For The Clumsy

 

So we just got a new bathroom floor.I’m pretty excited about it. I could write a thirty page thesis on it…but I’m holding myself back.That’s the thing about “adulting”, you get excited about things like floors.But never doors.I’m a clumsy person…which makes navigating everyday normal  things (like doors) a real catalyst for pain with me.

But what about showers,and bathing you ask?.Oh we can walk on water.Us the clumsy,but we can’t handle immovable objects.

    Small things give it away.My watch for example,it looks like it should belong to Han Solo, it has smitten so many objects. The other day, I was attempting to carry heavy things…you know,to look busy. Well I fell all over the place.Arms fully loaded. By all appearances,according to the evidence of video tape, and any  Hypochondriacs there that day…I may  have ALS. 

  My dad used to tell me to get my head out of the clouds and stop waving my arms around like a “Cartoon”. I guess he was on to something. It was so bad when I played baseball ( I know,that’s a real kicker ) that when I tried to throw the ball, would you believe it actually went behind me?. I do not lie. Now THIS was really the apex of all humiliation…a small child can swallow down…running into fences…missing pop flies…walking face first into a hand dryer and falling out in the women’s restroom half dead, because they were staring at a model that walked by …

But to throw a ball…fully extending the right hand …and it go with force,behind you. Well,that’s just the end of everything. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen…then you just look stupid.So,you have to turn around and look in the sand…because that’s where it’s buried…in the sand …like a bullet…directly behind you.

   Anyway,it drove my dad Crazy!. Looking back..I think it’s kind of funny. And it follows you around like a family curse.The first time you sliced an orange,you did everything right…only your hand was directly under,palming, said orange. That was the day you learned citrus and flesh wounds do not mix. 

And moving…

couches,pivoting couches,Closing car doors, Washing machines. If you’re clumsy or easily distracted and find yourself living in a world,surrounded by these objects?. You too may have The Great Turkey slicing story of  ’96. And many other scars. 

Fight Club

Anyone ever see Fight Club?

Of course,If you’re a real fan …you’re not allowed to talk about it.But when you see a film like this,it really gets you thinking about things.Like …how you’ve never been in an actual fight in your life…I’m sure I’d do well…if my life depended on it.But for some people,fighting is like a super masculine thing…they talk about it all the time. I feel more like Jerry Seinfeld on the sidelines making commentary at this point …this is intelligence for you? I don’t get it? Were you born into this world of the fighting?. Is your home town Sparta? Well,that must be some homecoming game.
But seriously, I only ever fought with my older brother and that ended badly…glass somehow in the back of my scalp…it was just sad.But for some cultures, it is a real sign of power,a right of passage into adulthood.Son reaches a certain age and BAM kills the father.Adult. Here we give you a car,keep you on the insurance plan,save your room for when you’re thirty and all your dreams and success send you back home.
You also see street fighting as a big thing in the 18th,19th century. Sherlock Holmes , The Titanic , Gangs of New York.Can you imagine being able to  fight for money? In those conditions? It’s not that glorious.Let me tell you,you go see the Doctor,He’s finishing up with a patient-wiping down a meat cleaver- “what ya got kid,busted eye socket? Lemme get the wife’s darning box…”

It just doesn’t seem like that successful of a career….it’s great now…people make millions in it…you can Pay-Per view that knockout my friend…

But I think the real power was somewhere else

Look at General Electric, The steel companies, Sky scrapers ….bada-bing-bada-bang. A very different kind of power. Like the Godfather. There’s a much better film…

Make them an offer they can’t refuse…you know,like with a horse head in their bed…and if  you should have to cut somebody down…make sure you outsource the killing ….

 I guarantee you…wives and women had something to do with all of this success…’cause men just gravitate to blood and fights..that’s why pay-per view is still a thing…

If it weren’t for women giving us a plan for the day…we’d still be in the streets like Gangs of New York.

The one about laundry,the one about the face

The one about the  face

Can we talk about something??

Trends maybe?

Such as women…shaving their Face 

Yes,women do this. It is a new #trend 

One that I do not understand 

It is supposed to exfoliate the skin 

And help with makeup 

And they are — apparently 

Worried about invisible hairs that drive their men crazy…

Ok,I have to say.

As a dude. I hate,hate shaving.which is why I have a beard. It is not exfoliating.

