Faithful unfaithful

Life is a process .
We are in process .
However.

The minute you hit her
The minute you cut off affection
The minute manipulation begins
The using
The minute you see her as an object.
That is unfaithfulness.

Unfaithfulness is more than what we’ve been taught to believe
I’ve heard many, many women say they can handle anything but silence …
You won her heart
That’s great
Are you still fighting for it ?

People evolve daily,personalities change – We change
Are you still trying to learn about her, grow with her ?

This life
It’s about what we say
And what we mean
It’s about who we invest our love and time in

It’s not so much about who we are becoming
As how we treat those along the way.Love, it’s difficult, it’s compromise,it’s honest.
It’s two people with their own things
Two lives
raw and open.
But it is worth it

I have no assumptions or  answers
I’m not going to pretend .  I’ve seen so many people hurt
I’ve heard so many people talk . Life isn’t about what we know
Or who’s right . It’s about healing and living
And being what each other need in the required moments. Life is about being real .
Be real .

Faithful,is about being real with one another
Learning and growing
And living together
When you start withholding portions of yourself
You cripple a vein in the relationship.

Life is a process .
We are in process .

Living with Crohn’s

I have Crohn’s disease … I don’t know that I have ever mentioned it before . But I do . I know this, because when I was 18, I fell over at work with stomach pain and was rushed to the hospital. 7 days and a 22 inch resection of my small intestine,later. I was sent home . I very nearly died.

Earlier this year, I woke up with similar pain.
I knew exactly what to do , go to the hospital and prepare to die . I was totally prepared too… my gut was killing me , swollen , like a rock. The nurse gave me morphine … Which did nothing. 15 minutes later, I was ready to kill myself and then them . When asked how I was feeling , between 1 to 10. I said “pain ? It’s about a solid 13. ” well,that’s odd , I thought we just gave you morphine ”
“Oh funny thing. I was on a morphine drip once so , you know , it’s not working . ”
They came back with something they called ” just the thing ” and it lit up the back of my brain like the 4th of July burning my nose …. I was chill , man . Chill . But totally prepared to die .

My doctor was obviously more of an optimist than myself .. He chose to keep me for a few days and keep giving me what I now called ” the good stuff ” for pain , along with some other stuff .
I had an obstruction and inflammation … It was serious .. My stomach had shut completely down . All systems , NO .

Had I had surgery, I could have died, or live a life forever altered – in ways I don’t like to think about .
But Dr optimist and his plan worked ..over time, All systems No. Changed to, All systems GO . And I was ready to live again . I was told,however, if I didn’t change my habits and see a dr regularly my life expectancy would be 29 to 30 .

Crohn’s is hard to explain …
It’s inflammation , all through your body . Affecting all your major organs – even the ones you don’t think about . Ongoing inflammation , untreated, turns to cancer in about 10 years .
So you have a few flare ups every few years , a couple surgeries . Boom cancer then you die . At least that’s how I heard it. At the time .

I’m 24 … This shouldn’t be a problem but it is . I don’t know why .

However , I changed my diet , I eat living food . Salads , fish , I even drink wine … An occasional vodka to keep my anxiety down . And I take my meds .
But the biggest thing is, sleep.

your body rebuilds itself through sleep so much so , that after so many years … 7 or 11 ? all your cells have been replaced or should be . Sleep , but only deep sleep . without sleep – you die. Another equally important thing is – working out . Work- your – core . Even if you feel like shit . Work your core . Drink water , lots of water . Oceans Of it.All seven seas . you can never have too much water .

Working out fights depression , helps your heart , and your core , it fights inflammation and keeps you feeling better – period . But I still take my meds. Now an interesting side note -sex does the same things … It does … Fights stress , heart disease , depression .. Cancer . I just found that interesting .

Back to the subject . My dad and everybody else in my bloodline was diabetic . So I was always praying ” god don’t let me get that … Or anything else related to it ”
Never saw this coming .
But it is what it is
So there you go .
I have Crohn’s disease …
I’m one in a number
Take care of your body
If you don’t , who will ? .
You only get one .

The food we eat matters
The decisions we make
Touches everyone close to us
Not just us
Food builds cells , which builds us .
It will either make you or break you .

