Simon: What is this place?
Ethan: it’s the mountains, I kind of grew up here.
Simon: there’s so many smells!
Ethan: yeah, and hawks,
Simon: Shhh I’m listening for the train…
Ethan: there’s no train…
Simon: shhhh I’m listening…
Hold those thoughts
That keep me away
While the lights
Echo my lonely fears
In the streets tonight
——-
They say the world
Keeps changing everyday
But I wake in the night
I feel the same
——-
Maybe we’re so much older
Maybe we’re so much younger
Maybe we’ve been here before
Pour me a drink
Don’t let me go
——
The summer is coming
These clouds won’t stay so grey
We can’t live out our hopes and dreams inside yesterday’s
I’m tired
We’re all tired
It’s a month in
Driving home through GA
The interstate was clear like thanksgiving ….
No, like the Iron Bowl
I’m glad for this mountain, this space…
But we have no real timeline
How is this sustainable ?
Maybe I’m just tired
I’m having a very different experience than most people
Being on the front lines if you will…
I just want to sleep
Drink
And write
If I could
I would drink and fuck my way through this but I can’t
And I already know I wouldn’t
I’m a giver
And I’m concerned
And I can’t sleep
It’s a month in
When all of this is over
They will open the bars
And the restaurants
The theatres
You won’t be able to get a seat
Then i will go into quarantine
And I will sleep
I will vacation at my home in the mountains
I will write
And I will sleep
When this is over
I will kiss you
And I will see you
Oh where have
You been?
April your lips I have found
Your whispering voice
Echoes through the emptying streets
Of this town
Your shifting feet
Echoes through these trees
——-
And I saw
I saw it all fall
The world that we built
All that we had invested
Burned right in front of us
Is it enough
To keep us warm
When the winter comes?
How many ?
How many ?
——
The Joker dances in the streets
The street worker moves to the internet
The trees let go of all that they are holding
The grass grows
And it doesn’t consider us
The ocean crashes in
Whether or not I’m there to perceive it
——
And I wonder
Whether
They build their guns
They build their ships
They scheme their games
Building us up
Just to cut us down
——
Will our blood flood the empty streets
Whether we hold our breath
And pray for the rain ….
Will you even remember my name
——-
Hurl your banners
Your worst fear
April
You’re here
Now tell me my worth
Tell me my name
I’ve tasted your lips
Now show me the cards
Tell me your name….
Tell me the prophecy
Tell me
Who sketches the heart of this wasteland
——-
And in the valley
In kitchen
In the mountains
In hospital bed
In the living room
The rich
And the fallen
The guilty
The innocent
April turns her face
And we all hide our tears from this place ….
I’ve moved to the mountains, I never thought I would move this far out. But it’s April and National Poetry Month…I always try to write a lot during this time…I believe this will help me.
I keep telling myself things will go back to normal. I’ve written and checked on a few friends. Some have already lost family members. All of this is surreal. I don’t see how it can go back to “normal” if we lose people we love.
I think the worst fear. Or realisation. Is that this doesn’t care who you are, or where you’re from. And you will die alone. Your family cannot day good bye and they cannot grieve your loss…
My dad died alone and so this really hits home for me…
It’s like a shadow covering the sky
You know this will leave a mark…
Holding your breath
Hoping, waiting,
You’re constantly thinking about your employees and their safety and your friends and your community, did I clean this ? Did I touch that? Did I do enough?
Are we safe? Are we out of this shadow? or is this just the eye of the storm…
I tried writing a few letters. My hands shake so much, you couldn’t have read it. I’m not really sure the last time I slept well. I wonder about the weather, how it will change everything. We all have short term memory.
Will I run out of things to say?
This is not the end
Just get through these hours
Look for the opportunity
You’re still you
I have this nervous energy
Everyone is awake
Wanting these days to end
I’m tired
So tired
And I wonder
If 14 days is enough
I’ve been, along with so many of us, working for 13 days 142 hours and we all see the same things…this isn’t enough, this could be our reality for a few months…
I hope for new art
I hope for new beginnings
I hope we are strong enough
Let us be good
Let us be good
Are we good …
I’ve started trying to keep a better journal, I know this is a once in a lifetime event, everything is happening so fast, I’m very aware that there are events I will miss or forget altogether.
I don’t want to be so caught up in trying to survive or just being self absorbed that I miss it.
Honestly I probably miss a lot. I start my day at 4am and it usually ends around 6 or 7pm
I’ve spent almost 20 years working retail, specifically grocery. I’ve never seen it this wild.
I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of aspects of this, mostly because I over think everything. But I don’t want to add to the hysteria.
I have my cashiers wear gloves and I start every day cleaning empty shelves, registers and shopping carts. Even when the tornadoes came through in 2011 it wasn’t this wild. Most of my days have run together. I’m just trying to write more and not think too much about it. I keep telling myself “this is once in a lifetime.”
But honestly, I’m exhausted. Patient, grateful for community and thankful for a job and my employees. But exhausted.
I’m thinking about moving soon. Maybe to the mountain. I haven’t been that way in years. But it’s where I grew up. I feel strange, a certain way about it. I can’t pin point it. But I will figure it out. I think it might be good for me.
Time heals everything. You grow, trying or not you grow. Like a vine, around and through. Time is going to move you.
I need to start cooking again. I miss it.
I’m trying to piece another manuscript together. I’m not sure why. I just feel like I need to stay busy.
I’m terrified that I’m not a good person. I’m growing older. I just want to be good. Not perfect just good. I need to figure this out. The root. The base value.
Like math everything has a base value. Find it. Break the problem down. It’s easier to digest.
Just be good. Just be good. Be decent. Understanding. Listen.
Write. Everyday.
