Writer’s Log

I’m tired

We’re all tired

It’s a month in

Driving home through GA

The interstate was clear like thanksgiving ….

No, like the Iron Bowl

I’m glad for this mountain, this space…

But we have no real timeline

How is this sustainable ?

Maybe I’m just tired

I’m having a very different experience than most people

Being on the front lines if you will…

I just want to sleep

Drink

And write

If I could

I would drink and fuck my way through this but I can’t

And I already know I wouldn’t

I’m a giver

And I’m concerned

And I can’t sleep

It’s a month in

When all of this is over

They will open the bars

And the restaurants

The theatres

You won’t be able to get a seat

Then i will go into quarantine

And I will sleep

I will vacation at my home in the mountains

I will write

And I will sleep

When this is over

I will kiss you

And I will see you

Paragraphs in number

I lay there

In the floor

Staring into the ceiling

Thinking about all that I took for granted

How abruptly it all stopped

How many times I said things like

“You can vent to me anytime. Or we can sit in silence.”

And how right now, you can’t even sit in silence and hold one another …

I think about reading to you

And how the silences were

I think about winter, when the snow is fresh and the ice has something to say, covering everything in the morning….

I still have so much to say

I’m afraid I don’t know how

I’m afraid for all of us

I’m just afraid

Live your life

Live it fully

The silences

The paragraphs

The breaks

Live it unashamedly

Live it fully

Every moment

The sadness

The pain

The joy

Live it

Be aware of it

Be aware of yourself

And this life

And your place in it

Let us not go silently

Alone

Let us go beautifully

Like falling stars

Aware of the time

And that all of this is brief

You’re doing it right

Stay

Stay

Live to fight so many more days

Let your souls light be like the morning, I have no doubt, after this midnight, we all will be moved by your rise…

Writers Log

I’ve started trying to keep a better journal, I know this is a once in a lifetime event, everything is happening so fast, I’m very aware that there are events I will miss or forget altogether.

I don’t want to be so caught up in trying to survive or just being self absorbed that I miss it.

Honestly I probably miss a lot. I start my day at 4am and it usually ends around 6 or 7pm

I’ve spent almost 20 years working retail, specifically grocery. I’ve never seen it this wild.

I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of aspects of this, mostly because I over think everything. But I don’t want to add to the hysteria.

I have my cashiers wear gloves and I start every day cleaning empty shelves, registers and shopping carts. Even when the tornadoes came through in 2011 it wasn’t this wild. Most of my days have run together. I’m just trying to write more and not think too much about it. I keep telling myself “this is once in a lifetime.”

But honestly, I’m exhausted. Patient, grateful for community and thankful for a job and my employees. But exhausted.

I’m thinking about moving soon. Maybe to the mountain. I haven’t been that way in years. But it’s where I grew up. I feel strange, a certain way about it. I can’t pin point it. But I will figure it out. I think it might be good for me.

Time heals everything. You grow, trying or not you grow. Like a vine, around and through. Time is going to move you.

I need to start cooking again. I miss it.

I’m trying to piece another manuscript together. I’m not sure why. I just feel like I need to stay busy.

I’m terrified that I’m not a good person. I’m growing older. I just want to be good. Not perfect just good. I need to figure this out. The root. The base value.

Like math everything has a base value. Find it. Break the problem down. It’s easier to digest.

Just be good. Just be good. Be decent. Understanding. Listen.

Write. Everyday.

Ashes

Someone said there are years that make us

And there are years that break us

There are years that ask questions

And there are years that answer

——

Maybe we are still waiting

Breathing

Hoping

——

I’m simply listening

Listen

To the sound your heart makes

When it is happy

When it is at peace

To the sound your thoughts make

The rooms they paint you

When you are at peace

——

The water looks troubled

But all the dark things

Move in it’s deep

We all have those waters

And if the earth can calm itself

So can I

So must I

So shall I

——

Listen

2020 Graffiti

Floating in the water

Snow falls against the skin

The dogs run along the river

Feel

The earth, the sky

Can you make it ?

The machines have been here for

As long as time

Can you find yourself

Silence your mind

Find your heart beat

Find the earth

What do you hear?

Pull from that

What darkness

Have we seen

They said he drowned in the river

They said he overdosed

They said the demons came back

They said

I feel my soul being ripped in half

I can’t sleep

I find myself there in the river

Ice cold water

I see the stars

I hear your name

I am grateful

Breaking points

You walked through my heart

Like Elizabeth Taylor

Your redhair

And

You commanded

My attention

What else was I suppose to do

I couldn’t live

Without loving you

Live without

We all lived

Now I’m dying

——

I still find pieces of you

Pieces of me

Of us

Inside all my notebooks

Mexican takeout Scribbled

I try to order the write

Words

Hoping to bring them together

But I know

I know

Feel Free

Maybe the ocean runs out of breath and that’s why it keeps crashing against the shore

——-

Maybe we were meant to be free,

Maybe it’s a look that lasts longer than it should

All the champagne

All the lights

Pack my bags

The streets in this town

They all are leading out

She feels free

It was just her lips

A kiss

Couldn’t turn around

The universe in her eyes

Feel the ocean in her skin

Crashing against the shore

Anchored together

Forget the night

Everything is

Everything is new in the morning …