Life is such an adventure
It’s made for people like us
The romantics
The journalist
The foodies
The storytellers

It would be a shame to waste it
Inside a hospital

I’ve been to the edge , I know what it is to be unhealthy .
I’d really like to know the other side
My goal is to see just how healthy a man can be
How long can I live ?
There’s too many things for me to do
So much of the world I haven’t seen
I’m just getting started .

People like us

Recently, and by recently I really mean the past 4 years
Ok, two years
Maybe, this year. With the economy in such an….overwhelming place …
I started looking at what the future looks like for … Well, people like us .
The working family .

Now, I’m in business – I deal with people.Their children, their money , followed by more people .

It’s no secret that almost NO American feels safe with the thought, prospect, of retirement … None … Zero … I don’t even feel safe , do you ? . And when I say safe, I mean, do you take great joy in thinking of retirement, or do you dread what it’s going to take to get there ? . See where I’m headed .

None of us believe social security is going to be there when we reach the safe haven of 70+ to retire
And yet hardly anyone is taking matters into their own hands .
You have inflation
Taxes
And dog food to look forward to

I lived on potatoes for months as a child
I promised myself never again

I was talking to a farmer from Michigan recently – great guy , he and his wife got married at the age of forty . They are now in their 70’s . He worked two jobs , she worked for the government – so we know she didn’t make much there . She did all right money wise . But she also had two kids when they met … So she didn’t HAVE any money to save . They pulled together , any raises went to savings and retirement funds . They ate in most of the time … They now have a pretty good retirement. One fund is over 300,000 dollars … However , this is only about 1,300 a month .

So

If you don’t believe social security is going to be there – as it should be . If you truly don’t feel comfortable trusting your future to someone else ?
Then why do it !

If we don’t who will ? . If not now , when ? .
We have to start today, to secure tomorrow .

It doesn’t have to be complicated either.

Roth IRA’s make interest work FOR you
We all know about interest. Except now you can feel good about it and not worry so much about inflation .
Fund these and a 401k as much as possible . But make sure you have a good emergency fund available on the side .
‘Cause believe me
Stuff happens
It’s not a matter of IF
But when. And it will happen .

SAVE
What you can , when you can , for as long as ever you possibly can .
If we can’t predict the future ? We must prepare for it .

Will this keep you from worrying ?
No , this is human nature , it means you’re concerned . Just remember … It ain’t nothing but a thing, Do what you can and breathe .

You and I are told to fear the unknown. To panic . To ask questions …
… We don’t have to fear the future , not if we prepare for it … we can change our way of thinking and live like no one else . A down market is not always a bad thing . Perspective is everything .

Consider how almost every advancement in the past 40 years, took place within a down market . Thus turning things around …. Apple , Mcdonald’s , the ATM , cell phones etc etc. The list goes on . The future doesn’t belong to the faint of heart , it belongs to the brave .
life will beat you down,but don’t give up just yet . We are the brave ones . I just can’t help believing in ..people like us.

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Operation ” paradise “

Who told us life had to go our way ? . Since when do we quit just because it’s uncomfortable . Should Christ have denied the cross? And what about our forefathers ? It’s discomfort, dreams , pain.These drive us to reach for more.Strive to better ourselves . Many would have us level the field – I say it will never work, History says the same. We don’t need a hand out.We don’t need our spirit stifled. Who will lead us if we are incapable of leading ourselves ? Life hits hard it’s true But I’ve seen what the heart of man moved by God can do. I’ve seen the struggle I’ve seen the pain – But I’ve felt the hope.We don’t need a world without accountability. We make decisions,Part of living Is learning to live with those decisions taking up responsibility And that makes us reach for more-More than what we are understanding that in order to preserve a brighter future for tomorrow we must start today .

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Lights In The Sky

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God

a little  of God inside each of us

Us

scattered  like stars in the night

the beating power of eternity  thunders inside  each of our chest

the creative life force of  heaven wrapped within  the confines of the imagination

the seedbed of destiny

what if we are stronger than we think?

what if there is no danger in the night?

no stalkers in the dark

what if this chaos , this empty – black pitch

is a canvas for the creative life force within each of us

a backdrop

to paint our destiny

what if we were made with a little bit of God inside of us

What a difference

Crashings

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For as long as I can remember I have been reaching …something I may never catch ….it’s like attempting to catch a star like a firefly …the frustration – it seems to be so attainable – so possible – I feel my dreams  as rivers breaking dams in my chest as they catch in my throat  and overwhelm me – I want something more – success? maybe .

