Neon

She dreams in neon
And I know
I know –
They’d sell you a line
Just to make you believe
And I want to believe
I’ve tried to keep my faith
But I can’t interpret my dreams
And
All I have is words
All I have is this guitar
And
All we have are shooting stars
And
Maybe we can’t escape
But
She can make a melody
While watching the sky
And maybe I can write her a line
If it keeps our faith alive
Don’t let us become bitter things
Don’t let us fall away
She dreams in neon
And I try to keep my faith

The Nuclear and the land

To my younger self

Let go

You don’t have to hold so tightly

You don’t have the answers

There are structures that are meant to fall

There are

Shadows of grief

And scars so deep

Even the roots are unnamed

The earth carries us

This little dot

Carry on

Carry on

When you feel less than nothing

There is a space for that

There is a quiet

Morning

To let you rest

In the coolness

All I really know

Is we will continue

Maybe we are like soldiers

Understanding we are already dead

There is no fear

Just numbness

Will you be there?

How do we live after such things?

31

Maybe

The morning picks up the pieces

You cast away in the night

Stitches them together with wind and bone

Maybe you don’t get the life you first believed

When you were young

You won’t age another year at the stroke of midnight in someone’s arms

You’re just an alcoholic poet

And you’re on your own

And maybe I just can’t silence

All the words in my head

And my thoughts are filled to full

Maybe I feel alone in crowds

Maybe her blue eyes

They help me stand up

Maybe they catch the silver sunlight

Maybe she’s the queen of all I’ve seen

Maybe

I figured out we don’t live forever

Maybe there’s a ghost that follows me

Reminding me

Of the view from the grain of sand

The salt in the water

Where did these weights come from

Who built this home?

Who put this sadness here ?

There are notes I cannot play

There is grief here

Maybe we are the same

Maybe someone has something worse

Maybe it’s the friend that’s sick

“I think I’m sick. Maybe I have what you have…” he said. Recently he found out he has cancer…

Maybe it’s the constant pressure to be and provide and succeed

Maybe it’s knowing we are not permanent and I may not have enough time to be all that I wanted to be

Maybe the morning will pick up the pieces I cast away at night…

Everything changes so fast, we are not what we once was…I hope you know…some days you are not what you want to be

I hope you know,

I hope you

I hope

I hope

You know

Fires burn out

You never know what’s coming for you

Things end

Friends die

Loss hurts

And there is a pain

That doesn’t go away

And maybe I’m running from poverty

I’m running for my dream

Like some people run from gluten

And body fat

But in 3 minutes I will be 31

And I remember 3 minutes of tornadoes

I remember 3 minute seizures

I remember there are lifetimes

There are empires built on sand

Inside three minutes

—/

Maybe you’re never what you thought you’d be

But there is still morning

And no one owes you anything

So write to her

About her eyes and the morning

And her beauty

Because all of this ?

This is fleeting

And you won’t be here…

Fight it

Hold on

It will not change it a jot

You can not change what has been

Write letters

They are textured

They are sacred …

I tell myself to get up

I tell myself to be as I was

But I don’t know how

I don’t know how

Whereas

Whereas

I am not mad at God

I simply am

Unsure what else could possibly be done

That has not been done ?

And whereas

They look at you like you’re beneath them

Forever

Unheard and unseen

And whereas

The odds are bet against you

And you are fading

——

Whereas

Another breakdown

Before the storm

Another shutdown

Another hick town

Another resolution

Just before sunset

Whereas

Another tough decision

No more food

Not even a pension

Whereas God

Do you ever think about us ?

Do you ever come through

We are just dust

And we fooled ourselves thinking we were more

And our strength is fading

Whereas

All we have is less

And this empty room

Without enough language

For the pain

And the muscles broken and wore

Fading

Living With Crohns

I have a scar from emergency surgery across my stomach that turns 13 next month. This photo turned 3 today…

Crohns sucks.
You present well, you look healthy,
But your heart clutches and your bones ache…
you can’t sleep
And sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down…

But isn’t that life?
1 resection
Countless scopes
3different medicines
3 NG tubes
Countless weeks in different hospitals

I’m not sure what to tell you…
It’s different for everyone
And that is part of your uniqueness
It’s still your story

After this photo a few months later, I spent a week in a hospital with an NG tube in Birmingham.

Hang in there
I know this year is difficult, especially mentally, we are broadcasting reminders everywhere that we are in a pandemic and people are dying and the world is burning and

and

and

in case you forgot

and

and

and …

And You

You matter
Your pain matters
Your love matters
You, your story
Your heartache
Your lonely
Your passion
Your health
I piece myself together bit by bit cuff links and ties
Bourbon and poetry

I write letters
I send flowers
I cook
I take 20 minute naps
And
I listen to jazz and Sinatra and the blues …

Take time for you…
You’re still here.

Interior blue

We make from the interior of sadness

Poetry

From the fires of life

We create art

I was inspired

To write this

After

Wanda Coleman’s poem “Wanda Why Aren’t You Dead

It is not an attempt to replicate

It simply opened my eyes to bringing our demons to light

——

I am intrigued by you

I am curious about you

You make me nervous

I cannot put a label on you

Why do you dress the way you do

You always dress up

Why don’t you just relax

You’re not like anyone around here

Why are you still here

Why are you here, why haven’t you left yet …

You are not a writer

Don’t write about your pain

Write what you want to write

You don’t want to be a burden

Don’t whine

You stupid fuck

You’re not a real writer

You’re just like your father

You’re a failure

You’ll probably die young

You’re vomiting randomly

You’re probably dying

Crohns

Don’t be picky about your food

You ate potatoes growing up

You know, no one is really going to love you

No one is really going to be attracted to you

You’re too fucking weird

You’re probably even bad at sex

You’re a quitter

You quit your career

You left your marriage

You left your town

You’re running

You’re less than nothing

You will never be happy

Why are you still here?

You’re going to keep faking it

You’re too much for people

They are merely curious

Nothing else

Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

You know, no one else will ever want to sleep with you…

You’re too awkward

Your stomach

Your scar

Why does your stomach growl so much ?

Can’t you make it stop?

You’re too thin

Omg I hate thin guys

Why don’t you just let yourself have a dad bod

You work too much

You should relax

Just take all of your sleeping pills

Then you can relax

You know I’m going to kill you right?

You will probably die alone

Like your dad

Why are you even still here

Didn’t you go to college?

Oh my god, I feel so bad that you didn’t go to real school

You must be so dumb

There is nothing here for me

There’s no reason for me to be here

I hate everyone here

I feel like you’re suddenly your own person

You want your secrets and your life

You walked out

Quitter

You gave up

I thought you were different but you ended up being just like the rest of them, selfish trash.

You will never have a marriage like your grandparents

It’s not your fault

It’s not your fault

Love doesn’t have to hurt

You can let yourself have a flare up

You don’t have to write it funny

You can vomit as soon as you get home

And it just be a flare up

You can eat cheesecake

You can write how you feel

You are still you

You’re going towards something good

You are ok

You don’t have to be perfect

You don’t have to be perfect

You can be good

You can be good

You are enough

You tried your best

Your best was more than enough

Because it was still – you

You

Are

Someone’s

Something

Make someone’s day easier

Let them know when you think about them

You never know who you will lose

Let it go

You never know what’s coming for you

You are broken but still whole

Be here now