June 27th

I didn’t sleep last night
Instead I called my sister
Or she called me I don’t know
She was sitting in her window
With a cigarette writing
And I was sitting on my counter
With liquor- trying – trying to write
Somedays are like that
We feel like we have to write
We had something but then we lost it

I hate wasting words though
I’d rather listen
Than waste words
You know me though
I still ramble
I still burn my hands
Attempting pancakes in the morning
I’m very much a lightweight
I’m very far from perfect

I texted a friend of mine around 4am
A nurse- I knew she’d be awake
She was
I wrote a long
Overdue letter
Mailed it to HI
And left for work
Somedays
You realize how used to anxiety
You are
You rush
When you don’t have to
You grip the wheel
Look in the rear view
And you don’t have to

I stopped to buy deodorant
Because for everything else
Hey it’s ungodly hot in the south
You can cut it with a knife

I’m staring at the deodorant
What’s cheaper than 5 dollars ?
Everything is 5 dollars …

“Hey,how are you ?”
It was from the end of the isle
The clerk
An Hispanic girl
“I’m alright,how are you?”

Paying for my deodorant mined from
Moria …has to be why it’s so expensive

She looked up at me
“You look nice today”

I slept 5 minutes
I do look nice today
I’m not anxious today
I’m not depressed
Per say
I’ve got my mind made up
These are our years
You know?
And some days
We don’t have to be doing anything
Saving the earth
Writing the next earth shattering
Gatsby
Directing the next Dark Knight
We just need to hear
“Hey,you look good.you’re doing good”
And have a good conversation
It’s ok to breathe
It’s ok to walk away
It’s ok to just
Be
That’s June 27th

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Midnight

I’m sorry
I’m just a churning mess inside right now
And I have no idea what to do

I’ve been here before
It’ll get better
If I run
Run like crazy
And work out
God
It starts inside
And works it’s way to the surface
Like
needles picking
Picking
And then I get sick
Shaking
And I can’t breathe
I wish I could sleep
But I can’t do that either
So I write
And I pray
Which isn’t really praying
It’s just me walking and talking
I’ve never been able to pray
Like I did when I was little
And super religious
Now I just
Talk
And listen
And write
But more often than not
I find myself crying these days

I feel completely
Completely useless
Worn
I’m tired
And I’m afraid I’ll never catch up

Depression is not new to me
Anxiety is not new to me
Sickness and hospitals are not new

I’ve grown up around it
With it

The long nights
Everything I’ve just described
But there’s this dream of an older me
I’m so afraid I’ll never catch you
Reach you
The dream
The light
The promise of a life ….
Where I make you happy .
And that’s when I realize it
I just want to be happy
And if I can help someone else be happy …. Breathe easier …
It gets better

it gets better
It does
It comes and it goes
It scary
You start crying after you wake up from a dream …
A dream …
And you can’t stop .

The images flash across your eyes
The voices from the past …
And you’re froze
Petrified

I’m not the best at this
I try to hide this
But then I thought
Maybe you could use this
Even this
Because it gets better
I have to believe that

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Paperless Love ( These Days )

Everyone’s active everyone’s  free

Everyone’s a lover everyone’s lost within the vortex of  dream 

Look a little closer – spend a little time  

Outside the world’s drunk on disappointment 

The world’s weary from the pain

 

We race to believe in something new

  it’s paperless love

we have no time to form a thought

to write it out

we push until we wear ourselves down

we struggle to save the day

we struggle ‘till we waste away

we  struggle much afraid

Everyone’s a savior 

Everyone’s in chains

Everyone’s a lover

Look at everyone  alone

Consumed  by the weight we’ve accepted as These Days 

 

These Issues We Face ( The Journal post in which I am in the Hospital )

FROM MY JOURNAL ( 02-22-13)

I was dying …this was it…it wouldn’t be historical..life changing or cool ..it would be boring and slow – quite uneventful – like everything else in my life …the funny thing was I didn’t even know it until it was too late..but this was it.I wouldn’t be able to change it ..I was dying ..that’s the thing about death it’s like  facts ..they don’t ask  now what do you think? you like it better this way or some other way?.No sir they just are regardless of how much people hate them they carry on ., stepping into peoples lives ruining their schedules and everything else…we should really be more like that , like death..just Be .

I couldn’t help thinking about all the things i’d never write…

About all the things I’d never see

All the stress that didn’t matter now, all those pressures,  like gravity and glass pressing against my skin , making my head hurt like a vice …I hate that it got like this…but in my defense I didn’t know I was dying …I didn’t know that not sleeping could kill a person and that along with poor diet and stress and anxiety all of those things would cause my body to literally fall apart inside .

What I DID know was this;

I used to be afraid of living…terrified of it to the point I wanted to just stop time …just freeze it …or stay in bed all day …maybe I could pause the world and just walk around and see what everybody is really like.Because I was terrified, terrified of living and making decisions or making a life for myself..i felt like I was a failure at life and could never measure up. 

but anyway..regardless

just as soon as my head got cleared up my body backed out of the deal . and here I was dying .Now I was afraid of dying and wanted to live……

Funny how that worked out huh. 

02/20/2013

02/20/2013 (JOURNAL )

 

I just finished The Time Traveler’s Wife,it’s a good book, you should read it .But now i can’t sleep…I hate this …for someone who can sleep anywhere …I sure  make a habit of not sleeping at night .

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about chapters …and how we change . I close my eyes and I see my life like this….moments„,memories….glances;

Growing up working with dad, preaching with dad

Hyper active wasting 99.9% of all my words 

Terrified

Always the nightmares and lack of sleep

Dad, his eyes, his face …

his voice echoing 

pinning me to the wall

Suddenly I’m here again back home…on that night….I’m standing in the freezing rain…with my mom and sister..i can see my breath. Numb. Dad died in his sleep .

I think about all that has changed and all that is

I was young and very opinionated , i thought i would be a self made man

I was terrified of living 

i spent my life traveling with dad on the road trying to be perfect

to learn business and how to be the best i could be

my image of god was a blurred image of dad , his voice and shadow looming over my life constantly seeking his approval , his favor …his attention .

Now he is gone and all that has ended….at some point in time I left home and started living , Good men invested in my life and taught me about finances and business  I’m getting to know God . I’m getting to know people . Not deceive them . But I’m sick ..I’m scared ..I don’t want someone taking care of me..so I will probably always be alone I saw my grand-dad use my mom and my dad use my mom …I don’t want to even think  of someone taking care of me  …the thought of sometime in my uncertain future..my needing someone more than they need me? Jeez.. My stomach hurts just thinking about it . and yet  I can’t help thinking…when I was young I was scared of living so much so I often wanted to die..now  that I’m older I’m scared of dying …scared of existing …spinning time..but never touching eternity ..never finding my purpose and what it’s all about  .