Gulls on the Coast

Gull: Do you see anything yet?

Gull 2:  you actually see something in these waves? 

Gull: I have a confession…Usually I just stand here until someone throws some chips or something…

Gull: Oh wait wait wait…here comes a big one… This is the one…

Gull 2: This is it guys! 

Gull 3: This is the one. 

Gull 4: The one…

Gull 1: Nope wait no false start… 

Gull 7: Maybe the next one?

Gull 1: Yeah maybe the next one: 

Gull 2: Get ready guys it might be the next one! 

There’s water in the sky



Today a funny noise woke me up and I thought oh crap no it may be Simon eating plastic – again. So I jumped or fell out of bed, only to find him sitting in the middle of the floor, staring at the ceiling. 

As a waterfall came down like rain from the apartment above making a small pond beside him. 

It was getting all in our Christmas decorations. (Hence the plastic noise) so I made the appropriate phone calls…and finally grabbed a chair and got the boxes down, drenched now in strange water (Simon still sitting,still watching) I dumped them in the floor and set the boxes out to catch the fall…only the water was getting worse….

Sometimes I get angry…this was one of those times…it’s like waiting for a comet. Doesn’t happen often but it does happen. I knew I shouldn’t be, mostly because,I used to live upstairs, and I was that guy,the guy you don’t want living above you, I flooded people all the time…dish washing accidents…etc etc. 

but still

Who could not be aware of THIS MUCH WATER?

I was set to knock on some doors. I knew it was very 80’s 90’s whatever. Who does the direct approach anymore? As far as Simon was concerned, we were the only people living in this building. 

And after 5 years ? I myself have only seen three. Maybe someone died. Maybe they were there in the shower….

I left to kick in some doors 

Barefoot, wet, and shirtless. 

And slightly mad. 

 There was a waterfall  coming down the stairs outside. 

I was sure this must have happened before. But I met the maintenance guy in the hall. And the look on his face told me. No. 

You know how sometimes your shower floods or your washing machine and you don’t know about it until you walk in the room? 

This was one of those times for the woman inside…

She opened the door and saw maintenance guys face 

Me shirtless 

And then looking down saw the water running out her door. And I’ll never forget it….put her hands to her face and said “howwwww??”

And maintenance guy stepped in the door and said 

“That’s what I’m here to find out.”


After I cleaned up everything and took a shower in my own clean water. I walked outside to go to work. And it started raining. Because when there is something above you?


A ceiling that’s also a floor or a sky that looks a lot like an ocean….there’s also water. 

Beagle in the City #18

 Simon: ….And the spots on your socks aren’t just black and grey?…how often do you see color?

Ethan: well, you know, all the time…

Simon: All the time ?!!?

Ethan: well yeah. 

Simon : I don’t know dad …I think your socks are pretty weird now. Are you leaving us for the circus?

Ethan: Not until after my year of fly fishing and camping.

Simon : What! 

Ethan: Someone actually told me about hiking two miles …to …well, you know, camp and get alcohol today. 

Simon : and??

Ethan: a two mile hike to get,is a five mile stumble and fall home. 

Simon: why don’t we go ca-

Ethan: No. 

Simon: But the tv makes it look…

Ethan: it’s not.

Simon: are you su-

Ethan: Scientific fact. 

Simon: convince me. 

Ethan: (((sighs))) I know I don’t look like it. But I went camping once. When I was very young. It was the first time I ate sunflower seeds. They asked me how they were…and I said…”they’re kind of crunchy.” I didn’t know I was supposed to spit the shell out. 

Simon: Good job dad. 

Ethan: anyway, I lost my fish…jumped in a lake after them…slept too close to the tent wall and got sick …ended up throwing up around 4am. Looking back…it probably was from jumping in the lake. A few years later I took my younger brother…he was into wilderness survival

Simon: and that went better. Like in animal planet. Right?

