The self (grace)

How do you preserve the person ?
How do you face the night
The raging flame that burns
Ash and bone
The parasite
That eats the dream
The fracking of the gut
—-//
Do all my words
Have to be useful?
Will the be picked apart in time ?
——///
Is there a room
Down the hall
The empty house at the end of the street
Where I can write passion
Where I can explore
Misery
And darkness
The cemetery of whatever is left ….
After….
The emergency ….
——//
The empty
surgery room
Butchers floor
Cutting room
Be careful
Not to lose yourself children
Be careful in the cut
In the name of progress
Hear the boots on the ground
The silence
The birds are not flying
They are not singing
We are changing
The moon is red
Is there enough bread
To feed our souls at night
—-///
——-///
All I try
Is to preserve the self
The passion
The pain
The agony
The pleasure
———///
When you have loss
You cannot just walk out from that room
——///
A best friend
A father
A lover
An ideal
—-////
You know once you enter it
That room
You will forever be changed
Let it change you
——///
And stand
In the dark places

Love
Love
Love
Passionately
For we are all dissolving
And time is running
While we sleep
—-/
While we sleep
—//
How do you preserve the person
In grace
In value
In time

-E
Regardingsamuel.com

Francis Cash #25

Francis: Hey, hey, hey, Wake up, did you hear the winds?
Ethan: What? Get your paw off my nose.
Francis: what if the powers go out?
Ethan: They won’t.
Francis: What if we run out of snax?
Ethan: we won’t.
Francis: what if it’s aliens?
Ethan: it’s not.
Francis: aren’t you scared?
Ethan: whatever will be will be.
Francis: what about tomorrows?
Ethan: the future is not ours to see.
Francis: ….
Francis: will you sing to me?
Ethan: No.

Writers Log #33

Origin unknown

It’s time to kill our demons

I know we are just our decisions

Our stories

Our faults

Our moments

But there ain’t no grave

can hold my body down

If you will

We’ve been playing

With the devil

Drinking

Toying

Fucking

I had one too many hangovers

And a three day flare up that almost sent me to the hospital

It’s still not over

—-

I’m through

31 –

I’m not drinking in feb

And I’ll go from there

I’m going to start taking time off from work and actually be off rather than work other jobs…

I’m going to work out

I have a whole room I never use

I’m not mad at anyone

I haven’t lived the life you have

You can’t control people

But I’m tired of hating myself

Because I do

I hate myself

I hate everything I write

I hate that I care – even when I know how it’s going to end

I’ve always felt that I’m running out of time ….

I remember when my grandfather died …

I was standing in the trailer

Thinking about how my mother lost her father …

And when my father died

I was thinking about how everyone else must have felt…

I’ve never really considered myself …

I’m just gathering storms and rivers

Placing them in my toolbox for later…but I’m through. I have to build. I have to keep moving forward…my life has to move forward. Whether I hate myself or not. We don’t get what we deserve, we get what we got. It’s up to us to build.

What else is there?

Time (House of Mirrors) (2014)

We’ve got
A new revolution
We’ve got a world
Full of open minds
We’ve got stellar adds
“All you need is hand”
Standing on the edge of Time

I talked to God
About our new separation
Living off the edge
Of our vitality
It’s pushing through the roof
All of our energy

That frozen panic
Disconnected
We’re a house
Of mirrors
Out in the street
Covered with
With self help
Adds and pornography

I talked to Satan
About our new philosophy
He just looked at me

When was the last time
You touched the face of God
When you saw
The phases of the moon
In her eyes
Did you ever
Find her secrets
Did you ever take the time
When was the last time
You felt the colours of
The sunrise
Through her skin
And got intoxicated
From the edge of her lips
Have you felt the earth
Moving through her
together
Anchored souls
Moving with the tide
Have you ever left
Your body
Have you ever lost
Your mind

-E

Francis Cash #23

Francis: Uh ohs, it’s time for some snackeroones. Hey pops, What about some ham-burglars
Ethan: You, you mean burgers?
Francis: Yeahs burglars
Ethan: (gets buns, singing)
Turkey, lobster, sweet potato pie.
Pancakes piled up ’till they reach the sky.
Francis: (singing) Wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak
Ethan: bun down!
Francis: ….
Simon: ….
Ethan: Then patty, followed by ketchup, mustard, pickles, extra onions, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and bun, in that order!

