Beagle in the City #244

Simon: Every day, dad comes home on lunches, and we go to the outside. It’s great. We play for days.

Ethan: You realize, it’s only one hour. And most people actually get to eat on their lunch.

Garfunkel: Well I’m just a starvin’ marvin, just a starvin’ marvin, I ain’t eat in three whole days!

Ethan: What are you singing? What is this?

Garfunkel: what if we all go and get sammiches.

Ethan: How about peanut butter and you guys go to the bathroom like you’re supposed to. I’m about to have to leave.

Simon: Whaaat what do you have left, a week, three days? Is it 57 minutes! No not the minutes! They are so sad!

Ethan: that’s it, I’m leaving. I’m never coming back. I’ll send you a postcard.

Garfunkel: Wait for me! Bum bum dum dum starvin’ marvin…

Beagle in the City #243

Simon: Look dad! I’m digging!

Simon: And you’re sure Moles aren’t scary?

Simon: You know one time, I knew a squirrel, he wasn’t a Mole though, have you ever seen a squirrel? You probably have.

Simon: Why are they under the ground? Is it dark under the ground? How do they see? Is it as dark as when I’m under the covers?

Simon: When do we take breaks? I could go for some snacks…

Simon: Just look at the size of this trench I dug!

Ethan: I don’t think you did as much as you think you did…

Simon: What do you mean? I’m exhausted…

Beagle in the City #242

Ethan: Ok are you ready to play Dog Golf?

Simon: I’m ready I’m ready!

Ethan: Who wants to play?

Simon: Me me me!!!

Garfunkel: I’ll just watch but thanks for thinking about me.

Ethan: Ok so I hit the ball and…

Simon: I attack the ball and bounce back and forth flying it home to dad!!

Ethan: Right!

(Moments later)

Ethan: I really am sorry.

Simon: Don’t talk to me…

Ethan: It was an ACCIDENT honest.

Garf: That was hilarious! Replay it!

Simon: Shut up!

Ethan: How could I do that on purpose! You’ve seen me play golf! I’m terrible at it!

Simon: I can’t feel my face…

Ethan: what can I do to say I’m sorry?

Garf: OH I KNOW! Call nice lady and tell her everything that happened! Here I’ve already called the number!

Garf: Hello? Hospital? Put the warden, uhh I mean, Simon’s Mom on!

Ethan: Sooo I took Simon out and was playing with him and Garf

And hitting golf balls

And accidentally hit him in the face and busted his gum. It was like right on the nose.

He had blood in his gums

And now our dog is afraid of balls…

Lindz: which one ?

Ethan: They are both our dogs. Are you saying you love one more than the other?

Lindz: No, but which one?

Ethan: Simon.

Garf: Hey man, Since you’re gonna be sleeping in my room for rest of forever, I’ve gotta tell you the tour. You’ve got a tv, a couch, a warming blanket, seriously, this thing never gets cold.

Ethan: it’s an electric blanket. And I’ll be fine.

Garf: I don’t know man, I mean, you broke your dog. Remember? He’ll probably never be the same.

Ethan: I get the fluffy pillow.

Beagle in the City #240

Ethan: Ok filthy fellas, Let’s go to the bathroom before bed.

Simon: ok but you have to go with us, because dog-nappers…

Ethan: how many times do I have to tell you, don’t watch true crime with mom while I’m gone.

L: He’s my protector.

Ethan: He’ll be the first to hide.

Garf: I don’t have to go to the bathroom. All my poop is gone.

Ethan: are you sure? You’re positive? It’s 20 degrees and we are not coming back out here.

Garf: I’m positive.

(Inside)

Garf: Ok time for Din Dins!

Ethan: Heck no! Food is gone, it’s time for bed.

Garf: But what about midnight snacks? Or second Din Din?

Ethan: I think you’ll manage for one night.

Garf: Hey, hey,

Ethan: What?

Garf: I have to go to the bathroom now.

Beagle in the City #239

Simon: Dear doggie journal, I have been stranded for three years…

Ethan: I’ve only been gone for a few hours…

Simon: It’s been a year of rain. And flood. There’s hardly any food, there have been stealings. Our kitchen is gone!

Ethan: Hey, I told you We’re remodelling it…

Simon: I am keeping cheeses and breads.