Ethan: a tornado came by and it stormed. We built a fire. And cooked little tiny cans of deviled ham. Which taste a lot like something that would probably belong to the chum bucket. The wind was so bad that the smoke from the fire kept blowing all over us. When the tornado went by …we finally decided to go home…

I smelled of soot 

My hands were burned. 

I threw my clothes away and never went again. 

Simon: Gee dad. That’s crazy. You should have brought a dog with you. 

Ethan: I’m just saying. I’ll take drinking inside every time. There are very few things I’m going to hike two miles for….well….I don’t know. 

Simon: Mom? 

Ethan: yeah.

Simon: Bacon?

Ethan: ehhhh

Simon: milk bones 

Ethan: ….

Simon: what if it felt more like a determined walk And less like a hike? 

Ethan: determined?

Simon: you guys are always so focused when we walk. 

Ethan: ok ok. Take a picture for Mom. 

Simon : picture time. Hello mom. We miss you. 

Simon: You’ll send this one to Dogue, right? 


Simon: Dad?

Simon : what, it’s  a thing dad. 


The one about timehop

If you’re feeling extra positive today. Before you post that Friday selfie. Check your “timehop” updates. You know,the thing that shows you everything you posted on this day…for every year you have been with Facebook. 

that’s the one. Facebook is relentless with it…

I can’t even remember where I left my glasses five minutes ago. They expect me to remember something I posted six or more years ago?

Some things you just shouldn’t have to see twice. 

I was hating it…

But then I started seeing where my other half had commented on things…little discussions I had long forgotten. 

Granted her attitude was more of 

And my attitude was more like

“I have hot sauce in my eye…I have hot sauce in my eye!”

There is no meme for that. 

I have no idea how we ended up together…
Believe it or not I haven’t always been as cool as I am now. 

Just a few blood oaths …

Some shaved unicorn horns …

And a handful of years later 

Here we are

So these days  I check timehop, just to see our old senseless debates.  Or just to feel better about my writing. (If you think it’s poor now? You haven’t seen anything.)

Now… If you insist on posting your Friday selfie. Just remember, FB will insist on reminding you of it. 

Have a killer weekend. 

The one about nothing 

Hey hey hey. I apologize for my absinthe…wait…I mean absence. Wow.Historically,those are two very different words. Also,one of which could result in your absence.

I’ve been busy a lot with work and sleep and cooking. I have a new chopping board. It is substantially better.Covering most of the counter, I can now devide my ingredients,sending them to their corners – as well as – quickly utilizing it as a shield if needed. Cooking is actually a fantastic skill to have. People used to say things while looking off in the distance …”you don’t know how to cook…I feel like that’s a major flaw…you look like you should be able to cook.”  I also look like Tony Stark but you don’t see me negotiating the flaws of that  with my bank. It wouldn’t go well. One, I’m not good with negotiating things and secondly the only weapon I ever invented,was a mud pie with gravels.Unless you count that one time I broke a slingshot because I laughed and it hurt someone else really really badly.

But back to culinary things …that’s what you call it once you stop burning things,culinary. I watch Hannibal while I cook which I admit almost convinces me to become a vegetarian. But it’s an awesome show so I continue. And there’s still bacon so I continue that as well.

You should embrace cooking. Especially with your person. Because that makes it so much better. Wine and music and food and it all leads to you both asleep on the couch. Not really. Not at all. Sometimes. It’s a great inside date though. You have to make your own meals,bro. 

In addition. For something new. I’m really tired of seeing selfie sticks everywhere. Have you seen the commercials with them? Kids driving cars with a big stick hanging  around…

That’s not safe driving people 

I can understand updates…but update the microwave. Give me the thing from Star Trek that makes whatever I ask it to… We’ve been nuking food radioactively since the 70’s -which would explain the hair styles of the 80’s …

It’s like an arm extension I would imagine.Wait a minute, Did Apple hire inspector gadget?  Because this has him all over it….

In truth 

This post is about nothing. 

And this is what you write 

When you’re putting off laundry. 

