath

It’s just memories

Of a love that slowly died

Go to stand

In the silence

Of your cemetery

And

All that feels empty

An ideal

This house once was a home

Like the distilleries from the past ….

Oh my son

Keep your eyes

Fixed

Where a heart

Cannot drown

God bless the hands that built

All of those mines

Those stills

the homes

And these mountains

From the sand

Keep your grit

Keep your faith

Keep your eyes

Set

On all

That still stands

Now

Go

Go

When life tears you down

rebuild

See that you stand

Like these mountains

With skies in your eyes

Go

Go

And

Rebuild

With a future and a life

And carry this grit with you

It will burn warm in the night

-E

Regardingsamuel.com

Live what you believe

It’s national poetry month,
I’m thankful,
For so much,
I think the older I get,
The more I understand the need for quiet peace
For solitude
I’m thankful for writing
For art
I’m thankful for friends
I’m thankful for a career
That enables me to pursue my art
And supplies associates like me, with the tools we need to level up.
Not only with benifits but with off time, Vacation time,
Vaccines, healthcare, raises, retirement, training and goal setting,
I got vaccinated today,
I work in a major city,
I’ve seen everyone so burned out
I just hope
I hope
I hope you level up
I hope you reach your goals
I hope you dream in art
I hope you make the art you dream of
I hope you continue
I hope you continue
Calmly
Quietly
Succeeding
And winning
But mostly
Living
Living and loving
I hope
You win
I hope we all do
And why shouldn’t we?
What else is there?
-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Oceans

Bring all of the broken pieces to light, are we doing alright?
Empty inside….
Like all of these open roads…
Detached,
Religions said to deny what’s inside,
Culture said conform and get in line…
We can’t feel what’s left to –
We all keep –
caving….
Empty vessels ….
Out on these open roads
——
There has to be some kind of beauty
Some kind of lines worth writing
Were we not shaped by light?
Held by truth?
Grown by love ?
By love
My love
My love
Love…
Around these open roads
This house is burning
all of these broken pieces …
We used to be fighters but now
We feel so empty
Detached from any identity
Any kind of sense of self
Worth saving…
Were we not shaped by light
Held by truth
Grown by love
By love
My love
My love
Love…
——
All is fair in love and war
——
Hold to me through your night
Until you’re doing alright
It’s just open roads
It’s just memory
And sensory
It’s just time
In that jar of sand
You are light
You are eternity
And everything is passing
But you are beginning
You matter
You are all the borders to the ocean
You are the depths we haven’t seen yet
The quilting to the universe
You are identity
Autonomy
Beauty
And hope ….
You are beginning….
Just beginning…

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Tides

I didn’t know what to write

Was hung up on a line

I knew the world was bleak

I had experienced moments of happiness

But

I’ve always been engaged
To suicide
I just never got the vows right
I can’t explain that either

The claws in your back

Controlling you , grooming you, like a puppet

Rivers of blood

The parasites in your ear

Driving you mad

The blindness

The mad years

——-

Six strings under

Filled with earth

Void

Of soul

And worth

——-

I dreamed about the time they gathered all the art

No laws were broken

Only changed

And called it worthless

Censored

How dare artist make so much money for lines across a canvas

While the working man starved

A child could do this, it doesn’t even give anything to society, it doesn’t lift up…

—-//

Let me tell you….

Religion says to deny yourself

Culture says to conform yourself

Art says to free yourself

If there is gods or god

Yes

There is a madness

But there has always been an autonomy

A breath of a prayer

A single drop of ink

A line

That cuts the page

It speaks life

While you believe you are dead

It speaks hope

While you believe you are hopeless

It is art

It is autonomy

It is your voice

It is your vision

It is yours

Significantly yours

——

I kept thinking about these things

And I kept dreaming them too

I didn’t want to lose parts of myself

I didn’t want to lose any of myself

Maybe this is what you write

When you think too deeply

Maybe this is what you write

When you don’t know what to write

-E