Something excruciatingly old

I don’t want to live vicariously
I want to engage
I feel like in some areas
I’m an adult
And others
I don’t even know…
We are in our twenties
And we feel infinite
But I somehow feel the brevity
Of everything
Like when you run your hand across something old and you feel its ghosts
it’s a feeling …

It’s that space between what you see
And what you hear
The image that flashes across your mind
Between a touch
I don’t know what’s going on
But I feel …
A shift
Like I’m on the brink
And I don’t know what lies beneath

It’s that quiet solitude,fully submerged under water,that first breath,first blurred light when you break the surface…
It’s that rare
When you lose yourself
And it scares you
Because you see yourself
As yourself

We decide what we become
And we decide what we become
So I choose
Because so often
Life is not what could be
It’s just what is…
And dreams are not dreams
They are often nightmares
And the real work hasn’t
Even begun
It’s hospitals
It’s funerals
It’s letting love in
And letting love go
Understanding that love dies
Not quickly
But a struggle
grappling it’s final breath
And even still
After this hell
Your heart
Will resurrect itself

I feel
time is moving
And we can be anything
But not everything
And I’m
Caught between
The price for the decisions
we are making
And the fact
we should also be hurtling off cliffs
Into the abyss of the unknown
Taking chances
Living for the present
Because this is all we have

I wonder what we will be
5 years
Even 2 years from now?
Will there be an empty room
With an empty book
For the words we never said?
Who will be reading
the letters I leave between the pages
I couldn’t help writing but could never send…

Understand it’s here,it’s happening
It’s now
It’s our future, our past
all tied together
In these decisions we’re making
(Sometimes hastily)
I hope we make it.
I have to believe we make it

I don’t have a five year plan
I don’t do that
But I hope
That one day I can type a letter
From here
describing to you in detail
And it will be read by a friend
I hope that I can close it by wishing
With hope that you made it
You got to your shore
That place that drives you
I hope this
Because I hope we all win
I hope we all defeat our demons
I personally hope
We continue shedding our old selves
That we can look back
At some point in our uncertain future and understand
Like Eve said in the film
Only Lovers Left Alive;
“Life is about appreciating nature, surviving things, nurturing friendships, kindness and dancing”

I want to know
Really know
For my children
For my future self
la joie de vivre
(the joy of living)
I want to be more than just a millennial and less than zero


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