The Writer

It’s said that Samuel knew Gods voice…

And God told Samuel, how long will you mourn ?

Go ….I’m already preparing something better for you.

And

and

David

David was a regular guy,

After God’s own heart

Chasing God’s favor?

No

Just a writer

Doing his best with the little ordinary things …

He failed

He lost

He was last

He got up again

And he kept going

I’ve always wanted to be like that

like samuel

Able to hear God in the stillness

Like David

Just doing my best to honor him

I don’t want anything profound

I just want this

Something private

Something mine

So I wake up

And I write

And there is this panic

How long will you mourn?

How long will you mourn?

Get back up…

It’s not what it looks like

There’s something better ….

The Dustbowl

Let hell be barred

His saved ones

Know his voice

And he calls them by name….

Somewhere

In the deepest darkest corners

Of the mind

We’ve lost ourselves

And an entire generation

We’ve been so lost

With politics

Politicians

What is truth?

Suddenly faith

Becomes stranger than fiction

Four years flies by and we forget how to think

God forbid I fail to pray for you

We say Jesus could never be!

He was murdered, he was a good man, well meaning, but he died.

We forget the earth trembled to take him…

We forget the power…of the blood…

We forget that he was not relaxing

Writing a memoir for those three days…

He was in hell…

Taking the keys ….

Jesus said,

In case you forget,

“I freely lay down my life.”

Let that sink in

“And so I am free to take it up again. No one takes it from me. I lay it down of my own free will. I have the right to lay it down; I also have the right to take it up again. I received this authority personally from my Father.”

We want something that feels good

We want something that looks good

But meanwhile the world is confused and burning

Because no one is standing in the gap

Reaching across the breach

Shaking them lose

We have no Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednegos

who are cast into the furnace but do not burn

We have no Elijah

Praying

So there is no

fire of the LORD to fall and burn up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and the water in the trenches…

There has got to be someone

in this land

Who like Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Understands

It’s the world we leave for our children

And

“If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.”

There is a faith

A calm assurance like David and Jonathan, saying perhaps God will give us favor today…

“I know in whom I have believed, and am fully persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.”

We want what we want and we want it now.

We want to talk about the end times

But we haven’t even got enough oil. To make it past noon…

Let Hell be barred, God be right and Everyman a liar. Give us someone with a fire in their bones.

God spoke and put flesh on dry bones ,

Supplied enough for the Israelites in the desert and lead them with a pillar of fire…

But we can’t even wear a mask.

And we think we are prepared

For such a time as this

We think we are ready

For such a time as this

We get so angry

Over religion

And politics

And

We have all our faith in one man

In Washington

And expect him to meet us where we are and fix this nation….

Maybe it’s not Washington

Maybe it’s not school

Maybe it’s not suicide

Maybe it’s not streaming

Maybe it’s not social media

Maybe it’s not your parents

Or your zip code

Or your salary

Maybe it’s because once upon a time

In Steinbeck’s dustbowl there was a people that knew his voice and could not be moved

And they were his saved ones

And he provided a way….

You can’t hit a target you can’t see…

But you can get up and start walking

And God can provide enough light

For just the next step

And that will make the journey…

God told Samuel to stop mourning….

And he anointed David….

But it was another ten years before he became king…at the age of 30…

Your chapter is not your story.

Maybe the same God that caused a great bang and split the atom and bled the universe that is still expanding

And lay down his life just to raise it up again after wrestling the serpent in hell for three days….to claim victory over the sting of death…

Who turns and looks upon you when you pray ….

The same God that called David

The same God

Who prayed until his sweat became blood….

He is preparing something better…

But we can’t function without WiFi

And we want to put our trust in politicians

And we want to put our trust in systems that fade away

And we want what we want

And we don’t even know what that is

But we want it right now….

I have faith, lord, help our unbelief….

