2020 #7

JFK

Where to begin

Without looking back?

We’ve all been here before

We just have forgotten

I grow tired

Tired of self help

Tired of whining

Tired of hate. I hear a young college girl complain while taking another selfie, about an article she saw the headline of , and it just is the reason she can’t live here anymore. The headline of the article never read ruins her entire day.

A black man, got up on a Sunday and ate breakfast with his wife, then went to work, getting paid, $3.01 an hr no overtime, to dig the grave of JFK…it was an honor, he said.

Bobby Kennedy

I’m tired of social media

We’ve lost touch

I hope we change

I hope as a collective we remember, community. We rely on each other.

The Kennedy’s were assassinated

Martin Luther King Jr was Assassinated

Malcolm X assassinated

Jackie stood, covered in her husbands blood, refusing to cry, refusing to look away from her husbands face…

This is what the Doctor remembers…

We cry about hating this country

We cry about not getting the love we deserve…

If any family had a reason to hate this country, it was the Kennedy family… assassinated by the people they served…

Or maybe Jesus

Or maybe Martin Luther

Look through history…

You can’t postpone your growth

At some point

You have to get up

And take those chances

Facing yourself

And the risk

We win some

We lose some

It’s always been bad

It’s always been good

You can get stuck in these cycles

But at some point

You have to understand

The greatest seat

Is the citizen

The greatest power

Is love

Getting up every day

The honor to live and love

And be better than you were yesterday …

This is life…

We will step out of this

Better.

Having faced ourselves

And having won.

2020 #6

You can’t postpone everything …

Ethan Bethune

We live inside of moments, memories. We hit replay over and over again. We live to do the self work. The turning over. The science of learning to live and love ourselves. We are children in a playground. Unable to read the warning signs. Because we are pretending to read the alphabet.

Surgeons…who laid and paid someone else to write our papers.

Time is running out…

We begin to die the second we are born.

We will never be this young again.

Ethan Bethune

I saw the sunrise this morning

Ethan Bethune

When I got home tonight

A deer was in my driveway

Rabbits are always at my porch

Hawks are flying outside my window

Snakes are sunning in my driveway

I’m reminded

That we get caught up trying to figure this out …

And missing the big picture

Just be present

I’m not going to be here forever

Hearts have been broken before

Psalms have been written before

Bitches have existed before

Work has always been here

Everyone dies

Someone dug Kennedy’s grave

For 3.01 cent an hour on a Sunday

They said it was an honor .

Today I’m sure there would be a social media storm about it…

What I’m saying,

We all have this in common. But we all have hearts.

You can’t postpone everything…

You don’t have time

Live your life

Do the work

Get over it

Move on

Be here now

See this earth

This morning is new

This thunderstorm

This sunset

Let yourself

End and begin again

Let yourself

Be here now.

Writer’s Log

I’m tired

We’re all tired

It’s a month in

Driving home through GA

The interstate was clear like thanksgiving ….

No, like the Iron Bowl

I’m glad for this mountain, this space…

But we have no real timeline

How is this sustainable ?

Maybe I’m just tired

I’m having a very different experience than most people

Being on the front lines if you will…

I just want to sleep

Drink

And write

If I could

I would drink and fuck my way through this but I can’t

And I already know I wouldn’t

I’m a giver

And I’m concerned

And I can’t sleep

It’s a month in

When all of this is over

They will open the bars

And the restaurants

The theatres

You won’t be able to get a seat

Then i will go into quarantine

And I will sleep

I will vacation at my home in the mountains

I will write

And I will sleep

When this is over

I will kiss you

And I will see you

Paragraphs in number

I lay there

In the floor

Staring into the ceiling

Thinking about all that I took for granted

How abruptly it all stopped

How many times I said things like

“You can vent to me anytime. Or we can sit in silence.”

And how right now, you can’t even sit in silence and hold one another …

I think about reading to you

And how the silences were

I think about winter, when the snow is fresh and the ice has something to say, covering everything in the morning….

I still have so much to say

I’m afraid I don’t know how

I’m afraid for all of us

I’m just afraid

Live your life

Live it fully

The silences

The paragraphs

The breaks

Live it unashamedly

Live it fully

Every moment

The sadness

The pain

The joy

Live it

Be aware of it

Be aware of yourself

And this life

And your place in it

Let us not go silently

Alone

Let us go beautifully

Like falling stars

Aware of the time

And that all of this is brief

You’re doing it right

Stay

Stay

Live to fight so many more days

Let your souls light be like the morning, I have no doubt, after this midnight, we all will be moved by your rise…

Writers Log

I’ve started trying to keep a better journal, I know this is a once in a lifetime event, everything is happening so fast, I’m very aware that there are events I will miss or forget altogether.

I don’t want to be so caught up in trying to survive or just being self absorbed that I miss it.

Honestly I probably miss a lot. I start my day at 4am and it usually ends around 6 or 7pm

I’ve spent almost 20 years working retail, specifically grocery. I’ve never seen it this wild.

I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of aspects of this, mostly because I over think everything. But I don’t want to add to the hysteria.

I have my cashiers wear gloves and I start every day cleaning empty shelves, registers and shopping carts. Even when the tornadoes came through in 2011 it wasn’t this wild. Most of my days have run together. I’m just trying to write more and not think too much about it. I keep telling myself “this is once in a lifetime.”

But honestly, I’m exhausted. Patient, grateful for community and thankful for a job and my employees. But exhausted.

I’m thinking about moving soon. Maybe to the mountain. I haven’t been that way in years. But it’s where I grew up. I feel strange, a certain way about it. I can’t pin point it. But I will figure it out. I think it might be good for me.

Time heals everything. You grow, trying or not you grow. Like a vine, around and through. Time is going to move you.

I need to start cooking again. I miss it.

I’m trying to piece another manuscript together. I’m not sure why. I just feel like I need to stay busy.

I’m terrified that I’m not a good person. I’m growing older. I just want to be good. Not perfect just good. I need to figure this out. The root. The base value.

Like math everything has a base value. Find it. Break the problem down. It’s easier to digest.

Just be good. Just be good. Be decent. Understanding. Listen.

Write. Everyday.

Ashes

Someone said there are years that make us

And there are years that break us

There are years that ask questions

And there are years that answer

——

Maybe we are still waiting

Breathing

Hoping

——

I’m simply listening

Listen

To the sound your heart makes

When it is happy

When it is at peace

To the sound your thoughts make

The rooms they paint you

When you are at peace

——

The water looks troubled

But all the dark things

Move in it’s deep

We all have those waters

And if the earth can calm itself

So can I

So must I

So shall I

——

Listen