I wish to be a better man than what I have seen , to stand at the crusted tip  of the earth and walk into the sun .

catching falling I swim the depth of eternity  with the wind at my back  all of it’s chaos all of it’s madness pieces falling around me –  tearing from me .

I will return to this – things falling apart . I know myself , my depths my broken limbs and burning strengths.  Owning my purpose – though parts of me shall always be broken .I will always be thankful .

You can win

Don’t be careless. Hold your tongue listen.  Use you perspective to see things as those around you .
There’s an undermanagement problem in our business world and our financial security.

Let me break it down…
Business is 20% product knowledge, 80% people knowledge.
Finance is 20% head knowledge and 80% behavior. 
Theres a link  here…we’re in control of our destiny if we can manage the character of ourselves we can win at both.

MAKE character based decisions not emotional decisions. Emotion is temporary.  Character is consistent.  Its not personal its business. We try to feel everything.  Feel alive…and where did that get us …debt at home and a business that is undermanaged because we are not consistent.   Change your thinking and start today by managing yourself , you can’t afford not to.
You can win.

02/20/2013

02/20/2013 (JOURNAL )

 

I just finished The Time Traveler’s Wife,it’s a good book, you should read it .But now i can’t sleep…I hate this …for someone who can sleep anywhere …I sure  make a habit of not sleeping at night .

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about chapters …and how we change . I close my eyes and I see my life like this….moments„,memories….glances;

Growing up working with dad, preaching with dad

Hyper active wasting 99.9% of all my words 

Terrified

Always the nightmares and lack of sleep

Dad, his eyes, his face …

his voice echoing 

pinning me to the wall

Suddenly I’m here again back home…on that night….I’m standing in the freezing rain…with my mom and sister..i can see my breath. Numb. Dad died in his sleep .

I think about all that has changed and all that is

I was young and very opinionated , i thought i would be a self made man

I was terrified of living 

i spent my life traveling with dad on the road trying to be perfect

to learn business and how to be the best i could be

my image of god was a blurred image of dad , his voice and shadow looming over my life constantly seeking his approval , his favor …his attention .

Now he is gone and all that has ended….at some point in time I left home and started living , Good men invested in my life and taught me about finances and business  I’m getting to know God . I’m getting to know people . Not deceive them . But I’m sick ..I’m scared ..I don’t want someone taking care of me..so I will probably always be alone I saw my grand-dad use my mom and my dad use my mom …I don’t want to even think  of someone taking care of me  …the thought of sometime in my uncertain future..my needing someone more than they need me? Jeez.. My stomach hurts just thinking about it . and yet  I can’t help thinking…when I was young I was scared of living so much so I often wanted to die..now  that I’m older I’m scared of dying …scared of existing …spinning time..but never touching eternity ..never finding my purpose and what it’s all about  . 

Paperless love

I can’t tell you any other story

Only mine.

the way I lived it

the way I saw it

I recall telling a friend once that it felt like it would take two years to fully explain it.

Well, that is not entirely true..it’d take about fifteen minutes.

My story could be a bad one..I guess i could go into long detail ..but I choose not to.

We all have one ..it’s not a new story.

I spent the younger years of my life in over 20 churches  because my dad wanted it that way .

this built a tendency to leave   inside of me ..we’d come we’d go ..relationships..people..business..it’s just the way we did things.

My dad doesn’t let people in..

if you meet him you speak of three subjects

politics

sports

God

in that order

he says he isn’t racist or prejudice

yet he also says things like

“don’t talk to that girl she isn’t from here..they do things differently over there”

he seriously said that to me when I was 17

that’s all I know about my dad.

really,

and I worked with him all my life

I preached so he would see me.

I worked so he would see me.

But I still don’t know what he thinks about when he’s sitting in his chair.

I don’t know how he is going to respond to a question ..

and I should.

if you know someone ..you can anticipate how they are going to respond ..

You should be comfortable ..

you shouldn’t have to  fight for affection or attention .

not if it’s real.

real love is given ..not pulled out of someone.

