Whereas

Whereas

I am not mad at God

I simply am

Unsure what else could possibly be done

That has not been done ?

And whereas

They look at you like you’re beneath them

Forever

Unheard and unseen

And whereas

The odds are bet against you

And you are fading

——

Whereas

Another breakdown

Before the storm

Another shutdown

Another hick town

Another resolution

Just before sunset

Whereas

Another tough decision

No more food

Not even a pension

Whereas God

Do you ever think about us ?

Do you ever come through

We are just dust

And we fooled ourselves thinking we were more

And our strength is fading

Whereas

All we have is less

And this empty room

Without enough language

For the pain

And the muscles broken and wore

Fading

Interior blue

We make from the interior of sadness

Poetry

From the fires of life

We create art

I was inspired

To write this

After

Wanda Coleman’s poem “Wanda Why Aren’t You Dead

It is not an attempt to replicate

It simply opened my eyes to bringing our demons to light

——

I am intrigued by you

I am curious about you

You make me nervous

I cannot put a label on you

Why do you dress the way you do

You always dress up

Why don’t you just relax

You’re not like anyone around here

Why are you still here

Why are you here, why haven’t you left yet …

You are not a writer

Don’t write about your pain

Write what you want to write

You don’t want to be a burden

Don’t whine

You stupid fuck

You’re not a real writer

You’re just like your father

You’re a failure

You’ll probably die young

You’re vomiting randomly

You’re probably dying

Crohns

Don’t be picky about your food

You ate potatoes growing up

You know, no one is really going to love you

No one is really going to be attracted to you

You’re too fucking weird

You’re probably even bad at sex

You’re a quitter

You quit your career

You left your marriage

You left your town

You’re running

You’re less than nothing

You will never be happy

Why are you still here?

You’re going to keep faking it

You’re too much for people

They are merely curious

Nothing else

Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

You know, no one else will ever want to sleep with you…

You’re too awkward

Your stomach

Your scar

Why does your stomach growl so much ?

Can’t you make it stop?

You’re too thin

Omg I hate thin guys

Why don’t you just let yourself have a dad bod

You work too much

You should relax

Just take all of your sleeping pills

Then you can relax

You know I’m going to kill you right?

You will probably die alone

Like your dad

Why are you even still here

Didn’t you go to college?

Oh my god, I feel so bad that you didn’t go to real school

You must be so dumb

There is nothing here for me

There’s no reason for me to be here

I hate everyone here

I feel like you’re suddenly your own person

You want your secrets and your life

You walked out

Quitter

You gave up

I thought you were different but you ended up being just like the rest of them, selfish trash.

You will never have a marriage like your grandparents

It’s not your fault

It’s not your fault

Love doesn’t have to hurt

You can let yourself have a flare up

You don’t have to write it funny

You can vomit as soon as you get home

And it just be a flare up

You can eat cheesecake

You can write how you feel

You are still you

You’re going towards something good

You are ok

You don’t have to be perfect

You don’t have to be perfect

You can be good

You can be good

You are enough

You tried your best

Your best was more than enough

Because it was still – you

You

Are

Someone’s

Something

Make someone’s day easier

Let them know when you think about them

You never know who you will lose

Let it go

You never know what’s coming for you

You are broken but still whole

Be here now

Winter

It’s ok to feel what you feel

It’s ok to be right here

I’m not going to tell you

About some positive quote

I don’t want to do that

You know,

Sometimes

All I know

Is we feel low

And we feel overwhelmed

And sometimes

We just don’t feel like enough

We feel like we are not worthy

And that’s ok too

If all the leaves tried so hard to hold on to the trees

We would never have seasons

So all I know

Is right here

But I’m hoping for a better tomorrow

And I’m doing my best to plan for it too

-Regardingsamuel.com

Glass

Damn these words

They’re never bullet proof

I’m in my head

Start writing from a certain point of view

The world is filled with memory

Take back your certainty

I never know just what I need to know

I feel out of place

Inside the echo

Damn these words

They’re never foolproof

And I’ve been the fool

Too many times before

The world is burning down

Hear our Excuses in the background

We’re busy healing

Killing ego

Checking eachother

60 billion of us

There’s plenty to choose

But careful child

You’ll end up on your own

You need some kind of love

That chooses you too

Your odds just got smaller

Oh damn these words

Damn this heart

What good am I

What good am I

I feel out of place

Starting over

Do I say what I want to say

Do I say, what do I say….

