Haunted

Oh Marie,
All your favorite flowers already came too…
Then drifted back to sleep…
It’s just like this weather,
She drinks her coffee black,
Puts it right in the fridge and calls it iced…
She wields her pistols and knives…
I never said I was ready,
I’m not ready,
And I
try to retreat from society,
Just to hide away,
Watch the moon behind this mountain…
You know how human we are…
She says she has her issues too
And god knows,
Mine are coming due…
I never said I was better….
Look at all of this weather…
The way that we are…
She says
To come back down…
Be honest with myself…
And
We all have our issues…
God knows mine are coming due…
All the flowers already came too…
Then drifted back to sleep…
She drinks her coffee black,
Puts it right in the fridge and calls it iced…
All we have is time
All of mine was loving and living
And everyone is leaving
I went back home
Looked over that field
That basement
That land
Where poverty left it’s mark
Where I said
Never again
Never again
Never again
never said I’m ready
You only get the chances you take
There is no security
Only opportunity
All we have is time
New mountains
New stars
Ready
Ready
Ready
Put the old ways to rest
Bury the dead
The old vices
Face the ghost
Let these bones know
To let these things go
Build
-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Ache

But this body ,
Aches,
From all the lives it’s lived before,
This heart,
scarred from all the loves it’s loved before…
These hands,
Stained from all that they’ve held before…
——
Cut quick to the truth
Get it all out while I’m standing now…
Me and the you…
To young to know …
what the warning signs really meant…
to comprehend the true cost of things …
The true depth of pain…
——
These hands stained
From all the love I’ve held before…
This body aches from all the times I’ve fell before…
We are not perfect…
We are only human…
Clay and stardust sunset
High dives
That first breath when you’re out of water
That first light…
That moment when you know…
——-

We are human
And not done yet
We are still working
We are still walking
We are still building these lives we live.
-E
Regardingsamuel.com

These issues we face (letters from the mountain)

I’ve been thinking of all my problems again, I’m a wicked person.

My problems, they’re minuscule…

someone, somewhere, is waking up to very real problems like increased rent by the hundreds of dollars, with hardly any notice and they will desire as well as need to navigate them. Especially the mothers and the workers, They live on the budget and $40 will make them or break them.

Life is strange…

It seems, just as soon as we get a handle on it, it changes the pitch.

I hope you’re ok, I hope you’re doing well and staying healthy…

I’m healthy,

Humans are complicated and layered and I don’t know any other way to explain it. We contradict ourselves and we are duped into ghost stories and snake oil and we hold tightly to things that hurt us.

Remember to check your heart. Check your motives, listen to your voice…the one inside of you. Is it yours? Or is it echoing another’s?

Trust yourself

And be careful of rabbit holes

If you’re looking for dog bites you will surely find the harvest is plenty…

Check yourself

And do the best you can

To tell the truth.

The world isn’t as dark as you think it is…

It only feels this way…

There’s beauty in overcast skies and winter mornings.

There’s good things in the world,

To see, to see each other, to be known, if only to cry and understand each other.

There always the good.

-E

Broken glass

You called me and asked if I believed
In PTSD for frontline workers
And I said absolutely
And you said you just couldn’t do it anymore
And someone quit just to sell things on eBay
Little firefly white flags of surrender to the universe…
I don’t have the answers
But I can say
That I wish it wasn’t this way…
wasn’t it just a few months ago
We had spent a few years not talking to our families and breaking up because of politics ?
Now we have quarter of a million dollar retail days
And we are all so numb and so so young
And how do we raise our children
How do we be good partners ?
How do we stand on our two feet and face each other after this …
During this …
How can we love each other
Hold each other
Stand
If I’ve learned anything
From life
It’s stand
And trust your voice
Is it safe ?
To write ?
Never…
There’s a price in staying the same
And there’s a price in creating
In writing
In building
But stand…
Quietly
Calmly
And build
Do what you can where you can
While you can
And forgive
Everyone has a story
Everyone is a novel
And we are just
Sentences
Not even chapters
So forgive
And accept that people are not going to change…
And you can’t change them…
But you direct your life …
Someone told me they quit drinking
“It’s so easy” they said …”to get carried away…”
Me too…
We stared into the parking lot …
“Recreational…”
that’s what we say
About substances
But it’s so easy to become a habit and a lifestyle…
Don’t let that happen…
Your anxiety and your sleeplessness
Will be so much easier
Sober…
Trust yourself …
Liberty
Real liberty
Real freedom
Is building your own life
And it’s also
Saying
Yes,
I get it
Me too
I’m afraid
I’m numb
I’m struggling
I don’t know exactly what I’m doing
But I’m building
I’m not staying here
There’s not another year here
I have a responsibility
I can’t stay here …
We are all numb
And we are all on fumes
But we are building
We are mourning
And grieving
Change and loss hurt
But we are
Here
Right now
All we have is time
You called me…
And someone quit just to sell things on eBay
Little firefly white flags of surrender to the universe…
And
I thought about how much we’ve grown
How much we’ve changed
How much further we have to go…
-E

Crucible

CRUCIBLE
——-
To have a heart
That beats
That makes us heavy
That makes us human
I saw a nurse
Her eyes were glazed
Her face numb
“Is it really this bad?”
I asked
“It’s worse…”
She stared ahead as if she was a soldier there again, in battle…
“It was one thing when we were traveling and dealing with it in New York or somewhere else…but now it’s here…everyday. That worst fear…it’s happening.”