It is painful.You scrape off skin and hair with a blade…everyday for 45 55 years? Your face?  now a leather product my friend….

And it burns..even the cold side of the pillow is against you…

And peach fuzz??

 Microscopic lip hairs?

Your guy has a lot of hidden issues if he’s noticing things like that….

There’s a lot more you two should be talking about.

But seriously 

We hate shaving 

And for some reason it’s always really a masculine thing that guys do in movies…

But let me tell you 

We havent felt like Captain America whilst shaving,since that first time we shaved when we were 7 …Ever since then …it’s just another burden…like going to the bathroom after coffee.We don’t even think about it.

So in essence 

It doesn’t make sense 

That women-who probably shave a lot more areas than guys anyway… would just be like: “well, here’s an area we haven’t shaved before. Let’s add this to the list.it already takes so damn long anyway.”

If you want to shave once…go for it…

Everyone does it.

It’s not like your face is going to awaken from the sudden exfoliation and grow a beard from it. 

But after that,remember,your face looks,Devine.


The one about Laundry

My girlfriend,she’s a nurse 

she finds it weird that I clean ALL her uniforms together. Nothing else gets put in that load of laundry.

And I’ll tell you why.

Its because I don’t know what’s on there.

And I’m a pretty calm, average,nervous american person…

If  I can see the germs I’m good.

Sometimes slow at comprehending my own demise…

Like that guy who was all like: WebMD my ribs are sticking out is this bad …

I’m right in there with you,man.

Like a marine.

But it’s the things that I —can’t see.

they talk to me 

Always,in John Mulaneys voice too …

“I have aids,I have Ebola,I have Lupus and one more thing…that nobody’s even discovered yet.”

So that –all that gets washed,one load,all together.Every time.

And that doesn’t make me an obsessive compulsive “germaphobe” either. ‘Cause come Thanksgiving, when you slice your hand open cutting turkey, I’m right in there,with duct tape and a towl applying pressure.

The time capsule

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So I guess this social media thing is here to stay…
Which is weird for me
Mostly because 10 – 13 years ago it wasn’t a thing …
But then neither was any of us
We were all awkward
Without very much to say
And who knows maybe one day
we can go dig up that home made time capsule from 1999
and retrieve the green screened Nokia flip phone
And return to Tetris!

But seriously
Back then nobody was that social
I remember this because
If you wanted people to know you were having a baby?
A wedding?
You had to make an investment
You went and laid down your satchel
And got a professional picture made
And put that thing in the paper
For ….pretty much your local community to see.
Not the entire world.
But some parents
And people
Always got worked up about it
Shaking their heads
They’d comment on the stupidity
And the vanity
Of it all
“Someone is going to steal that baby,idiots.”
They’d say.
And I always pictured
A creeper van driving through town reading the paper
Taking names
And addresses
Of adorably vain new couples

Now?
You have smart phones
And GPS
In the delivery room
Husbands taking sweaty pictures
Of their wives faces
“Hold your hand??
Hold on,just one more of your vagina
That way the baby knows where it came from.”
Regardless of the sex of said baby
Trust me
At some point in their future
They will be familiar again
With the vagina
And
No one
No-one
Wants to see those pictures

The government
can see those pictures
And trust me
They don’t care about it that much
To prove this
And settle the argument forever
they decided to really slow things down
Through the smart television
Now they can WATCH you
Anytime
Interesting ….
You would think
All the porn searches
And pictures of cats would have slowed them down
Or at least depressed them…
Now they are going to see you watching Netflix
And crying
While eating Cheetos
And Krystals before passing out
Because Krystals is like thanksgiving
In a little bun.
Where as Taco Bell?
More like black tar Heroin.
Almost kills you…but you just keep coming back for that last hit.

Social media ruined my childhood dream of reading people’s minds
It’s not that interesting
I don’t care about your 5th date/love of your life.
I just want to beat you at trivia crack
Honestly I do.

But regardless …
Whether social media lives or dies
We will probably live to tell the tale
And if we die …
Well it’s our new time capsule for
Extra terrestrial life
And future generations …
Just let that sink in.

