Supernova ( ninety nine times nine)

Black Holes, it’s said, are not empty space, but rather so much matter packed into a small space, that it creates a gravitational pull so strong that even light itself can’t escape…

Maybe this is why you feel so locked in…you’re not a shell…you’re still you…

These are created when a massive star dies…the ghost remnant core remains and it pauses while collapsing…here…time stands still…

You’re not something else just because you’re depressed

Just because you’re frozen in an event …

You’re still you

You’re still light …


greatly influence the neighborhoods around them

If a normal star passes by and is touched by the gravitational pull

It can tear itself apart…emitting gamma rays into space…

This can dramatically create new,

or even stall the growth of,

Or devour surrounding stars …

This is why

I believe we are not as we are told…

You are not weak

You are overwhelmed

We are after all, light and made of star stuff…

Please know…

It’s only that we are packing so much information in small spaces,

Like trying to fit the moon and the sun times ninety nine and nine in our eyes and hearts …

We can’t beat on like that …without erupting…into a supernova

It’s devouring us

It’s inspiring us

It’s stalling us


You don’t have to

Take it all in

All the hurt

All the pain

All the world over

Come back


The stars

Come back to yourself

You are heat

You matter

You bring your own light

You influence those around you

You touch more than you know

You matter

You matter

It’s ok to pause

You’re still you

And you make time pause

Because you’re older and larger

Than anything we’ve known

Even the universe has to pause just to take you in…


Log 1

Space is cold

Its vastness overwhelms the humanity in us …

It doesn’t know how to be gentle

It doesn’t know how to be soft

All of our sins

All of our restlessness

Finds us here


We are, so, so very alone ….

It makes you wonder why we fight among ourselves

I think about how much I’ve failed myself ….

The ways I could have been better…

Probably should’ve been better….


I’m sorry I can’t be with you

I miss you

Your skin

Your lips

The softness of you

The sound of your voice

I know we have recordings

But these don’t replace

Our secret moments

Find me in the dark

I dream of you

And your heartbeat

My head resting against you

That’s you

Your perfume

Your hair



Your hand in my hair

You laughing about something I said


I wish you could see the stars from here

They look so much like your eyes…..

– E

30 for 30 #6

Inspired by Hope Jahren and her book “Lab Girl” Find out more here at the NY times or their book review podcast

“Plants are more alive than you think they are. Science is done differently than you think it is. Both of those things matter, a lot.” Hope Jahren

Kristoffer was a small plant, not much compared to his brothers. His grandfather, spent all winter telling them “if you want to make it. You’ve got to get out there and claim your spot of sunshine. If you hesitate, someone else will take it from you.” 

Their mother was right there behind him, calming them back down. “But who wants to be the first green thing out there in the morning. All of that wildlife. Insects. They’re waking up too. And they’re hungry after a long winter.” 

That’s the life of the plant. Spring. Monday morning. To grow or not to grow? Where to grow. What are you going to be? Who will you be with?

Trees too

Is it a real tree? Or a career tree? Will he stay with you? 

You get planted. You grow. You get cut. You die. 

Not relationship material. 

Humans weren’t helping either.

They used to consider why they cut trees. 

Now they planted them to cut them. And cut them to plant fields but not for food. No. They planted fields to make more fuel. But they used the fuel to cut more trees to plant more fields to make more fuel to use to –

It was an endless circle. 

Somewhere there was a girl. 

Who was in a tee shirt and flip flops and her mother’s sunglasses. 

She was making notes in her journal. And saving water to send to the university to get tested. 

She played with dolls and her mother’s makeup. 

But she also likes the way things live. And she wants to know the answer to the question ‘why?’ 

She is going to be a scientist. 

She is going to be a girl 

A woman 

A scientist 

She won’t mind the hours alone in a lab. Or in the field. 

Science is done hands on by caring people. 

She will write 

And she will learn

And she will study the things other people walk by 

And she will point them out 

The circles in the tree 

How you can study a day in the life of that tree 

A year 

You know what happened to it 

When it was sick 

How long it lived…

She will be good at what she does. 

Because she cares. 

And because 

She knows 

Science is not done the way we think it is

And life is more alive than we think it is…


We need caring people 

To explain this to us 

With excitement in their eyes.

So we can start again 

To ask 


30 for 30 #3

They say an EF4 tornado has the impact of ten tons of TNT. An EF5 (much rarer) the same impact and energy of the atomic bomb we dropped on Hiroshima.

I know this trivia because I wanted to understand it. After the south was rocked by four EF5’s during the 362 tornado outbreak on April 27th 2011.

That’s four atomic bombs 

Along with 358 more 

I knew it was historic 

And I knew about the El Niño years 

How the 2011 year was so different 

I assumed it was climate change,oceanic tempatures upswelling,impacting  the jet stream 

I remember wanting to understand,

How is it we can track a thunderstorm for days

And we only have 13 minutes of lead time for a tornado after we catch the hook echo?