Father

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It’s been two years
Since my father died
Just this month …

You don’t think about
Time passing
About growing up
Or about how everything
Is different now
You don’t think about him
Whenever old men
Harass young women
And you take them outside
And get in their face
You don’t
Think about all the driving lessons
When you almost wrecked your car
Or how you finally
Learned how to write
Without being angry
You don’t think
Everything just levels
And time moves
And you really start to live
Understanding that
We all are flawed

2014 is going to be…

Whatever you make it
That’s right
Whatever you make it
I don’t believe completely in resolutions .
I do believe in goals
And tracking your success
But I think the most important thing is – and not that I’m successful and one to be talking – consistency .
Don’t quit .
Keep moving forward ….
Movement is movement .
Be smart , be brave , be intelligent …
Be so authentic , iridescent, that nothing else compares to you – but you . That’s original .
Be creative , be adventurous .
Be open . Be curious . Not judgmental .

I don’t really care for what you believe ….
I just want to know you .
And it’s the same with everyone else .
You can’t receive people if you judge them .
Let them leave their fingerprints all over who you become .
Let the earth get into your skin
And change you .
The way you think
The way you sleep
The way you walk .

Just be original .
Your own .
Do not be swayed
keep walking .
Keep looking up .
Keep taking chances .
Even if it looks bad.
Carpe Diem .
That’s what I believe .

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Living with Crohn’s

I have Crohn’s disease … I don’t know that I have ever mentioned it before . But I do . I know this, because when I was 18, I fell over at work with stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital. 7 days and a 22 inch resection of my small intestine,later. I was sent home . I very nearly died.

Earlier this year, I woke up with similar pain.
I knew exactly what to do , go to the hospital and prepare to die . I was totally prepared too… my gut was killing me , swollen , like a rock. The nurse gave me morphine … Which did nothing. 15 minutes later, I was ready to kill myself and then them . When asked how I was feeling , between 1 to 10. I said “pain ? It’s about a solid 13. ” well,that’s odd , I thought we just gave you morphine ”
“Oh funny thing. I was on a morphine drip once so , you know , it’s not working . ”
They came back with something they called ” just the thing ” and it lit up the back of my brain like the 4th of July burning my nose …. I was chill , man . Chill . But totally prepared to die .

My doctor was obviously more of an optimist than myself .. He chose to keep me for a few days and keep giving me what I now called ” the good stuff ” for pain , along with some other stuff .
I had an obstruction and inflammation … It was serious .. My stomach had shut completely down . All systems , NO .

Had I had surgery, I could have died, or live a life forever altered – in ways I don’t like to think about .
But Dr optimist and his plan worked ..over time, All systems No. Changed to, All systems GO . And I was ready to live again . I was told,however, if I didn’t change my habits and see a dr regularly my life expectancy would be 29 to 30 .

Crohn’s is hard to explain …
It’s inflammation , all through your body . Affecting all your major organs – even the ones you don’t think about . Ongoing inflammation , untreated, turns to cancer in about 10 years .
So you have a few flare ups every few years , a couple surgeries . Boom cancer then you die . At least that’s how I heard it. At the time .

I’m 24 … This shouldn’t be a problem but it is . I don’t know why .

However , I changed my diet , I eat living food . Salads , fish , I even drink wine … An occasional vodka to keep my anxiety down . And I take my meds .
But the biggest thing is, sleep.

your body rebuilds itself through sleep so much so , that after so many years … 7 or 11 ? all your cells have been replaced or should be . Sleep , but only deep sleep . without sleep – you die. Another equally important thing is – working out . Work- your – core . Even if you feel like shit . Work your core . Drink water , lots of water . Oceans Of it.All seven seas . you can never have too much water .

Working out fights depression , helps your heart , and your core , it fights inflammation and keeps you feeling better – period . But I still take my meds. Now an interesting side note -sex does the same things … It does … Fights stress , heart disease , depression .. Cancer . I just found that interesting .

Back to the subject . My dad and everybody else in my bloodline was diabetic . So I was always praying ” god don’t let me get that … Or anything else related to it ”
Never saw this coming .
But it is what it is
So there you go .
I have Crohn’s disease …
I’m one in a number
Take care of your body
If you don’t , who will ? .
You only get one .