The one about Trees

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So recently it’s been snowing a bit
And by that
I mean a very minuscule amount
But not here
More like,away from here
Up north
And up to the fifth floor at that

And there’s a thing similar to the joys
Of the ice bucket challenge going around
Where youths are jumping from
Windows into the snow
Oh,and they’re practically naked

I don’t know what they get from this
Other than landing on horribly painful hidden objects
That I’m sure they’ve
Forgotten about
Now that they’re
Buried in this
White magic unicorn dust
Called snow

But I imagine it must be
Somewhat like the impulse
I used to have after it rained
When I was a child
And I would tear outside
On my bike
And ride through the yard
Water spraying from the tires!
Mud! and mud!
Splattering all up my back

And then there was dad
Screaming, half running across the yard Shaking his fist …
Because, we were messing up his grass.

Dad was very protective
Of his yard
Or at least
The Front Yard
Trees
Weeds
Flowers
I mean for real
You could pull a weed
And he’d replant the weed

One time …
When I was very,very young
And very,very smart
I got tired of
Mowing under all the
Trees in the front yard
Their low hanging limbs
always hitting my face over and over again dragging me off the lawn mower
Gasping for life

Which led me to one of those “once in a lifetime” idea’s
(They call them that not because they’re great but rather,because you shouldn’t have lived to tell the tale)

Mine
involved a saw ….
With which
I cut every single limb off the lower half of the trees in the front yard
Not the back yard
The front – yard
Now keep in mind
My father wouldn’t even let us climb the trees in the front yard
We had to go in the back yard to do that.
They looked like
Holiday suckers
All bare and pointy tree shaped tops
And the best part?
I actually thought it was a great idea!
I was so convinced of this
That i walked inside
And told my father
With a smile on my face
To look outside the window
For a big surprise …
And I will never forget…
Him slowly getting up
From his chair
turning to the window
And dropping his coffee cup
standing there in silence
And
That’s when it hit me
This was a horrible idea
If the tree limbs didn’t get him
The motor oil sure didn’t help

I should add one
Minuscule detail
not only had I chopped the limbs off
EVERY tree in our front yard
I tried to help the trees recover
Because I remembered seeing
Somewhere
That tar smeared on them helped
Slow the bleeding sap
So I got motor oil – because THOSE are the same thing
I smeared motor oil on ALL the trees

So now
It looked like a
Christmas tree massacre!
Motor oil, just running down from the trees …
People were slowing down in their cars just to look and point
While covering their children’s eyes.

dad was still standing there
Just staring out the window

Which was ok
Because my common sense had finally caught up to me
And I was running out the front door
Like a mad man
Fully intending on staying absent until I was at least 75
Unless they could come up with a plan on re-grafting 45 to 125 year old tree limbs
In the next half hour.

And this is what gets written
When there’s nothing else to write

Reagan,ehh

IMG_5184.JPG(photo-that time I met batman and robin)

I’ve written about children
Earlier today
And as you know…
I have a brother
Named reagan
Whom you all love

Reagan is like a bundle of energy
He drives me up the wall
And yet he’s a lot of fun too
Just the other day
I went to have breakfast with reagan
He likes to introduce me to his new projects …
Volcanoes (real volcanoes,violent, that he made in the out of doors)
Legos (not the kind you grew up with.the kind that cause dementia)
Books (real books,like the diary of a wimpy kid and other stories that are similar…)

But recently
Recently
He’s taken on a vocal challenge

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For example
On his first hayride
He yelled out
“Oh noo,we’re coming too close to the wood!”
Just like that
“The wood”

And then
At breakfast
He looked at me and laughed
With his very chipmunk like laugh
And said
“You were trying to be funny,ehh?”
Just like that
In a very Canadian way
My brother continued
To harass me with the best
Sarcasm I’ve ever experienced
In my life
It is Genetic
It skipped me
I am simply a very vain smart ass
But he and my older brother
They can cut you down
“You are 25,ehh
so when are you going to find a lover and get married like Jonathan,ehh.”
“You really have a fancy beard,ehh?”

It was like some kind of witchcraft
I cannot explain it
But it was hilarious
I don’t know where he met a Canadian
We live in Alabama
And he is homeschooled

Maybe in a video game
Maybe on tv
Who knows
But he’s hilarious
And also 10
So I thought I would document this

The one about driving

I’m a terrible driver
You should know this
I mean
Really really know
I’m a terrible driver

I think I’m a great driver
But
That’s because I’m a guy
I can’t just walk around
Feeling bad about it
That’s just stupid

I’m directionally challenged
If it’s night time
I can’t find anything
At all
Most of my dates just drive
At night
But that’s better
Than me driving around in
A circle trying to find the
Interstate

My sister lives in
Birmingham
The same place
For almost
A Decade
Let this sink in ….

