Hell and Living

We were young
We didn’t have expectations
We thought that made us better
But it was a lie
Everybody has expectations
Even if it’s expecting us NOT to have them…
But it was really just saying
I’m afraid I’ll let you down
And then you will leave
People stay with what they know
We dated people that would date us for 7 years while looking for their soulmate
And we dated people who didn’t have any goals or ambition
But why ?
A friend from out of town asked me one night …
I told them it’s just easier because
If you’re with someone who knows exactly what they want
Where they are headed
You’re suddenly afraid
Because you might not be what they need
And you might not get a second chance with them if you let them down or hurt them
But with these other people
You can waste decades
And there’s no risk
It’s just what we know
What we are comfortable with
And used to
Like anything else ….

They just looked at me
Shook their head
Poured another drink…

I thought about how life is….
How we are….

And how nice it is we can change .
At any moment.


Dear you


Photo origin

I know you feel like nothing

I know you feel like you’re overwhelmed

On your own

Feel it

You’re doing better than you think you are

Alnitak, is the brightest class 0 star in the sky ….found in Orion’s Belt…

1,262 light years from earth

Your light

Even overwhelmed

Even isolated

Is like this blue super giant

I know you think there are thousands just like you….

But this is you

Keep going

You’re doing better than you think you are

You’re unique

You matter

And when I look across the city

When I look across the room

When I look…

I always see you

I don’t know how not to…



“I miss my dad. He kind of died on this day.”
“From what you’ve told me, he was shitty. You pick your family. They’re not blood.”

I probably should’ve left then…
We were just incompatible
And it’s not anyone’s fault….
It’s just how things go. We were so young.

You’re going to lose,
You already know how this ends.
It’s not you against the world,
It’s you against you,
Against your ideals,
Your ego.

Beauty fades
Sex fades
You’re going to lose,
Each other
Mental health
It’s hospitals
NG tubes
It’s more than
Netflix and chill
More than
More thank vacations
More than weekends
You will win too
You will have weddings
And children
And birthdays
Sunday breakfasts
Hours and hours of the best sex
But it’s so, so important that
You find someone
Who understands
What it is to lose
And how to just be there
When you do not feel
Your best self
Because you will lose
You already know
How this ends
We all do
And I hope you are fortunate
To find someone
You can grow with
And grow old with
One of you may take growing old
Harder than the other
That you may look
And say it’s like you’ve
Fell in love fifty different times
With every new version
Of each other
That love
Is evolving
It’s an empty home
That you fill
And you both have furniture and ideas ….
I hope you understand
You get what you already have
And multiply it….
May it always be peace
And a place you can call home.
But most of all


We will never be here again
You’ll never meet someone like her again
You will never be this young again
Remember it
Save it
Take it in
Take it in
We are constantly dying
Burning out
Too young
To tired
Liberate yourself
Let it in
Let it go
Thank love
Be grateful for the time
That you have ….
The time that you had
Her in your arms
Be thankful
For that
And let it go



We ran through
Every midnight pain
We were down
There is no survivors
No one knows
What will
And will not come
Maybe it’s fate
Maybe it’s just
How the fires burn
But babe
Good god babe
No one could ever say
We didn’t walk these roads
We didn’t carry the load
We didn’t fight against
Our destruction
And hey there
Can you remember
The early morning
The smell of winter
Over this town
And hey there
I can remember
The smell of your perfume
Your head on my shoulder
Eyes so bright
And even the rain
Doesn’t bother
To fight
What no one knows ….
We ran these roads
We took the poison
We took the chances
Some of us left
But someone always comes back
And we pick up
Right where we left off
Both feet on the ground
Keeping rough hands
About what’s never been –
Where the midnight fire is …
The whiskey is smoother
And the women are stronger
And they kiss with a fire
We wake up with the morning
Building a dream
In the heart of this town….


The suicide

Look at the moon
The way we suicided
It wasn’t romantic
Or dead poetic
It was fires cut short
Not even burned at both ends
It was Saturday nights
That should have never ended
Look at how we struggled against the rope
Look at how we knew all the words
To our favorite poets
But forgot the simple
Sunday morning
With you
Eggs and bacon
Bloody Mary for the hangover
I am here
Not just for
To help see you through
Not just to get through
I want to see you win
You are loved
You are love
You are living
And living things may fall
But they also grow
And they takeover
They break through
They overcome
It may always be here
Like the darkness between stars
Let this be part of your bigger portrait
Your sun is burning
And you can overcome



We can wait on tomorrow
We could wait on a perfect moment
There’s no second chances
Out here
Where the mud
And the tires
And the work
Take every last muscle
You thought you had on reserve
Oh god
They said
We had one last bet
One room for mercy
But there’s no mercy
Out here
In these welfare states
No one ever stays

Who is to blame ?
Don’t we all have something to reach For
Don’t we all have something to run from
Haven’t we all been broken down
Kicked around
Bruised again while we were down
Don’t we all have a need for something
Something more
Than just wasting away
Babe I’ve got a need
A need for something more
Than just wasting away
It’s a shot that’s worth the take