2021 #1

The American people are hurting

Struggling

Out of work

They are enduring

Strong

Resilient

I’ve watched as professors work door dash every day

Just to keep food on the table

They refuse to give in

They showed up to vote

In the middle of a pandemic

——

I remember the night the president was elected

My wife cried herself to sleep….

I remember “day 1”

I remember

The speeches the statements

I am reminded of all the opportunities

To step off the train

And I’ve been waiting

But no one has stepped off

I asked myself how this was possible ?

It’s like watching an abused partner make excuses for their abuser

—–

It turned my stomach to see a small portion of white American conservatives act like they are being attacked

—–

They have been duped by a con man

A liar

Let there be no mistake

History will record with the greatest astonishment

That they did not walk away

They stood by their man

Until the end

And they will have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives

—-

They have shown

That his behaviour is presidential

For their daughters

And grand daughters

They have made excuses

For this slow build up that culminated

As any cult does

Into hysteria

We have seen every form of it …

They have been lied to.

It is a cult

—–

Make no mistake

Even for conservatives

This is not America

The American people do not have time to buy in

They are struggling

They are and have been in survival mode

I want us all to be able to dream again

I want us all to build again

To win

I’ve watched and worked in cities

All my life

I know the American people

And we endure

We build

We continue forward

I still believe in this America

—–

I believe what happened for Georgia will be possible in any state

If we get the relief and help out to the American people so they can build

They do not want a handout they want a hand up

A foothold

——

I don’t have time for cults

For hysteria

And paranoia

Or conspiracy

—–

Call it what it is

Propaganda

—-/

We’ve seen and lived through the harvest this reaps

——

I believe we can do better

We MUST do better

For our children

And their children

For our neighbours

For ourselves

—–

If you were a 14 year old daughter

You are 18 now

Possibly considering marriage

Would you be ok if she brought a sitting con man, jester , clown, abuser home?

Would you really?

Be ok leaving them in the room with him alone?

Or on a trip with him in a car alone?

——

I’ve sat in the room with men who abuse women and I’ve fired them….

Every single one has had an excuse

There are countless excuses

Everybody has them….

Let me say this

—-

I am tired

And I have no room for excuses

It’s time to build

It’s time to dream

It’s time to heal

It’s time to move forward

This never happened

We have to move forward

We have to get relief to our country

The world is watching

Future leaders are watching

Our daughters and our sons are watching

It’s up to us to discern truth

To discern placement

And value

Not social media

Not businesses

We have to do better

We can

We should

We are Americans

We have a personal responsibility

To bring authentic excellence

For our future

—–

It’s bright

We are going to be ok

If we do the work

If we do the work

We will be moving forward

It’s the small details

It’s the living rooms

It’s the families

It’s the you and the me

It’s the professor

It’s the teacher

It’s the clerk

It’s the associate

Getting up at 2:30 am

It’s the business owner

It’s the pastor

The priest

The Muslim

The Christian the agnostic

It’s all of us

We all are Americans

And we all have made it this far

And we all

Together

Are building

And I’m proud

I’m proud to have worked beside you

I’m proud to have lived among you

I’m proud

To be an American

Because we choose our future

And we can decide.

-E

Restless hands

Out on the highway

Out there on the long way

Where the lights follow you close behind

There’s a bend in the road

Where only god knows

Where the lights go

—///

She appears

Where he turned his back on her way back when…

Chased his restless flame

—///

Her tears turned to rain

Rain flowed into rivers

Rivers into oceans

And oceans never fill….

