Clay

I wondered what artist must have felt, from their studios, during war times…if they felt any significance, to continue to carve at clay, to continue to shape, to continue to paint…

Hearts, beating in my head, like drums, you face it, you always must face it, carving your way through it, with ink and pain, bleeding out on this page…

You walk through grief…

There is no other way…

Even when it feels insignificant

Meaningless

——

Maybe this is how we love

Even when it feels meaningless

Even when we feel nothing

Maybe

This is how we live

How

The work must feel

Does it know it is art?

Does it breathe ?

Does it carry us with it?

Is it just clay

Ink

Paint

In a room –

Empty of us –

Empty ?

Or is it aware

Of the darkness in the earth

The grief

The pain

Our hearts slain

Bleeding out

Our voices

Silently screaming

This is the way

This is the way

Is a studio

Hearts beating

Against the night

Against the night

This is the way

-E

On our way

1

You think the Apex of all pain is losing a parent…

You tell yourself, ok, this is it…nothing could hurt more than this – (losing a parent or a divorce etc)

And then you lose a brother…

And there’s such fresh pain

Pain you can’t even understand

It’s just there…

In such a way

That it feels so unfair

it levels the field

You feel

Cheated from something

You don’t even understand

——

2

There’s no order

To this madness

You think

Ok, there’s parents you’ll lose

You prepare for that

But losing a sibling

Is so different

Whether you’re close or not

You really understand the brevity of everything

It wakes you up

From the grind

From the hustle

And you look around you

And you see

How quickly and randomly

All of this can go away

——

3

This funeral home

Where our father was

Where all of us end up

Through our history

Whatever we may do

We end up here

How strange that

We won’t be living

This ache

This invisible target

We really don’t know

—-

4

How complex

How layered

We take things so personally

I remember losing our father and I thought it was all so personal

And it was

In its way

But there is always hurt

Beyond what you see

There is always layers

There are years

Entire decades

Of complexities and issues

That we know nothing about

It’s all so blurred

The lines

We think it starts and ends with us

A moment in time

But it’s layered

Traits, ethics, work, talents, looks, pain, old pain, new pain, life …

I lit a cigarette and I smoked it

I probably shouldn’t have

But I wanted cheesecake

And didn’t have it

And I felt that I was overthinking

——

-E

Regardingsamuel.com

(Hearts doing) Time

I know
We used to say
We would get out
And we went
And we died
With rose coloured eyes
We had dreams
That haunt us now
We thought we could keep the world
And politics
outside of our bedrooms
But life
So often is about circumstances
And
Circumstance stares at you in the mirror
writes your bank balance
tells you what hospital to use
makes your bed
Is it there with you
Always?
The bag in your tea
the fighting words
Like the ghost from what we thought we were

—-
She tells me
I can’t keep showing up and ghosting out like this
And these days
Times are hard
But we can’t shut our minds
And somehow
We can’t leave hurt alone
It’s the drive
That keeps us
Up at night
—-
And we both
Have fear
And we both
Have doubt
And we both
Have memories
Of what we thought
Life would be by now
But we both
Have to keep going on somehow
Because we can’t stand
What we thought
——
And we understand
Life is just life
It’s broken hearts
It’s shattered time
And time again
It’s people and lies
And
Sometimes you just have to keep
Moving on
And hope
That by Christmas
We will be doing fine
While our hearts
Are still doing time

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Drive

I can hear it in your eyes
You say you can’t thrive in this town…
And maybe we are both worse for wear
Maybe every small town feels
That it’s the only one
—-
Maybe every young heart
needs to find a way
Before the bitterness sets in
Like cigarette smoke
—-
It’s only life
And isn’t this where we begin
What would –
It be like
If we did what we dreamed
—-
The high in the summertime
This life is for the grit in us
The dreamer in us
You and I over these drinks
—-
And I know
I’m leaving soon
But I want one last night
With these small towns
To remember
These Saturday nights
Oh these drives
These nights
Because we won’t ever get them back…

