if beige was a feeling

I wonder what the news will bring today?

Everyone is going to need something to write , something to sell…
I wonder if we will be ok
Every one of us has lost someone
we love
That love
That time
Our hearts so young
Remember us hitting on all the nurses and doctors while they were in school?
Praising them when they graduated
These days
Our eyes
Are gray

– if beige was a feeling,
she says…
And we think we know better
While we had kids and loans and homes
They studied and wrote journals
for decades
And I took a chance
Burnt out
I rolled the dice
And I made it
But I don’t feel anything, these days
Are so long
The heart can only stand so much pain

– We can talk about anything but covid, I’m living it.
She says …
We are like veterans from war
Eyes fixed
Killing whatever was left inside
Life is easier once you realize you’re already dead…
No one ever realizing what we’ve seen
What she’s seen every single day
While we endlessly scroll
And she cries in my arms
Because there’s too much loss
Too much death
And she feels like a car hop because of politics and administration
And there’s no beds
There’s never enough
And never a break
And everyone thinks they know
But it’s too much
And it’s the same day every day
And it’s not what it once was
Added to the struggle of an everyday life
How are we supposed to be ok
After this?
After we ghost ourselves
Do we know what we will become
And a kid cries because
They think they killed their parents
I wonder what we will become after this
I wonder what the news brings today
I wonder what we will do after this
And I wonder if we will ever feel again…


Letters to a Nurse #15

Thank you for being the amazing woman you are.

We have a pretty great thing 

A nice family 

A cool dog 

He says hi 

You always keep me calm and grounded 

You’ve helped me write more boldly 

I hope I continue to make you proud  

I don’t know what I would do without you. 

And more

You’re beautiful 

I’ve always thought so 

I don’t know how 

But you grow more 

Beautiful and radiant 

Every day 

I love every part of you 

Every curve 

Thank you for loving me 

And for picking me 

Believing in me 

It is the honour of my life 

To be your man.


Talks with Women #5

In nursing school, they tried to sell all of us on the joys and self-fulfillment of becoming a nurse. Instructors tried to make nursing out to be this grandiose profession that is all rewarding. I guess from day one I realized the difference between me and a lot of my classmates…I was no Florence Nightingale.

I have been a night shift nurse since I graduated. I enjoy the night shift. It seems the family bond happens faster with night crews. There aren’t as many of us to depend on so when “the shit hits the fan” as we say, all of us are in it together. I wouldn’t trade my night family for anything.

I guess I’m luckier than most when it comes to having a spouse who is understanding about working nights. My better half is also a night shift nurse in the ICU. We were able to work things out to be on the same schedule and that just makes life easier. It’s also nice to have someone really understand what I face daily. A lot of my night family aren’t as lucky.

Night shift has its pros and cons. I can say I have seen a lot more intense situations on nights than I ever did when I worked ER on days. On the flip side, I have missed a lot of family and friends events. I’ve missed several of my son’s school functions and I will miss another this month…senior prom. We sacrifice a lot for what seems to be the good as a whole, but doesn’t mean we don’t feel the void of what we miss. Maybe that is a big part of what bonds us night shifters. We understand that we are all missing something important to come together to save others.

It’s stressful. Going from one room where you tried your hardest to save a patient to another where the patient is mad you forgot their water. This new found mentality of entitlement everyone has nowadays makes Susie Q think her sore throat is more important than the man next door that lost his battle to stay with his wife a little longer. It makes me mad that healthcare has come down to giving patient’s a spa like stay versus saving lives. That’s the downside of nursing for me…politics.

I am an ER nurse. It’s the only place that makes sense for me. No, I’m not the nurse that will blow smoke up your ass or cater to your complaints. I’m not the nurse that will baby you and let you speak to me, or my work family, any way you please. I will most likely be identified as the “mean one” out of the group, but that’s ok because at the end of the day I know I did my job and I did it right. I am the straight forward, no nonsense nurse that may give certain patients nightmares.

Working in the ER changes you, it hardens you, but those of us that work the ER know how fragile life really is and to live it to the fullest. I’m not in it for the compliments or patient satisfaction scores. I’m in it to save lives.

Cyndi, ER Nurse, Alabama  
 Photo origin unknown 

Talks with Women #2

First and foremost I am a mom, well that was until night shift lol.

I have 5 children (2 biological girls and 3 chosen boys) and don’t forget my 4 legged son Jasper.

Through nursing school I was a single mom, working full time, and helping my ill parents.

I met the love of my life Adam, New Year’s Eve 2013.We recently married December 17th. Just ran to the courthouse then I came to work that night.It was spontaneous and we are responsible adults knowing I had to work that night, so I did.

Recently I have felt depressed. Up until becoming a nurse I never missed anything with the children (ballgames, choir concerts, field trips etc).

I feel like I miss a lot!

Not to mention the wonderful man I married probably thinks of me more as a ghost.

However, I love what I do. Every part of it ,except getting spit at…. that part is gross. Oh and our team saving someones life only to have them curse us the minute they can.

The pride I feel knowing I worked my butt off to get here is wonderful. Being able to look at someone and decide what they need to live is a great feeling.

However,I don’t think I will ever get enough rest or time with my family.

Sometimes I honestly feel like an outsider now. I sleep while my husband is at work, kids at school. They come home I get up and go to work.

My 15 year old daughter does not come to me with any problems anymore. I am so thankful my husband accepts her as his own (she has never had a dad) and I love the relationship they have.

However, I need to feel needed like before. I have the need to help people but now feel as though I can’t help my own family besides with money.

I feel like all I just did was vent to you…

Amanda-Emergency Nurse- Alabama