Stay cool. Until later. 


Beagle in the City

Hello,Person! My name is Simon. I’m a beagle mix…I don’t know what that means. But I have the EARS. Everyone says that anyway,but then everyone also says “that’s a Jack Russell Terrier.Yeah that’s a Jack Russel Terrier.” 

And then dad shows mom this picture and says in a gruff voice 

“Oh yeah,he’s a Jack Russel Terrier”


I’m Adopted  and so dad thinks I’m half Pointer. Not because of my legs either. But because one night I had   diarrhea and pounced on his face to wake him up pointing to the door. 

I just really had to go. So I was focused.

I like to collect things. Especially when our pack goes walking. Anything is collectable. And can be added to the pile behind the tree in our yard.

Things of value include 





Water bottles!

And sticks

I don’t know about cats 

I don’t see many 

Just a few 

I think they must be from a different kind of pack 

I boxed one once but I really wanted his fish toy.There were 4 cats that day. How did I do that? When did I learn to count? Anyway.  The black cat looked at me when I walked in and just sat down. She said. “Don’t eat that. Everything doesn’t go in your mouth. Slow down.” 

But I couldn’t calm down 

I don’t have hands !! Everything goes in my mouth.

So when I ate it.the fish with catnip.she just looked at the wall and said 

“Well,now I have 4 hours cleared off my schedule for today…it’s ok…you keep it.”

That was also the day I boxed with a kitten. But then he stuck his head in my mouth and looked at the other cats  “taa daa!!” 

All the other dogs in our big big den hate the mailman. I don’t know why,they bring my persons food. And boxes and then I get to watch them cook! And tear up the boxes. 

Don’t tell anyone 

But I also hunt giraffes. 

There are a lot of giraffes around here too. 

But it’s ok. 

I’m working on it.

I’ve got this. 

Well, I have to take a nap now. 

And wake up mom!

Bye person! 

To find out more about adopting a pet visit A new leash on life

The One About Elections

So,we finally have doctors running for president. Which is awesome. I’ve always thought we should have different people in office. With the exception of like-lawyers-maybe,they would probably be good negotiators…countries walking away like “wait a minute…we went to demand this…and we agreed to….”

But now we have (and this is just a small figure) maybe 12 doctors…and their campaign slogans read like they were written by Nicholas Sparks or the View….

It’s like having a bunch of billionaires and no one becomes batman. You’re DOCTORS

I just want to go vote and see a mysterious new Doc on the ballot with the caption 

i’ll be your huckleberry”

‘Cause let me tell you 

THAT will get all my votes…all 37 of them. I’m making up children old enough to vote. I’m calling my cousins my nephews…I don’t even have to know what you look like…you could be like the Wizard of Oz 

I don’t care. 

You’re a Doc and you’ve got your campaign together. 

Like Beyoncé and her secret album. 

I never had to hear a thing. 

But I bought it. 

Alien civilizations 


So the Internet is the only place where you can say …

“I’ve been following you for sometime now and…” 

And nobody panics. They Actually Get excited.

You start a conversation with that in daily life…or in our parents generation? you get shot with a flare gun  or worse


They even made films about it. With creepy phone calls. Maybe those villains weren’t villains at all…maybe they just wanted to say thanks for all the great content. Or maybe we all grew up to be those people on the Internet they warned us about. God knows we’re never going to make a phone call. Today we would just be Texting creepy lines …or commenting on social media….but never a phone call. 

Either way. At the end of the day.It’s been free entertainment for years.Youtube Comments. Facebook. All of it. And watching people try to navigate it like everyday life is worth a bowl of popcorn.


The one about flags and sex 

(I write a lot..and at times I try to be funny. Here are some edited things I have Taken from one 17 page letter I wrote to my fiancé. Enjoy.)

So,America legalised gay marriage. And the weirdest thing happened…I woke up this morning and still wanted to have morning sex with you…I didn’t suddenly become gay…that’s Crazy right?.

