I am up with the morning, I Fry bologna and slice a tomato and onion toast and eggs… —— You have this idea in your head Whatever it is, it’s been sold to you… Somewhere you heard it and the pitch and you decided to buy it and believe it and make it your own… —— Who is worse, me or the narcissist ? The hammer or the nail? The artist with their delusion Or the average person unable to see what we see? I make coffee There’s a woman in my bed sleeping with the rain ——/ We all need company, touch, a heart that listens Someone to nurture the good in us Someone to help us feel normal If just for a night —— We work and hope we can still live… Hope we can be good or better than what we know or fear we really are inside…
It’s a long walk From the dream To the graveyard Soles of your shoes Worn through You try for your art For your love You try to write But is it the words ? Or the aesthetic Would the life The words Stand on their own? The hash The filter The aesthetic We are group thought Born into this newsfeed Conditioned and groomed And we are shot through By the stale morning breath that is reality
We were young And We didn’t have expectations We thought that made us better But it was a lie Everybody has expectations Even if it’s expecting us NOT to have them… But it was really just saying I’m afraid I’ll let you down And then you will leave —- People stay with what they know We dated people that would date us for 7 years while looking for their soulmate And we dated people who didn’t have any goals or ambition But why ? A friend from out of town asked me one night … I told them it’s just easier because If you’re with someone who knows exactly what they want Where they are headed You’re suddenly afraid Because you might not be what they need And you might not get a second chance with them if you let them down or hurt them But with these other people You can waste decades And there’s no risk It’s just what we know What we are comfortable with And used to Like anything else ….
They just looked at me Shook their head Poured another drink…
All the light has left There are no stars Only darkness Only pain The cold, dry hunger Yes, morning always comes But an hour too late Out of time They don’t tell you about that There is nothing worse than too late…
We are all living on the edge of the day Out here It’s what we know If something good This way should come Would we even be able to get up to get it We can’t even afford to make the break For something better —— What gold dust promise Did they feed you To put your mind to rest in the night —— Under class Coming in last What broken bones Did you learn to walk on What pain did you put at the back of your mind ——— We grew up at the back of the line We’ve always been On welfare We’ve always been waiting For another Just one more Week Day Next Next time will be better Next love Next job Next life —- Next —- Paradise is out – there Somewhere ——- If help is out there It’s too too late All the power is off All the food is gone All the ills And bills are due All the panic is strong All the history is gone Does it look good on you? They want you to stay quiet But your words are all you’ve got If I should fade It’s all I’ve got I’m leaving I’m out of ideas My weight left in the night I’m not even hungry I tried to get out But you can’t even make the break You’re so far behind They shoot you at the gate You try There’s nothing to fall back on My pulse is gone My mind is fog My heart is ash My tongue is cut out My blood is cold It never let’s go It never lets go It never lets go -Regardingsamuel.com
I had a dream I was drinking with the Devil again…
The bar fell quiet. The crowd of people but I felt some-one else moving through them. I could hear his hard soles on the floor…just shadow and cold.
⁃ I’m so glad you finally made it. It’s really been too long.
He spread his arms wide
⁃ You really out did yourself.
⁃ There is something else. I can feel it.
⁃ Who? Lou? Nah that’s just Death. He’s been here a long time. you’re not wrong. It’s passed the politician and the promises. The light show, you feel it too. You’re an old soul. That’s why I like artist. You feel us before we ever arrive. Like the weather.
⁃ Who is it?
⁃ Death, hates her. She’s a much older evil. She was here before the beginning. Before anything was written. Before the plan. She only serves herself.
I sat back and looked around the room. I felt like I was old. I felt like I was sifting.
I remembered old tent revivals
Dirt on the floor
I remembered thunderstorms
And mountain roads
A thin voice, eaten by tobacco and gin spoke
I didn’t even notice he had sat down.
-You’re sick. I can smell it in your blood. You’re losing weight. You can only endure so much pain.
Another voice spoke at the table. I hadn’t noticed she had sat down. She looked tired. Tattoos. A thick accent. She ashed her cigarette in my drink.
⁃ Shut up. He’s always been tired. You believe everyone is sick anyway.
⁃ You see, your vanity has you thinking the good is even with the evil. There’s no balance. You’re just as selfish as me. You want to be remembered and you want your Guardian here to be all powerful but we don’t work like that. Time is not linear. It’s brief and it’s quick and it’s over before you begin. And people will always choose the easiest paths. The comfortable. What they know. Thin love and a little poverty with a cold comfort.
⁃ I don’t think you really know people. I think people endure and grow and evolve.
⁃ Your vanity is showing…you have more of me in you than you realise. Hell is not a destination it’s here…demons are in you…heaven is just a warm memory…
I finished my drink…
-it’s always nice chatting…but we did make it. We did endure and we are still.
– I’m growing on you. You’re getting comfortable and alone. You don’t even see the changes. But I do.
I looked at Syl. She lit another cigarette. I looked back over and they all were gone. Per usual.
Trust me When I say There will be things in life You will be unsure of Tax returns Hummus Avocados Speed limits Correct dates of Apts The spelling of wed- whatever But there are somethings That you will NOT be unsure of Love is one of them What you bring to the table Is one of them You deserve
Chicken soup On sick days Massages Sweaters Dances in the kitchen Showers together Month long birthdays And month long valentines Sunday brunches Christmas Letters Fresh flowers Always But uncertainty in love And yourself Is not one of them So if they are uncertain Just leave Because you deserve sureness You deserve Everything you bring And more -Regardingsamuel.com