Her shoulders and body ached and stiff
From daily, over a year, constantly trying to go against this storm that now covered our maps like red during election time…

It’s easy
To get caught up in a movement and lose your head.
I don’t have to tell you how bad it is
We all have lost
Someone
By now
We all have lost
And are losing
Parts of ourselves
jaded
tired
burned out
numb
Living through science as it is worked out
So much like man works out salvation
Two steps forward
One step back
In the trenches
And we are losing time
Time that we will not get back…
Working through this
You see a shift
In how people want to work
Are willing to work
While my friends
My friends with PHDs and medical degrees
Are tired
And numb ….

“It’s too late…”
Almost ripped out of a Montgomery Alabama sermon on a Sunday
“It’s too late…”
We work out this struggle with time
With history with ourselves
While living in it
And my heart aches
For mother’s and fathers
For husbands and workers
For small businesses
For our communities
For our children
For the nurse
Who is the only thing between us and god…
For the artist who doesn’t know if it’s even worth it anymore …

If you can keep your head
And stand still
And use the truth that is in you
While all that is around you falls
Create
Create
Build
This is when we build
In the trenches
In the rain
In the storm
While all around us falls
And you are tired
And disillusioned
When your faith is at its crucible
This is when you stand
You observe
You face life
Its pain and its loss
Its joy and its mornings
And you build

To create a space
For all that we’ve loved and lost
To hold in memory
To not get caught in a quick moment
Some new movement
Politics
And agendas
To understand
And know
There is no quick fix in life for anything
There is only consistency
And for this
We stand every morning
Against that storm
And we begin again
Though we are torn
And worn
And stretched
Our eyes look forward
Our heart
That beats
That makes us heavy
That makes us human ….

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Ambulances

The world is hurricane
And brass
This burning library

This emergency room
This funeral parlor
With death angels
And poets and priest


This moment ….waiting for the next moment to take the torch and finish the race…

It has been the poets
Who meet you –
With the morning
With your coffee and tea…
While the news barrages you
Social media harasses you
Your cousins don’t understand you…
Wall Street
And the business falls around the accident in the street,
You tuck words in your pockets
You read them and you feel that you have a new friend
reminded,
With the ambulance lights around the accident, Where life became too heavy and too real…
These poets…
Always present,
in the corner of every emergency room
Every grocery store,
Handing out prescriptions and recipes for whatever season of life you’re in…
——
It has been the poets
Who meet you in the morning…
Words in an abstract line…
Mined from this thing called life…
But always with you…
With empathy and understanding…

“This is one moment, / But know that another / Shall pierce you with a sudden painful joy.”
T.S. Eliot

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Seasons

They would have you believe
That you are somehow broken
Or less than …
That your healing must be purchased
This program
That therapy
the receipts of your self work
Don’t hate them for it
Everything is marketing
But know
Some things are still free
Are still yours
Autonomy
Pride
Responsibility
Ownership
You have control of your life
How great that you can change
In a moment
You can begin to live the life you see for yourself
Divorce cost more than marriage
And it gets stuck in your head
That the key to your freedom
can be bought
That your freedom is somehow in someone else’s hands
Therapy
Yoga
Religions
Diets
Gyms
Ads
Relationships
Dating apps
It’s all like a Rubik’s Cube
Of self help and programs
But it’s – maybe- giving away your power
——
Some things just take time
Accept that the you in today
Will still be with you somehow
In the you of tomorrow
Make peace with this
And begin
It just takes time
But you do arrive
There is no short cut
Change happens slowly and all at once
You were the best in that moment
wife
Husband
Partner
Parent
Etc
That you knew how to be
And you will be a little better tomorrow
But it can’t be purchased
The mistakes
And missteps
The losses
They all make you better
The people who know you
And help you
Make you better
Everything takes time
Brick by brick
Step by step
Little by little
Day by day
Word for word
Habit for habit
But you can begin
And your soulmate
If there is such a thing
Is not out there waiting for a journal of all your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them
And notes form your therapy sessions
They are not another purchase
Or exchange to be made …
That’s a transaction
They are on the journey
They are building
Time
Time
Like a garden
Growing
There is no short cut for the seasons
—-
What life do you want
What life do you see
You get to choose
every day
You get to begin
—-
-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Whole

But did you know
You are the atmosphere
More than just a look
More than just an attraction
You are the electric sky
The earth while she is sleeping
The dark things running wild
The universe entire
And you
You
Are your own
Set apart from everything else
Like the moon
So remember
This
Because
Even during all the phases of the moon
It is still
Whole
And so are you
When you feel hollow
Or less
You are still whole
You still hold value
You still
Even still
Are set apart
-Regardingsamuel.com
-E

Oceans

Bring all of the broken pieces to light, are we doing alright?
Empty inside….
Like all of these open roads…
Detached,
Religions said to deny what’s inside,
Culture said conform and get in line…
We can’t feel what’s left to –
We all keep –
caving….
Empty vessels ….
Out on these open roads
——
There has to be some kind of beauty
Some kind of lines worth writing
Were we not shaped by light?
Held by truth?
Grown by love ?
By love
My love
My love
Love…
Around these open roads
This house is burning
all of these broken pieces …
We used to be fighters but now
We feel so empty
Detached from any identity
Any kind of sense of self
Worth saving…
Were we not shaped by light
Held by truth
Grown by love
By love
My love
My love
Love…
——
All is fair in love and war
——
Hold to me through your night
Until you’re doing alright
It’s just open roads
It’s just memory
And sensory
It’s just time
In that jar of sand
You are light
You are eternity
And everything is passing
But you are beginning
You matter
You are all the borders to the ocean
You are the depths we haven’t seen yet
The quilting to the universe
You are identity
Autonomy
Beauty
And hope ….
You are beginning….
Just beginning…

-E
Regardingsamuel.com