Meanwhile Germany started flying swastikas from the back of their volkswagons…you know, for pride and heritage…oh wait…that’s the American South. 

I’d like to think that all of this means we will talk about things …like you and me talk about things…but everyone will probably just walk around quietly and save it all for social media…because that’s worked really well so far in the past 14 years…

I wonder what Hitler would be posting if he had social media? Probably a bunch of scripture and struggling status’s on the progress of his memoir “my struggle”

I saw a politician say something about a kid that was shot …and he said “he deserved it because he was dressed like a gangsta”

Someone else said 

“Obey those in authority…no matter what.Because that’s what the bible says to do”

“He dressed to entice his murderer”

And I thought to myself …

Boy there’s all kinds of wins for the south this year.Try saying any of that at a feminest rally.see how far it gets you.”

You know,Einstein said to question authority and always always follow your conscience.Even if it means breaking the law. I like Einstein. Let’s vote for him. Oh wait…he’s dead. Noooooo 

I like that we can talk about things…which is surprising because I was homeschooled and a lot of homeschoolers don’t talk about anything…not all …but some…some experiences go a lot like …

“We’re not going to let you go to public school because they brainwash you.So you stay here where we will tell you what to think instead.Here,have some money”

Granted that’s not everyone but  it’s really like 50/50 which is only human nature. 

And still. Neither experience talks about sex. We live in a nation that sells it. But nobody talks about it. And somehow everyone learns about it. We all remember it though. I remember my dad trying to tell me about it. Because that’s what parents are supposed to do. I felt so bad for him. 

He made me watch horses. Horses. I do believe that may be the most southern thing I have ever said. I learned about sex and the human experience by observing Horses.

Which is a lot like dogs. Only everything is BIGGER and there’s kicking and dust and BITING (which is a lot like humans) and I remember they broke the barn. And then my dad saying “get closer,real close so you can see. Now a woman will enjoy this a lot more.” 

I tell you this…those words…came back to me every time I heard a woman talking about sex as I grew older  And I wondered if perhaps all men had observed horses…or if we were perhaps just doing it wrong…because clearly our women were not enjoying it MORE than the barn breaking session I observed that day…

(And then some closing things I cannot publish for you because it’s a little fresh.) 

Have a great week. 

 The Internet 

So…The Internet has been around a while now.Not only that.But so has Google. It’s old enough that people have started taking it serious.Not many of us remember a time before the Internet.This isn’t always a good thing, because, We start to assume people out there-smarter than us-are the ones running the Internet…now…we don’t know where they are…but they are there,posting articles…they have our best interest at heart. They’re looking out for your marriage.For your future. 

This of course is NOT the case. We forget that anyone,anywhere can put anything online.Like that person that knows everything about everything at your job…you know, the people that you want to punch in the throat on a daily basis. THOSE people.Only,it’s on the Internet like a bad it must be true.

For example. I’ve never noticed until lately. But. There are tons of articles JUST to help you catch your cheating partner… Not only that,they’re sending you emails about it…

“Is he cheating?”

“Is she cheating?”

” Catch them now”

“Why you shouldn’t tell her”

“Why you should tell her”

It’s paranoia out there…no wonder people don’t trust anyone…I mean,if we just took as much energy that we are expending on this…and just put it IN our relationships…imagine that.

But it makes you wonder what we did before the Internet…how did we know when someone was unhappy???

No Facebook status filled with passive aggression…no article to walk you through behaviours and patterns. 

Did the pioneers just come home to find their crops burned, the animals staked in the yard…hunting boots  filled with dirt …

one neighbour  looks at the other “don’t jump to conclusions or anything  …but I don’t think she’s too happy.”

And it’s not just relationships. It’s in everything. “I read it somewhere on the Internet.” Becomes more and more common place.which could be good…if we fact checked. But I don’t think that line is going to get you through finals.

The Internet.Going strong since the start of Google in ’98. In that same year the last sighting of Common Sense was reported.