They form in minutes 

And 3 minutes 

Or less

Can change everything if you’re

packing heat at Hiroshima levels

That was the year 

I saw brick homes turned to dust 

Trees splintered through vehicles

Waterhoses through tree trunks 

The view flying over 


The trees laying down like crop circles 

the swirling motion of the storm 

I saw a rose in a vase on a window-seal untouched 

That was the year I helped people

get their grocery list 

Because they just stood there 

Forgetting where they were

That was the year 

We gathered bodies 

Out of pastures 

And trees

That was the year 

Black helicopters 

Flew over 

And some landed 

And some we were told was the President 

But he didn’t land 

Because they said it would

Be better 

At the moment 

If he didn’t 

I don’t know if that was true or not 

That was the year 

I saw people fight 

So they could fill their cars with gas

Because it was rationed 

the year

I started feeling a hook echo in my gut

Whenever someone rattled off religion as an answer to weather 


or world events

That was the year 

I wanted to understand 

Rather than forget 

Today I thought about it 

While I heard a story 

On whether or not 

We should repair our NOAA satellites 

And while someone 

Explains the need for this technology 

Some student sitting in a college class room is showing a flat earth video explaining how all of our satellite   images are fake 

While in another room 

A congressman looking over the budget 


“Why do we even need this NOAA budget? We can just turn on the weather channel.” 

But right here 

It’s April again 

And in 3 minutes or less 

We can run out of lead time again 

30 for 30 #2 

Life is about moving forward


And evolving 

Freedom to exchange ideas 


We used to burn people 

For even thinking the world 

Is round 

Or studying gravity 

And the stars 

As we grew 

And we progressed 

We knew 

Through traveling the earth 

And science 


And asking questions 

If the earth is flat

Why do some areas 

Have different Star patterns than others?

Why can’t we see any country in the world from any elevation? 

Why can we journey all around the globe?

Why is it that ships rise out of the horizon rather than materialize like a car in the road?

The shadow of the earth on the moon during an eclipse…

My point is

When they hand you 


And heartache 

When they hand you a hopeless future 


Where you come from 

The bloodline of galaxies in your veins 

We come from progress 

So don’t look back 

Continue to ask questions 

And continue to look to the stars 

They used to burn people like us 

And when they try and tell you 

Climate change isn’t real 

Give them back their pseudo Victorian science 

And tell them we’re not about the past we’re not going that way 

And keep moving forward. 


I made a new page under the menu tab: Causes . You can access it anytime. 


I know 2016 was hard. Really really hard. And the overwhelming feeling of what can I do to help? The need to speak out and blog about it is strong. And yes, those things matter. But it is also important to keep our focus and give. We can donate to these causes, these things that matter to us. They are going to need us to support them just as much as speak up for them.

We can’t just fall into a fetal position and give up. We must keep going and handle every hurtle one by one. That’s how success is won. That’s how progress is made. We can’t give up. You matter. We matter. Our future matters.

Give today. Or as often as you can. Every little bit helps.

Center for Reproductive Rights The Center for Reproductive Rights uses the law to advance reproductive freedom as a fundamental human right that all governments are legally obligated to protect, respect, and fulfill. 

Natural Resources Defense Council  The debate is over. Climate change is real. Join the fight for our future.

Planned Parenthood These clinics provide women with access to health screenings and supplies as well as birth control (which is used for more than just birth control) Many of which can’t afford it or have no where else to go. 

International Refugee Assistance Project We have to take care of eachother. We are all neighbours.

NAACP Legal Defense Fund Simply the best because they’ve been here from the beginning. Fighting for your civil rights and equality for minorities.

The Trevor Project Founded in 1998 by the creators of the Academy Award®-winning short film TREVOR, The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people.

In the wake of fake news and social media. You need to support real news. Donate to Your local public radio NPR. Or Get a subscription to the New York Times or the Washington Post.

Stop relying on FB.

And lastly


The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals® was the first humane society to be established in North America and is, today, one of the largest in the world.

We are their voice. Donate or adopt your next pet.

Thank you for all you do.


Flowers for December 

Part 3
Room 669 

A lot can be behind a door. I thought about the numbers. The math. The crowd of people in the room downstairs. 

The last time I saw Lauren. This time. Lauren came walking out with her cane. Her hair pulled back into a tail. She didn’t look old to me. She looked tired but not old. Sometimes I think we look at each other through memories. 

Sometimes I think we would be better off not remembering anything. 

“What is it? You have that look you always have when something is troubling you, Sean. The wolves are at the door, and we have all night and no fire.” 

I sat down. Opened my notes and watched her. I remember standing on the bridge and her lips. She looked at me and told me she was leaving. She had to. We could have been great together. But, we were better apart.”

