30 for 30 #9

His alarm clock blinked 3am 

He had an old clock 

From 1996 

With big red letters 

He had tried an old iPhone 

For a few years 

But he liked having his things prioritised 

Alarm clock 



Everything else was just a fad 


If he lost the damn thing …

He looked in the mirror 

When did he get so old ?

One minute 

He was young 

Getting married

Going to work everyday 

He tried to think …

What was it like?

He didn’t know

The next minute 

They were old

What did they do?

What did they like?

They scrolled on their phones?

For what?


Now everyone used something else 

Fb faded away for snapchat after it had more dead accounts than live ones…and then snapchat went to another thing

What had been so important?

Other people’s lives?

The best he could recall everyone was miserable 

And just trying their best

And now?

Everyone that was left was old 

Who cared what they looked like?

If he logged back in?

It would be memories 

Of what?

An article ? 

On clothes?


A governor?

Who could remember what it was all about?

Who said what 

The shame was seeing how far 

Everyone went to defend an opinion 

Or how much they could swallow 

But what did it matter?

Here he was 

And he couldn’t recall

His own marriage 

His own life 

When was the last time 

He really had done something for his wife

What was the best sex they’d ever had?

The best vacation?

Their favourite sex position ?

The funniest memory?

He couldn’t remember 

What did his wife look like naked

When they were young?

He couldn’t remember 

They spent so much time 

Just scrolling 

And now

He couldn’t get it back


The one about timehop

If you’re feeling extra positive today. Before you post that Friday selfie. Check your “timehop” updates. You know,the thing that shows you everything you posted on this day…for every year you have been with Facebook. 

that’s the one. Facebook is relentless with it…

I can’t even remember where I left my glasses five minutes ago. They expect me to remember something I posted six or more years ago?

Some things you just shouldn’t have to see twice. 

I was hating it…

But then I started seeing where my other half had commented on things…little discussions I had long forgotten. 

Granted her attitude was more of 

And my attitude was more like

“I have hot sauce in my eye…I have hot sauce in my eye!”

There is no meme for that. 

I have no idea how we ended up together…
Believe it or not I haven’t always been as cool as I am now. 

Just a few blood oaths …

Some shaved unicorn horns …

And a handful of years later 

Here we are

So these days  I check timehop, just to see our old senseless debates.  Or just to feel better about my writing. (If you think it’s poor now? You haven’t seen anything.)

Now… If you insist on posting your Friday selfie. Just remember, FB will insist on reminding you of it. 

Have a killer weekend. 

The Wars are upon us.

So I guess this Star Wars thing is going to be around for a while. 

I heard that a guy actually legally changed his name to Darth Vader…

Can’t imagine what his Halloween costume is going to be for 2016….or any prospective children will be named ….

Christmas is over with 
So now 

Instead of reading 

The 12 or 30 days of Anna being greatful in your newsfeed …..

You get to read her resolutions 

And pictures of her food 

You know 

Just before she gets pregnant 

Which probably happened because 

Of  Steve’s gym selfies 

I mean 

That guy was working really hard 

He posted every day 

Can we talk about progress.


Seriously ….

I was at work the other day 

And someone asked me how I keep working around people for so long 

And I just said 

“Hey man, Donald Trump sends me motivational text messages through out the day ….” 

But I was only joking 

I’m still waiting on everyone in my newsfeed to tell me they too are only joking ….

Someone else posted lists from Google 
“The top states and what you googled …in 2015”

And it wasn’t too far from what we talk about everyday 



People names 

That start with the letter O

And I was like 


If you’re THIS stressed 

There has got to be another list 

Like I want to see the hidden list 

The one with that other word that starts with the letter O 

I live in Alabama 

We had the most names on the Ashley Madison thing 

I know I know we are incredibly 


But still 

There’s another list out there

I know it 

And so then they handed me 

Montana and their top search 


Way to keep it real Montana 

Thank you.

I went to a book store 


Did you know 

Coloring books are back 


Adult coloring books 

Not that I ever stopped coloring 

But damn 

I’ve been sitting around 

Coloring Dora 

And never knew 

I could be coloring Paris 


And lingerie ….

For real. 

I felt strange though 

I paid like 

10 to 16 bucks for them 

And I actually thought to myself 

When I was younger these things were only 2 bucks 

It’s funny the things you get excited about after you grow up 


Coffee makers 

Kitchen knives

Kitchen knife sharpners 

Kitchen knife sharpners 

That actually work 

A good nap 


Bath towels 




A good recipe 


Champagne is really good 

Beer is good 

But you feel bloated 

And weird after 

Vodka is good too 


Just really cranks in there 

Like a navy seal 


But champagne 

Walks in with lights 

And a red dress 

And it just seduces you 

It’s slower 

And you taste it 

Because it lingers 

You know 

Like  the internet 

And Star Wars 


That bad red Light 

But it’s ok 

Because champagne