I can’t tell you any other story
the way I lived it
the way I saw it
I recall telling a friend once that it felt like it would take two years to fully explain it.
Well, that is not entirely true..it’d take about fifteen minutes.
My story could be a bad one..I guess i could go into long detail ..but I choose not to.
We all have one ..it’s not a new story.
I spent the younger years of my life in over 20 churches because my dad wanted it that way .
this built a tendency to leave inside of me ..we’d come we’d go ..relationships..people..business..it’s just the way we did things.
My dad doesn’t let people in..
if you meet him you speak of three subjects
in that order
he says he isn’t racist or prejudice
yet he also says things like
“don’t talk to that girl she isn’t from here..they do things differently over there”
he seriously said that to me when I was 17
that’s all I know about my dad.
and I worked with him all my life
I preached so he would see me.
I worked so he would see me.
But I still don’t know what he thinks about when he’s sitting in his chair.
I don’t know how he is going to respond to a question ..
and I should.
if you know someone ..you can anticipate how they are going to respond ..
You should be comfortable ..
you shouldn’t have to fight for affection or attention .
not if it’s real.
real love is given ..not pulled out of someone.
I moved out when I was 19
I wasn’t mad
I was just ready ..
and I was immediately overwhelmed
we never learned how to deal with emotions
we never learned how to work through things
we never dated anyone
we never made plans on leaving
if we had a problem we just prayed.
while that is good, it doesn’t just make things go away.
( this is sounding really creepy . but. it is Halloween )
I don’t know what I would have done had a friend not stepped in and helped me out.
Helped me plan. helped me adjust .
I know I wouldn’t be here .
not sane anyway.
I could see it in his eyes
the absolute hate
whenever i came to visit
with all his silence it seemed he was saying even less these days
finally one day i saw too much
I saw the strength of a man break a woman
I felt the words and the manipulation
I fought hard to pretend I didn’t see it.
But after I held it in too long it broke me.
I had spent my whole life trying to make someone I didn’t even know happy.
and here I was and I didn’t even know myself.
I stepped between
him and mom
and in the next moment found myself pinned against a wall
I’ve never been able to forget the look in his eyes ..
after that and among other things
I talked with mom and later helped her leave
He never knew it was me..
I tried to stay close
but it was futile
I ended up standing up to him
and letting him know exactly how I felt .
I regret many things
But I’ve never regretted that .
I don’t hate my dad.
to me ..he will always smell like pepper mint
and always be sitting in his chair watching TV
he will always be dressed up like Santa on Christmas .
and he will always be old.
you see I didn’t realize things were all that bad..until I was grown and on my own.
so most of my memories are good ones.
My point is..all of these things..
I hated myself for hating myself
I couldn’t look in the mirror because I saw my dad
I hated the fact that no matter what I did
everything I touched felt my pain
I had no desire to live
But then something happened
I remembered a verse I had read a long time ago
” I know in whom I have believed, and am fully persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto that day” 2 Timothy 1:12 The Bible
it clicked right along with Moses on the mountain asking God to show him his Glory
I stopped ..
I know religion I know the face of religion
I know how to fake it. I’ve been there I’ve done that
I’ve touched the frayed edges I’ve sat up late at night for hours just to take it in.
I’ve seen the people come and the faces fade before they waste-away
I’ve seen so many things I feel like im forty ( because you know ..being 22 I know exactly what 40 is gonna feel like .can really relate to that one )
But in the face of all of this..
I walked into the Church one night ..
I sat down and cried for how long? i don’t even know
All I’ve seen is what not to be..
How not to love
How not to live
I could have faked it ..
I know how
I stayed away i stayed silent because
I couldn’t walk in there and tell God
You have all of me
when I knew he really didn’t
I couldn’t do that
so you see, saying nothing, was really saying so much more ..
But now I see
it doesn’t matter anymore what goes on around me
I know in whom I have believed ..I ..not them
I have believed and I am convinced ..that it is enough .
and that is all I need.
I may never be able to tell my dad when I get a promotion at work
Or when I fall in love
Or simply talk to him like I should be able to
then again..I’ve never been able to talk to him about any of those things
after looking back on it all
I am convinced that I have been a good son .
I did the best I could.
and that is enough.