Hid away

the yellow room

cold concrete

sun won’t talk with the moon today

The stars still hide

Because they saw your face

eyes still burn

Looking in

Cold hearted devil…

Overcast, my soul

My strength just turns away

Ash in my lung

Coals on my tongue

Walk me to the end of the road

Where we buried letters

all of our secrets

The dirt crumbles

Dry in your hands

I still keep them

And our names

And what we do

Just fades…

Remember me

Moons (30 for 30)

And the sky moves quicker than my breath,

She woke up feeling older

how do you know,

Where the flowers go when the snow falls?

Only that they return in spring…

And the shadows fall

Filling these empty halls

Can we fix these broken things?

She said all her hope was gone

All her heart was wrong

I sat there waiting

maybe it all comes back around

And if it’s not when you feel it should be

Remember,

Some, things, love

Always the strong things …

grow

Only

in the moonlight

And the daylight won’t know who you are …

But at night

Under the stars

In the quiet

You will feel your heart heal

And your strength grow

The Life of Job

New rebel

Old devil

Wake to the news

All of my people look the same

We are all

just badly dressed

Sara is still depressed

Johnny’s at the bar again

Talkin’ about the government

Saw you online again

Spreadin’ your intelligence

What’s anybody got to say?

We just sound the same

Isn’t it a cryin’ shame

We all got caught in the pouring rain

Jessie’s got her pregnant

Can’t even pay rent

We all know better

We’re all living well

Until we miss a pay check

Then we’re all screwed to hell

Oh well…

Aaron’s in the bathroom

PTSD

How long was the war again?

Did it ever really end?

Who can tell

The weather man shot that cloud to hell

When he took the draft away

Now there’s no overcast

And they killed the war machine

Or did it just switch garage again

keep working on the change

Staying off the chain gang

They’ll overlook the needle

And throw you away for a leaf

Even if you get free, you’ll never pay the fees

Look out soul

What’s happened to rockin’ roll…

Forget about the cards you’re dealt

There’s no guarantee

Keep your head down

Even when you have a good hand

We all know someone who lost his house back then

History makes a repeat

We’ll all skip a beat

We don’t work like we used to

What on earth will they ever do

Storm’s on the horizon

How’re you gonna make it?

What if you create it…

Beagle in the City #218

Dear doggie journal;

Today, me and dad picked up trash! We went through our regular walk and also picked up all the trash. And then we went to the re- re-sike-a-ling to see all the dumpsters!

Ethan: Hey guys I’m home….what did you do?

Simon: …nothing…we just waited here …you know, for you. Which you’re here now, so yay!

Ethan: you did something, I can tell…I don’t know what it is…but I’m going to find out.

Simon: Hey you must have had a hard day at work. How about you go to rain room and wash off.

Ethan: It wasn’t the trash…

Simon: I watched a great documentary today. It was called the X-Files!

Ethan: Simon,That’s not a documentary. It’s just TV.

Simon: Yes it is! How, how do you explain the pictures! And the videos! I saw it. You can’t stop me from believing dad. My eyes have been opened.

Garf: Yup, mine too. We both believe.

Ethan: No more leaving the tv on for you guys…

Simon: You can’t take the truth away from us dad.

Ethan: You ate all the food off the counter!?!

Simon: You know what’s really funny, I found a great comedy show called The Nightly News! I don’t think any of it was real.

Beagle in the City #215

Simon: I’m just saying, James Bond should have a dog.

Ethan: I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t see why he would need one.

Simon: 007 1/2

Ethan: What would he be licensed for?

Simon: To steal lunches and sniff butts.

Ethan: I bet Garf has been licensed to kill. He’s a tough guy. This is probably just his retirement.

Simon: What, that’s not true…he was adopted.

Ethan: I don’t know where he even came from, I don’t even know his past. He was probably lost on a mission. He just showed up one day.

Simon: …

Beagle in the City #211

Simon: Garf! Dad is going to be home soon.

Garf: I don’t care.

Simon: We always have lunch together. He brings the best sandwiches…

Garf: I don’t care.

Simon: You have to hurry because he has to go back the work.

Garf: I’m retired.

Ethan: Hey buddy. What have you been up to?

Simon: Napping mostly. When do we eat the sandwiches?

Ethan: I brought shrimp poboys…

Simon: poboys!

27

IMG_4315-0.JPG
An empty room
a note on the table
Sylvia Plath,
And
Vizzini wrote about depression
about overcoming it
Only to commit suicide later…
Hemingway,shot himself …
Fitzgerald died from a heart attack
But depressed
Believing none of his work meant anything…

For writers
Depression seems to be a shadow
One that we can’t escape

That’s what I thought of …
Being the oldest sister
It shouldn’t have surprised me
Eric had always
Been very active
And from your first impression
He seemed to be fine
He’d gone to Africa after college
To work on journalism
And well drilling
Then moved to New York
I have three of his four books
Mostly poetry…
Some essays
A die hard romantic
And lover of children
And families
But he always had this
Shadow
I remember one night
He kicked back three drinks and some liquor got in his car
And disappeared for four days
Refusing to answer his phone
Or messages
I was about to call a close friend of his
To see if she’d heard anything from him
He never disappeared like this
It was more common of his
Brother
Disappearing
Smoking pot
Showing up once a decade
in Some random ER
But not Eric
Eric would be the one who stayed
With you in the ER

I finally received a text message
From him …
He just needed space
He’d said
“don’t worry I’m too vain to kill myself”
I couldn’t believe it
“That’s the ones who do …dumbass”
I answered angry
And then because I hate confrontation
I Tossed the phone in my top drawer
And waited
He didn’t say anything

He was the most personal person
You’d ever meet
Always wearing his heart on his sleeve
Unashamed
But there was a confusion
Even when he was younger
He wanted to connect to people
wanted to help them
But also loved his own space
Not isolating
So much
But keeping to himself
His only friends
Were women Mostly
He understood
Them
And fell for them
Over and over
And they fell for him
A photographer
With a heavy British accent
She knew him more than anyone
A screen writer who wrote him regularly
While she was away
And several others…
They all shared something

I remember he used to preach
When he was younger
And after our father died
He just stopped
He didn’t care a whole lot for religion
Or church
Everything was so charged
Everyone had an opinion
But he wasn’t like that
He just kept them to himself
Rather
He tried to understand people
And until they gave him a reason
An absolute reason not to
He gave them a chance

I was
Sitting in my window
Smoking
When I got the phone call
I knew …
And my heart sank
Into my chest

The night before his
27th birthday
Eric committed suicide
I went to his apartment
Sharon was there
The photographer
Reading old letters
He’d always typed out letters
And mailed them to everyone he knew
A reason wasn’t required
All he needed was to be thinking of you
And you’d get a letter …
She had 8 years worth …
So did several others ….
I realized
Then
That’s why he didn’t keep a journal
His journals were just fragments
But his letters were full…
He poured himself out
Hoping to help someone else

I looked outside
It was snowing …
In September
He would have loved that.

For writers
Depression seems to be a shadow
One that we can’t escape
It follows us through history
And we never see
I can’t begin to explain it
I can’t even write it
I’m just a writer
And the sister of
A writer…
Who knows it all too well.
We can carry our shadows
And cover them
We can project them
Or we can try
We can understand
Maybe we can write
Words
That haven’t been said before
And that’s difficult
Because everyone is saying
Something
But if we
Can make that connection
Boldly honest
Maybe it will help
Maybe …
Our shadows
Will make friends
With our demons
Maybe we will make it
Past 27.