“What are you going to tell them? Lauren. You haven’t found a cure have you?”

She laughed. “A cure! Ha! There is no such thing as a cure. We are all dying. Every one of us. It started when we were born. Life is death. Every form of medicine is just prolonged death.There is no such thing as a cure. If I had one. I wouldn’t give it to them. No.”

“What would you do?”

“Keep it for myself. They don’t deserve it.” 

I looked around the room. “You don’t mean that Lauren.” 

Lauren pulled on her uniform coat. 

” I’ve spent my life,working , and now I don’t know what to do. Leukemia, maybe three months. I’m dying….there’s not enough time. I don’t think I can stop this, even if I had the resources.” 

“What about medical schools? Surely there is something…”

“No. students today…I tried. They raise hands and trust textbooks they’ve paid a lifetime held ransom for. They won’t question what they read or what I find they’re obedient little soldiers. But not good scientists.  You can’t stop this spread. Not with that. I need critical thinkers. Someone who won’t even trust me. Science is our integrity. Not my degree or pay check or emotions. I don’t care that I’m dying! Get me results.” 

Lauren closed her notes. Packing them into her binder. Looked at me, asked.

“How’s journalism? Is it everything you dreamed? Don’t you ever want to go back? Do things differently? You haven’t exactly gotten your nobel prize. Have you.”

I sighed. Scratching my arm. I was frustrated. Frustrated with this whole thing. Newspapers are broke. They can’t afford journalists. They’re simply three page thought pieces. Cut into the bone marrow for budgets and no profit. No one gets a story. They get an opinion from a guy behind a YouTube camera who couldn’t even make it to the actual story. What could go wrong. 

We are drowning in a culture of mass media. Not a lack of information, it’s not even hidden, it’s in excess, too much. Anyone with a web address could post a story. An now we were paying for it. Everyone has a news forum to back up and support their worldview. 

I took my parents fortune and used it to travel in an effort to give the whole story. Without opinion. I’m one of the only journalists  who will be seen at government conferences. Not because they don’t want us there. Because no one can afford the ticket. Or salary. 

“I wouldn’t change anything. Lauren. I like what I’m doing. What are you going to tell them?”

She turned towards me. 

“I’m going to tell them the truth. That we had a good run. But our time is up.”

“You can’t say that, you have to give them hope . These people will respond to hope. It’s human nature.”

Lauren laughed. 

“That’s what the Golden Arches of McDonald’s are for.”

“Ehh I’m more of a Cheesecake Factory and yoga on Sundays.”

Lauren just stared at me.

“If you want to give them hope. Tell them we had a golden era where science, like God, Told disease it couldn’t take anymore lives. But then we got too comfortable, we didn’t suffer, we couldn’t remember, and we took down our barricade. And now the Reaper is coming to call. And there is nothing I can do.”

I ran my hand through my hair.

“Lauren, you’re the last scientist. No one is going to listen to you.”

“Soon I’ll be dead. And then so will they.”

She stepped into the elevator. 

The doors closing 

“I love you,you’re insufferable. But you have a nice ass. If I had more time.”

I watched as she stepped onto that podium. Opening her notes, to this crowd of faceless strangers. Staring into their phones. Assuming this too will pass. Like the war they unfollowed and the other viruses or flu seasons…it always goes away. 

I watched as she stepped up with her cane. And looked over the room. This woman I somehow still loved. She would open her notes and see two tickets.  One way.  To the mountains. Maybe I couldn’t  fix this,buy a scientist or a cure, but I could give solitude, and we could be together for just a little while. 

She looked at me. 

And for just a moment 

It was just us in that room 

And we were back in college 
Arguing over drinks. And I could see the future. And it was good.


Flowers for December #1

“…we’re meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us? ”

– Fitzgerald

 Photo origin unknown
Part one

 I remember the first time I saw Lauren.We were at this party and she was standing there with a drink in her hand-hair pulled back. 

She smiled and it was like everything became art. You could see the colour in everything. 

I tried talking to her then but we just argued about something like politics. 

Later, She was making or attempting to make a drink. Shaking it in the mixer. And spilling ice everywhere. 

“Would you like some help with that?” I asked. “I’m pretty sure it’s better when the ice makes it to the glass. ”  she just glared at me. “I’ve got it. You wouldn’t know  how to make this anyway unless it comes already in a bottle.”  I laughed. I remember that part. And saying something about a drink making you feel smart and act dumb…kind of like sports… I think we got along after that. Or maybe it was a few moments after that…she found me and we started talking again. 

I think we forget what we overlook. Maybe that is the thing. We overlook so many  small insignificant things and they add up to larger vacancies inside of us or our worlds.

But I didn’t want to forget this and I didn’t want to forget her.

this feeling this moment this place.

I remember that more than anything.