Impressions

It feels like
A blank space of broad distance
Inside eternity’s chapel
you feel ok
But then
One day
it’s there again
just a small ache
A tremble in your hand
As you brush your teeth
A small dip in your stomach
A vacuum of sadness
This worries you
And you don’t know
If you will ever be ok…

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Photo origin unknown

Millennial

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photo origin
1
Your favourite thing
Was words;
Lucid,
Opaque,
Provocateur,
Provocatrix,
Lurid,
Woman.
2
You always told me
To tear down
My walls…
But I wasn’t
Really listening
(It’s hard to hear
When you’ve got it figured out)

Loss changes us ….
It’s vivid …
The brevity of time
Can be seen
Frail and flawed
3
I’m just a millennial
I assumed we …
Would live forever
Or at least until
The world ends
But for
All I “knew”
And all I was “entitled to”
I didn’t know
About time …
About a pill in a bottle
A bullet in a gun
Or a chemical reaction
Called epilepsy
These things had never
Had anyone’s name on them…

Loss Changes us…
And now
I have a lot of words
I didn’t get to use.

But I finally wrote this one down
I took down my walls
And I started to live…

Borders

There’s an echo in the back of my mind.There’s a shadow I call it mine.I don’t know where it came from.The world I left behind?.
I can’t say for certain
The status of my mind…

There’s rain on the ceiling.There’s silence in the street…there’s a war going on somewhere…out there.
There’s no room for disbelief.

Be stubborn child,be strong,you could be walking on clouds,you could be swimming in the deep,but you call it drowning.Never mind the definition.Never mind the blood on her hands,never mind the overwhelming,the attempt at breathing.

Sometimes…
I picture us going down swinging
I picture us going down without a fight
I picture us standing in confidence
Know that we mean something
We have something
Worth feeling
Worth experiencing
Worth taking from us …
Oh make this easy
Make this yours
Shake the borders of your dreams
Your extremes
Look at it for what it is.

I don’t have the rule book
I only know what I feel
And what I see.
So trade in your
Gold and your silver.

rain on the ceiling
An echo
A shadow at
the foot of the hallway
Beside the stairway
Outside the window
The rain
The empty street

all these rules
We’ve made for ourselves
To define ourselves
All these borders
With fences and wire
Inside there’s you and
Me.
Set yourself free…

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Empty

Today I am not myself
& you well,you….
you’re just the same.
I suppose you never change.
So take all of the pieces to my puzzle
And keep them safe
My
Time
Is a flower in your ocean
And I’m walking too deep
As it floods this broken house
Set it on fire
There’s no picture frames
With empty names
Just memories
So burn it to the ground
I am not myself today
And you’re just the same
I suppose you never change
Try to write it all out
But there’s just this empty
Page …
So speak in colour
Cut out the parts of me that’ll be the death of me
Leave the good behind
Just set me on fire
My bones are winter
And my voice is coal
I’m selfish and I’m vain
There’s not much left that remains
But when I go flying off the edge…..
You go flying off as well.
So take all of me.

.

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These Issues We Face ( The Journal post in which I am in the Hospital )

FROM MY JOURNAL ( 02-22-13)

I was dying …this was it…it wouldn’t be historical..life changing or cool ..it would be boring and slow – quite uneventful – like everything else in my life …the funny thing was I didn’t even know it until it was too late..but this was it.I wouldn’t be able to change it ..I was dying ..that’s the thing about death it’s like  facts ..they don’t ask  now what do you think? you like it better this way or some other way?.No sir they just are regardless of how much people hate them they carry on ., stepping into peoples lives ruining their schedules and everything else…we should really be more like that , like death..just Be .

I couldn’t help thinking about all the things i’d never write…

About all the things I’d never see

All the stress that didn’t matter now, all those pressures,  like gravity and glass pressing against my skin , making my head hurt like a vice …I hate that it got like this…but in my defense I didn’t know I was dying …I didn’t know that not sleeping could kill a person and that along with poor diet and stress and anxiety all of those things would cause my body to literally fall apart inside .

What I DID know was this;

I used to be afraid of living…terrified of it to the point I wanted to just stop time …just freeze it …or stay in bed all day …maybe I could pause the world and just walk around and see what everybody is really like.Because I was terrified, terrified of living and making decisions or making a life for myself..i felt like I was a failure at life and could never measure up. 

but anyway..regardless

just as soon as my head got cleared up my body backed out of the deal . and here I was dying .Now I was afraid of dying and wanted to live……

Funny how that worked out huh.