Hurricanes

Today
Six years ago

I had just got out of the hospital when this was taken.
Six or seven years ago.
I prob weighed 140 lbs
It gets dark and it gets hard
But there is poetry even in hurricanes

Keep going
It gets better

-E

I don’t know what you’re going through

Maybe you’re working three jobs

Or two

Or working 80 hours a week

Maybe you’re beat down and broken

Tired

Think about this last stretch of the year

What is here

Right here

Where we are

You’re living

What this year has made you

The strength you hold

You will walk out of this rubble

Stronger

With eyes burning

You will carry this loss this hope this strength with you for the rest of your days

You can’t go back, you’ve seen too much

Lived through too many nights

And if trouble confronts you down the road

When you are alone

You will turn and it will see this year

Burning in your eyes

It will see the fires that made you

And when it backs down

And proclaims, it was just a mistake or a joke and it was just kidding …

Like doc holiday you can say

Calmly

“I wasn’t.”

Because you know what and who you are …

You know the strength you carry

And how you carried this year and did not break.

Keep going.

-E

New moons

How many times

Did we check out

Just to keep

from reading the signs

How many days

Felt the same

How ways did we pass the blame

We don’t have to

We don’t have to say this

Is our lives

—-

I know you’re

Fearing the fall

Tired from it all

This doesn’t have to be

The way we live and die

—-

Stop the sky

From raining down

Tell the lies

If it makes you feel better

Somehow

But we don’t have to live and die

—-

I know you’re tired

I know you’re wired

I know we checked out

Just to keep from reading the signs

But the world is tilted

And we are not permanent

Rest your eyes

If it heals your soul

I’ll hold you through the night

We will live

We will live

For another day

Regardingsamuel

Beagle in the City #288

Ethan: Simon! Come ON

Simon: (sniffing absolutely nothing. Looks back at Ethan)

Ethan: (Opens arms.) what the heck are you even doing?? I have to go to bed. It’s 8:30

Simon: Oh ok. My bad my bad. Oh also, if there’s bones in the bed. It’s not from chicken wings it’s from aliens…

Ethan: omg…are you serious?

Francis: oh hey, guys, I don’t know if you’ve noticed. But I just got a NEW scratcher scratcher upper. It’s brand new.

Ethan: Francis, I just gave that to you. Are you going to sleep beside it?

Francis: What’s it to you? Maybe I love this , maybe I don’t. I haven’t decided.

2020 #45

I just want to be good…

All my cards are on the table

No one is going to bail me out

If I don’t make it

It’s easy to say there’s more to life than money

When you haven’t been without it

The enemy of good is perfect

What’s the use

I wear this bruise

Can I make it through

I’m dreaming out loud

I’m running t

Who are the ones

Who made promises

Out there late at night

That they would get out

And those friends are gone now

Who else is running

A race

For their younger self

For their friends that are already dead

Even though

They will never see them

Cross the finish line

Do you know the pain

I carry every single day

Do you know

That emptiness

How low those roots go

Maybe

We really can have too much

Maybe

We just pack ourselves with light

And distraction

Maybe

Poverty

Real poverty

Leaves a scar

I remember potatoes

Every winter breeze through the window

Maybe there’s a kid over there

Who knows about playing football

On a frozen driveway

Maybe

I keep putting things off

And I’m afraid

And

When it’s late at night

I pour a drink

And I see her eyes

In the stars in the sky

And I’m afraid

Of what I feel

I write some words

And I send them her way

All I have is empathy

All I have is poetry

All I know

Is how to be me

All I know is

Time is running

I am running

But remember

There’s a kid out there

Who’s going to see your story

There’s a kid out there

Living something similar

You’re not alone in this

You can’t do what everyone else is doing

We live in a do what feels right

Do what feels good in the moment

But that’s what children do

We are not children

We come from adults

We have witness in heaven

And we plan

We make goals

We have a personal responsibility

To ourselves

To our communities

To our dreams

No one else will get it

They don’t have to

It’s not my parents fault

It’s not anyone’s fault

I’m just tired of kissing up to banks

For credit

I’m tired of living a life that is not mine

I’m tired of sitting in crowds of people

That are always looking for the next feel good drag.

I’m going somewhere

I know what I want

I want peace

I want comfort

I want freedom

I want passion

I want love

I want to be better than I was yesterday

Better than I was last year

There is a line that only loss

Writes

And I carry it with me

Like a rose

Regardingsamuel