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Seasons

They would have you believe
That you are somehow broken
Or less than …
That your healing must be purchased
This program
That therapy
the receipts of your self work
Don’t hate them for it
Everything is marketing
But know
Some things are still free
Are still yours
Autonomy
Pride
Responsibility
Ownership
You have control of your life
How great that you can change
In a moment
You can begin to live the life you see for yourself
Divorce cost more than marriage
And it gets stuck in your head
That the key to your freedom
can be bought
That your freedom is somehow in someone else’s hands
Therapy
Yoga
Religions
Diets
Gyms
Ads
Relationships
Dating apps
It’s all like a Rubik’s Cube
Of self help and programs
But it’s – maybe- giving away your power
——
Some things just take time
Accept that the you in today
Will still be with you somehow
In the you of tomorrow
Make peace with this
And begin
It just takes time
But you do arrive
There is no short cut
Change happens slowly and all at once
You were the best in that moment
wife
Husband
Partner
Parent
Etc
That you knew how to be
And you will be a little better tomorrow
But it can’t be purchased
The mistakes
And missteps
The losses
They all make you better
The people who know you
And help you
Make you better
Everything takes time
Brick by brick
Step by step
Little by little
Day by day
Word for word
Habit for habit
But you can begin
And your soulmate
If there is such a thing
Is not out there waiting for a journal of all your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them
And notes form your therapy sessions
They are not another purchase
Or exchange to be made …
That’s a transaction
They are on the journey
They are building
Time
Time
Like a garden
Growing
There is no short cut for the seasons
—-
What life do you want
What life do you see
You get to choose
every day
You get to begin
—-
-E
Regardingsamuel.com

High

We say we want and deserve
High value partners
Premier standards…
But do we even deserve that?
What assets do we bring to the table? Really?
Look at who we surround ourselves with?

It’s easy to be with partners with no vision and no goals and no standards…

You know what to expect
And there’s no standards
You’ll never let them down
And you look pretty great in their environment

But a high value partner
Has standards
Suddenly
Having your shit together
Showing up on time
Doing the bare minimum ?

Is it not called the bare minimum for a reason ?
Really…
You have your own place ?
You listen and support?
You show up on time?
You can cook?
You can dress yourself?
You have a job?
Your car doesn’t impress them?
X Y Z etc

You’re supposed to have those things together
It’s just being an adult …

What else do we bring to the table
Why should they be with us?
What do they really gain

The bare minimum requires zero talent

How am I getting better every day
How am I growing
What am I doing
Really
What are my assets

Becaus whatever I’m doing
Is direction
That’s the path I’m walking
Not what I’m thinking while I’m walking it
Not what I’m saying
But what I’m doing

It’s terrifying

High value requires greatness from us
It pushes you
It does not let you sit still
It does not allow you to just be good enough
It requires the best from you
Every day
Consistency
Not convenience
Not your bad habits
Not your moods
Not your selfishness

It’s easy to let high value down
It’s easy to mess up
And realize you may not be
Everything you think you are

Do we really want what we think we want?
Really?
Or do we want to stay comfortable
In a environment that asks nothing from us
But to just show up – maybe – IF we feel like it…

Go ahead
You can shoot your shot
And get the date

But are you ready to be consistent
Do you really want what you think you want …

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

3am

3am
(I’m going to have to convert a room into a studio because with pets this is almost impossible)

3am
This is your hurt calling
—-
How many,many is the numeral infinity….
The notebooks you fill
To catch the oceans inside
——
But we still try
——
And you are
Silver and gold
——
Hearts still beating
On the butchers floor
——
Feel the stars take the hold
——
3am
This is your hurt calling
——
You live and you hold
Silver and gold
Stars and Infinity
Constantly grow
Let the earth take hold
Oceans
Oceans
——
You could never be held
Not with control
——
You deserve to be free
——
Free
——
3am

-Regardingsamuel.com
-E

3am

3am

This is your hurt calling

—-

How many,many is the numeral infinity….

The notebooks you fill

To catch the oceans inside

——

But we still try

——

And you are

Silver and gold

——

Hearts still beating

On the butchers floor

——

Feel the stars take the hold

——

3am

This is your hurt calling

——

You live and you hold

Silver and gold

Stars and Infinity

Constantly grow

Let the earth take hold

Oceans

Oceans

——

You could never be held

Not with control

——

You deserve to be free

——

Free

——

3am

-Regardingsamuel.com

-E