The food we eat matters
The decisions we make
Touches everyone close to us
Not just us
Food builds cells , which builds us .
It will either make you or break you .

Life is such an adventure
It’s made for people like us
The romantics
The journalist
The foodies
The storytellers

It would be a shame to waste it
Inside a hospital

I’ve been to the edge , I know what it is to be unhealthy .
I’d really like to know the other side
My goal is to see just how healthy a man can be
How long can I live ?
There’s too many things for me to do
So much of the world I haven’t seen
I’m just getting started .

Crashings

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For as long as I can remember I have been reaching …something I may never catch ….it’s like attempting to catch a star like a firefly …the frustration – it seems to be so attainable – so possible – I feel my dreams  as rivers breaking dams in my chest as they catch in my throat  and overwhelm me – I want something more – success? maybe .

I wish to be a better man than what I have seen , to stand at the crusted tip  of the earth and walk into the sun .

catching falling I swim the depth of eternity  with the wind at my back  all of it’s chaos all of it’s madness pieces falling around me –  tearing from me .

I will return to this – things falling apart . I know myself , my depths my broken limbs and burning strengths.  Owning my purpose – though parts of me shall always be broken .I will always be thankful .

Paperless love

I can’t tell you any other story

Only mine.

the way I lived it

the way I saw it

I recall telling a friend once that it felt like it would take two years to fully explain it.

Well, that is not entirely true..it’d take about fifteen minutes.

My story could be a bad one..I guess i could go into long detail ..but I choose not to.

We all have one ..it’s not a new story.

I spent the younger years of my life in over 20 churches  because my dad wanted it that way .

this built a tendency to leave   inside of me ..we’d come we’d go ..relationships..people..business..it’s just the way we did things.

My dad doesn’t let people in..

if you meet him you speak of three subjects

politics

sports

God

in that order

he says he isn’t racist or prejudice

yet he also says things like

“don’t talk to that girl she isn’t from here..they do things differently over there”

he seriously said that to me when I was 17

that’s all I know about my dad.

really,

and I worked with him all my life

I preached so he would see me.

I worked so he would see me.

But I still don’t know what he thinks about when he’s sitting in his chair.

I don’t know how he is going to respond to a question ..

and I should.

if you know someone ..you can anticipate how they are going to respond ..

You should be comfortable ..

you shouldn’t have to  fight for affection or attention .

not if it’s real.

real love is given ..not pulled out of someone.

I moved out when I was 19

I wasn’t mad

I was just ready ..

and I was  immediately overwhelmed

we never learned how to deal with emotions

we never learned how to work through things

we never dated anyone

we never made plans on leaving

if we had a problem we just prayed.

while that is good, it doesn’t just make things go away.

( this is sounding really creepy . but.  it is Halloween )

I don’t know what I would have done had a friend not stepped in and helped me out.

Helped me plan. helped me adjust .

I know I wouldn’t be here .

not sane anyway.

I could see it in his eyes

the absolute hate

whenever i came to visit

with all his silence it seemed he was saying even less these days

finally one day i saw too much

I saw the strength of  a man break a woman

I felt the words and the manipulation

I fought hard to pretend I didn’t see it.

But after I held it in too long it broke me.

I had spent my whole life trying to make someone  I didn’t even know  happy.

and here I was and I didn’t even know myself.

I stepped between

him and mom

and in the next moment found myself pinned against a wall

I’ve never been able to forget the look in his eyes ..

after that and among other things

I talked with mom and later helped her leave

He never knew it was me..

I tried to stay close

but it was futile

I ended up standing up to him

and letting him know exactly how I felt .

I regret many things

But I’ve never regretted that .

I don’t hate my dad.

to me ..he will always smell like pepper mint

and always be sitting in his chair watching TV

he will always be dressed up like Santa on Christmas .

and he will always be old.

you see I didn’t realize things were all that bad..until I was grown and on my own.

so most of my memories are good ones.

