Midnight

I’m sorry
I’m just a churning mess inside right now
And I have no idea what to do

I’ve been here before
It’ll get better
If I run
Run like crazy
And work out
God
It starts inside
And works it’s way to the surface
Like
needles picking
Picking
And then I get sick
Shaking
And I can’t breathe
I wish I could sleep
But I can’t do that either
So I write
And I pray
Which isn’t really praying
It’s just me walking and talking
I’ve never been able to pray
Like I did when I was little
And super religious
Now I just
Talk
And listen
And write
But more often than not
I find myself crying these days

I feel completely
Completely useless
Worn
I’m tired
And I’m afraid I’ll never catch up

Depression is not new to me
Anxiety is not new to me
Sickness and hospitals are not new

I’ve grown up around it
With it

The long nights
Everything I’ve just described
But there’s this dream of an older me
I’m so afraid I’ll never catch you
Reach you
The dream
The light
The promise of a life ….
Where I make you happy .
And that’s when I realize it
I just want to be happy
And if I can help someone else be happy …. Breathe easier …
It gets better

it gets better
It does
It comes and it goes
It scary
You start crying after you wake up from a dream …
A dream …
And you can’t stop .

The images flash across your eyes
The voices from the past …
And you’re froze
Petrified

I’m not the best at this
I try to hide this
But then I thought
Maybe you could use this
Even this
Because it gets better
I have to believe that

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The Runner

Run
For different things
Health
Life
Sex
Ambition
An image that doesn’t even relate to you anymore

Run
There’s a decision before you
Run
To clear your head
The ground beneath your feet
You’re running out
Finally ahead of your thoughts
You run

This is all I have
In this moment
I don’t have tomorrow
Yesterday is done
All I know is
Step by step
Breath-by breath
Moment for moment
I’m living in today
Stronger
I own something
This
There is no decisions
There is no confusion
No mind games
Just me
So I run
Nothing else matters
At least
Not while I run

Living with Crohn’s

I have Crohn’s disease … I don’t know that I have ever mentioned it before . But I do . I know this, because when I was 18, I fell over at work with stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital. 7 days and a 22 inch resection of my small intestine,later. I was sent home . I very nearly died.

Earlier this year, I woke up with similar pain.
I knew exactly what to do , go to the hospital and prepare to die . I was totally prepared too… my gut was killing me , swollen , like a rock. The nurse gave me morphine … Which did nothing. 15 minutes later, I was ready to kill myself and then them . When asked how I was feeling , between 1 to 10. I said “pain ? It’s about a solid 13. ” well,that’s odd , I thought we just gave you morphine ”
“Oh funny thing. I was on a morphine drip once so , you know , it’s not working . ”
They came back with something they called ” just the thing ” and it lit up the back of my brain like the 4th of July burning my nose …. I was chill , man . Chill . But totally prepared to die .

My doctor was obviously more of an optimist than myself .. He chose to keep me for a few days and keep giving me what I now called ” the good stuff ” for pain , along with some other stuff .
I had an obstruction and inflammation … It was serious .. My stomach had shut completely down . All systems , NO .

Had I had surgery, I could have died, or live a life forever altered – in ways I don’t like to think about .
But Dr optimist and his plan worked ..over time, All systems No. Changed to, All systems GO . And I was ready to live again . I was told,however, if I didn’t change my habits and see a dr regularly my life expectancy would be 29 to 30 .

Crohn’s is hard to explain …
It’s inflammation , all through your body . Affecting all your major organs – even the ones you don’t think about . Ongoing inflammation , untreated, turns to cancer in about 10 years .
So you have a few flare ups every few years , a couple surgeries . Boom cancer then you die . At least that’s how I heard it. At the time .

I’m 24 … This shouldn’t be a problem but it is . I don’t know why .

However , I changed my diet , I eat living food . Salads , fish , I even drink wine … An occasional vodka to keep my anxiety down . And I take my meds .
But the biggest thing is, sleep.

your body rebuilds itself through sleep so much so , that after so many years … 7 or 11 ? all your cells have been replaced or should be . Sleep , but only deep sleep . without sleep – you die. Another equally important thing is – working out . Work- your – core . Even if you feel like shit . Work your core . Drink water , lots of water . Oceans Of it.All seven seas . you can never have too much water .

Working out fights depression , helps your heart , and your core , it fights inflammation and keeps you feeling better – period . But I still take my meds. Now an interesting side note -sex does the same things … It does … Fights stress , heart disease , depression .. Cancer . I just found that interesting .

Back to the subject . My dad and everybody else in my bloodline was diabetic . So I was always praying ” god don’t let me get that … Or anything else related to it ”
Never saw this coming .
But it is what it is
So there you go .
I have Crohn’s disease …
I’m one in a number
Take care of your body
If you don’t , who will ? .
You only get one .

The food we eat matters
The decisions we make
Touches everyone close to us
Not just us
Food builds cells , which builds us .
It will either make you or break you .

Life is such an adventure
It’s made for people like us
The romantics
The journalist
The foodies
The storytellers

It would be a shame to waste it
Inside a hospital

I’ve been to the edge , I know what it is to be unhealthy .
I’d really like to know the other side
My goal is to see just how healthy a man can be
How long can I live ?
There’s too many things for me to do
So much of the world I haven’t seen
I’m just getting started .