Garf: Wait, is that what was under the couch? Because you should go shopping…

Cooking and marriage

I don’t know if I should be disappointed or not in what I’m about to say,

But here goes one for the family …

if I knew I was going to die tomorrow ,

I don’t know that anything would change that drastically in my schedule…

That’s the big rewrite for us writers isn’t?

The white whale

How would we write about dying?

Maybe it’s because I used to spend so much time writing about it when I was younger

Maybe it was the depression

Maybe it was my youth

Or maybe it’s the fact that I have Crohn’s disease

And I’ve been hospitalized several times because of it…

But I like to think that now

I’m living in such a way

At such a place

That every day

I’m just happy to be here

I just want to throw a dinner party that Nora Ephron would be proud of…

I always return to her essays and books every other year.

I’m not for it, but I think it’s pretty safe to put people on pedestals once they’re dead.

She’s easily one of my very favorite people on earth and I never even met her.

I like coffee

I love my wife and my dogs

I like cooking

I like butter,

You can never have too much butter

Or olive oil

I like coffee in the morning

Hardwood floors

Cooking, did I already say that? Well, cooking is like really great sex.

I’ll cook for you before and after.

Reading a really great book

Broadway

Everyone should see broadway

It changes you

Or it should

Art is so important

It’s important that we do not sound like everyone else

That we don’t fall into an echo

I like a really great drink.

An old fashioned,

A brown derby

A Manhattan

I like Sunday’s

Sleeping in…

I know you’re not supposed to rely on movies for expectations of love

But I think I like this bar I go to, it helps me write,

But it’s also, because there’s this table that I sat at…

It was the first “date” if you will,

Me and my wife went on…

I always think about seeing her walk in

And I knew I wanted to watch her enter rooms for the rest of my life…

I know I can be hard edged

Sarcastic and a little bit cruel

But she’s like dark energy

She’s seductive without even trying

And she is sexy as hell in heels

she’s also every Sunday morning

Every breakfast in bed

The perfect hot coffee

And a walk in the park

She’s the Italian restaurant on the corner

She’s midnight in the rain

She’s sitting there beside me

When they have to put a tube down my throat

Because of a flare up

She’s there on the front

Smiling

When I get published

She’s got all the love

I can ever hold in these hands

I’ve seen people come and go

And she wants me

And I want her

Year after year

I know what I like

I know what I want

And I

Like her

I love her

I want her.

The one about New Years and redos

I meant to work out this year. It was on my very secret list of things to do.

But then, I took a nap without setting an alarm and I woke up, and it was almost March.

Let’s face it, I’ve got to start working on my winter body, if the year is going by this fast,

The flu is going around, that’s the real reason I’m not going to the gym. I’m a complete germ freak. I basically disinfect the entire gym when I go.

Do you realize just how difficult it is to get cold medicine these days?

Back in the day, you had a cough or back ache,you could send your five year old neighbor to the doctor, who was also the local postman, and grocer. To get a bottle of absinthe and some opium. Because you had to keep chopping lumber.

Now?

I’ve got to go down there in person and show my ID and sign my name and give them my birth certificate and mortgage papers just to get some crap medicine that won’t even work.

What happens when we die? Do I have to verify my identity then too? Show you my ID? Make sure I am the person spoken of. That you are expecting for this reserved hole in the ground.

Don’t worry, if we can’t verify, we’ve got an unmarked road between two county roads, just behind the Sunday school, where we will just dump your body. What could go wrong.

I really do believe we are getting stronger as we grow up though.

Not really.

Let’s face it. We’ve all shattered those expectations. If it was a glass ceiling? We couldn’t even clean it, let alone crack it.

We’ve taken so many antibiotics, we can’t even get over a hangover and a bad date. Let alone a real virus.

Used to we had people like Doc Holliday, they’d show up to work coughing blood and they’d still out work you. Now, if there’s even a chance of mild discomfort, I’m going to need to take off for about six months leave. Turns out I can’t handle constipation like I used to. The doctor agrees as well.

We are just not built the same. I don’t know what happened, but it’s there.

And I’m trapped between these two age groups. Maybe it’s because I have been working since I was 6 years old. It’s all I know how to do. Maybe I didn’t have the same childhood as other people but at least I’ve worked to get where I am, and I’ve never asked anyone for help or a handout,you know?

I just find it funny how, When everything was unregulated, unsupervised, we still had more pride and work ethic.