My point is..all of these things..

overwhelmed me

I hated myself for hating myself

I couldn’t look in the mirror because I saw my dad

I hated the fact that no matter what I did

everything I touched felt my pain

I had no desire to live

But then something happened

I remembered a verse I had read a long time ago

” I know in whom I have believed, and am fully persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto that day”  2 Timothy 1:12 The Bible

it clicked right along with Moses on the mountain asking God to show him his Glory

I stopped ..

I know religion I know the face of religion

I know how to fake it. I’ve been there I’ve done that

I’ve touched the frayed edges I’ve sat up late at night for hours just to take it in.

I’ve seen the people come and the faces fade before they waste-away

I’ve seen so many things I feel like im forty ( because you know ..being 22 I know exactly what 40 is gonna feel like .can really relate to that one )

But in the face of all of this..

I walked into the Church one night ..

I sat down and cried for how long? i don’t even know

All I’ve seen is what not to be..

How not to love

How not to live

I could have faked it ..

I know how

but

I stayed away i stayed silent because

I couldn’t walk in there and tell God

You have all of me

when I knew he really didn’t

I couldn’t do that

so you see, saying nothing, was really saying so much more ..

But now I see

it doesn’t matter anymore what goes on around me

I know in whom I have believed ..I ..not them

I have believed and I am convinced ..that it is enough .

and that is all I need.

I may never be able to tell my dad when I get a promotion at work

Or when I fall in love

Or simply talk to him like I should be able to

then again..I’ve never been able to talk to him about any of those things

after looking back on it all

I am convinced that I have been a good son .

I did the best I could.

and that is enough.

I have no title for this

I worked on a very wealthy man’s property the other day,  an engineer of some-kind.. I always find myself thinking the same questions when I meet people..or work on their land..questions like : who lives here? How are they doing ? I mean sure they have this million dollar house..but is it a – Home?

I see all of the  land –  they  may be at the top of the business market out here on the street. but what’s their  life-like after they  walk inside that door? Are they happy with the things  they’ve done? are they satisfied? are they still dreaming? what would they do different?  sure he has a library the size of my home..but does he use it?

Now I have  no issue with wealth or making wealth..I personally enjoy making money. unfortunately, I also enjoy spending money.  But my point is ..it’s people people’s lives that matter

Is it possible that we spend so much time picking others apart climbing over them chasing a dream …that we miss the fact that they are indeed human – just like us –  somewhere Mr Jones has a home and a wife..he has stress just like you..his markets are down..just like yours..is he able to pay for his home? is he doing ok? do we know?  do we really?

Do we really know?

Why can ‘t we just get to know people, What’s so hard about shaking someones hand and talking with them . what’s so hard about going the extra mile to show that you care..you’re  no one in particular..but you’re someone who cares. Most people give ( if they are like me and I pray you are not ) a pat answer ..Oh Im fine , I’m alright , doing well , man .  but if you look again ..and ask again..  They give up , you’ve already gone further than most. Now that is no formula and everybody is different. My point is  – make sure those around you know you care and  what they mean to you. Think about it. We spend half our time convincing people we’re ok  almost as if one day we’re gonna convince ourselves the same. We can’t it’s not going to happen .

We don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives..but we can love people , We can simply be there. We can learn from each-other and of each-other. We can let those impacting our lives know what they mean to us..before it’s too late. No one is perfect..and that’s ok

we all need love ..we don’t need another sermon ..we need  to be touched by a hand that cares. we don’t need someone quoting scripture..we need to see someone else that has walked on the dark side of the moon . we are not fooling God  and we are not fooling anyone else either. only ourselves.  Give me someone who will walk through this mess with me, give me someone who will help me see myself inside of that stranger in the mirror. And when you do..Help me to be the kind of friend a friend would like to have.  That’s what this is about. and that’s what I fear we’ve been missing.

But that’s just me.