30 for 30 (She’s going to make me lonesome when she goes)

October 1st

She smokes her cigaret

Stares out the dirty windows

Waiting for someone to come in

She feels paranoid

But when they do come in

She sits with them

Pours them a cup of tea

Makes sarcastic remarks

She gives them books to read

A trail of smoke follows her every where she goes

Her red hair is pulled up under a bandana

Her green eyes carry an age to them …

November 15th

Everyone that comes in leaves

With a story

For the last five years

It’s been me

We all want something

We want to be something

We believe we are making a mark

She has so many opinions

And ideas

She plays the piano

And thinks it’s funny

It being in a library

Dec 12th

I believe she is a muse

Not in the way we use it now

But in the, what is it? The original way

Muses were something that came to an artist

And helped them make art

Dec 24th

I don’t think she knows…

Jan 13th

She’s clouded

And heavy

Maybe she has been around for too long

Or for such a long time

She has forgotten

She is unhappy

Smokes more

Drinks more

Sleeps all day

Doesn’t get up

Or come sit with me like she used to

She just lets me use the library

I cannot write like I used to

I’ve asked her to go away with me

I think she is going away

But alone

she doesn’t laugh

She won’t drink tea anymore

The sunlight doesn’t come in the windows anymore

She’s going to make me lonesome when she goes…

Sept 20th

It’s been a long time since I’ve last written.

But I think I’ve carved out a way.

To just sit and work…

October 31st

I thought I saw her today

In a bookstore

It was just a moment

A flash of red


She looked happy .

Who knows what a muse is?

But maybe

Just maybe

They help us find our way

And our voice…

Who is to say anything is really gone?

Maybe they are there

In ordinary places

Doing ordinary things.

waiting for us to be unexpected



Writer’s Log #15

So I took my wife to see David Sedaris for her birthday. 

She had mentioned him years ago and asked me to get his autograph since she had to work. 

I couldn’t get it back then. 

But he was at Alabama Booksmith in Birmingham. 

They’re a little bookstore with nothing but  signed first editions. 

Awesome place. 

And I thought, hey why not surprise her with this book signing…

I was originally going to just ask her to dress up and then drive her the 87 miles or so…and surprise!

But then my air went out in my car…

After I had done 600 dollars worth of work to it. 

So I thought again…

I better tell her WHY we’re driving so far. 

Or just take her car. 

But then there are all the people that will be there. 

When you work with people everyday- people other than your own people- are the last people you want to be peopling with. 

So I kind of mentioned we were going to see him. 

But she didn’t realise we were getting copies of his new book- along with Ariel Levy’s book.

And he did a reading. For about an hour I guess…it was great. 

And hilarious. 

But no pictures. 

Which is fine. Selfie nation get over it. We got to meet the man. 

I’ll never forget it. 

I always celebrate through the entire month of June.

That way she gets a lot of presents all month, broken up over weeks. 


I got her a cake. 

A Mad Hatter cake. 

I drew it and Simon made it. 

He even wore a little apron…

Not really. 

I thought of it and asked a bakery type person to craft it out of the fires of Mordor for me. 

Now we have cake. 

But I’m afraid to cut it….

Maybe I can get Simon to cut it. 

Writer’s Log #14

Finished two books. 

Got new books for the library 

And hot chocolate…

To mix with coffee 

Actually sat down and wrote some letters today. 

No one ever tells you about the part of writing, where you hate it. Because you have to sit down and be away from your family. It’s very isolating. And some days you have to, have to make yourself do it. 

You still love it. I do anyway. But you have to make yourself write. Because even bad writing is better than a blank page. 

Zoom zoom 

Write on. 


Writer’s Log #12

Adjusting to new work schedules 

Which isn’t a bad thing 

But I haven’t been writing a lot 


I have been reading 

They took The X Files off Netflix 

Stupid contracts from 2009

Probably won’t get it back….

Soooo I took it upon myself

Bought the whole damn thing 

Complete set with The Event Series 

From last year.

Then I felt guilt 

Why should I have all the entertainment?

And bought my wife The Golden Girls complete series. 