Now, we have better supervision, regulation, and honestly probably for the better. But we’re like a bunch of degenerates. We want a miracle pill. You know, like a re-do button.

You remember when you were little and you could just yell redo!

And get a second chance?

That’s what we’re after.

Something to cancel out the years of bad decisions and choices that have stacked up against us.

But what do I know? I’m not a doctor or anything, I just know how to laugh at myself. Now pass me another Beer.

The one about Shelter Pets

I’m typing this and Garf is sitting between my legs, demanding that I scratch his back. Simon is sitting beside me, supporting my writing endeavor.

Shelter pets are the greatest fans, you will never have a better fan than a shelter pet.

In their eyes you can do no wrong, They’re the best version of Fox News fans, or Nixon, I mean Trump supporters, this ship may be going down, but we still love our guy, he’s the best guy. At my best health, I’m the best guy, but even at my worst , beer gut or crohn’s flare, I’m still the best guy. if I want to work out or go for runs, they’re all about that. if I want to do Sunday naps, they’re excited about that too.

I can do a mean Michael Jackson, Billie Jean impersonation, Some marriages hold sex and finances over heads to get things done, I hold this.

I was practicing, you know, in doors, away from people, so I could later feel just how old I am, and attempt to remain cool and aloof to my wife, extra snuggle points.

But like Homeschoolers, our two welfare, stay at home, shelter dogs…

Simon and Garfunkel, they just sat there watching the whole thing, like they had never seen me before….

I am now, the coolest person in not just my dogs circle of friends, but their lives. I don’t even really care what my wife thinks anymore, I just want to be the kind of cool that my dogs think I am…

You may be disappointed to find – but I was originally AGAINST introducing dogs into this paradise Love Boat. I was afraid that, like children, it would just alter everything about our lives.

Turns out, I wasn’t wrong.

But then I started walking Simon, and he in his eight week old self, was doing crazy things like getting his face stuck in Arby’s sandwich sleeves.

And then I started writing about him- you know, just to write something, because I had writers block, but as it turns out, walking Simon every day, helped my depression and anxiety, and having your own personal fan helps your self esteem. And I do mean personal fan, like, if you went to the bathroom, he would be right there, staring at you and then get excited when you were done. You don’t mean to, but you get excited too, like yeah, that is amazing, modern plumbing, I don’t have to go outside in the grass and hide from traffic and people I work with, like you, suddenly this Monday isn’t so bad.

And writing 248 + short stories about a dog and his life. Is world building and still art. And Coincidentally, writing. Which destroys writers block.

You may not be creating or succeeding in the ways you set out to, but you are still progressing and moving forward.

Now, these two dogs are still silly and awkward, Simon is super excited and will ask a ton of questions like “have you seen sticks before? You probably have, the other day I dug the biggest hole, it was great.” But he is mellowing out as he gets older.

Garfunkel is already old, but he loves to get attention, and he is strange in his own kind of street smart way, you may over hear him convincing Simon that the earth is only as big as our small town and that if Simon goes any further he will just fall – OFF like a video game character walking out of screen.

Or smaller less complicated things, like grass isn’t colored, but if it were it’s definitely colored by crayons, over night, by trolls, and that’s where you get dew, from the sweat of their work.

And he should know, because he’s practically SEEN it.

And Simon not knowing any better, will believe him, until he asks me about it. And well, that all depends on what mood I’m in.

Beagle in the City #238

Simon: I’m telling you one day they will answer and it will be awesome and you will regret everything.

Ethan: O.k. I’ll do it. But Dogue is not a thing.

Simon: Rock stars…

Simon: Now take some trash and throw it around.

Ethan:I’m going with a hard no on that one.

Simon: Trash is the best thing in the world , Dad.

Beagle in the City #237

Garf: I really mean it this time. I really gotta go.

Ethan: you better, it’s midnight. I’m not taking you out again.

Garf: Don’t worry man!

Ethan: It’s freezing, Garf! Hurry up!

(Wind blows wind chimes)

Garf: Did you hear that?

Ethan: No

Garf: oh no, is it witches?

Ethan: No, hurry up.

Garf: Run!!!!

Garf: Never mind, you know, going to the bathroom is over rated, I’ll just hold it till I die. I don’t guess I really gotta go.

Ethan: I’m gonna punch you in the nose.