The one about nothingĀ 

Hey hey hey. I apologize for my absinthe…wait…I mean absence. Wow.Historically,those are two very different words. Also,one of which could result in your absence.

I’ve been busy a lot with work and sleep and cooking. I have a new chopping board. It is substantially better.Covering most of the counter, I can now devide my ingredients,sending them to their corners – as well as – quickly utilizing it as a shield if needed. Cooking is actually a fantastic skill to have. People used to say things while looking off in the distance …”you don’t know how to cook…I feel like that’s a major flaw…you look like you should be able to cook.”  I also look like Tony Stark but you don’t see me negotiating the flaws of that  with my bank. It wouldn’t go well. One, I’m not good with negotiating things and secondly the only weapon I ever invented,was a mud pie with gravels.Unless you count that one time I broke a slingshot because I laughed and it hurt someone else really really badly.

But back to culinary things …that’s what you call it once you stop burning things,culinary. I watch Hannibal while I cook which I admit almost convinces me to become a vegetarian. But it’s an awesome show so I continue. And there’s still bacon so I continue that as well.

You should embrace cooking. Especially with your person. Because that makes it so much better. Wine and music and food and it all leads to you both asleep on the couch. Not really. Not at all. Sometimes. It’s a great inside date though. You have to make your own meals,bro. 

In addition. For something new. I’m really tired of seeing selfie sticks everywhere. Have you seen the commercials with them? Kids driving cars with a big stick hanging  around…

That’s not safe driving people 

I can understand updates…but update the microwave. Give me the thing from Star Trek that makes whatever I ask it to… We’ve been nuking food radioactively since the 70’s -which would explain the hair styles of the 80’s …

It’s like an arm extension I would imagine.Wait a minute, Did Apple hire inspector gadget?  Because this has him all over it….

In truth 

This post is about nothing. 

And this is what you write 

When you’re putting off laundry. 

Stay cool. Until later. 


The one about laundry,the one about the face

The one about the  face

Can we talk about something??

Trends maybe?

Such as women…shaving their Face 

Yes,women do this. It is a new #trend 

One that I do not understand 

It is supposed to exfoliate the skin 

And help with makeup 

And they are — apparently 

Worried about invisible hairs that drive their men crazy…

Ok,I have to say.

As a dude. I hate,hate shaving.which is why I have a beard. It is not exfoliating.

It is painful.You scrape off skin and hair with a blade…everyday for 45 55 years? Your face?  now a leather product my friend….

And it burns..even the cold side of the pillow is against you…

And peach fuzz??

 Microscopic lip hairs?

Your guy has a lot of hidden issues if he’s noticing things like that….

There’s a lot more you two should be talking about.

But seriously 

We hate shaving 

And for some reason it’s always really a masculine thing that guys do in movies…

But let me tell you 

We havent felt like Captain America whilst shaving,since that first time we shaved when we were 7 …Ever since then …it’s just another burden…like going to the bathroom after coffee.We don’t even think about it.

So in essence 

It doesn’t make sense 

That women-who probably shave a lot more areas than guys anyway… would just be like: “well, here’s an area we haven’t shaved before. Let’s add this to the already takes so damn long anyway.”

If you want to shave once…go for it…

Everyone does it.

It’s not like your face is going to awaken from the sudden exfoliation and grow a beard from it. 

But after that,remember,your face looks,Devine.

The one about Laundry

My girlfriend,she’s a nurse 

she finds it weird that I clean ALL her uniforms together. Nothing else gets put in that load of laundry.

And I’ll tell you why.

Its because I don’t know what’s on there.

And I’m a pretty calm, average,nervous american person…

If  I can see the germs I’m good.

Sometimes slow at comprehending my own demise…

Like that guy who was all like: WebMD my ribs are sticking out is this bad …

I’m right in there with you,man.

Like a marine.

But it’s the things that I —can’t see.

they talk to me 

Always,in John Mulaneys voice too …

“I have aids,I have Ebola,I have Lupus and one more thing…that nobody’s even discovered yet.”

So that –all that gets washed,one load,all together.Every time.

And that doesn’t make me an obsessive compulsive “germaphobe” either. ‘Cause come Thanksgiving, when you slice your hand open cutting turkey, I’m right in there,with duct tape and a towl applying pressure.