I usually use a gps
But this trip I was like
“Use this navigator ?
Nah i know what I’m doing
I’ve only gotten lost
Every single time”

My thing with this trip
Is missing the exit
I always think it says something else
Like
“University blvd”
It says
“Exit 2a”
I drive right passed it
The roads were cleaner this time
I don’t know what I was thinking
I ended up half way to
Montgomery or Tuscaloosa
I don’t know
I’m a very lazy person
So I get out my navigator
And find my way back
Completely let down

I mean
If this were
An apocalypse
And death were everywhere?
I’d be dead
Throw me in a city
And I’d be dead
“Yeah you just turn here
Then again here
Wait we were just at this place
Maybe we go here
Dammit to hell
We’re out of gas”

I don’t see myself being very awesome
It’s very disappointing
Like a serious character flaw
I’d be that guy
The guy who is so thankful
For Liam Neeson

I’m not staring into the distance
Planning things
Like Clint Eastwood
I’m lost in my car
Probably about to die

My mom had this
Same exact thing
And I used to make fun of her
For it
She’d turn down the radio
And scream at us
Whenever she pulled out into the interstate
“Not now! Be quiet!”

And she grew up in Chattanooga
I mean that was in the 70s
But it was still very distant from the mountains of Alabama
I wasn’t there
But I assume
They had some buildings
A bridge over the same body of water
An art museum
Which is more than
Here in Alabama
they had
A sock factory
Where they made a lot of socks

Now I have so much understanding
I remember hitting my steering wheel and breathing out
“Shhhhhit!”
On a date once
I don’t remember that specifically
But that’s what my
Date says I did
But couldn’t see anything
And so we switched
And she drove home
Laughing
And I was thinking back to my childhood
And In my mind
I was saying
“Oh,I get it
I completely understand
This is what that is.”

So children
If your parents
turn down the
Am radio static
Or Beyoncé
Just to help them see things
You should know
It just got real
And real
Is probably genetic
And it’s coming for you

The fine art of texting

I sent this as
A text earlier to friends
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Every year more
Potato chips
Are replaced by air

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Yet I continue to eat them
It’s disgusting I know

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But because of these Koreans
And their lone raft
I feel liberated
I feel like I have a voice again

So…

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Potato chip companies!

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the fine art of texting
What you just read was a text
I just sent to a friend of mine
I love that you can put gifs
In texts
I hate that FB is still a dick
About it though
a picture that moves?
Why don’t you want a
Picture that doesn’t move?
Here
have an oversized emoji

they don’t even understand
It’s on my phone
It’s moving
And I try to share it in the messenger
And you kill it…
Everytime
That’s what I love about technology
It’s run by nerds
Nerds understand
I mean they can’t help it
Governments want to use their
Technology to watch us
“Oh we can read conversations”
Great
Most of those are drunk texts
And conversations about cats

all we want are
little moving reaction pictures

That’s all it takes to entertain us …
Literally.

The stories we tell 2

The kids always try to sell me off
To women
Like I’m in an infomercial
“This is our boss!
He’s single!
ATLEAST we think!
He’s so devoted
And loyal
He’s been here for ages!
This is his laugh
It’s a nice laugh
It’s ok if you don’t like it
He has other kinds
He’s taking his jacket off now
he gets warm when he laughs
He’s really tall
He has talents too!
He writes!
He has a stalker
That means he’s famous! ”

If we ever have a new employee who thinks I’m cold recluse etc
the guys come up
X-man : Wait! He’s got game!
He’s just got a business to run
But when he’s not here..
There’s the girl with the bug remember ?? She was here every day for like three months! Everyday at 5
Sid: I’ve never seen any single girl
find more reasons to buy food than that girl I was expecting a wedding!!
So much kissing….
Me: guys…guys…
Both: and our personal favorite!
The summer of 30!
a 30 year old
She was HOT
There’ll never be another…
He’s got game
He just knows what he wants

Me: guys …I have a number in my mind….
isle 2,3,4,5, and ice cream filled and fronted before 7

Sid: right
X-man: right

Advice:
Just because elderly women tip you
Like 5 bucks if you give them a hug
doesnt mean you should…
They have nothing to lose
Nothing
They will grab you they will kiss you
They will
Not let go
You’ve been warned