But I love that show too 

So really it’s a win win.

All this really is to say, that I’m going to be writing some fantastic material soon. I’ve been working on it for three months. 

As soon as I get used to my new sleep schedule and getting up at 3 am for work…(I used to write at 3am now I get up at 3am and go to bed by 7pm )

Get ready. 

A haunting

journal entry
October 15

Says she’s infested
From the inside
Like a virus
A tape worm
At her skin
Screaming about voices
In the walls

I think my Anna
Needs help
The Dr says she’s fine
She’s been acting strange
Staring …
Into blankness
While chopping vegetables
She was chopping into her fingers
Only to apologize numbly
Later I walked in on her
Clawing at the walls
Mumbling about scratching
And voices
I couldn’t get her to calm down

We slept together
It was like an acid trip
Her eyes were dead pools
Her fingernails clawing into my skin
She wasn’t there
I woke up
I woke up
I heard singing in the kitchen
I heard movement
I heard dishes
I walked in…
To her hanging from the ceiling

Woke up
Hearing Anna call him
I stopped him just outside my bedroom
“She’s calling me,mothers calling me”
I didn’t tell him I could hear her too

I can’t sleep
I hear footsteps
I see my Anna standing in the Corner
She doesn’t say anything

Oct 28

She’s hanging from the ceiling
She’s walking in the halls
I’m going behind her
Closing all the doors
There’s someone in the walls
I hear her calling out to Ronnie
I can’t stop him anymore
There’s a little girl
By the stairs
Playing with a kitten
Ronnie loves
Kittens …
She has dead pool eyes ….
I can’t help him …
I can’t help me…

I heard her calling him
I was going to get up
But Anna is standing by my bed …


2014 is going to be…

Whatever you make it
That’s right
Whatever you make it
I don’t believe completely in resolutions .
I do believe in goals
And tracking your success
But I think the most important thing is – and not that I’m successful and one to be talking – consistency .
Don’t quit .
Keep moving forward ….
Movement is movement .
Be smart , be brave , be intelligent …
Be so authentic , iridescent, that nothing else compares to you – but you . That’s original .
Be creative , be adventurous .
Be open . Be curious . Not judgmental .

I don’t really care for what you believe ….
I just want to know you .
And it’s the same with everyone else .
You can’t receive people if you judge them .
Let them leave their fingerprints all over who you become .
Let the earth get into your skin
And change you .
The way you think
The way you sleep
The way you walk .

Just be original .
Your own .
Do not be swayed
keep walking .
Keep looking up .
Keep taking chances .
Even if it looks bad.
Carpe Diem .
That’s what I believe .


These Issues We Face ( The Journal post in which I am in the Hospital )

FROM MY JOURNAL ( 02-22-13)

I was dying …this was it…it wouldn’t be historical..life changing or cool ..it would be boring and slow – quite uneventful – like everything else in my life …the funny thing was I didn’t even know it until it was too late..but this was it.I wouldn’t be able to change it ..I was dying ..that’s the thing about death it’s like  facts ..they don’t ask  now what do you think? you like it better this way or some other way?.No sir they just are regardless of how much people hate them they carry on ., stepping into peoples lives ruining their schedules and everything else…we should really be more like that , like death..just Be .

I couldn’t help thinking about all the things i’d never write…

About all the things I’d never see

All the stress that didn’t matter now, all those pressures,  like gravity and glass pressing against my skin , making my head hurt like a vice …I hate that it got like this…but in my defense I didn’t know I was dying …I didn’t know that not sleeping could kill a person and that along with poor diet and stress and anxiety all of those things would cause my body to literally fall apart inside .

What I DID know was this;

I used to be afraid of living…terrified of it to the point I wanted to just stop time …just freeze it …or stay in bed all day …maybe I could pause the world and just walk around and see what everybody is really like.Because I was terrified, terrified of living and making decisions or making a life for myself..i felt like I was a failure at life and could never measure up. 

but anyway..regardless

just as soon as my head got cleared up my body backed out of the deal . and here I was dying .Now I was afraid of dying and wanted to live……

Funny how that worked out huh.