We are beaten by the crashing waves

Only god knows

How to understand

How to hold

These restless hands

——///

Father Time

Broke Mother Nature

And only God knows

How to understand ….

——///

There’s something about grace

There’s something about the contradiction of the heart and mind

And these

Restless hands

Beagle in the City #290

Simon: What if we had pizza
Francis: I want chicken nuggets! FIFTY chicken nuggets.
Ethan: we’re having…we’re having…Space soup.
Simon: This isn’t very promising.
Ethan: It’s very good. You’ll like it.
Francis: Where’s the space? I don’t see the space? Are you sure you’re making this right?
Simon: are we poor? You can hit me with it dad. I’m a big dog.
Francis: oooh tuna, what’s poor? Is that in this ?
Ethan: What! (Slams counter) nonsense! You gentlemen, are the richest scoundrels I personally know.

The Dustbowl

Let hell be barred

His saved ones

Know his voice

And he calls them by name….

Somewhere

In the deepest darkest corners

Of the mind

We’ve lost ourselves

And an entire generation

We’ve been so lost

With politics

Politicians

What is truth?

Suddenly faith

Becomes stranger than fiction

Four years flies by and we forget how to think

God forbid I fail to pray for you

We say Jesus could never be!

He was murdered, he was a good man, well meaning, but he died.

We forget the earth trembled to take him…

We forget the power…of the blood…

We forget that he was not relaxing

Writing a memoir for those three days…

He was in hell…

Taking the keys ….

Jesus said,

In case you forget,

“I freely lay down my life.”

Let that sink in

“And so I am free to take it up again. No one takes it from me. I lay it down of my own free will. I have the right to lay it down; I also have the right to take it up again. I received this authority personally from my Father.”

We want something that feels good

We want something that looks good

But meanwhile the world is confused and burning

Because no one is standing in the gap

Reaching across the breach

Shaking them lose

We have no Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednegos

who are cast into the furnace but do not burn

We have no Elijah

Praying

So there is no

fire of the LORD to fall and burn up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and the water in the trenches…

There has got to be someone

in this land

Who like Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Understands

It’s the world we leave for our children

And

“If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.”

There is a faith

A calm assurance like David and Jonathan, saying perhaps God will give us favor today…

“I know in whom I have believed, and am fully persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.”

We want what we want and we want it now.

We want to talk about the end times

But we haven’t even got enough oil. To make it past noon…

Let Hell be barred, God be right and Everyman a liar. Give us someone with a fire in their bones.

God spoke and put flesh on dry bones ,

Supplied enough for the Israelites in the desert and lead them with a pillar of fire…

But we can’t even wear a mask.

And we think we are prepared

For such a time as this

We think we are ready

For such a time as this

We get so angry

Over religion

And politics

And

We have all our faith in one man

In Washington

And expect him to meet us where we are and fix this nation….

Maybe it’s not Washington

Maybe it’s not school

Maybe it’s not suicide

Maybe it’s not streaming

Maybe it’s not social media

Maybe it’s not your parents

Or your zip code

Or your salary

Maybe it’s because once upon a time

In Steinbeck’s dustbowl there was a people that knew his voice and could not be moved

And they were his saved ones

And he provided a way….

You can’t hit a target you can’t see…

But you can get up and start walking

And God can provide enough light

For just the next step

And that will make the journey…

God told Samuel to stop mourning….

And he anointed David….

But it was another ten years before he became king…at the age of 30…

Your chapter is not your story.

Maybe the same God that caused a great bang and split the atom and bled the universe that is still expanding

And lay down his life just to raise it up again after wrestling the serpent in hell for three days….to claim victory over the sting of death…

Who turns and looks upon you when you pray ….

The same God that called David

The same God

Who prayed until his sweat became blood….

He is preparing something better…

But we can’t function without WiFi

And we want to put our trust in politicians

And we want to put our trust in systems that fade away

And we want what we want

And we don’t even know what that is

But we want it right now….

I have faith, lord, help our unbelief….