I am up with the morning, I Fry bologna and slice a tomato and onion toast and eggs… —— You have this idea in your head Whatever it is, it’s been sold to you… Somewhere you heard it and the pitch and you decided to buy it and believe it and make it your own… —— Who is worse, me or the narcissist ? The hammer or the nail? The artist with their delusion Or the average person unable to see what we see? I make coffee There’s a woman in my bed sleeping with the rain ——/ We all need company, touch, a heart that listens Someone to nurture the good in us Someone to help us feel normal If just for a night —— We work and hope we can still live… Hope we can be good or better than what we know or fear we really are inside…
It’s a long walk From the dream To the graveyard Soles of your shoes Worn through You try for your art For your love You try to write But is it the words ? Or the aesthetic Would the life The words Stand on their own? The hash The filter The aesthetic We are group thought Born into this newsfeed Conditioned and groomed And we are shot through By the stale morning breath that is reality
We were young And We didn’t have expectations We thought that made us better But it was a lie Everybody has expectations Even if it’s expecting us NOT to have them… But it was really just saying I’m afraid I’ll let you down And then you will leave —- People stay with what they know We dated people that would date us for 7 years while looking for their soulmate And we dated people who didn’t have any goals or ambition But why ? A friend from out of town asked me one night … I told them it’s just easier because If you’re with someone who knows exactly what they want Where they are headed You’re suddenly afraid Because you might not be what they need And you might not get a second chance with them if you let them down or hurt them But with these other people You can waste decades And there’s no risk It’s just what we know What we are comfortable with And used to Like anything else ….
They just looked at me Shook their head Poured another drink…
Trust me When I say There will be things in life You will be unsure of Tax returns Hummus Avocados Speed limits Correct dates of Apts The spelling of wed- whatever But there are somethings That you will NOT be unsure of Love is one of them What you bring to the table Is one of them You deserve
Chicken soup On sick days Massages Sweaters Dances in the kitchen Showers together Month long birthdays And month long valentines Sunday brunches Christmas Letters Fresh flowers Always But uncertainty in love And yourself Is not one of them So if they are uncertain Just leave Because you deserve sureness You deserve Everything you bring And more -Regardingsamuel.com
But oh When the kids ask About the pictures Stained From the dirt and ash and tears and blood You tell them the truth —— From the dirt We rose Hearts of dust and rust And thorns And the banks kept calling And all you had is what you had left And any touch you had Was just too far off —— The love you had Whatever love you held Checked out And you kicked them out And patched the holes in the walls They don’t come around here anymore —— And we drank To hide the shame And the pain And to feel nothing —— That’s the thing About being that far behind They’re loading the chamber You’re on the line The bullseye —— Sure it levels every man Sure It evens out in the end If you survive —— But out of time is out of time Dust is dust Whatever help Was coming Took too, too long So you had your breakdown You burned out Because that’s the thing Too late is too late Out of time is out of time —— Tell the kids that You tell them how it really was How you had to rebuild Making bricks from mud and ash.
Maybe it’s too close To the chest We pick the weapons we know best I’ll take the knives That cut at my sides, The dream. She’ll take the chains That she can break through, Run. Give us freedom, Like the crow flies. Give us freedom, Like the sunrise. Give us freedom, From our nightmares, Trash in the floor, Because of a credit card accidentally thrown away. Raised voices Thrown chairs, Slamming doors, And words… Words that you live and die by Used against you. Used to hurt eachother In the darkness. You get what you have, Worse, You get what you are What you really are And multiply…. Give us freedom Like the crow flies Give us freedom From our last past, worse self Give us freedom. To live and die Give us freedom from My sickness Freedom from Lying in a bathtub with my own blood Freedom from the weight loss Freedom for my mind Freedom Give us freedom Because I’m building I’m working I’m winning And I refuse to give in Freedom -E
“I miss my dad. He kind of died on this day.” “From what you’ve told me, he was shitty. You pick your family. They’re not blood.”
I probably should’ve left then… We were just incompatible And it’s not anyone’s fault…. It’s just how things go. We were so young.
You’re going to lose, You already know how this ends. It’s not you against the world, It’s you against you, Against your ideals, Your ego.
Beauty fades Sex fades You’re going to lose, Businesses Careers Finances Children Parents Siblings Pets Each other Mental health Health —— It’s hospitals NG tubes Surgery ——- It’s more than Netflix and chill More than Romance More thank vacations More than weekends —— You will win too You will have weddings And children And birthdays Holidays Valentines Weekends Sunday breakfasts Hours and hours of the best sex But it’s so, so important that You find someone Who understands What it is to lose And how to just be there When you do not feel Your best self —— Because you will lose You already know How this ends We all do And I hope you are fortunate To find someone You can grow with And grow old with Understand One of you may take growing old Harder than the other That you may look And say it’s like you’ve Fell in love fifty different times With every new version Of each other see That love Is evolving It’s an empty home That you fill And you both have furniture and ideas …. I hope you understand You get what you already have And multiply it…. May it always be peace Understanding And a place you can call home. But most of all Love. -E Regardingsamuel.com