Stutter into 2014

This year has been something else
I was thinking about it this morning at the gym 5:00am to be exact
– let me just say, it is a miracle I made it to the gym that early
5am is virus hours,you just shouldn’t get up until after 10. It shouldn’t happen-

I’m moving at the end of this month
Half my family is moving to Africa
For a significant amount of time
My younger brother is getting married
And to top it off I have questionable spots on my chest and back – and the muscle hurts.
my friend Silvi, always the optimist, isn’t concerned, so I shouldn’t be, right . Right? Not concerned. Right.

Change happens
You cannot stop it
It is more reliable than death and taxes,well maybe just death.
Not only is it a part of life
It is in essence
Life, yet
We spend our entire lives planning for the future, preparing for something we do not even have the assurance of
And Change happens
What’s important is how we react to change.

love happens


My brother is getting married
Saturday – to be exact
I’ve never seen two people
Compliment each other more
Now you have to understand my brother. He really liked dating.
and I thought for sure he’d be the last to get married.
But that’s the thing, you don’t know.
I remember him disappearing every night to sit with her and they’d just talk …..and then one day he comes in and staring up at the ceiling said, ” I’m gonna get married”
So I gave him our grandmothers ring.
They just fit .
And that’s what change is.
He puts it this way
” we talked , and the more we got to know each other – the more we wanted to know , and the more we opened up
We realised we think about things
And feel very much the same”

That’s the thing
You learn to live together
What makes you tick?
What makes you really laugh ?
I mean really like until you snort.
What do you like, what are you passionate about ?
What makes you angry
You learn all of this
How to function together
And most of us
I know I have and even My brother
Had this fear that if you get so close
Then it’s old and the new wears off
And so you move on
But it’s really quite opposite
Because the closer you get
You should be constantly seeing something new
Because we change as we live
Our taste changes
Our desires change
You just have to be committed
To applying the effort
And you find
That after you know them
You love them
With all they are
For who they are
Not your idea of them
For all they’ve shown you
After you see them dance
Sometimes while driving
After you’ve seen them really upset
After you’ve heard them breakdown on the phone
After you’ve seen them
In their natural state
Who they are
How they are
The up and the downs
The late calls
What are these things ?
things that make us unique
Make us enough
Nobody is perfect
So burn your list
You’re going to hurt each other
But are they enough?
Are they worth it?
Do they compliment you ?
Make you better?
That’s what I see with these two
Life is change
Breathe it in
We can build fences or we can build walls or we can reach across these things-in an attempt to connect.

So There’s a lot going on
But not a lot at all
It’s just change
People moving forward
People living
It’s movement
And it’s all worth it
And I don’t know what it all means
Insurance is so expensive we can’t afford it – from 250.00 to 6500.00
The world is suspended in motion
And quite upset
How it all ends I don’t know
But if it all ends tomorrow
At least we reached across ,
We climbed those walls,
Reaching for dreams
Reaching to connect
Finding people like us
This is our story
The story of us
At least we were real.

One for the century


Nerves on my skin are raw again
And I can’t focus
I’m at this place again

You come for me
But I’m not here
You look for me
But I’m not there
It takes two for it to work
Not one and the other at their
I’m a terrible mess

And after all this time
I can’t believe
The pieces
I’ve hid away
That you can’t see
And no one ever told us about
The break after the fall
And no one ever told us
About the pain in
learning to walk
And between all the politics
And the world
And religion
And war
Somebody should have told us
That people aren’t objects
You can’t put them in cages to pour your love in and control
You can’t use people or judge them
Someone should have told us
The worst we can do
Is underestimate ourselves
Here we are numb at the starting gate
Hiding our shadows from the light
It’s been a long time coming
Can you help me make sense of this place ?
Can I hide my face in you?


“My shampoo smells like condoms …
Did they mean for it to smell like this??.”
That’s how she starts her conversations
I know she’s upset ….
We both struggle with depression .
And that’s when she usually calls
So I wait

She finally says
” I’m not one to love
But if I were
I’d prefer it be a writer
If a writer falls for you
you live forever .
And that’s what we’re all after
Immortality .
But I can’t settle down
I won’t be owned .”

She says I need to live before I die
She will not be owned
But she carries her demons inside
She still can’t sleep at night
I wonder if any of us will ever find the time to rest

Her value didn’t change
But you treat her like spare change

I don’t understand

Everything is just an opinion
Maybe we change as we grow
But touch is our first language
It begins as the most honest
Essential form of communication
Maybe sex is not just
Skin on skin
Maybe it’s just as much spiritual
Two souls tied together
Close , intimate , open …
Committed to each other
But then they’re torn apart ..
We tear them apart
Leaving us empty …
Emptier than ever .
it shouldn’t be so
Maybe we are young

Maybe we shouldn’t play these games
Maybe then
she wouldn’t be on the floor with a broken heart and soul
Calling me ….

Maybe in a perfect world
It wouldn’t be this way …
And we wouldn’t be jaded
we could say what we need to say …
And trust what we mean .
Maybe then
In a perfect world
Everything would be different
we wouldn’t be swayed
We would live with passion
We could stand in the face
Of adversity
We would drive all night
And we could live free .
In a perfect world
We would live
We would grow
We would see the way it’s going to be
How it ends for all of us
In a perfect world
We wouldn’t carry these shadows
They wouldn’t haunt us in our sleep .

In closing

She is fire to my veins
Her touch
Burning deep
Her voice is a calm
In the midst of the noise

Her smile
Her laugh
The way she is
How she moves

And so here we are
This is us
5 hour conversations
sleep and being awake
Her voice is soft
and you can hear her Smile …

I don’t know how this ends
But if it all goes down
If the world comes apart
As we walk out the door
At least
We were honest
At least we loved
At least we reached across those walls


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