I moved out when I was 19

I wasn’t mad

I was just ready ..

and I was  immediately overwhelmed

we never learned how to deal with emotions

we never learned how to work through things

we never dated anyone

we never made plans on leaving

if we had a problem we just prayed.

while that is good, it doesn’t just make things go away.

( this is sounding really creepy . but.  it is Halloween )

I don’t know what I would have done had a friend not stepped in and helped me out.

Helped me plan. helped me adjust .

I know I wouldn’t be here .

not sane anyway.

I could see it in his eyes

the absolute hate

whenever i came to visit

with all his silence it seemed he was saying even less these days

finally one day i saw too much

I saw the strength of  a man break a woman

I felt the words and the manipulation

I fought hard to pretend I didn’t see it.

But after I held it in too long it broke me.

I had spent my whole life trying to make someone  I didn’t even know  happy.

and here I was and I didn’t even know myself.

I stepped between

him and mom

and in the next moment found myself pinned against a wall

I’ve never been able to forget the look in his eyes ..

after that and among other things

I talked with mom and later helped her leave

He never knew it was me..

I tried to stay close

but it was futile

I ended up standing up to him

and letting him know exactly how I felt .

I regret many things

But I’ve never regretted that .

I don’t hate my dad.

to me ..he will always smell like pepper mint

and always be sitting in his chair watching TV

he will always be dressed up like Santa on Christmas .

and he will always be old.

you see I didn’t realize things were all that bad..until I was grown and on my own.

so most of my memories are good ones.

My point is..all of these things..

overwhelmed me

I hated myself for hating myself

I couldn’t look in the mirror because I saw my dad

I hated the fact that no matter what I did

everything I touched felt my pain

I had no desire to live

But then something happened

I remembered a verse I had read a long time ago

” I know in whom I have believed, and am fully persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto that day”  2 Timothy 1:12 The Bible

it clicked right along with Moses on the mountain asking God to show him his Glory

I stopped ..

I know religion I know the face of religion

I know how to fake it. I’ve been there I’ve done that

I’ve touched the frayed edges I’ve sat up late at night for hours just to take it in.

I’ve seen the people come and the faces fade before they waste-away

I’ve seen so many things I feel like im forty ( because you know ..being 22 I know exactly what 40 is gonna feel like .can really relate to that one )

But in the face of all of this..

I walked into the Church one night ..

I sat down and cried for how long? i don’t even know

All I’ve seen is what not to be..

How not to love

How not to live

I could have faked it ..

I know how

but

I stayed away i stayed silent because

I couldn’t walk in there and tell God

You have all of me

when I knew he really didn’t

I couldn’t do that

so you see, saying nothing, was really saying so much more ..

But now I see

it doesn’t matter anymore what goes on around me

I know in whom I have believed ..I ..not them

I have believed and I am convinced ..that it is enough .

and that is all I need.

I may never be able to tell my dad when I get a promotion at work

Or when I fall in love

Or simply talk to him like I should be able to

then again..I’ve never been able to talk to him about any of those things

after looking back on it all

I am convinced that I have been a good son .

I did the best I could.

and that is enough.

Time

it’s interesting the way time can change things.One waits for the world to change and often we think it has..but look a little closer and you find that the truth is…you’re the one that has done the most changing.Time has a way of doing that..it molds us..it wears us down..it breaks us..if only to see how well we fight to stand our ground.It makes us who we are..and gives us a glimpse at who we’re going to be. Suddenly that stranger in the mirror isn’t such a stranger after all..he’s not just an empty man..he’s no longer that  face of your father that takes you by surprise..

He’s you … ..every graying hair ..every line around the eye,  holds a memory of some event that brought us here.

I’m not the man I used to be.

But I believe that I’ve seen the best in people. And I’ve seen the worst as well. The world can take you and break you. There is nothing as painful as seeing a broken man that believes he’s got  nothing to live for. Nothing to die for.I often ask myself what it was..that made them stop moving forward?. But this is just things I’ll never understand.Every man has his choice to make. That’s what brought us here,right?  a series of events “..this man..this moment..” this choice. that was from the adjustment bureau .( a great film by the way). Like Matt Damon.. all I have are the choices I make..no one else can choose for me. No one else really see’s the cost..it’s mine. The downside? if I sit down and quit..well..that’s a decision ..So I might as well take the shot.